Of Wolves and Men
by DirtyFeet
Summary: Our story didn't begin with an inexplicable heat or an immediate connection, and it rarely evolved into anything involving grand gestures or frenzied passion. It was built slowly upon quiet touches and stolen glances. RL x OC.
1. Of First Impressions, Wolves & Men

**A/N:** This is my first story - something I've been mulling over in my head for a long time. I think Remus Lupin is such a compelling character. I've rated this M for later chapters, but please do let me know what you think. I'm good with constructive criticism! Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 1: Of First Impressions, Wolves, and Men**

Our story did not begin with an inexplicable heat or an immediate connection, and it rarely evolved into anything involving grand gestures or frenzied passion. It was built slowly upon warm words, quiet touches and stolen glances. Even now, I wonder sometimes how it came to this, how I could've been so moved by a man like him, but then I think of all the ways in which he is so good and wonder how I could've questioned it at all.

I first saw Remus Lupin on Platform 9 ¾ while waiting for the Hogwarts Express at the beginning of our First Year, standing with his parents. He had light hair and eyes, and his smile was much gentler than I'd seen or expected in the other boys of our age. He was as small and thin as I was, and he wore an expression that seemed much too old for someone so young. I suppose the fact that I noticed him at all was notable, but I quickly forgot him amidst the flurries of goodbyes from my parents and eventually found myself in a car with James Potter and Sirius Black.

The Delacroix and Potter families were both well-respected, well-to-do pureblood families, and our parents had spent their Hogwarts years together. Thus, James and I had spent many of our nursery years seeking mischief at any chance available in one or the other's yard, much to our fathers' amusement and our mothers' chagrin. We met Sirius on the Hogwarts Express, and although he and James immediately connected, I approached him with caution. Even at 11 years old, I had heard enough of the dark pureblood fanaticism to be weary of families like the Blacks and Malfoys. He had elegant features, for which the Black lineage was notorious, and his arrogant demeanor was enough to set me on edge, but his placement into Gryffindor and James' immediate bond with him made me second-guess my first reaction to him, and we also quickly became mates.

Unlike Sirius, Remus didn't have the same fine features that came with aristocratic upbringings, but there was an air of dignity and kindness in his face that drew me to him. James and Sirius quickly adopted Remus into their clan [and then Peter, too, eventually], and I felt envious of their quick attachment to each other, for we were at that age where boys and girls were so easily segregated. I felt comfortable with only a few girls in my year and thus spent the first few years at Hogwarts quite lonely and awkward – something which James constantly teased me about – and I secretly wished that I had been born a boy so that I could be part of their band of brothers. Years after, I asked James why he and Sirius felt so drawn to Remus when he was so starkly different from the two of them. He simply shrugged and said, "There was just something good about him."

I didn't pay much attention to his person our first year, though I would eye him jealously, wishing I could be in his place, especially when my fellow female peers began to discover the appeal of boys and all that came with them [and much to my disgust, Sirius and James seemed to be their most popular topics of discussion]. But because of my scrutiny, I quickly discovered the patterns in Remus' "illness," and by the beginning of our third year, I had deduced what he truly was.

When I realized that Remus Lupin was a werewolf in those quiet moments in the library, I felt an electricity – a thrill – like I'd never anticipated. It was something that only he and I shared – even if he didn't know it - and the knowledge that I alone knew his deepest secret shot a flare of triumphant heat through me that I'd never felt before, and I had to fight the urge to confront him, to make him know that I knew what he was. For weeks, I wrestled with the urge to tell him, but when I saw him sitting in the Great Hall with James and Sirius, he looked so much older, so different from how I'd seen him before. Every month he seemed to have a new scar, and suddenly, they seemed so much more appealing to me. He always looked so grateful to be included in this pair's world that I suddenly felt that perhaps he and I weren't so different. I suddenly wanted to know him, to understand how he'd come to be this way, and I was shocked to find that I wanted to feel that kind gaze upon me as well.

So even though his condition certainly never defined him in my mind, it was the factor that truly made me see him for the first time. And even though I can never say that I'm glad for his condition - for it hurt me nearly as much as it made me admire him - I can't ever truthfully say that I completely hated it. For if he'd never suffered from the wolf inside of him, I might never have seen him for the man that he was, and that would truly be a shame.


	2. Of Stink Bombs & Conspicuousness

Disclaimer: I wish I were brilliant enough to come up with this world, but unfortunately, I am only a fan with no rights whatsoever over this story. This was written purely for fun and with no intention of making money from it.

**Chapter 2: Of Stink Bombs and Conspicuousness**

_Those idiots were at it again._

That's what the fifth year Gryffindor prefect Remus Lupin thought, at least, as he jogged down the hallway towards the transfiguration classrooms. There was an eerie yellow-green smoke billowing down the hall with students coughing and running away from it, hands covering their mouths and noses. The smoke certainly smelled bad – something like a terrible mixture between rotten eggs and old perfume, and he cringed knowing that he had to run into it.

"_Bullitus_," he muttered at his own face, a bubble covering his mouth and nose. His eyes, however, still watered slightly from the nasty smoke that continued to curl down the halls. Students were shouting and coughing, and it was hard to discern what direction he was supposed to head towards.

"Remus!" a female voice cried out.

Remus stopped and looked about him and saw a figure suddenly emerge from the smoke, grabbing his arm and pulling him into an empty classroom with a slam of the door behind them.

As the smoke cleared, he looked down to see a head of dark hair shaking in a small fit of coughs. "_Finito,_" he muttered, pointing his wand towards himself, and the bubble surrounding his face popped.

The girl had finally stopped coughing and grinned up at him, hands on her knees and cheeks pink with exertion. "You don't want to go down there. It's horrid," she gasped, still smiling brazenly.

"Yes, I got that. But why would that stop me?" Remus asked exasperatedly.

"Well, you'll get in trouble of course," she responded, equally exasperatedly. "Even if you're a prefect, I highly doubt McGonagall is going to believe you were just upholding your 'duties' if she catches you with them again after this."

"Them" were of course James Potter and Sirius Black. He'd had no doubts as to who had been behind the stink bombs, and he was nearly as certain that the cheeky imp of a girl in front of him had as much to do with them as the other two.

"Really? I think you're just looking for someone to bail you out in case she finds out you were a part of this, Delacroix," Remus answered, though he couldn't seem to keep a smile from spreading across his own face while looking at her.

Rowan Delacroix's eyelashes fluttered over her still glowing cheeks and her grin broadened – if possible – and responded conspiratorially, "Or perhaps I'm just trying to take you down with me. Detention is much more enjoyable when one has company."

"I should've known."

They looked at each other with equally conspiratorial grins, which broke out into quiet laughter. He playfully mussed up her hair, to which she answered with a snicker.

"So where are they now?" he asked.

"How should I know? I told them it was every man for himself, so really, it's their own fault if they got caught," Rowan responded flippantly. She seemed to stop to think for a moment. "I can't understand why they want to get caught every time though. It'd be so much more fun if the faculty didn't know it was them."

"Says you," Remus raised an eyebrow at her.

"And I'm able to achieve so much more mischief than they are because the teachers don't suspect me! I rest my case," she retorted, turning up her nose at him.

Remus took this moment of pretend-insult to assess the girl in front of him. He didn't get as many chances as he'd like to be with her alone – usually his other three friends accompanied them on their excursions, and as the other three had finally started buckling down to study for their approaching O.W.L.s, he didn't even get the quiet moments in the library with her anymore. He took advantage of the brief silence to admire Rowan's full lips and dark hair, which was flowing wildly, though she seemed to pay it no mind. _How fortunate am I_, he thought, _to be friends with this girl_. Remus always assumed he'd never have the opportunity to be with a woman of her stature, and he secretly documented mentally every moment he had in her presence alone.

He never allowed himself very long though. He looked to the door and cleared his throat.

"Well then, the coast should be clear by now, right?" he asked.

"Hm, I suppose so," she sounded disappointed, but he must have just been imagining it.

Remus looked back down at her and saw her gaze fixated on his tie, lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Hm? Oh, yes, sorry, I was daydreaming," she said languorously. She turned, tentatively placed her hand in the crook of his arm, and looked up at him with a warm smile. "Let's head back to the Common Room then?"

"Yeah," he smiled down at her, willing his heart to stop beating so quickly. He slowly moved towards the door and pulled it open, trying not to fixate on the warm feel of her arm linked in his.


	3. Of Pumpkin Juice, Flailing & Confidences

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing :(

**Chapter 3: Of Pumpkin Juice, Flailing, and Confidences**

"Stupid!" Rowan shouted. Two black-haired boys were looking at her from across the Gryffindor House Table, grinning. "You two are so stupid!"

James Potter and Sirius Black had indeed been caught for the stink bomb fiasco in the transfiguration classrooms, and they had indeed been awarded with a week's worth of detentions. She wouldn't have cared about this, but they'd also had fifty points docked from Gryffindor.

"You see, my dear Ms. Delacroix, that's where you're wrong. We are actually quite brilliant," Sirius jeered back.

"No, you're actually stupid. I mean, really – you could achieve so much more if you just tried to not get caught. And you lost us House Points!" she retorted indignantly.

"But where's the fun in that?" exclaimed James. "We can easily get those points back by winning next weekend's Quidditch match against Hufflepuff. And what's the point in doing so many great things if no one knows that they are our achievements?"

"Don't you see? That's the best part! No one would know except for us, and then on the last day – or even the last year – you could go all out and reveal to everyone that it was you all along! Imagine how dramatic it would've been! It would have been legendary!" she despaired, hands gesturing wildly.

The two remained silent for a moment, mulling over her words carefully.

"Hm, I suppose…"

"Maybe…"

Silence again.

"Well, too late now I suppose," James grinned.

"Yep, too late now," Sirius grinned back.

Rowan groaned as the two began plotting their next prank with Peter seated next to James, nodding fiercely at whatever was said between the two conspirators.

"I'm not sure why you bother. They have no logic," Remus muttered beside Rowan. He had just sat down and was piling food onto his plate.

"I know, but I keep hoping that one day they'll see that my strategy works so much better," she despaired. "How was prefect duty?"

"Eh, fine, I suppose, though Filch has now added stink bombs to the list of banned items thanks to today's… incident," he said pointedly. He then dug into his dinner with such a hurried fervor that Rowan noted.

"Hungry much, Lupin?" she asked teasingly. "Preparing for a fast?"

Remus stopped suddenly. The other three boys eyed him but said nothing. "Of course not," he said, "I'm just a growing boy. I'm feeling another growth spurt coming on now."

Rowan eyed Remus suspiciously but said nothing and returned to her meal and opened up her potions textbook. The boys let out a silent breath and returned to their conversations and food as well.

The Marauders knew the real reason for Remus' increased appetite was that the full moon was the next night. He always seemed to become hungrier immediately before and after the full moon, and it was lucky that he wasn't feeling particularly aggressive this cycle or Rowan might have been on the receiving end of some biting remarks.

"Hey, Lupin, when do you want to meet to talk over Charms tutoring schedules for the first years for next week?" A pretty chestnut-haired girl called a few seats down the table.

Rowan looked up, trying to look inconspicuous. She saw Mina Surrey peering down a few seats at Remus. The small pang of jealousy that she'd felt spring up slowly died down. Mina was a catch – smart and pretty – and even though she was probably much more to Remus' tastes – serious and diligent as opposed to Rowan's eccentric whimsy – she didn't feel worried. Everyone knew Sirius was in love with Mina, and Remus would never betray Sirius.

Remus looked up. "Oh hey, Mina. Right after dinner? I'm busy tomorrow," he responded.

"Sounds good. I'll see you in the Common Room then," she nodded, gathering up her books to leave.

"Hey, Surrey, have time to tutor me? I'd love it if you showed me a thing or two with your wand-handling skills," Sirius shouted down the table with a wink. The Gryffindors around them laughed. Rowan rolled her eyes and took a sip of pumpkin juice – Sirius sure knew how to win over the ladies.

Mina's face contorted with anger. "Trust me, Black, if I showed you what I could do, your 'wand' would never work properly again," she spat. "Though I'm not sure if I could find it even if I tried – I've heard it's quite small."

Rowan spat a mouthful of pumpkin juice across the table, which sprayed into James and Sirius's faces, and immediately burst into a fit of laughter, which caused a chain reaction of laughter down the rest of the table. Despite his wet face and robes, James also began to laugh. Sirius, however, stared in disbelief, hair dripping with juice. Mina gave Rowan an appreciative grin, stood up with a triumphant laugh, and walked out of the Great Hall back to the Common Room.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" giggled Rowan, handing napkins to a wet James and Sirius. "But honestly, Sirius, you need to do better than that if you ever expect to win Surrey over."

Sirius groaned. "Shut it, _Winnie_," he said, using the nickname he knew she hated. She stuck her tongue out at him in response and made a rude raspberry noise, and he shot her a glare as he stood up and hurried after Mina out of the Great Hall.

The rest of dinner continued smoothly, and eventually Rowan and the remaining Marauders continued up to the Gryffindor Common Room. Peter and James walked ahead, still discussing next week's big prank, while Rowan and Remus lagged behind.

"You're sure you're feeling okay, Remus?" Rowan asked concernedly. "You're looking kind of peaky tonight."

"Yeah, I'm fine," Remus smiled gently at Rowan. "Long day is all."

"If you say so," muttered Rowan. She linked her arm in his again and marched up the stairs. "You're going home again tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah, my mum's not feeling well again," he said distractedly.

"Your mum. Right," muttered Rowan under her breath.

"Did you say something?" he asked nervously, too quickly.

"Nope, nothing!" responded Rowan cheerfully, "Just talking to myself."

Rowan knew Remus wasn't going home, and she knew that she'd have to spend tomorrow night in the library studying alone again, for the Marauders would also go mysteriously missing, as they did every full moon. She didn't know exactly where they went, but she knew it had to do with Remus' condition. She felt a mixture of envy and loneliness at the thought of the full moon the next night, which she knew was unreasonable – the Marauders were obviously doing something to make Remus' transformations more bearable, and she should be happy to know that he wasn't alone, but secretly, she wanted to be a part of it, to also be someone Remus felt he could confide in with his secret.

The least she could do was work on the potions assignment for them while they were busy, she mused. After all, it was one of her specialties, while the rest of them were pretty rubbish at it.

"Something wrong?" Remus' worried voice broke her out of her reverie.

"Hm?" Rowan looked up at him. James and Peter were nowhere in sight. They must have gone ahead of them.

"You're thinking so hard I can hear the gears turning in your head. If you're not careful, you might hurt yourself," he grinned down at her cheekily.

Rowan glared up at him, "Rude! Just for that, you can work on the potions assignment by yourself!"

Remus' face went pale, "You wouldn't!"

Rowan grinned, pulling her arm from his, and ran up the remainder of the stairs. She heard him take off after her and quickly panicked, knowing that she couldn't outrun him. Suddenly, his hands were on her waist, and her feet had left the ground.

"Remus!" she shrieked, laughing, as he hoisted her over his shoulder. Suddenly, her face was in his back, and she felt his hands on the back of her thighs. Her face immediately burned at the feel of his calloused fingers on such an intimate area, and then she realized how precarious her situation was. "My skirt! It's going to ride up!" she panicked.

"Oh, stop complaining. You were asking for it," he responded playfully, but he held the bottom of her skirt down anyway so that it didn't ride up as he walked the short remaining distance to the Fat Lady's portrait. Rowan's face continued to burn, however, and as she placed her hands on his back in an attempt to balance herself better on his shoulder, she couldn't help but feel the cords of his muscles through his robes and felt even more embarrassed at her body's cliched reaction.

The Fat Lady looked down at the ridiculous pair with an affronted look, "Such indecency!" she declared accusingly.

Remus grinned, "Malarkey," he responded. Rowan snickered.

The Fat Lady harrumphed at them and swung open. Remus climbed through with Rowan still perched on his shoulder. She began to panic again as she realized their entire house would be able to see her in this humiliating state and began to kick and push against Remus.

"Remus, let me go! This is so embarrassing!" she cried, flailing against his back. He simply laughed and gripped her tighter, surprisingly strong.

As they entered the Common Room, Rowan immediately heard laughter, to which Rowan groaned and immediately identified as belonging to Sirius.

"What is going on here?" he bellowed raucously.

Rowan felt her entire body burn in embarrassment. "Remus, let me down this instant!" she shrieked.

"She threatened me!" Remus despaired to Sirius, approaching the large couch on which he was seated.

"With what?" Sirius questioned.

"No help with potions!" Remus dramatically announced, to which Sirius responded with a high-pitched gasp.

"No help with potions!?" he cried. "Burn her! Burn the witch!"

Suddenly, the pressure of Remus' shoulder against Rowan's stomach was gone, and she was flying backwards and then down onto the couch. She let out a shout of surprise, which then turned into shrieking giggles as both Sirius and Remus' hands were upon her, tickling her mercilessly.

"No! Nooo!" she screamed, kicking and flailing in a sorry attempt to evade the two much larger boys' attack. Eventually, the two gave her a reprieve, all three of them panting and laughing. Rowan still laid on her back between the two boys, robes and hair disheveled from their assault. She then realized that Remus sat between her legs, her skirt riding up dangerously. For the nth time that evening, her face burned. She jerked up suddenly and immediately felt a searing white pain shoot through her forehead as she collided with Sirius' elbow.

"Order of fucking Merlin!" she cursed loudly. She hunched over gripping her forehead. Anyone in the Common Room who hadn't been watching their riotous display already jumped and turned to see the dark-haired girl rocking in pain between Sirius and Remus. The two boys barked out in laughter again, though Remus leaned over so that his face was leveled with Rowan's, placing a hand on her forehead.

"Hey, you okay?" he grinned at her, though more softly, light concern etched on his features. Rowan groaned and leaned into him, pressing her once again burning face into his chest.

"What is wrong with me?" she moaned into his chest, voice slightly muffled by his school jumper. He laughed again, though he wrapped an arm around her. Her nose was filled with his scent, something she'd noticed over the years – cool and clean and so entirely him, and she thought angrily to herself that her skin would burn off if she blushed one more time that night.

Finally, she pushed her embarrassment down and pulled away from Remus, looking up at him almost bashfully. He smiled deviously down at her again.

"So… about that potions assignment…" he drew out.

Rowan tried to fight the grin, but it quickly spread across her face and erupted into a short laugh, "Fine, fine, you win. I'll help you with that damn assignment." She punched him lightly in the chest and he laughed.

Remus and Sirius shared a triumphant cheer and high-fived over Rowan's head, at which Rowan rolled her eyes but smiled reluctantly.

Someone cleared their throat, and the three troublemakers looked up to see Mina Surrey at the end of the couch smiling amusedly at them. "You okay, Delacroix? That's quite a bump there," she grinned, gesturing at her forehead.

Rowan rubbed at the bump quickly forming, grinning back, "Yeah, trust me to make a total arse of myself in front of the whole house."

Mina laughed. "Well, I'm going to have to steal that one away from you guys for a few minutes if you don't mind," pointing at Remus.

He jerked up, "Oh, shoot, sorry, Surrey. I got distracted." He stood up and quickly straightened out his robes, which had become mussed up during the previous bout.

"I hadn't noticed," she replied mildly.

Remus looked down at Rowan and Sirius, "Sorry, I'll be back in a bit," he said. He looked at Rowan, "Best get started on that potions assignment, eh?" he grinned cheekily.

Rowan gave him her signature raspberry and shooed them off, turning to Sirius. He was staring after Mina with the longing look that she'd begun to identify with Sirius and James' crushes on Mina and Lily, respectively. Rowan rolled her eyes.

"You know you would have an easier time wooing Mina if you were a little nicer to her," she said, breaking him from his daze.

"And what would you know about wooing women?" he glared.

She rolled her eyes again. "I know you lot don't see me as a girl, but believe it or not, I am one and thus know a thing or two about what girls do and don't look for in love interests. Constant heckling is typically not on our checklists. And I happen to actually be friends with Mina, so I can assure you I know better than you do in this case."

Sirius continued to glare at her, but it softened. "I know all of that logically," he said softly, "but whenever I see her, it all goes out the window, and I find myself word-vomiting all over the place again."

"Well, if you took a moment to calm down before you 'word-vomit' you'd probably have better luck," she said haughtily, pulling out her potions book. She turned back to Sirius and said more gently, "If you gave her a chance to actually see you and not that damn bravado act you put on, I'm sure she'd consider giving you a chance. She's not a dumb girl – even a few moments of your real face, and she'd be able to understand that there's more to you than your fuckery."

Sirius' face scrunched up with amusement, "Fuckery?" he asked incredulously. He laughed, "I like that. I'll have to tell Prongs that we should make that a slogan." He observed Rowan for a moment quietly, "You really don't think we see you as a girl?" he asked.

She snorted. "Are you saying that you do?" she asked skeptically.

Sirius' eyebrows furrowed, "Of course, we do. It'd be hard to not notice your, ahem, feminine assets." He eyed her chest lasciviously and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Rowan's eyes shot up to his face with her cheeks burning, and her fist impulsively collided with his arm. He let out a girly squeal, and she laughed, punching him again, but not as violently.

Sirius rubbed his arm and laughed, "Seriously though, we do see you as a girl. The best actually – Moony is quite the lucky lad."

And once again, Rowan's face burned – how many times could she blush tonight? "What? He's not- We're not-" she stammered. She realized mid-babble that she'd jumped to conclusions in her response and had now dug herself a hole, her face burning even more than she thought possible.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "What's this? Do you..." he whispered conspiratorially, "Do you fancy Remus?" Sirius grinned, knowing that he'd just stumbled upon a juicy piece of gossip that no one else had.

"No!" she whispered desperately at him. "You of all people should know that!"

He raised an eyebrow again. "If you say so, but if you can tease me for my lack of tact, I can tease you for being obliviously obvious."

Rowan glared up at Sirius, still flustered, then shocked him with a sad expression, staring down at her potions book still grasped in her hands. "Please don't tell anyone. I'll do anything," she whispered, "I'm okay with us just being friends, but I'd die of humiliation if anyone else ever knew, especially him."

Sirius' eyebrows shot up to his hairline this time. "Of course, I won't, but really, don't you think you should tell him? I'm sure he'd be much more responsive than you give yourself credit for. The guy would be daft for outright rejecting you." His gaze softened.

Rowan looked miserable. "Look, we're just friends. I've resigned myself to that. Please don't push it anymore," she whispered sadly. Sirius was shocked to see tears glistening in her eyes.

"What are you two conspiring about?" Rowan and Sirius looked up to see Remus return to his previous spot, obviously done with his meeting with Mina.

"Oh, nothing!" Rowan said cheerfully, though internally she was panicking, and she knew that her face was once again bright red. She rapidly blinked away the hot tears in her eyes, ashamed that she was caught in this situation. She had to get out of there immediately before she truly mucked things up. She shoved her books back into her bag and sprang to her feet. "I'm going to work in my room tonight – feeling a little peaky. G'night!" And with that she ran up the stairs and disappeared into the girls' dormitory.

Remus stared after her, confused. "Did something happen while I was gone?" he asked Sirius, a worried look etched across his face. His gaze remained on the staircase, hoping to see her reemerge.

Sirius sighed, "It's nothing, mate - just girl troubles. I'm sure she'll tell you about it later."

This didn't really alleviate Remus' concerns, but he let it go. If Rowan had felt comfortable enough to confide in Sirius, surely she'd tell him later.


	4. Of Hellebore, Fire Crabs & Chocolate

**A/N:** This chapter is dialogue-heavy and pertains more to Rowan's relationship with Sirius and her developing friendship with Mina. Please enjoy, rate, and review!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

**Chapter 4: Of Hellebore, Fire Crabs, and Chocolate**

The next morning, Rowan avoided Remus and Sirius – she came to breakfast early and made friendly conversation with Lily Evans, who was always an early-riser, and made up an excuse of writing a letter to her parents so that she wouldn't have to walk with the Marauders to their first class. Rowan knew she could play off her strange behavior as nothing and Remus would accept her excuses, but she felt especially uncomfortable that morning knowing that her secret was out, even if only one other person knew – and of all the people who could've found out, it was Sirius Black that had caught onto her silly infatuation with their mutual friend. She knew he would never tell Remus, but knowing that anyone held such delicate information over her was nerve-rattling to say the least, and so she was resolved to keep to herself for the day. She felt guilty knowing that she wouldn't talk to Remus before he left for his transformation, but she convinced herself that by the time he returned, he would've forgotten the embarrassing spectacle she'd made of herself the night before in the Common Room.

Luckily, they had assigned partners during their Herbology lesson, and Rowan was miraculously paired with Mina Surrey. Neither of them had a real passion for the subject, but they were both competitive students – Mina in particular, who had a desire to go into auror training after Hogwarts – and thus, their partnership was one that the rest of the diligent students eyed cautiously. They were crushing black hellebore blossoms for potion-making, creating a goopy dark purple paste, and Rowan was reciting in her head silently all the potions that included it.

_Draught of Happiness, Calming Draught, Pick-Me-Up, Blues-Be-Gone Brew…_ Rowan listed mentally, a meditative calm settling over her.

"Rowan…"

Rowan kept mashing the blossoms into her mortar, still lost in her thoughts, now listing the properties for white hellebore.

_German sneezing powder, Alexander's Downfall, constipation cure…_

"Rowan!"

She looked up to see Mina staring at her. "What?" she asked shakily.

"You're overdoing it," she replied, staring pointedly down at the now browning paste in her mortar.

Rowan groaned, "Sorry, Surrey. I guess my mind isn't in the right place today." She smiled apologetically at her.

"It wouldn't have anything to do with Lupin, would it?" Mina asked nonchalantly, though eyeing her cautiously.

Rowan looked up at her quickly. "Of course not," she said, kicking herself mentally for her suddenness - _real smooth, Delacroix_. "No, I'm just thinking about the potions assignment due next week."

This time Mina groaned. "Seriously? You're already going to get top marks on it. Why would you be thinking about it now?" she asked incredulously, but affectionately.

Rowan laughed, "Can't help it. I just love potions!" She stopped and grinned, "I sound like a right nutter saying that, don't I?"

Mina laughed and shook her head, returning back to her mortar and pestle. They shared a comfortable silence for a few moments before Mina started again.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" she asked Rowan quietly.

"Yeah, shoot," Rowan responded.

"Why is someone like you friends with Black?" she asked slowly.

Rowan looked at her, confused. "What do you mean, 'someone like me'?"

Mina seemed to be searching for the right words. "I mean, I can understand that you have mutual friends and are both troublemakers," she stopped for a moment and Rowan grinned at her. Mina couldn't help but grin back for a moment, but then continued, "But you're very… Well, you're kind. I know you like to cause havoc every now and then, but when it comes down to it, I also know you're the kind of person who would… I don't know… help someone up when they drop their books. But Black…" she trailed off.

"He's likely the one who smacked the books out of that someone's hands," Rowan finished for her.

"Yeah," Mina nodded. "It's just that I can't understand why someone who has herself so together would befriend someone so bent on bullying everyone in this school."

Mina looked over at Rowan, who was visibly thinking. She'd heard Remus tease Rowan about her "Grinding Gears Expression" and she had to bite down a chuckle when she saw it on her face. It was as if she could visibly see the thoughts trickling down from her head to her mouth. Finally, Rowan spoke.

"I can imagine how it looks, and I can't blame you for disliking Sirius," she started slowly. Mina snorted in derision, and Rowan gave her a rueful smile. "Honestly, I didn't like him much at first either – if James and I hadn't been mates since childhood, we probably wouldn't have gotten on at all. He's not an easy bloke to get to know, and getting him to open up is like prying a fire crab from its shell." Her face scrunched up as if remembering a particularly frustrating memory, "But once you do, he'll be your friend for life. He's certainly saved my hide more than once."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Umm…" she thought carefully. "Oh, okay. Well, the summer before our Third Year, I acquired a taste for chocolate." She thought back on _why_ she became so obsessed – a certain Remus Lupin had brought her back a bar of rare Swiss chocolate with essence of asphodel from his family's vacation to the Swiss Alps, and she quickly began to crave anything of the sort.

Mina raised an eyebrow at her. "Yes, yes, I know how daft it sounds, but it was different! I developed a very discernable palate for only the finest of chocolate! A connoisseur, if you will!" Rowan said dramatically. Mina's skeptical expression remained. Rowan sighed, "By the end of the summer, it was quite an addiction. I'd even resorted to stealing it from the shops at Diagon Alley because my parents stopped giving me any allowance to spend on it. It sounds silly, but it really happened."

This grabbed Mina's attention – she knew Rowan had a streak of troublemaking in her, but stealing?

"I know. It's not something I'm proud of, but it was more about the thrill of it rather than the actual chocolate, and it was also a bit of rebellion against my parents. Anyway, eventually a shopkeeper caught me stealing some really pricey artisan chocolate from his shop. He threatened to call a Ministry officer on me, but Sirius stepped in and took the blame for it, saying that he bullied me into it."

Rowan was looking down at her mortar and pestle, now still in her hands. She frowned. "Of course, I didn't let him take the fall for me. The shopkeeper took pity and only called our parents, but Sirius definitely got it worse than I did." Her brow furrowed again, and she looked up to stare at Mina as if trying to determine if she should continue. "His parents are quite awful. I don't like speaking ill of my friends' families, but his truly is terrible."

Mina nodded. She was a Muggle-born, but she'd heard enough about the Black family in her five years at Hogwarts to know their dark reputation. Rowan continued, "I tried to convince them that it was my fault, but just the fact that he was associating with me, the daughter of blood traitors, was enough for them to be angry. I didn't see him again until the beginning of the school year. He still won't really talk about what happened."

The two girls stood together silently at their bench for a few minutes, both considering Rowan's story. Finally, Rowan spoke again, "So I don't know if this helps you get a better understanding of Sirius, but he really is a good guy. There are some fucked up reasons for why he is the way that he is, but I think it speaks a lot to his character that he turned out so well coming from such a terrible background. I can understand why you dislike him still, but maybe you can also understand why I value him so much."

Mina held Rowan's gaze and nodded slowly, mulling over her words, and then she smiled hesitantly. "Well, I guess if you can vouch for his character, he can't be all bad," she joked.

Rowan smiled back, "Yeah… He is still kind of a prat though." The two grinned at each other and returned to their work. The bell indicating the end of class soon rang, and as they packed up their bags, Mina looked over at Sirius from the corner of her eye. She saw him mussing up Peter Pettigrew's hair, and on his face was a gentler expression of affection than she'd ever noticed before. She decided, then, that perhaps Rowan was right and that he really couldn't be all that bad.


	5. Of Shame & Hormones

**A/N: **Another slower chapter, all from the POV of Remus pre-transformation. In it, we see a little into his friendship with Rowan.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Chapter 5: Of Shame, Hormones, and the Forbidden Forest**

Remus didn't see Rowan again before he left for his monthly transformation. He caught a glimpse of her back as she ran out of Herbology and felt a strange ache in his chest that he couldn't identify. As he and Madame Pomfrey walked to the Whomping Willow, he looked up at the castle illuminated against the red and orange sky and sighed. He was sure that she'd been avoiding him all day, but he didn't know why. He couldn't think of any reason for her to be mad at him. Their wrestling the day before had been playful, so he thought, but maybe he'd pushed her too far – she was a girl after all, and he couldn't just assume that she'd be okay with being so physical with him, even if they were good friends. But no, they'd roughhoused more than that before, and she'd never batted an eye. So what was different?

As they reached the tree, Madame Pomfrey unknotted the branch on the tree with a swish of her wand and directed Remus inside. He should've been used to this by now, he thought to himself, but no matter how many times he walked through the long corridor with her, he couldn't help but feel awkward in the older woman's presence, knowing that she knew what he was.

Then he thought back to Sirius and Rowan's private conversation in the Common Room while he'd been talking to Mina – he couldn't have told her, could he? No, Sirius would never betray his secret, even to Rowan. He felt a stab of guilt – Rowan was as close to him as any of the Marauders, but every time he thought of confiding in her his dark secret, he felt a wave of shame hit him. He knew she'd accept him for what he was, but the idea of her carrying that burden for him nauseated him. How would she react to it? The image of her looking at him with pity in her eyes was sickening, and the very idea of it was enough for him to keep his secret to himself.

But if his secret was safe, then what could she have possibly been confiding in Sirius that she couldn't talk to Remus about? Perhaps… Perhaps she'd confessed some sort of romantic feelings for Sirius and had been embarrassed by his rejection. It wouldn't have been the first time a girl had confronted the dark-haired boy with romantic overtures, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Sirius Black was simply too handsome for his own good, thought Remus morosely. Despite being taller than the both of them, he often felt quite plain standing next to Sirius and James, who were both so striking and charismatic that it was a wonder that anyone knew his name at all.

But did Rowan really fancy Sirius? A frown formed on his face, and he rubbed the scar that ran along the left side of his jaw absent-mindedly. He supposed it could make sense. They were both perhaps the two best-looking students in their year, and they had many things in common. They shared similar backgrounds and a similar sense of humor, though Sirius was much crueler than she. Both were quite brilliant and well liked by their teachers and peers. They would certainly be something to behold – a Hogwarts power couple if there ever was one.

His frown deepened. He'd never really thought of it so explicitly, but Rowan was indeed quite a striking young woman – beautiful, even. She didn't gussy herself up like most girls. She let her dark hair flow freely and wildly about her – sometimes he wondered if she brushed it at all – and she rarely, if ever, put a drop of makeup on. But even so, he considered her features and the lightness of her countenance and decided that, yes, Rowan Delacroix was beautiful. The thought gave him pause and set a sort of uneasiness in his stomach. He didn't like the idea of seeing his best friend as beautiful.

Remus suddenly remembered the feeling of her thighs beneath his hands as he carried her through the Portrait Hole the night before and how he had fought the way his body reacted to the sensation of her smooth skin against his rough hands, chalking it up to adolescent hormones. He felt something stir in him again at the memory of her bare legs against his chest and noted that he'd never taken the time to notice the changes in her body. She must have changed with puberty since their First Year, he thought logically, but he couldn't conjure up an image of her figure's proportions.

As he settled into a corner of the Shrieking Shack, Madame Pomfrey turned to leave. Remus looked up through the cracks of the boarded up windows to see the sky being stained an inky blue. He probably had about 30 minutes until his transformation. He knew the other Marauders would be arriving soon. James had been planning a run through the Forbidden Forest for the past week, and he imagined that he'd be rushing out of the castle as soon as it was dark.

Remus began to remove his clothes – he'd learned at a very young age that keeping them on only served to ruin them. He shivered at the cool autumn air against his chest and felt a familiar ache in his old cuts. As he folded them and placed them in a dusty chest in the corner, he looked up at the sky again to see that it was nearly black. He could see a hazy light behind a gray smog, and as the full moon appeared from behind the clouds, his last coherent thought was that he would try to see Rowan first thing in the morning.


	6. Of Breasts, Excuses & PMS

**A/N:** I've been getting a lot of reads, yay! Thanks to sarahmichellegellarfan1 for your input! _Please review?_ T_T

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

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**Chapter 6: Of Breasts, Excuses, and PMS**

The first thought that crossed Rowan's mind the next morning was that she wanted to see Remus. She knew that he wouldn't be present for their morning lessons, but he always made it to their afternoon lessons post-transformation, looking haggard and pale. She was always torn between admiration and exasperation at seeing how determined he was to make it to class, even when so thoroughly exhausted. Ever since discovering his secret, she'd spent most full moon nights lying awake until the early morning hours, and even now, she had a hard time staying in bed knowing that he was somewhere out there alone and vulnerable. The guilt from the day before had stayed with her throughout the night, and she racked her brain for some explanation to feed him for her avoidance, finally settling on the clichéd "female time of the month" excuse.

Sighing, Rowan hauled herself from her bed and went about her morning routine, quietly as to not wake her roommates. She made her way down to the Great Hall and was surprised to see Remus already sitting at the Gryffindor House Table, head-down on his folded arms and looking tired and worn-out. Her stomach jumped, and she was tempted to retreat, but as she saw his already graying hair poking up messily, she steeled herself and marched down the length of the table, nodding to Lily who was already sitting with the Daily Prophet open.

Remus lurched up when the seat next to him shifted and looked confused and shocked to see Rowan smiling awkwardly at him. "Rough night?" she asked.

"You have no idea," he grumbled, dropping his head back down onto the table with a clunk. The Marauders had taken it upon themselves to wear his inner wolf out throughout the night, taking turns sprinting with him throughout the Forbidden Forest until he'd collapsed from exhaustion. When he'd woken in the Shrieking Shack at dawn, his arms and legs ached and looked as if they'd gone through a windstorm made of broken glass, which he'd identified as the remnants of his run through the dense forest vegetation. Fortunately though, he couldn't find any permanent damage from his own doing – a first. Madame Pomfrey had healed up the superficial cuts immediately, and he'd ignored her orders to sleep a few hours before going to class.

Rowan observed him silently for a moment, noting the lack of new scars on his face, and though she couldn't be sure about the damage beneath his clothes, she felt relief wash over her. She scanned over his face for a few more moments, noting the developing definition of his jaw and his sculpted mouth, which was much more relaxed than she'd ever seen it before. Shaking herself from her silly schoolgirl trance, she set to piling her plate with eggs and bacon, mentally berating herself again. _Seriously, Delacroix, get a grip. _

A few minutes later, Remus cracked his eyes open to see Rowan's gaze set on her Charms textbook, which was now lying open in front of her. She had seemingly forgotten about her plate of food and was focused on the reading, eyes scanning over the pages and quill scratching notes down in her notebook. Her hair was loose and messy as usual, and the white morning light spilled down through the high windows of the Great Hall and illuminated it, a dark fire. Her full lips were set in a serious line, and he noticed for the first time the graceful lines of her neck, which fell elegantly to eventually form the swell of her breasts.

_Breasts?_ Remus was suddenly struck with embarrassment by the realization that he'd never associated such a body part with Rowan, despite knowing objectively that she must have them. He stared at her form – back straight and chest rising and falling slowly, and he noticed the obvious feminine curves – curves he should've noticed much sooner, if he thought about it logically. He felt heat rise through him, which settled in his loins and on his cheeks, and he was torn between the hormonal urge to touch her and the shame he felt for the unexpected surge of lust directed at his best friend. But despite the embarrassment and adolescent haze, he forced his eyes upward to her face and was suddenly struck by the truth of his thoughts from the night before – Rowan Delacroix was _indeed_ beautiful.

Rowan felt the weight of someone's gaze upon her and she looked over to find Remus staring up at her thoughtfully, head still resting on top of his arms. She shifted nervously. "Everything okay?" she asked.

He smiled quietly and nodded, then closed his eyes again, willing his body's reaction to die down. He opened his eyes again and saw her still looking down at him. "You look tired," he said quietly with a small smile.

Her lips twitched upward for a moment. "Says you. Have you looked in a mirror lately?"

He let out a breath – tired laughter – and responded, "Yeah, didn't sleep much last night."

She smiled amusedly at him, "Yeah, I could've guessed as much." She hesitated, but put a hand on his shoulder and rubbed him comfortingly. "You should go back up to the dorms and sleep. I'll take notes for you in Transfiguration."

Remus sighed and felt the warmth of Rowan's hand sear through his robes. _This is wrong_, he thought. _I shouldn't be feeling like this. This is my best friend._

He sat up slowly and turned to her, assessing her quietly for a moment. Her hand fell away from his back and he immediately missed its pressure. "Can I ask you something?" he asked quietly.

She looked at him, confused. "Of course, ask away," she said.

He paused, mind groping blindly for the right wording. "Do you fancy Sirius?" he blurted, immediately regretting it. He had wanted to approach that topic gradually, but to be so sudden! He felt his ears burn with embarrassment.

"_Sirius?"_ she asked incredulously. Her body leaned backward suddenly, as if the question had forced her back. "No, never!" she cried. "What on earth gave you that idea?"

Remus' ears burned even hotter at her words and found that he didn't know how to follow-up his stupid initial question. "I don't know! It's just that – the other night –" he stammered. "The other night you two seemed so serious about something, and when I came back, I felt like you ran away. Then yesterday…" he trailed off.

Rowan's face burned now too. "I, uh, you see…" she bit out. "I was on my period," she said lamely.

Remus was sure his face would burn off. "Your… period?" he asked weakly.

Rowan wished the earth would open up and swallow her. "Yeah," she said stiffly. "I was really moody, and Sirius called me out on it, and because my hormones were all out of sorts, I kind of snapped at him. And then yesterday, I felt guilty about it, so I tried to avoid you guys until I was sure that I had my emotions under control so it wouldn't happen again."

The two sat in silence for a moment, neither looking at each other. Finally, Remus started again.

"So… you _don't_ fancy Sirius," he concluded lamely.

Rowan laughed awkwardly, "Merlin, no! I could never!"

Remus felt the fire in his ears cool slightly. "Never?" he said, praying that he didn't sound too hopeful.

"Never!" she laughed, more comfortably this time. "He's much too full of himself for my tastes. I prefer nice boys. Not that Sirius isn't a nice guy," she added quickly. "But he's too proud and I think our tempers are too similar, so even if I _were_ attracted to him – which I'm not – nothing good would ever come of it," she finished.

Something inside Remus howled in triumph, and he mentally frowned at his gut reaction to this news. Honestly, this wasn't good or bad information, so there was no reason to be so pleased about this.

"Oh, well, okay then," he said pathetically.

The two sat in silence once again. Rowan turned back to her Charms book to distract her from the hopeful thudding in her chest.

"So… have you made any progress with that Potions assignment yet?" Remus asked hopefully.

Rowan laughed and smacked him on the arm. Remus grinned back at her, and suddenly, things were back to normal. As Remus walked up to the boys' dorms – Rowan had finally convinced him to take the morning off – he forced the events of that morning to the back of his mind and chalked up the uneasy feeling in his stomach at the thought of his female friend to exhaustion, and as he fell asleep, he felt inexplicably calmer knowing that Sirius and Rowan wouldn't be dating anytime soon.


	7. Of Stink Pellets, Threats & Invitations

**A/N:** This is a long one and contains quite a bit of what our heroes are best at – mischief! Please review!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

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**Chapter 7: Of Stink Pellets, Threats, and Invitations**

Autumn quickly began to turn to winter at Hogwarts, and with the change in seasons came Fifth Year evaluations. With their O.W.L.s at the end of the year, the Fifth Year students felt the faculty clamp down on them with heavier workloads and higher expectations. Even the brightest of students were beginning to feel the strain.

"Ugh, I can't take this!" James cried, throwing his Transfiguration textbook on the table. He and Sirius had just come to dinner from Quidditch practice in high spirits only to be brought down with reminders of the essay about human transfiguration due the next day that McGonagall had only assigned to them that morning. "They can't _honestly_ expect us to do this! It's mad!"

Rowan felt a headache coming on. She'd been pretty useless while tutoring the Second Years in Potions earlier in the evening due to her mind being on the piles of homework she herself had lined up for that night, and she'd completely forgotten about said Transfiguration essay until James' outburst. It was starting to look like another sleepless night. She pinched the bridge of her nose to try to block the pain that was beginning to spread throughout her forehead.

She was broken from her moment of peace when James shook her violently.

"_What is wrong with you_?" she cried out angrily.

"Rowan, shut up! I just had a great idea to make this night a little more bearable, but it all depends on you to execute it. Interested?" James had that glint in his eye again, and Rowan felt a grin break across her face.

"I'm listening," she said slowly.

"Well, I happen to have procured a new brand of stink pellet from our last Zonko's trip that Filch hasn't blacklisted yet and was thinking that we could have some fun with our slithery friends across the way," he whispered, eyeing across the Great Hall. "And if my plan goes accordingly, none of us will get in trouble for it, so you don't have to throw a hissy fit after."

"I do not throw hissy fits!" she bit back at him.

James rolled his eyes. "Are you in or out?"

Rowan glared back at him. "Well, obviously I'm in. What's the plan?"

* * *

Remus and Peter were walking down the table to see the three troublemakers' heads together, no doubt planning something terrible. Remus rolled his eyes at the sight. "What are you lot plotting this time?" he asked exasperatedly, sitting down in his usual spot next to Rowan.

The three shot apart and looked at him innocently. "Nooothing," they said in a unified singsong voice.

Rowan grinned at him toothily, and he felt his chest contract, as he'd been experiencing so frequently recently, and he mentally scolded himself for what seemed like the fiftieth time that week.

"Well, I need to go talk to Slughorn for a second about this week's Potions assignment. I'll be back in a jiff," she said nonchalantly, standing up from the Gryffindor table.

The Marauders' gaze followed her across the Great Hall, and Remus felt that lurch in his stomach that he was becoming so familiar with as Rowan stopped at the Hufflepuff house table to share some words with Leith Bagman, a handsome and burly Sixth Year on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. He'd grabbed her hand as she walked down the aisle between their two tables, and she blushed prettily at the blonde boy's attentions.

"Seriously, Delacroix, stop mucking around!" Sirius whispered in frustration under his breath.

Remus also felt annoyance at her unexpected stop, and he tried to convince himself that it was because he was impatient to see what they had planned. But as Leith turned himself completely around to face Rowan and took both of her small hands in his, he felt a surge of anger bubble in his throat. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but the large boy's intentions were obvious. Rowan alternated between smiling flirtatiously at Leith and glancing back at the Marauders, who were watching her every move. Eventually, she said something quickly to Leith, to which he grinned and finally let her continue on her way. Remus saw Leith's group of Hufflepuff mates clap him on the back, and he couldn't help but feel an icy chill of jealousy curl up his spine.

After what seemed like an eternity, Rowan reached Professor Slughorn, who was making his usual rounds down the Slytherin table, stopping at his more notable house members and speaking in loud booming tones. Slughorn looked thrilled to see her and shook her hand enthusiastically, though most of the Slytherins eyed her with disdain. No one could be surprised that Rowan was one of the Potions professor's favorites – she unfailingly received the best marks in his class and came from a distinguished Pureblood family. To say he doted on her would be an understatement.

The Marauders watched her turn her charms on the unwitting professor, and he could see the man nearly melt with affection for the girl. She smiled and verbally sparred with the man for a few minutes so smoothly that Remus nearly missed the tiny bean-sized pellets that fell from her robes as she subtly jerked her sleeve mid-conversation.

"Brilliant!" James whispered. He glanced at Sirius, and the two shared a devious grin.

"I missed it! What'd she do?" whined Peter, though he was quickly shushed by the two other boys.

Finally, Rowan ended her conversation with the professor with a warm smile and turned to walk back to the Gryffindor table, bowing dramatically to Professor Dumbledore along the way, who was smiling at her knowingly but simply nodded and said nothing. Much to Remus' chagrin, she chose to walk along the same route as before, ensuring that she'd have to pass Leith Bagman again. As she passed the Hufflepuff, she smiled at him warmly but didn't stop, and as she sat back down in her seat, she grinned and leaned forward. "_Now_," she whispered.

A loud _bang_ was heard from the Slytherin table, and the far end of the Great Hall was suddenly filled with the sounds of shrieks and coughing. Once the small cloud of brown smoke cleared, a large group of older Slytherins, including Rabastan Lestrange, Severus Snape, Vindicta Bulstrode, and Evan Rosier, were doubled over in choking coughs, grasping their faces and looking green in the face. Lestrange was covered in what looked like mashed potatoes, and Rosier's face was coated with an unappetizing brown paste. Both boys were screaming indignantly and desperately attempting to wipe the mess from their persons.

Laughter erupted from the Hufflepuff and Gryffindor tables with applause from several individuals, and even though a few at the Ravenclaw table had to suffer from the stench of the stink pellets, the majority of their house could also be heard laughing at the Slytherins' expense.

Remus wiped a tear of laughter from the corner of his eye and looked over at Rowan, whose face was glowing with triumphant laughter. She met his gaze and grinned, and he felt that uncomfortable fluttering in his stomach again.

Eventually, the raucous quieted down, and Professor Dumbledore called the Great Hall's attention to the front.

"I believe we have had a bit of mischief on our hands tonight," he said, eyes twinkling. "Can anyone step forward to take responsibility for this, uh, incident?"

There was silence.

"She did it! I know she did!" suddenly came a shriek from the Slytherin table. Priscilla Parkinson was pointing an accusatory finger across the hall at Rowan, who had an expression of affronted innocence on her face but said nothing.

Dumbledore considered Priscilla's words for a moment. "I see, and do you have any proof that Ms. Delacroix is indeed the culprit?" he asked calmly.

"She was over here earlier talking to Professor Slughorn, and she must have dropped whatever that terrible thing was," she cried.

Dumbledore eyed her carefully before turning back to Rowan. "Well, do you have anything a response to these accusations, Ms. Delacroix?" he asked lightly.

Rowan stood with a haughty air and replied, "I'm quite insulted that Ms. Parkinson would accuse me of such a pedestrian act. Professor Slughorn knows that I have nothing but respect for him and would never take advantage of his trust by doing something so low and childish." She drew herself up, back straight, and Remus swore she grew a few inches in that brief moment.

"Here, here!" shouted Sirius. Applause rang out down the Gryffindor table, and Professor Slughorn puffed his chest out with pride at what he perceived to be applause for him.

Shouts of rage sprang from the Slytherins in response to the Gryffindors, and Dumbledore had to call order to the Great Hall once again.

"Well then, it seems that we are missing our culprit," he said mildly. Murmurs of discontent echoed down the Slytherin house table. Dumbledore cleared his throat, silencing the hall once more. "Since we can't seem to find who is at fault here, we will just have to draw the case to a close for now, though I would advise any troublemakers that this sort of mischief will not be tolerated in the future." Remus could have sworn he saw Dumbledore's eyes flicker towards his friends.

"And with that, I would say that it is time for homework and bed! Ta!" he said with a smile, standing from his seat and strolling out of the Great Hall.

* * *

"That was fantastic!" Peter cried as they walked out of the Great Hall, first making sure they were out of earshot of any faculty members. "Really, Rowan, that was award-worthy!"

Rowan grinned, "Thank you, Peter. I must say, I'm quite proud of that performance. I even surprised myself with that one."

"Man, we really made a good call with that one. No one would've believed us if either of us had tried to pull that off ourselves," James said. Sirius nodded seriously.

"Hey, Delacroix!" shouted a masculine voice from behind them. Lestrange and Rosier were running after them, wands in hand and faces contorted with rage. They both still carried the stench of the stink pellets, and the Marauders found it difficult to hold in their laughter. "You've just signed your death warrant. Just because you're one of that old mudblood lover's favorites doesn't mean you can get away with something like that, blood traitor," Lestrange threatened.

"Who said it was her?" James came forward. "You're going to listen to that dumb cow Parkinson? For all you know, it was me!" he challenged menacingly.

Lestrange and Rosier looked even angrier, if that were possible. Rosier growled, "As far as I'm concerned, all of you are on my shit list and had best watch your backs."

"Want to make a go of it?" spat Sirius, moving forward quickly, drawing out his wand.

"_What is going on here?!"_ shouted a voice. The group turned to see Professor McGonagall rushing toward them. "What do you lot think you're doing? Fighting in the hallways! _Really!_"

Remus stepped forward this time. "We were just having a conversation Professor. No fighting here," he said evenly. Rowan watched him in secret admiration – he was always the voice of reason.

McGonagall assessed him. She turned to the others, still bristling, "I'll let this go tonight, but if I catch any of you fighting in the halls again, it will be a month's worth of detentions and fifty points from your houses. _Each!_" And with that, she turned to leave.

"You got lucky this time," Rosier said quietly. "You especially, you bitch," he glared at Rowan, to which she stared haughtily back.

"You can try anytime you like," she said. "Not like a talentless worm like you could do anything even if you tried."

He sneered at her and turned to leave, Rodolphus Lestrange following closely behind.

The group made sure the Slytherins had left before continuing their trek up to the Gryffindor Common Room. Peter, James, and Sirius took their places at the front, conversation once again turned back to the large amounts of homework ahead of them. Rowan linked her arm in Remus' as she usually did and walked with him contentedly.

"So what did Leith Bagman want with you earlier?" Remus asked quietly. It'd been gnawing at him for the past hour, and he was dying to know what had transpired between them.

"Oh, that," she muttered, her cheeks tinged with pink. "Well… He asked me if I'd go with him on the next Hogsmeade trip," she said, embarrassed.

Remus looked down at her quickly. "Like a date?" he asked, shocked.

Rowan looked flustered. "Yeah, I suppose so. I don't really know much about him though, so I told him I'd think about it."

"Do you find him attractive?" Remus asked, the insides of his stomach curdling.

Rowan's face scrunched up. "Not really," she admitted. "I mean, I suppose objectively he's a good-looking bloke, but I don't know. He's a little too brawny – I feel like he could crush me in an instant – and when we was holding my hands earlier, it was like they were being held in a gorilla's."

Remus snorted, and Rowan grinned at him. "So are you going to say no then?" Remus asked.

He looked down to see Rowan's Gear Grinding Expression. "I don't know. I know I probably shouldn't go with him since I'm not actually interested in him, but I've never been on a date before, and I imagine I probably won't be getting any other offers anytime soon. Maybe I should go just to see what it's like," she rambled. "I mean, I could do worse than Leith, and he does seem like a nice guy, even if he's a little dim."

Remus felt his stomach drop, but then she looked up at him and asked, "What do you think?" Her cheeks were stained pink, and he wanted know what she was thinking more than anything.

He considered his next words carefully before speaking. "I don't think it's a good idea. He could really fancy you, and saying yes would send him the wrong message," he responded measuredly, and much to his relief, she nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, you're right. I'll let him know tomorrow that I don't think it's a good idea."

Remus felt his spirits lighten considerably, and as he and Rowan sat down in the Common Room to work on their Transfiguration essays, he stole a glance at her and noticed that she'd also been looking at him, with a light blush on her cheeks. He grinned, which she returned, and as they tucked into their books, he decided that it had turned out to be quite a good night after all.


	8. Of Dreams, Futures & Limitations

**A/N:** I updated this chapter a bit. There were some parts that I thought a little something-something. I hope you enjoy it!

Thanks to all of you who have been following along! I'm so pleased that people are responding well to it! Once again, please leave me review! I really appreciate all the feedback I can get!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

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**Chapter 8: Of Dreams, Futures, and Limitations**

A few weeks passed after the stink pellet incident in the Great Hall, and the Slytherins still hadn't acted to make good on their threat. The boys laughed it off, but secretly, Rowan worried. The boys could handle themselves, and even if a group of Slytherins cornered one of them alone, they wouldn't be in nearly as much danger as she would if she were caught by herself by some of the bigger male Slytherins. She took to traveling the corridors with one of the boys at all times, though preferably not Peter whom she admitted was quite useless, and when none of them were available, she latched onto one of her roommates.

She'd begun to get quite close to Mina, who had proven to be a great Herbology partner. The two girls even spent a few hours studying together in the library over the past few weeks, something that Sirius wasn't sure to be pleased or anxious about. Mina had taken it upon herself to tolerate Sirius more, which had confused him at first, but he was also making strides in his attempts to not make an ass of himself in front of her, though most of his progress was just the result of his not speaking much to her at all. Rowan supposed that this was a sort of improvement from his previous behavior, but he still had a long way to go before he won Mina's affection.

Two weeks before Christmas break signified pre-O.W.L. evaluations for Fifth Year students with their House Heads, and even the more blasé students like Sirius could be seen with their noses in their books. McGonagall had been arranging appointments with the Gryffindor Fifth Years to discuss their various post-graduation outlooks, and though she had always gotten on well with the stern woman, Rowan couldn't help but feel anxious at the thought of discussing her personal plans with her.

Remus had his appointment a few days before Rowan had scheduled hers, and the dark look on his features after he had returned to the Common Room made her worry. When she asked him about it though, he brushed her off with his gentle smile and told her he was just worried about his Potions grades.

The truth of the matter was that, as a werewolf, Remus didn't exactly have many options to begin with. It was a privilege that he'd been allowed to study at Hogwarts at all, and there were few employers were tolerant enough to hire a werewolf. He went into his meeting with McGonagall with no illusions, and she had not tried to mollify his concerns with gentle words. Minerva McGonagall was nothing, if not a straightforward and no-nonsense woman, and she ensured that Remus knew what to expect after leaving Hogwarts.

"I trust you have an idea of what you'll be getting yourself into, Mr. Lupin," she said, eyeing him over her spectacles.

Remus sat with his palms over his knees, leaning forward in his chair. "Yes, I've started compiling a list of jobs that might accommodate my condition," he responded. "In the best case scenario, provided I do well in all my exams, I was hoping to find an editing or research position, one that wouldn't require me to spend regular hours in an office, perhaps in Charms or Defense Against the Dark Arts. I have already begun looking into the application process for the Institute of Charms and Enchantments."

Professor McGonagall looked through his records and noted his high marks in both courses. "Yes, that would seem to be the best option, though I must say that if your exams do not go according to plan – heaven forbid – your condition will most likely require you to seek a career in less glamorous positions."

She peered down her nose at him, and Remus suddenly was reminded of the Sorting Hat Ceremony. "Yes, I am aware and am prepared to take the necessary steps should I not perform up to par on my O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s." he replied quietly. He felt his face burn under her scrutiny and was relieved when she looked back down at the file on her desk.

McGonagall sighed. "Well then, you seem to have your affairs in order, as to be expected. I suspect I won't have to worry about your performance at the end of the year, but just remember to stay diligent in your studies." She looked at him again, her expression softening momentarily. "You're a good lad, Mr. Lupin. I wish you the best of luck."

Remus felt his throat tighten briefly before standing up and thanking Professor McGonagall for her time and concerns, but as he turned the corner around her office, he stepped into the toilets and steadied himself against the door of one of the stalls, breath unsteady and tears threatening to spill over.

He still had a couple of more years at Hogwarts, but he knew that soon he would have to leave its comforts and try his luck in the real world where people were not so kind and he would have to wear his condition publicly like a scarlet letter. He dreaded the idea of being stuck in a rubbish job while seeing his friends move onto illustrious careers in interesting fields – for they were all quite brilliant and would no doubt be competitive candidates for whatever positions they sought. He knew James wanted to enter Auror training immediately after graduation, and though Sirius was still quite aimless, he knew that he would eventually find his niche as well and excel. Even Peter was capable enough to find a decent and fulfilling job, and he felt guilty for the bitterness that bubbled in his throat that came from knowing that he was twice as intelligent as Peter but half as likely to find a sufficient job.

His mind then wandered to Rowan. He frowned. He wasn't sure what exactly she wanted to pursue. She was brighter than any of them, but she'd never expressed a particular desire to go into any field, though he knew of her passion for Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts. She was a gifted duelist – perhaps she would follow James to the Auror academy. It would suit her, he thought. With the dangers of the Dark Lord looming in the outside world, he could easily see her wanting to fight.

Once they graduated, she would inevitably find out what he was. He grit his teeth at the thought. Should he tell her before then or should he wait it out as long as he could? Sure, his mates hadn't treated him any differently when they'd discovered his "furry little secret," as James called it, but Rowan was different. The thought of her possibly pitying him made him squeeze his eyes shut, and he had to will his racing heart to slow.

Suddenly, Remus felt incredibly alone, something he pushed from his mind usually, but with the talks of options for the future, he couldn't avoid the overwhelming weight of all of his doors quickly shutting on him, and as he sat in the stall considering what limited doors remained open, he felt the tears finally spill over, and he buried his face into the sleeves of his robes and cried.

* * *

Rowan didn't see Remus much over the next few days. He seemed to be trapped in a dark place that she couldn't reach, and she realized that something must have happened in his meeting with McGonagall to cause him to pull into himself. She had seen him in these states before, usually around the full moon, and she was nearly positive it had to do with his condition and was determined to figure it out.

That Saturday, Rowan entered Professor McGonagall's office to discuss her future as well. McGonagall scanned through her near-perfect records and stated, "Well, Ms. Delacroix, it appears that you have many options available to you. I suppose the best way to start would be to ask what you think you'd like to do after graduation."

Rowan considered her words carefully before declaring, "I was thinking about studying Potion Making."

Professor McGonagall raised an eyebrow at her. "That would be a suitable profession for someone of your abilities. No doubt Professor Slughorn would be proud. Have you researched the process for pursuing such a career?"

Nodding, Rowan answered, "I understand that I would have to seek an apprenticeship under a Potions Master and study under his tutelage for about three years before taking my certification exam with the Ministry."

The older woman peered down at Rowan. "That is correct. And just out of curiosity, may I ask what you wish you achieve in such a career?" she asked.

Rowan stayed silent for a moment, weighing her words. Finally, she countered with another question, "First, can you tell me what will happen to Remus after we graduate?"

This caught McGonagall's attention. She stared silently, mouth pulled taut in a serious line, scrutinizing the girl in front of her.

The two sat in tense silence for a moment before Rowan continued. "I know," she swallowed. "I know about Remus' condition." McGonagall eyed her wearily – did she see pity in her eyes? "Please, Professor, what is going to happen to him after we graduate?" Her voice held a tone of desperation.

McGonagall removed her glasses and rubbed her temples, eyes shut. When she opened them again, she responded slowly, "It is probably best that he tell you his own personal plans; however, I will say that the life of an individual with his condition is not an easy one. There are many prejudiced against people with his handicap, and he will most likely face harsh discrimination for the rest of his life, in the workplace and otherwise." She spoke slowly, sadly, and Rowan was filled with a sudden wave of grief for her friend. "Mr. Lupin is preparing for a very difficult road ahead."

The two women sat in silence again, and Rowan felt her fisted hands shake in anger and fear for Remus. She closed her eyes and willed herself to breathe, releasing the tension in her hands before looking back up to see McGonagall gazing at her with an indecipherable expression.

"You asked why I wanted to become a Potions Master, Professor." Rowan reminded the older woman.

McGonagall perked up yet again at Rowan's words and sat forward, listening attentively, hands folded on her desk. Rowan took a shaky breath. "I want to find a cure for lycanthropy," she declared.

The older woman peered down her nose at the girl in front of her, and after a long silence, the corners of her mouth twitched upward into a tight but gentle smile. "And I have no doubt that you will be successful," replied Professor McGonagall softly.

Rowan felt a surge of respect and warmth toward the older woman and looked at her with a fierce determination. "Thank you, Professor." As she got up to leave, she paused, remembering something.

"Professor, Remus doesn't know that I am aware of his condition."

Again, she took McGonagall for surprise, but she quickly collected her wits and responded, "I understand. I will keep this knowledge between us, though I should inform Professor Dumbledore. You understand."

Rowan nodded gratefully at her. And with that, she turned to make her way back to the Common Room.

* * *

On her walk back, Rowan sorted through her memories of Remus, scouring through her mind for the times when he might have shown an indication that he knew what lay in store for him after they left Hogwarts. She recalled his recent reclusiveness and suddenly missed him terribly.

How long had he been suffering from the weight of this? Did he ever confide in the Marauders – in his parents? She suddenly felt very heavy and overwhelmed with the need to see him. She walked faster towards the Gryffindor Common Room, and as she clambered through the Portrait Hole, she looked around to find him.

The Common Room was empty, though she supposed she couldn't be entirely surprised – it was uncharacteristically warm that afternoon for December, and she guessed that most people were out by the lake or enjoying the afternoon in Hogsmeade. She suddenly realized mournfully that Remus had most likely gone with James and the others to town and wouldn't be back until dinner. She sat down on the couch in front of the fire and curled up with her knees held to her chest, pushing down the urge to cry.

She was staring in a trance at the licking flames when she heard steps coming down the stairs from the boys' dorm, and she jerked her head up to see Remus standing in front of her, staring down at her disbelievingly. "You're still here," he said, eyebrows furrowed – it was more of a question than a statement.

Rowan didn't respond but just stared up at him as if she hadn't seen him for weeks and suddenly was struck by the deep set lines in his face, the gray streaks that already highlighted his hair, and the long scar that ran down the left side of his jaw. She searched for the words that she wanted to say to him - how much he meant to her, how very good he was, how he deserved _so much better_ - but repeatedly came up short. Finally, she jumped to her feet and threw her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest.

Remus was taken aback by the sudden affection and looked down at her in shock, though she kept her face muffled in his chest. He placed his hands on her shoulders tentatively. "Hey, is everything okay? Did something happen with McGonagall?" he asked gently, worry lacing in his words.

So gentle, so kind, she thought. It was so unfair. It was all so _unfair_, she mentally despaired. She clung to him desperately, and before she could stop herself, her body began to shake with sobs.

Remus was totally at a loss now. He held her awkwardly as she cried, standing with his arms around her shaking shoulders. He felt the hot bubbling of tears and muffled apologies against his chest, and though he wasn't sure why, he was suddenly overtaken with a rush of affection for this beautiful little girl. He held her tightly to him, and she gripped her fingers in the back of his jumper as if he could disappear at any moment.

Eventually, her sobs quieted, and he sat them on the couch, pushing her back gently so he could get a look at her face. Rowan groaned, embarrassed at her red and puffy eyes, covering herself with her hands. "No, don't look at me!" she moaned, and he laughed at her.

"Come on, Winnie, let me see you. You know I don't care about your cry-face," he chuckled fondly.

"But I do!" she cried, burying her face once again in her hands, desperately trying to peel her wild strands of hair from her tear-stained cheeks. "I can't believe I just did that. I don't even know why I'm crying!" she despaired.

"I'm going to tickle you again if you don't quit hiding in your jumper," he threatened her playfully, placing his hands on her waist menacingly.

Rowan let out a muffled shriek, awkwardly thrashing, trying to elbow off his grip on her while keeping her hands on her face. When his grip on her tightened and he began to tickle her, she screeched and her hands shot out to push at him.

He laughed at her flailing limbs and finally was able to lock her arms down by her sides. Her hair was a wild mess and her face was indeed blotchy and red from her crying, but the sight of her bright eyes glistening and her reddened cheeks filled him such a warmth that he had to stop himself from squeezing her again.

"Now, are you going to tell me what's wrong?" he asked patiently, taking his hands slowly off of her arms and reaching up to smooth out her riotous hair.

Her cheeks flushed again, but her gaze softened, and for a moment, he was horrified to see that her eyes welled up with tears again, but this time, they didn't fall. She just looked at him with a searching expression before wrapping her arms around him once again, slowly. He felt a tremor run through her but felt no tears. After she'd held her head against his chest for a moment, he heard her quietly whisper, "You're just so good, Remus - everything about you. You deserve everything."

He held her tightly against him and felt the ache of loneliness from the past few days simultaneously dissolve away and magnify as he clutched her to his chest. She always knew exactly what he wanted to hear, - how could he ever find the courage to push her away as he knew he must, as he had been trying to consider over the past few days in his solitude? Eventually, he felt the calm rise and fall of her chest, indicating that she'd fallen asleep and he looked down at her affectionately, noting her delicate features. His stomach fluttered as he watched her relaxed face nuzzle into his chest unconsciously, and his eyes began to droop downward as well, entranced by the rhythmic sound of her breathing. His last thoughts before he fell asleep ran along the lines of how lucky he was to have her as a friend and that she was more dangerous to him than a thousand full moons.


	9. Of Tangled Robes & Dark Desires

**A/N:** Thar be brooding. And the map! Please enjoy!

Thanks to all of you who have been following and reading! Please, oh, please, oh, pleeease leave me a review!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

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**Chapter 8: Of Tangled Robes and Dark Desires**

Rowan awoke to the sounds of catcalls.

She could hear distinct whistling and jeering, and she momentarily felt bad for what sorry soul was being laughed at now, but she was so very comfortable that moving to see what the fuss was about seemed ludicrous. The hard planes beneath her hands were so warm, and the smell – oh, the smell – filled her nostrils with such a calming, masculine scent that she felt that was could bury herself in it and never come out.

Wait, masculine?

She opened her eyes with a jolt but didn't move from her position, and as the light of the Common Room seared her face, she realized that the sorry soul was indeed she.

Well, she and Remus, at least – they were still on the couch of the Common Room, a mass of tangled arms and legs. Her face was pressed into the crook of his shoulder, and as she looked up at his face, she saw that he was still asleep and holding her very tightly.

"The princess awakes!" bellowed an obnoxious voice, and Rowan flinched, knowing that it was Sirius Black's.

Craning her head, she turned to see him leaning over the back of the couch, grinning maniacally at her. James stood beside him with a similar expression, and Peter stood at the end of the couch laughing nervously. A small crowd had gathered around them, and she felt her face redden, doubly so when she realized that her roommate Lacey Jones had flashed a camera at them and was now giggling in the corner with Mina, who was grinning at her deviously.

Rowan realized she needed to get out of there and fast. She tried to push herself off of Remus, but she was wedged between his body and the back of the couch and his grip on her was surprisingly tight for someone asleep.

"Remus!" she whispered, panicking. She pushed against his chest, shaking him when she couldn't release herself. "Remus, _wake up!" _she said louder. He groaned, face scrunching up in frustration, but finally, he removed one of his arms from his vice grip on her to reach up and rub his eyes. She took the opportunity to try to wriggle free but ended up slamming herself back on him with an ungraceful grunt after tangling herself in her robes.

The Marauders were even more riotous now, seeing the pair tangled in Rowan's robes. They cackled mercilessly at her, and James let out an annoying "Awwww!" at their predicament. Remus' face was contorted in confusion at the frenzy of movement and sudden light and noise and still looked very much disoriented, while Rowan was red in the face and trying desperately to break free of this terribly embarrassing situation.

After a few more moments of struggling and thrashing, Remus grabbed Rowan by the shoulders so firmly that she had no choice but to still. They locked eyes for a moment, and her face burned under his gaze.

Remus couldn't help the small, amused smile that formed on his lips at her disheveled state. Once again, she'd made a spectacle of herself, and he thought lightly to himself that he'd ever get tired of seeing her bashful expression. He quite liked the feeling of her pressed against him, and mentally congratulated himself on wearing a longer jumper that covered his lap so that no one could see the improper reactions his body was having. He looked down at her robes and carefully but quickly untangled them from her legs. She held her breath, cheeks still on fire, as he, once again, made order of her mess and shivered lightly as his long fingers brushed against her thigh, hoping that he wouldn't notice her reaction to his touch.

Finally, they were free, and Rowan jumped away from the couch, tripping lightly over her own feet and landing on her rear at the other end of the couch by Peter. He laughed at her and she glared up at him, effectively silencing him. Remus sat in the same place, still looking a little confused and suddenly missing the pressure and warmth of her body on his. He sighed and craned his neck around the room to finally assess the audience that had gathered.

"Awww…" James whined again, now mourning the loss of his entertainment. "But you guys were so cute!" He looked over to the corner. "Hey, Jones!" he called. Lacey Jones jumped at his voice and blushed bright red at his attention, and Rowan had to stop herself from rolling her eyes at James' effect on the girl. "I want a copy of that photo!"

"Me too!" called Sirius, grinning still.

Rowan glared at the two of them and then turned toward Lacey. "Lacey, if you give out a single copy of that photo, I will leave dungbombs in your bed!" she threatened dangerously.

Lacey, a rather plain and mousy-haired girl, had never received so much attention in her life, let alone from three of the most popular individuals at Hogwarts. She looked overwhelmed and visibly torn between the temptation of pleasing the two best-looking boys in their year and the fear of suffering Rowan's wrath. The stress of the situation took its toll on her, and she couldn't seem to form the words to respond to either party. Eventually, Mina took pity on her and spoke up on her behalf, "No photos for you, Black! Merlin knows what dirty things you'd do with them."

Sirius looked a mixture of joy that Mina had addressed him on her own accord and frustration that he wasn't getting a photo, and he, too, was rendered speechless. Mina smirked at him in triumph before grabbing Lacey's hand and dragging her up the stairway to the girls' dorms, leaving Sirius looking dumbstruck and James disappointed.

The crowd finally began to disperse, and Rowan looked toward Remus, who had finally sat up but still looked slightly confused, frowning at the fireplace. She heard a rumble and realized that it was her own stomach. Remus looked over at her and smiled. "Hungry?" he asked mildly.

She replied with a bashful grin. "Starving."

"Too bad you two missed dinner," James said, yawning and stretching his arms over his head. "We were wondering where you two were, but I must say that this was much better than I'd expected," he added cheekily.

Rowan groaned and clutched her stomach, which was growling more loudly now. "But dinner!" she whined. She turned to James quickly. "Potter, give me the map," she demanded.

He looked at her slightly affronted. "What? Why?" he asked.

She rolled her eyes again. "Because I want to go to the kitchens, of course. Now give me the map!"

James groaned dramatically but reached into his back pocket to pull out the old piece of parchment, handing it to her. "Just don't lose it, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," she said, sticking her tongue out at him. She turned to Remus. "Hungry?" she asked with a smile, echoing his previous question.

"Starving," he grinned, standing up to follow her out the Portrait Hole.

* * *

Arm in arm again, Rowan and Remus walked down the dark corridors towards the kitchens. He held the Marauders' Map and she held her wand over the map so that they could read it, carefully maneuvering through the dark to avoid any patrolling teachers. Luckily, it seemed that it was Professor Slughorn's night to patrol, and even if they were to run into him - which was unlikely since he commonly skipped out on his responsibilities - she knew she could most likely talk their way out of a detention. This left Peeves, Filch and Mrs. Norris, however, and Rowan mentally swore anytime she saw that damned cat's name on the map. Fortunately for them, she appeared to be in the Potions dungeons with Filch, and Peeves was bouncing around the Astronomy Tower.

The two walked in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Rowan was still feeling embarrassed about her emotional outburst earlier that afternoon. _Really,_ she thought to herself, _if you keep behaving so emotionally around him like this, he's going to start thinking you've lost it._ Her conversation with Professor McGonagall was still echoing through her head, and she was racking her brain with subtle ways to approach the subject with Remus, but every strategy would have to involve admitting or at least hinting that she knew his secret, and she wasn't sure if either of them were ready to acknowledge that. She could just nonchalantly ask him about his meeting with McGonagall and act as if she didn't have a clue, but knowingly forcing him to talk about something that was clearly uncomfortable would be cruel, and the last thing she wanted was to hurt him further.

She had to admit that the weight of keeping her knowledge to herself was starting to wear down on her. Admitting to McGonagall that she was aware of Remus' condition earlier had felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest, but it still wasn't enough. She was scared that she would slip up soon - say something that implied something she wasn't supposed to know - and the thought of unintentionally hurting him terrified her. But at the same time, she wanted desperately to tell him. She hated herself for so selfishly wanting him to acknowledge her as a worthy confidant, but the thought of being closer to him, of having the privilege of sharing knowing looks with him, was almost too tempting to deny.

However, Remus wasn't stupid. There was a sickening suspicion in his gut that told him that Rowan knew. _She knows. She knows!_ his mind kept screaming at him. But how could she know? The Marauders would've said something to him if they'd accidentally let it slip to her, and he'd certainly never said anything. He had no illusions as to her intelligence though – there was always the chance that she'd simply figured it out on her own. His stomach lurched again – _but what if she _had_ figured it out on her own?_ That would mean that she'd been keeping it to herself for Merlin knows how long without saying anything. He couldn't decide if this was a good or bad thing. The temptation of telling her, confessing all of his fears and terrible doubts to her, was killing him because he knew she'd accept all of it. She'd catch all of his insecurities with open arms, but once he crossed that line, there was no going back. She wasn't the kind of person who would just accept it willingly. She would hurt for him and insist on carrying the weight with him, and the thought of letting her shoulder such a burden made his chest ache with guilt.

But a dark part of him _wanted_ her to know, and he hated the voice at the back of his mind that whispered inky tendrils, which reached out from the darkest recesses of his psyche to her. His inner wolf was begging to know her, and it was growing more and more difficult to control his urges to touch her, to make her know all of him.

Finally, they reached the Pear. She reached up to tickle its side, giggling along with it. He suddenly felt immensely guilty looking at such an innocent gesture after wallowing in his darker thoughts and mentally shook himself to rid himself of such ideas. He opened the door and let her in first, taking a breath before following her through the passageway.


	10. Of Soup, Strong Tea & Determination

**A/N:** SHIT GETS SERIOUS.

PLEASE LEAVE ME A REVIEWW!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

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**Chapter 10: Of Soup, Strong Tea, and Determination**

"Dotty? Remmy!" Rowan called out as they reached the huge kitchens.

A small House Elf with large crooked ears and small upturned nose appeared, decked out in a white tea towel appeared around the corner. Rowan was tempted to say that she had a pretty face. "Miss Rowan Delacroix! What a pleasure it is! A pleasure! What can Dotty get for you, Miss?

"Hi, Dotty," Rowan responded fondly. "I was wondering if you all had any French onion soup left over from dinner, and maybe some bread and tea?" She turned to Remus. "Is that okay with you?" she asked.

"Sounds great," he smiled, his stomach gurgling at the thought.

Dotty squeaked and ran off to fetch their dinners. The two pulled a pair of seats up to the end of one of the long tables and sat quietly, each assessing the high ceilings and great space.

"You know, no matter how long I've been here, this place still renders me speechless sometimes," Rowan said dreamily. "I don't know how I'll ever be able to leave this place. I can't imagine living any other way."

Remus looked over at her fondly. She had her hands flat on the tabletop, arms stretched out in front of her with her neck craning to stare at the structure work of the high ceilings. He admired the delicate lines of her jaw and throat and wondered how he'd be able to leave her and all of this behind in a couple of years. He turned his head upwards as well before responding back softly, "Yeah, I've been thinking the same thing recently."

She looked over at him, chewing her lip with a worried expression. Remus met her gaze and smile amusedly at her. "Rowan, your gears are showing," he teased. She pouted back at him. He grinned and continued, "Why don't you just ask me what you were thinking?"

Rowan paused before deciding to speak, "I was wondering where you've been these past few days. It's been quite frustrating dealing with Sirius and James without you."

For a moment, she kicked herself for mentioning it, as she could immediately see on his face that he was withdrawing again, but he stopped and sighed. "I've just been worried about what comes next. All of this talk of O.W.L.s and the war…" he trailed off for a moment. "It's maddening. I just… I just needed some time to consider my next steps. Those two are usually so loud that I can't even hear my own thoughts around them," he joked. "I just needed some quiet. I'm sorry if I worried you."

She nodded, "Yeah, I understand. It was pretty overwhelming to see them earlier after this afternoon. I guess it's easy to be like that when you don't have to worry about your future plans." She grimaced. "I suppose I should apologize for weeping all over you like some lunatic earlier. I guess the stress of everything has gotten to me, too."

"Are you worried?" he asked, surprised.

"Of course, I am," she responded, now staring down at her hands. "I mean, I know that logically I'll probably be fine, but I don't know…" she trailed off. "I'm scared of leaving this place. Things outside of Hogwarts are so frightening, especially now with the war that's going on. I'm scared of facing what's out there, of losing all of you, of being alone." She suddenly seemed so much older than 15. "James and Sirius are so sure that they're going to fight, and I want to, too, but…"

"You're scared," Remus finished for her.

Rowan looked up at him, and he saw so many tones of fear in her face and an indescribable fire in her eyes. They were such a warm amber – how had he never noticed before? He felt overwhelmed by her heat.

"But I've decided already," she continued determinedly, "That it's worth it. What good will it do to stand by while my friends are fighting for what's right? I'd never be able to live with myself if they got hurt while I was hiding because I was too scared to fight. As soon as we leave this place, I'm joining Dumbledore's army with James and Sirius. I'm going to fight." She looked at him desperately, questioningly. _What will you do?_

Before she could voice her burning question, Dotty and another House Elf that Rowan identified as Remmy appeared before them with two large bowls of steaming soup, large chunks of French bread, two mugs of Earl Grey tea, and a huge slice of strawberry cake.

"Dotty remembered that you like this cake, Miss, so she brought you the last slice!" she squeaked at Rowan. "Also, Dotty knows that Miss Rowan has much homework, what with her exams and all this year, so Dotty brewed you and the Mister Remus some strong tea!"

Rowan cried out happily, "Oh, Dotty! Thank you! You're the best! Thank you so much!"

Dotty seemed to grow a couple of inches with Rowan's praise, beaming toothily at Rowan and Remus before scurrying away with Remmy.

The two tucked into their meals with gusto, both ravenous from the emotions of the afternoon. The two remained silent, finishing their soup and bread and even the cake before speaking again, both clutching their hot mugs of tea.

"So besides fight in the war, what will you do?" he finally asked, breaking the silence.

Rowan glanced over at him, thinking carefully before answering, "I want to be a Potions Master," she responded measuredly.

He considered this for a moment, and it made sense. He was always amazed at Rowan's unusual talent for Potions, intuitively just knowing what worked and what didn't, as opposed to his rather pathetic attempts at even a few basic potions. She often experimented with her formulas in class, and Professor Slughorn was never short on praise for her. Their classmates enjoyed Potions a little more than they would have otherwise because she often collected a handful of House Points for them every lesson, and it was always fun to see the Slytherins beaten in the class taught by their own Head of House. She and Severus Snape had a fierce academic rivalry, and Remus was very proud to say that she usually came out on top.

"Do you want to teach or like open an apothecary?" he asked.

She shook her head, "I'm not sure yet. I think teaching would be interesting, but I want to do research. There are so many cures and antidotes that I'm sure I can uncover with a little time and funding. I can…" she trailed off.

Remus felt his throat constrict for a moment before swallowing it down. She was looking into her tea with an intensity that she usually reserved for their Potions lessons. He looked down at his own and realized that he'd already finished his. He pushed his mug away and looked back at her. She was still staring down at her mug, then raised it and downed the rest of its contents in one gulp before standing from her seat.

"We should head back. It's getting late, and I'd like to get started on our DADA reading tonight," she said, turning to look at him. The fierce look in her eyes was still there, and Remus thought that he might burn up under her gaze. She picked up the Marauders' Map from the table and handed it to him, then surprised him by grabbing his hand and lacing her fingers through his. She kept her gaze downward, staring at their joined hands before looking back up at him, the gentlest smile he'd ever seen playing on her lips, and he was struck by an urge to lean forward and press his own against them.

But he just smiled back at her, willing all of his thoughts to somehow reach her, and turned, leading them back out into the dark corridors.

* * *

They walked silently, just as they had before. The night was chilly with winter, but the feeling of her small fingers laced between his own seared through his skin and into his very blood. He engrained the sensation into his brain – when would he ever have the privilege of holding her hand like this again? He squeezed her hand experimentally, and she squeezed back but didn't release the pressure, and he wanted to believe that she leaned a little closer to him, that he wasn't just imagining it.

When they reached the Fat Lady, Remus quietly mourned when Rowan released his hand from hers to climb in through the Portrait Hole, but once they emerged into the warm light of the empty Common Room, she took both of his hands in hers and peered up at him, chin raised and eyes blazing again. The light of the fireplace danced in her eyes, and he truly thought that he might burst into flames.

She stared at him searchingly, before speaking lowly, fiercely to him, "I'm going to release you from this one day, Remus, because you deserve everything."

Remus felt the floor slip away beneath him. He could feel his heartbeat pounding in his head, and the sight of the fire in Rowan's eyes scorched his face, his ability to speak.

_She knew_.

Rowan saw his face pale, and a cold fear washed over her, but she held fast and onto him. They stood in silence for a short eternity before Rowan let go of his hands. She took a step back from him, eyes dropping to his feet before looking back at face . He was still and silent like a statue, staring blankly at her. She felt a sharp pain of hurt at his lack of response, regret for letting herself be known to him, but she'd made her decision, and whether he accepted it or not, she was resolute in her path. She looked at him determinedly, with an expression that was almost a smile, and turned, leaving him standing in the Common Room as she walked up to the girls' dorm without looking back.


	11. Of Anger, Prejudice & Convictions

**A/N:** Do you guys not like it…? I haven't really heard from anyone… Review…?

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

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**Chapter 11: Of Anger, Prejudice, and Convictions**

The two weeks after that Saturday night passed quickly. Hogwarts only had a few days left before the end of classes for the holidays, and a blanket of snow had fallen around the castle. All of the Marauders were heading home to see their families with the intention of returning early to celebrate together on New Year's Eve, and Rowan was secretly dreading both leaving the school to see her parents and coming back to see Remus.

She and Remus hadn't spoken since that night of revelations. He seemed to have withdrawn back into his dark brooding space, and she made no efforts to seek him out, assuming that he'd find her when he was ready to talk again. The other three boys watched the pair from a distance, afraid to broach the topic with either of them but desperately wanting to know what had transpired between them that night. Remus made no active move to avoid the Marauders, but he was obviously not really present. He had spent much of the remaining couple of weeks before the holiday studying in the library, tutoring the First Years, and decorating the castle with the other Prefects, and when he wasn't busy, he seemed to be in a dark haze that the others didn't dare breach.

Rowan analyzed their late night together countless times, trying to figure out why she'd decided to reveal her secret to Remus. She tossed and turned late at night kicking herself mentally for putting him on the spot like that, but she had to accept that she couldn't take it back now.

There was a war going on, and even if she still had two and half years left at Hogwarts, she had made the decision to be stronger and act with conviction. Her choices were going to put her in danger – she was sure she'd have Death Eater enemies in her Slytherin peers even before they graduated [she might already. After all, wasn't Rabastan Lestrange already seventeen?] – so she might as well embrace it and work as hard as she could along the way, including in her career.

A flame had been lit inside of her ever since her meeting with Professor McGonagall, and the thought of Remus' future being chosen for him because of a condition he had no control over burned in Rowan's blood. She _would _find a cure for lycanthropy, even if it took her years, even if she was put in danger for her convictions. Remus Lupin was her best friend, and she wanted him to know that he deserved everything the world had to offer.

_Even if he hated her for it. _

* * *

In her quiet avoidance, Rowan had taken to spending time with Lily Evans and Mina Surrey. She spent her evenings studying in the library with Mina and ate breakfast with the red-haired Prefect early in the mornings as to avoid making excuses for why she wasn't sitting with the Marauders. Sometimes, Mina would join them, though she was often unresponsive due to being bad at early mornings. Their conversations had been turning darker after a spree of murders, and they quietly discussed their plans for after graduation. Rowan was surprised at how easy it was to open up to Lily, who had such a natural warm confidence that she felt braver just through association.

"Have you heard about the Privy family?" Lily asked one morning over her toast.

Rowan nodded grimly, "Yeah, it's frightening. I feel so terrible for Carla."

Carla Privy, a quiet Ravenclaw Fourth Year, had been called home the night before with news that her father had been found murdered a few blocks from their home with the Dark Mark floating above his body. He was a Muggle.

Rowan feared for Mina and Lily, who were also Muggle-borns, and everyday she woke up praying that there would be good news in the paper, though there rarely was. "Are you afraid?" she asked carefully.

Lily's parents had both passed away the year before in a tragic car accident, and she knew that she cared very much for her older sister Petunia, though their relationship was strained. Lily's mouth was pursed tightly in a way that Rowan had identified with her thinking. "Yes, I am, obviously so," she said lowly, "but I think I'm too angry to truly be afraid for myself. I'm sure I can talk to Professor Dumbledore to get Petunia into hiding, but I…" she trailed off for a moment. "I'm just so _angry_, Rowan. Angry at the Ministry's inability to protect my family and angry at the idea that there are people out there who are so terrible and ignorant that they believe in such a thing as blood purity," she spat.

Hair bristling, Lily was quite a sight to behold. Her eyes were flashing with contained rage and her cheeks were tinged pink with heat. Rowan took a moment to admire her.

"Are you going to fight after we leave Hogwarts? Have you been following the rumors about Dumbledore's army?" Rowan asked the red-haired girl. Lily looked up at her and nodded her head fiercely.

"Yes, I decided a long time ago that I was going to fight. I'm going to talk to Dumbledore as soon as I turn seventeen," she whispered fiercely. Her face suddenly became less sure, facing Rowan. "Would you ever consider it?"

Rowan looked down at her plate cautiously, "I've been thinking about it for a while now, actually, and to be quite honest, I'm terrified." She looked up at Lily almost ashamedly, who was looking at her, hanging on her every word. "I'm not as brave as I pretend to be, not like you or James and Sirius." She paused then seemed to gather her courage up. "But I decided recently that it'd be better to die fighting alongside my friends than watch them die by the sidelines because I was too afraid." Her eyes burned into Lily's and the fire between them was almost palpable. "I have to fight or I'll never be able to face you or my mates in clean conscience again. And besides, I can't let you have all the glory, right?" she grinned slowly.

Lily beamed at her, eyes blazing, and they shared a silent moment of warm affection before hearing the clearing of a throat.

The two girls looked up to see Leith Bagman staring down at them.

"Hey, Evans. Delacroix, could I have a word?" he asked with a charming smile.

Rowan looked apologetically to Lily, who nodded to her before turning back to the Daily Prophet. Rowan followed Leith down the table away from Lily where there were no students and asked, "Have you given it any thought? We won't have another Hogsmeade trip till after the holiday, but my invitation is still open." His face was hopeful, and Rowan felt a pang of guilt – she'd completely forgotten about Leith Bagman in the wake of recent events.

Rowan assessed Leith carefully. He was tall, blonde, and well built with rosy cheeks that most girls would kill for, kind blue eyes and blonde curls. She supposed that most girls would say yes – he was like a character from a childhood picture book. But as she looked at him, she peered past him and saw Remus entering the Great Hall. The lines beneath his eyes were apparent even from a distance. She knew that standing next to Leith, he would look gaunt and maybe even frail, but as he smiled warmly at a fellow Prefect at the Ravenclaw table, she knew what her answer was. They locked eyes for a moment, and his face suddenly had that shocked blank look that he'd given her that night in the Common Room. She tore her eyes from his and looked back up to Leith's face to see him waiting expectantly, a friendly smile on his face.

"Thank you, Leith, but I don't think it's a good idea. I appreciate the offer though," she said apologetically. He took in her words before nodding slowly, amicably.

"That's okay. I had a feeling," he said, rubbing a broad hand against his muscular neck. "Is there someone else that you're interested in? Just curious."

She kept her eyes locked on Leith's face, forcing herself not to look at Remus again, who had very nearly reached them. Rowan smiled sadly and nodded, "Yeah, there is."

* * *

Remus sat down at the Gryffindor table after seeing Rowan and Leith part ways. He felt the same flare of jealousy that he'd experienced the first time Leith had grabbed Rowan's hand all those weeks ago, but it was tempered by the apologetic look on Rowan's face. That dark voice inside him howled in triumph when he saw that expression – she had turned him down.

But what claim did he have over her? He frowned. He had never made a move to indicate to her that he wanted anything more than her friendship. _Did_ he want more? His frown deepened. It would be the highest form of denial to try to kid himself at this point. Of course, he wanted more from her. The realization was terrifying.

But she knew. _She knew_.

He groaned internally. He'd been avoiding her for nearly a week and a half now, but no matter how many times he thought about it, his stomach still lurched violently at the knowledge that she knew what he was.

But he couldn't deny that the look on her face that day hadn't been one of pity. She'd cried for him, yes, but there was a fire in her that he'd never seen on his parents' or mates' faces when they discussed his condition. It was all defiance and heat – he still felt his face burn when he remembered the blazing look in her eyes, and his inner wolf responded to it fiercely.

She said she wanted to find a cure for his lycanthropy. His head pounded with the possibilities. A cure – he'd never even considered that possible. He'd resigned himself at a young age to the fact that he'd have to scrounge for the rest of his life at the coat tails of the more fortunate. But _a cure!_ If anyone was capable of discovering a cure for his condition, it was she. He was sure of it. But how many years would it take? She'd have to undergo training beneath a Potions Master first, and with the war going on outside, who knew how long it would take? And there were certainly people who would judge her for her associations with werewolves. There were people who would hate her for it. Could he really allow her to go through all of that for him?

But he knew she'd never accept any of his reasoning. She seemed set on it, and once she got an idea in her head, it was difficult to convince her otherwise. She certainly had the talent for it. She probably had more talent in Potion Making than Slughorn, Snape, and the entire Hogwarts faculty combined! Surely, he shouldn't rob the rest of the lycanthrope community from the chance of being cured because he wanted to save this one girl from his sad fate!

He groaned again and looked down the table to where Rowan and Lily were seated, heads close together with grins on their faces. When did they become so close? He saw Rowan gesturing wildly, no doubt telling a story, and Lily laughed freely at Rowan's absurd faces. She was facing away from him, but he could imagine exactly the way her face would contort at certain parts of her stories and which voices she would use for specific people. Lily caught Remus' gaze and discreetly smiled at him knowingly before turning her eyes back to Rowan. Remus felt his cheeks flush, looking down at his Charms book in front of him. It wasn't until the two girls got up to leave that he felt comfortable enough to look back up, just in time to catch Rowan glancing down at him as she passed, smiling quietly before turning away and walking out of the Great Hall.


	12. Of Brothers, Parents & Settling

**A/N:** Rowan covets a little brother, and we start to see a tiny glimpse into her home life, though I'll go into that in more detail in the next chapter. **PLEEEEEASE REVIEW! I really have no idea how you all feel about this story unless you REVIEW!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

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**Chapter 12: Of Little Brothers, Old Parents, and Settling**

A part of Remus wanted to talk to Rowan before he left for the Christmas holiday while another still wanted to hide in a ditch somewhere, but after that morning in the Great Hall, it seemed like he couldn't get a moment alone with her. He saw her in their last few lessons sitting in the front with either Mina or Lily, but her presence was noticeably missing from the Common Room, and she seemed to always be leaving the Great Hall when he was coming and vice versa.

He wasn't exactly sure what he'd say to Rowan once he got her alone, and the realization of his less-than-platonic feelings for her didn't make it any easier. His stomach churned each time he saw her head move even remotely in his direction, and he was suddenly extremely aware of which boys she spoke to and for how long. He dully ached for her bright presence, and he couldn't seem to get anything right in Potions without her there helping him along the way – the Thursday before the holiday, his cauldron erupted in his face, leaving him coughing up purple smoke for the rest of class. The Marauders made sure to laugh loudly at his expense, and although he was annoyed at their derision, the giggle he heard coming from Rowan made it almost worth it.

Unfortunately, he left without being able to apologize to her, but James insisted that she had agreed to return to the castle early like their original plan, so he figured he'd have to suck it up until then. At least then he wouldn't have to compete for her attention with school, her younger pupils, and the other boys in their year, he thought bitterly.

* * *

Rowan spent the ride back to London in a compartment with Lily, Mina, and a few other Gryffindor girls from their year. Lily was chatting animatedly with the others, while Mina and Rowan sat opposite of each other next to the window, neither very good at small talk. Rowan was thinking about how much more exciting the ride with the Marauders must be, while Mina also appeared to be lost in thought.

"Got anything interesting planned for the holiday?" asked Rowan, breaking herself from her brooding. Mina seemed to snap awake from her daydream and looked at Rowan.

"Oh, no, not really. My family usually goes to see my little brother's school's Christmas play, but that's about it - just typical Muggle Christmas stuff. How about you?"

"My family usually spends some time with the Potters. I guess James is the closest thing I have to a little brother," Rowan said seriously.

Mina raised an eyebrow, "Isn't he older than you?"

"Yeah," Rowan nodded. The two girls grinned and shared a small laugh.

"Well, that sounds like fun. Christmas in the magical world sounds interesting," Mina said.

"Hm, I suppose so. I've never had a Muggle Christmas though, so I have nothing to compare it to," admitted Rowan. "You're welcome to join me for Christmas next year if you'd like," she offered.

"You know, I just might," grinned Mina. "And the same offer goes to you, of course."

"You have a little brother then? How old is he?" Rowan asked curiously. She didn't have any siblings, but she'd been told by both James and Sirius that she had a bad case of older-sibling syndrome, much to their annoyance. The thought of having a younger sibling to look up to her was appealing, and she certainly enjoyed mentoring the underclassmen at Hogwarts. She suddenly wished she had someone like that to come home to.

"Yeah, little wee William. He's nine. Mum and Dad obviously weren't being careful," she grinned.

Rowan laughed. "Is he showing any signs of magic like you?" she asked.

Mina smiled almost ruefully. "Yeah, unfortunately for my parents. He's already learned how to control it a bit, and my parents are both Muggles so they have no idea how to deal with it. I at least _tried_ to keep it a secret. He's caused so much trouble at school already. Luckily, no one's caught on yet, but Mum is terrified that someone will notice or a Ministry official will show up and cart him off to Azkaban," she said exasperatedly.

Rowan laughed heartily then sighed. "Man, I wish I had a little brother. He must be so much fun to fuck around with. He definitely sounds like he'll be a Gryffindor."

"Yeah," Mina agreed with a grin. "Luckily, I'll get a year with him before we graduate. It's pretty funny to go home and show him all my books and schoolwork. He's particularly into my DADA stuff. He's already trying to duel our dog."

Rowan grinned. Now she really wanted a little brother. Her smile faded a little. Her mother probably would have wanted another child, too.

"What's your family like?" Mina asked.

"Hmm… they're old," Rowan responded.

Mina raised an eyebrow again, "Old?"

Rowan nodded. "Yeah, they're one of those typical well-to-do Pureblood families from old money that waited to have children for a long time. It's pretty common in the older families." She paused to think for a moment. "I think it's because our fathers generally go into Ministry professions that require a lot of time and energy so by the time they're at a comfortable enough point to have children, they're at least forty, sometimes even fifty, like mine and James' parents."

Mina's eyes were wide. "Wow, I had no idea that was a common thing."

Rowan nodded again, "Yeah, it's weird. There are lots of couples who marry right out of Hogwarts when they're like eighteen, nineteen, and then there's the opposite case like my parents."

The two sat in silence for the rest of the ride, both caught up in their own thoughts again. All their talk of family put Rowan in a somber mood. She felt terribly guilty about it, but she really didn't want to see her parents, especially her father, and the idea of spending the next two weeks with them put a damper on her already low spirits.

She had continued to avoid Remus, though there were moments when she thought she saw him looking for her. She was probably just imagining it, though. All the running away was quite tiring, however. As much as she enjoyed breakfast with Lily, she was a natural night owl and struggled to wake up that early everyday, and though time in the library with Mina was productive, she missed her afternoons with Remus there, stealing tentative glances at him when he was focused on his reading, mouth relaxed and long scarred fingers tangled in his own hair.

It was quite pathetic, really. How long had she been so head over heels for Remus Lupin? She knew it started at the beginning of their Fourth Year, but she couldn't pinpoint a specific look or moment – she simply just knew one day that she wanted to be with him. He was certainly handsome in his own unique way, but he definitely wasn't the best-looking boy in their year. Sirius' dark looks or James' roguish charms were much more appealing, she thought objectively. And Robert Davies from Ravenclaw looked like a character from a Muggle film with his chiseled jaw and sweeping brown hair. But no matter how she looked at it, she knew that none of them could hold a light to Remus in her eyes.

She sighed. Of course, she had to fall for the most untouchable boy in school. Not only did his condition put her at a disadvantage, but his gentle nature and heavy sense of responsibility would never allow him to be with anyone, let alone her. He'd made it clear through several conversations over the past couple of years that he simply didn't consider dating an option – he'd certainly made it a point by turning down several girls, much to Rowan's delight and chagrin, including one Hufflepuff Third Year this year already.

And even if he weren't caught up in his state of martyrdom, why would he even consider her an option? She was crude and rough, both in terms of appearance and personality. She swore too much, and her hair was always a mess. The only thing she had going for her was her IQ and sense of humor – and even that was rough and boyish. She really should just accept that he would never see her as more than a friend.

Really, she should be grateful that he considered her his friend at all! He had James, Sirius, and Peter, and yet he specifically called her his _best_ friend. How lucky was she to have earned the respect and affection of such a strong character. But now, she'd gone and fucked it all up by forcing her selfishness on him when he already had so many things to worry about. The guilt that she'd repeatedly felt over the past couple of weeks washed over her again, and she just hoped that he'd find it in himself to forgive her.

As Rowan stared out the window at the passing scenery, she wondered if Remus was also looking out the window and thinking about her, and her chest ached knowing that he wasn't.

* * *

As Remus got off the Hogwarts Express, he immediately caught himself scanning the crowd for a sign of Rowan, but to no avail. He sighed, disappointed. He'd spent the entire trip nodding absentmindedly to whatever questions the other Marauders posed to him, but his mind had been fixated on Rowan.

He caught sight of his parents, both of whom were waving at him from a distant column, his mother bouncing up and down. He hauled his bags over his shoulder and trudged over to them, hugging his father briefly before embracing his mother tightly. He'd grown apparently since the summer – he seemed to be another couple of inches taller than this increasingly tiny woman since the last time he saw her.

"Remus," his father said warmly, "How did it go this month?" he asked lowly.

Remus smiled. "It was fine, Dad. Nothing new." Lyall Lupin smiled in relief at him before taking one of Remus' bags and clapped a hand on his shoulder, which was nearly level with his own. His mother clasped a hand to his father's forearm, and Remus was suddenly reminded of the way Rowan linked her arm with his.

As he looked up again, he saw a long mess of dark hair out of the corner of his eye and immediately identified it as Rowan's. He craned his neck to see her better in the distance and saw her at the next column over, speaking in low tones to a handsome older man with gray hair in a distinguished suit that he recognized as her father from a few photos she'd shown him in the past of her family. He could see her stiff movements and realized that he'd never seen her with her parents in all the years that they'd been coming and going from the same platform together. Usually, she either came alone or with a lanky manservant in dark tailored dress robes. He noted that she acted much more at ease with the servant than this man, though he spoke to her with an easy smile and an affectionate gaze. He wondered why he'd never thought to ask her more about her family, though he couldn't remember a time when she spoke ill or uncomfortably about them.

As his parents began to move towards the exit, he desperately wanted to call out to her, and as if feeling his gaze on her, she looked up and saw him. His throat constricted at her wide-eyed stare, but then her gaze softened, and a warm smile spread across her lips, and Remus thought his heart would burst from his chest. He smiled back at her questioningly, longingly, and she made a gesture that said that she'd write to him. He nodded, and his smile broke out into a goofy grin. He saw her laugh at him in response, waving him off. He smiled once more at her and then took off after his parents, feeling much more hopeful about his Christmas holidays and eager for her impending owl.


	13. Of Listening, Accidents & Endurance

**A/N:** Wow, my viewer numbers have increased! I can't express the feeling I get when I come back to my profile and see that more people are reading ^^ it's like being kissed for the first time **sigh** Thank you so much to everyone who's been following, favoriting, or just lurking. Please keep reading and **REVIEW!**

A slower chapter in which Rowan ponders family life…

**Disclaimer:** J.K. Rowling is a genius and even my story belongs to her T_T

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**Chapter 13: Of Listening, Accidents, and Endurance**

Rowan sat in the large dining room of her family's home with her mother, snapping peas for supper and listening to her complain about her father. She sighed. Carole Delacroix was a physically frail but strong-willed woman, and despite her weak appearance, Rowan cringed at the thought of angering her. She was still very beautiful for her age with defined cheekbones and thick peppery hair that she kept in a shoulder-length bob. She was once again complaining about her husband's obsessive spending.

"I mean, really, Dwarven silver _faucets?_ Why would I want that? I swear, your father never pays attention to _anything_ I say. It's as if he hasn't been listening to a word I've said in the all years we've been married," she complained.

Rowan grimaced. Her mother had a point. Richard Delacroix always seemed to give the gifts that he thought were the most impressive or valuable rather than what the gift receiver would actually want or appreciate. He was a poor listener in general, and Rowan had long given up on expecting him to remember anything she told him, unless it was related to her marks at Hogwarts. She often had waking nightmares about marrying a man like her father and realizing twenty years into their marriage that he knew nothing about her at all and that she was, in fact, totally alone.

Richard Delacroix married then Carole Marnier about seven years after she graduated from Hogwarts. He was about four years older and was well on his way to becoming the head of the International Office of Law at the Ministry of Magic. He proposed to her with the promise of a family of happy children and security, and she readily accepted. She'd fallen in love with his strong shoulders and confident charm, and he'd been taken by her graceful figure and fiery personality, for he'd need a strong woman to support him in his long illustrious career at the Ministry. She also came from an old Pureblood lineage and had been the brightest student of her year at Hogwarts. As far as anyone was concerned, they were perfect for each other.

Carole spent the first five years of their marriage on Richard's arm, shaking hands with dignitaries from this country and that, smiling proudly at her husband who quickly rose through the ranks. He insisted that he would provide for them – there was no need for her to work – so she busied herself with creating a beautiful home for them and working with various charities.

But Carole began to find it all very empty. She was a brilliant woman with plenty of potential for great things, and though opportunities for women in the workplace were not great then, she could have found her niche somewhere. Five years turned into ten, and ten turned to fifteen, and she soon found her hair turning gray but was still without a child.

And how she wanted a child. She had no career, no accomplishments to feel proud of, and she desperately wanted something to care for, to call her own. She woke up one day after fifteen years of marriage and realized that she had given up her entire life for a man who had promised her a family, but she was more alone than ever.

Then one day while out shopping, there was an accident.

The car driver had been waving at a local shopkeeper when he ran a red light and ran over Carole. Her pelvis shattered, and her right leg had been dragged a few feet under the tires. The Healers said she was fortunate to be alive at all. She was bedridden for months while they grew her bones back properly, and then it took nearly another year for her to learn to walk properly again. Bones could grow back quickly, but ego, muscles and tendons took time.

Richard was beside himself with grief, for he still loved his wife despite his negligence, and he promised her that they would start a family as soon as she got better. Carole began to think that perhaps the accident was a blessing in disguise.

And perhaps it was partially a blessing, but it also brought her more grief. Carole suffered from a miscarriage the first time they conceived – that had been a painful time to say the least. But finally, she gave birth to a beautiful little girl, though soon after her birth, the Healers informed Carole that her body would be physically incapable of supporting another child.

But Richard was satisfied, and she finally had her child, her beautiful daughter, who looked more and more like her with everyday that passed. The first few years were blissful. Richard was attentive, and Rowan was the brightest baby she'd ever seen. She spent her afternoons imagining what a beautiful woman she'd grow to be and often lost herself for hours just watching her face while she slept. She was finally happy. But as the years passed and Rowan got older, Richard's attention turned back to work, and once again, she found herself going to bed alone every night.

So Carole poured all of her energy into Rowan. She made sure that her daughter was always the best dressed out of the children in her playgroups and that she played multiple instruments. She hired tutors to teach her both French and German, and when she began showing signs of magic, she immediately began to tutor her herself, overjoyed when she showed talent in nearly everything she set her mind to. Carole loved Rowan to the point of obsession, and she was determined to move the sun and moon to ensure that she achieved anything she wanted. She was determined to ensure that Rowan didn't end up like _her._

Carole didn't say as much so explicitly to Rowan – the last thing she wanted was to burden her daughter with her own tragic thoughts – but Rowan knew. From the rare moments that her mother's walls broke down, she had gathered enough pieces to put together the basic workings behind her often manic devotion to her. She had been buckling under the weight of her loneliness and her mask slipped more and more as Rowan got older.

The guilt Rowan felt was immense, to say the least. She worked very hard – half for herself and half out of obligation towards her mother – for a dark voice in the back of her mind told her that there was a debt to be paid for the life she'd been given; however, the weight of her mother's devotion to her was also heavy, and her holidays were often filled with the feeling of drowning. Every time she came home from Hogwarts, she would see more similarities in their faces – which she thought, objectively, should please her as everyone always praised Carole for her beauty – but this terrified her more than she'd ever admit out loud. Sometimes, she imagined that her mother was her future self, and the fear that it instilled in her was chilling.

Her feelings towards her father were just as complex. Objectively, she thought sometimes that she should hate him for everything that he was and everything that he'd subjected her mother to, but she knew that he wasn't a bad man. He loved his family, even if he was poor at expressing it, and he gave them everything that he thought they needed or wanted without batting an eye. She couldn't deny the pleasure she felt when his chest would puff out with pride when introducing her to his colleagues, and he never passed up a moment to brag about her accomplishments. He was the opposite of what she wanted in a husband were she to ever marry, but perhaps he had just never learned any differently. While she could sometimes hear her mother's thoughts in her head as if they were her own, she'd never managed to grasp her father's inner workings, and she'd concluded that they were simply too different from hers to comprehend – and perhaps different didn't equate to bad.

* * *

Staring at the ceiling, Rowan laid out on her bed after a quiet dinner with her mother with a piece of parchment and the new peacock quill her father had given her upon her return home for her top marks. She knew she'd silently promised Remus a letter at the platform, but now that she had tucked in to actually write it, her mind seemed to go blank. She smirked to herself and thought, _Dear Remus, sorry about avoiding you all this time, but I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I've fancied you for over a year. Sorry for that, I'll try to keep it under wraps. How are your parents?_

Rowan imagined how red Remus' face would turn, and she smiled despite herself. Though the thought of her unrequited feelings were still a sore matter, she frequently amused herself with fantasies of taking him off guard by random or bizarre confessions. She had been present once or twice when he'd had to turn down female admirers at Hogwarts, and his face always turned an embarrassing shade of red. He would awkwardly fidget while running a hand through his hair – a nervous habit of his – before stammering out an apology, and despite her jealousy, Rowan couldn't help but secretly cherish his humble reaction.

How lucky were those girls to be in a position to take him for granted! She sometimes regretted getting so close to Remus knowing that it somehow kept her at an even further distance than those girls who only knew him as the kind and intelligent Gryffindor Prefect. But it would be incredibly selfish to envy those girls when she had the privilege of being by his side, standing close enough to see the individual strands of gray forming in his brown hair, close enough to touch him under the guise of friendship. She supposed those girls envied her position, as well, and she couldn't blame them. She would hate herself too if she were one of them.

She imagined him sitting at home with his parents. His father was a handsome and serious man, and his mother was a petite bubbly woman. She was very fond of both. She had spoken to them several times in their years at Hogwarts, and she envied how warm his family was.

This gave her pause. How _did_ Remus' family feel about his condition? How did they feel about his future prospects? During the handful of times she'd spoken to them, she felt a quietly nervous energy about them – Mr. Lupin seemed to always be looking around the crowd for something and Mrs. Lupin frequently fretted over Remus' clothes or touched his face. She'd always thought they were just a nervous couple, but in the context of Remus' lycanthropy, it made much more sense. Surely, they must worry constantly about him, and Rowan's chest constricted at the thought of what guilt they must feel for their son's condition. Neither of them showed any indications that they were lycanthropes, so Remus must have acquired his disease elsewhere. He already showed signs of wear when they first arrived to Hogwarts, so he must have been quite young when he was bitten.

A pang of grief hit Rowan as she imagined Remus as a small child undergoing the process, afraid and hurting, and she suddenly felt so grateful to whatever higher powers that may be – what were the chances that someone like Remus could develop in spite of the suffering that he had endured for his entire life? How could he still remain so kind with the knowledge of what he'd have to continue to endure? She imagined herself in his place and concluded that she would be quite bitter by now if she had his condition. She could hardly blame him for his momentary periods of dark brooding, and she felt a desperate urge to be near him.

Parchment gripped in her hand, Rowan sat up. She groaned in frustration. She had decided to try to get past her infatuation with the boy, but it seemed that every time she thought about him, she fell in deeper. She sighed and supposed that she would just have to accept it for now. Her mouth twitched at the irony. _Well_, she thought,_ I suppose I could endure it a little while longer for him._ And with that, she began to write her letter.


	14. Of Muggle Music, Fwoopers & Proportions

**A/N:** **REVIEW ME!**

This is a longer one, full of fluff! EW.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 14: Of Muggle Music, Fwoopers, and Proportions**

Remus was getting impatient.

Two days had passed since he'd seen Rowan at Platform 9 3/4, and there was still no sign of a letter from her. He had rifled through the post the past couple of days as subtly as he could to look for her handwriting, but to no avail. He was beginning to think that perhaps he'd imagined their exchange or that she'd been looking at someone else when she'd made that gesture. His chest constricted at the thought of her writing to another boy, but he quickly squashed it – getting jealous wouldn't help him here.

He had, however, received a quick note from Sirius, who had scribbled on a small piece of parchment, scolding at Remus in response to his lack of enthusiasm for their New Year's Eve celebration.

_Honestly, Moony, get your shit together. Prongs and I have procured quite a bit of high grade firewhiskey, and if you're not there with your head between your knees drunk by the end of the night, I might have to put forth a vote for your expulsion from the Marauders. I'll see you on the 31__st__. OR ELSE._

Remus smiled amusedly to himself. He knew Sirius would never make do on his threat, and he was quietly grateful to his friend for his unique way of expressing concern for his recent behavior. Besides, there was no way he'd miss it, not with the promise of catching up with Rowan without the usual distractions of school.

On the third day of the holiday, Remus was lying flat on his back on his bedroom floor listening to a record that James had given him as an early Christmas gift – some sort of Muggle rock group… Lead something? Led? He couldn't remember and didn't feel like getting up to check the album cover. He was greatly enjoying it – this particular track was eerie and grating and the dark voice at the back of his mind responded so thoroughly to it. He felt the wooden slats of his bedroom floor beneath his fingers and imagined that his spine might melt into it.

He didn't know how much time had passed, but suddenly, he was woken up to a tapping sound. When had he fallen asleep? A new song was playing that he didn't recognize, and he realized that he must have dozed off. He heard the tapping noise again and jerked up from the floor, looking towards his window to see an elegant gray bird that he identified as Rowan's owl Anfa, clicking her claw at the glass with an package clutched in her beak. He scrambled ungracefully to his feet, all arms and legs, and rushed to open his window.

Anfa floated in gracefully and perched on the end of his bed frame before scanning him up and down with slanted yellow eyes. He always had the strange impression that Anfa was judging him, and he felt uneasy seeing her assess him once again.

The first time he'd mentioned this to Rowan, she'd laughed at him and said, "Well, she's quite the fashion snob. She's probably just judging your outfit. Don't you know that she picks out all of my clothing for me?"

He had mussed up her hair in response, to which she grinned up at him through her messy locks. His stomach fluttered a little at the memory.

Anfa let out a muffled caw at him and he reached to take the small parcel from her hands, noting Rowan's neat but staccato handwriting on the front: _To Remus_. He had to stop himself from tearing it open and instead looked at Anfa saying, "One second. I'll get you something to eat from the kitchen," before running down the stairs.

* * *

Leanna Lupin was in the kitchen preparing for supper already. She turned at the sound of her son bounding down the stairs just in time to see him tearing into the kitchen cupboards, grabbing a handful of their own owl's treats and a saucer of water.

"Everything okay?" she asked amusedly.

Remus nodded quickly before turning to run back up the stairs. "Yeah, owl from a friend. Thanks!" he called back.

Leanna stared up after him. A friend? She had never seen her son tear down the stairs like that at the arrival of a friend's owl. She thought for a moment and then perked up. _A girl!_ She grinned. Her smile faltered. _A girl_… Lyall wouldn't be pleased about that. She supposed it made sense though – Remus was at the age where he would be interested in dating girls, and even though he had told them plainly that he had every intention of avoiding romantic relationships so that he wouldn't put anyone at risk, she knew it was easier said than done.

Turning back to her cutting board, she began chopping vegetables slowly. She would keep this to herself for now. After all, it could just amount to nothing in the end.

* * *

Remus returned to his room to see Anfa on his desk, peering over his things, and Remus felt frustrated at the embarrassment he felt at the owl's judgment. He placed the owl treats and saucer on the desk next to her, watching her begin to eat before turning to Rowan's letter.

He looked opened the package and saw a thin box wrapped in red paper and looked over the letter tied to it carefully while sitting down on the edge of his bed, noting the little doodle of a fwooper on the bottom of the envelope. A little speech bubble was drawn above the bird's head that read, "Don't judge me!" He smiled fondly at her messy drawing, remembering her frustration the last time he tried to give her sketching pointers.

* * *

They had sat down on a grassy hillside to enjoy the sun during a rare lull in homework. It was a warm October afternoon earlier that year, and they had escaped the confines of the castle. She had stretched out on the grass with her limbs sprawling, while he had pulled out a small notebook from his bag to sketch the scenery around them.

He had been drawing for maybe fifteen minutes when he looked down to see her still on her back but staring up at him. "What're you looking at, Delacroix?" he glared playfully at her.

She grinned. "Your face. Your eyebrows furrow together and you get this little wrinkle above your nose when you draw, like this." She scrunched up her face and put her two index fingers over her own eyebrows, pointing them downward at an angle comically.

Remus glared at her again and smacked her on the stomach with his notebook, receiving a high-pitched grunt from her.

"Rude!" she cried out accusingly, but she laughed, one hand on her forehead and the other on her stomach. Remus grinned down at her before she sat up to peer over his shoulder at his drawing.

Rowan sighed. "Man, I hate you sometimes, Lupin. How did you draw that so quickly?" she asked admiring the small mountain scape on his page. "Every time I try to draw something, it comes out looking like a four year-old's wall scribbling."

Remus shrugged. "Practice I guess," he looked over at her again and saw her staring down at the drawing still, a look of concentration on her face, as if she were trying to memorize every line.

"Rowan, your gears are showing," he teased. She glared up at him, cheeks pink. "I can show you some tricks if you'd like," he offered.

At this, Rowan's back straightened and she scooted closer to him, face bright and hopeful, pulling out her own notebook from her bag. Remus pointed into the distance with his pencil.

"You see that mountain over there, the really big one?" he asked. Rowan nodded quickly and looked to where he was pointing. "Well, you need to be able to see it in relation to the other mountains. I think your problem is that you don't understand the proportions between one object and the another, which is why your drawings always end up looking awkward." He looked down at her, and she grinned sheepishly up at him. "A good way to do it is to use your pencil as a scale." He raised his pencil vertically. "When I hold it out at arm's length and measure each piece of the scenery against it, I can get a good understanding of the proportions."

Rowan nodded her head enthusiastically and started using Remus' advice, quickly setting to work on her own drawing. He observed her from the corner of his eye, watching her squinting down her pencil in concentration and her teeth worrying her bottom lip. He smirked to himself before returning to his own notebook, suddenly inspired by a new subject, though about twenty minutes into it, he was interrupted.

"_Forget it!_ I'm just no good at this!" she cried indignantly, throwing her notebook and pencil into the air. The pencil landed on Remus' head with a slight stab, and the notebook crashed in a crumpled heap a few feet in front of them. She growled and collapsed onto her back once again, huffing in frustration.

Remus laughed gently at her and slowly crawled forward to grab the notebook from its crumpled mess, smoothing out the pages that got creased in her outburst. As he sat back down, he looked over her drawing.

He could see what she meant. While he had to admit that it was better than her usual drawings, there was an awkward clumsiness to her lines, and he could tell that she'd been gripping her pencil too tightly at many points. While he knew that she could get better with practice, a part of him was smug knowing that he'd finally found something that he was just naturally more talented at than she.

"It's rubbish!" she declared dramatically, arms flailing around her head, staring up at the now reddening sky.

"Well, I don't know if I could compliment it," Remus began. She groaned in response, and he grinned ruefully at her. "But you've certainly improved. If you keep practicing, I'm sure you could get decent at it."

"Blah!" she said, sitting back up as he handed her back her notebook. "I've got no patience. Let me see yours."

Rowan grabbed his notebook and saw, not a mountain scape, but _her_. She saw herself in profile, engraved into the paper, arm stretched out in front of her and a concentrated look on her face. Her hair was a long dark mass, and she admired the wrinkles in her robes and the play of light and dark against her face. She was at a loss for words.

Remus watched her carefully as her face melted into a serene look. A quiet smile played on her lips, and he saw the corners of her eyes crinkle. She looked up slowly and beamed radiantly at him, eyes glowing with the light of the setting sun.

"Can I keep it?" she asked.

Remus nodded, taking the notebook from her and tearing the page out gingerly. She took it with gentle hands before taking out her large Potions textbook and placing it inside. "So it doesn't damaged," she had said.

The two shared an amiable silence for a few more minutes before Remus heard a growl. He looked over at Rowan who was grimacing and holding her stomach.

"Hungry?" he asked mildly.

"Starving," she said grinning before standing. They both collected their bags and headed up to the castle, arm in arm.

* * *

Remus was brought out of his reverie by a squawk. He looked down next to him and saw Anfa staring up at him with her yellow eyes expectantly.

"Sorry, Anfa. I got distracted. Can you let her know that I'll write back tonight and send it with Alastair?" he asked the owl.

She hooted softly before looking at him with a gaze that he wanted to say was gentler, but he was probably imagining it. And with that, she hopped to the window sill and stretched her wings out, taking off into the late afternoon sun.

* * *

**A/N:** Just for reference, a fwooper is a magical African bird whose song can drive the listener to insanity. Scary, right?


	15. Of Letters, Worth & Crinkled Parchment

**A/N:** This is a shorter chapter, but it was a tough one to write - so many thoughts to sort out. Remus is such a complicated fellow. As always, **PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 15: Of Letters, Worth, and Crinkled Parchment**

Remus wished his parents would eat faster.

His parents were chatting idly over dinner about their day and their plans for the coming week, but once again, Remus wasn't listening. He nodded and gave efficient answers to whatever questions they threw his way, but his mind was on the letter he'd received from Rowan earlier that afternoon. He'd read through it three times before dinner and knew that he'd probably read it another few times before bed, provided that he could sleep at all.

He anxiously listened to his parents' conversation half-heartedly, waiting for them to finish before excusing himself and briskly returning to his room after placing his dishes in the sink. His mother looked up after him with a worried look on her face.

"Is everything okay with him?" Lyall asked her, his eyebrows furrowing together concernedly.

Leanna turned to him with a smile that she hoped didn't look forced. "Yes, probably just teenage brooding. I imagine he just misses his friends."

Lyall snorted, "Damn hormones," before standing up to clear his own dishes from the table and moving to the kitchen.

Leanna looked at her husband's retreating back with a grimace. _Hormones indeed_, she thought to herself, concerns looming over her head. She considered raising the question with Remus but figured it wouldn't help him to be overbearing, choosing to wait it out. _Best leave it for now._

* * *

Remus looked over the letter in his hands again. The numerous pieces of parchment were crinkled and messy, and he could imagine Rowan's small hands running over them busily. Many of her belongings had a distinct crinkled quality to them as a result of her rough handling, and he was suddenly reminded of her messy hair. He pictured her fumbling with the parchment with her bottom lip between her teeth and read through the letter again for the fourth time that night.

* * *

_Dear Remus,_

_I can imagine that you have a lot to say, and I'm sure you want some explanations from me. You certainly deserve to know everything that I've kept from you, but I want you to know that none of it changes how I feel about you. If anything, all of it makes me admire you _more_, if that's even possible._

_I discovered your secret on my own, so don't go confronting the others about it – I also noticed them disappearing with you on the nights of the full moon, though I don't know where you all go specifically. I started having my suspicions at the end of our Second Year when you showed up to class with that cut along the left side of your jaw, and I spent many hours in the library scouring through all sorts of books to try and figure it out. I'm not proud of my nosiness, but you know me – once I get something in my head, I have to see it to the end. I'm sorry for intruding on your privacy, but I can't say that I'd take it back._

_I figured it all out by Halloween of our Third Year, and it took nearly all of my willpower not to confront you about it. I'm not exactly sure why I waited, but knowing your secret made me see you differently and not in a negative way. In fact, I think it made me like you even more, as fucked up as that sounds. Even now, I can't help but admire you for your strength of character considering all the things that are working against you. I began to see what a good person you were, and I think that's why I began to latch myself onto you. _

_I hadn't planned on revealing that I knew your secret that night in the Common Room, but after thinking about the war and leaving Hogwarts, I realized that no matter what lies in store for us, I accept you for what you are and want you to know how much of an effect you've had on me. Just being near you makes me want to be a better person myself, and it's probably because of our friendship that I have such a strong need to help people. And I know that if I put my mind to it, I can help many._

_I know I should apologize for everything. I have an incredible amount of guilt thinking about it, but I don't think I can truthfully say I'm sorry or that I'd do things differently. So I'm sorry for hurting you and for selfishly forcing my feelings on you, but I'm not completely sorry because if I'd never found out, we might never have become best friends. _

_And you are my _best_ friend, Remus, the one person in this world that I can look at and not find a fault in, besides your martyr-like feelings of shame. And I know you feel shame, and it hurts me when I think about it. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you _need _to hear it. A part of loving someone is sharing that person's pain and troubles, and even if you don't want it – even if you hate me for it - you deserve it because you are so worthy of being loved. _

_You are extraordinary – not just as a werewolf, but as a human being - and I'm grateful for everyday that you've been on this earth. I'm sorry for lying to you for so long, but no matter what happens in the future, I will always think happily that the world is a better place for having you in it. _

_I'll see you at Hogwarts on the 31__st__, though I understand if you no longer want to speak to me. Merry Christmas, Remus, and thank you for being my best friend._

_Love,_

_Rowan_

* * *

Remus could hear Rowan's clear voice echoing through his head at the sight of her handwriting, crisp and sharp. Time seemed to move stickily, and though he felt his face burn, his heart thudded slowly within his chest. His eyes skimmed over her words and cherished the way she wrote his name, which seemed to stick out amongst the rest of her handwriting. His heart thudded loudly as he read over certain parts.

_So worthy of being loved –_ that's what she had written. He had never considered himself that way, and seeing it so explicitly stated on paper, directed at him, sent a flare of heat to his core. The dark voice in his head howled at the association. Rowan thought he was worthy of being loved. She implied even that she, herself, loved him. It was too much for him to process with a clear head, so he moved on.

He read over another word: _werewolf_. There was no trying to deny it now. She knew his secret, and there was no going back to how things once were between them. Even written in her familiar scrawl, the word sent an icy chill down his spine, and he had to look away from it.

She thought he wouldn't want to speak to her after this. He thought about it, and a part of him dreaded facing her, yet another hungered to see her, to touch her. Despite the expected feelings of shame that washed over him from reading her letter, it spoke to every reservation, every fear that had ever kept him from telling her his secret, and he felt guilty at the realization that he'd never even considered that she might understand him already.

He turned and suddenly noticed the flat box that he'd put to the side. It was wrapped meticulously with glossy red paper and tied up with a thin dark red elastic cord. Under the cord was a small piece of parchment on which read, "_For next time_."

Remus slipped off the cord and placed the small note with Rowan's letter. Tearing the paper, his fingers slipped beneath to feel the cool metal of the box, which slipped out of its paper covering easily. He traced his fingers over it, opening the box carefully to reveal a set of drawing pencils of varying hardnesses and an assortment of high quality ink pens, each with different tips, ranging from pinpoint thinness to thick felt brushes filled with a smooth black ink.

Running his fingertips over the various utensils, Remus saw rather than felt his tears falling onto the metal case, pooling between the pencils and pens. But he smiled broadly. He was overcome with the realization that he was thoroughly caught, and though he knew he should be ashamed, the joy that bloomed in his chest was too bright to be dampened. He realized that he'd never be able to walk away from Rowan, and though part of him mourned the pain that he knew he'd eventually bring her, the dark voice within him roared victoriously.


	16. Of Perseverance & Eye Contact

**A/N:** There are some references to homosexuality in this chapter. _**Please don't message me with complaints about your objections to homosexuality and/or political/religious beliefs**_. It's not super relevant to the story, so if you really don't agree with it, you can skip to the second part. Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 16: Of Perseverance and Eye Contact **

Rowan stared out into the dark sky outside her bedroom window and sighed. She was sitting on the floor with her clothes in various states of folding, spilling out of her suitcase and around her. Tomorrow was December 31st, and she hadn't heard from Remus since she'd written to him before Christmas. When Anfa had returned from delivering her package empty-handed, she thought that he'd simply needed time to write back to her, but Christmas quickly came and went, and James made no mention of seeing Remus when she saw him at their families' usual Christmas Eve dinner together.

She supposed she couldn't be surprised, she thought sullenly. Of course he didn't want to speak to her! She did, after all, force herself into his secret life because she was simply too selfish and impatient to wait for him to tell her in his own time. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes again for what seemed like the hundredth time that week before blinking them away, and swallowing down the hurt of knowing that she'd lost her best friend.

She heard a soft knock and turned her head to see the family butler Alfred standing in the doorway holding a pile of her panties.

"Your mother wanted me to bring you these from downstairs before you forgot them again," he said teasingly.

Rowan playfully glared at the butler before gesturing to her desk, "You can put them over there. Thanks."

After placing her textbooks on the large wooden desk, he sat down next to her on the floor, pushing a few jumpers to the side. "I'm sure you're eager to get back to school," he said.

Rowan looked at Alfred affectionately. He'd acted as a sort of uncle-figure her entire life and missed him while she was away at school, writing to him nearly as frequently as she did to her mother. Her mother had hired him when Rowan was a toddler and had started showing a proclivity for mischief, and she couldn't remember an important time in her life at home for which he hadn't been present. He had become much grayer over the past few years, she noted. Wouldn't he be turning fifty soon?

"I suppose so. I'm sure you can tell I'm getting pretty anxious here," she admitted to him.

The older man nodded. "Yes, though I must admit that it's painfully quiet around here without you or Master Potter running around the house anymore," he smiled.

Rowan grinned. "You should be thankful. Imagine how much of a mess he and I would make now that we're no longer fun-sized. You'd never get any rest."

Alfred let out a soft barking laugh. "True, though I'm not sure if I'd call you 'fun-sized." Your poor mother would probably skin you alive if she saw you falling out of the apple tree one more time. That damn climbing phase of yours nearly drove me insane."

Rowan's grin faltered. "Is my mother okay when I'm not here?" she asked quietly.

Alfred assessed her for a moment before answering, "I'll admit that she has her moments, especially on the days when she has to resort to the wheelchair, but for the most part, she keeps herself busy with her charity work. She's also taken to her potion making once again. I get the feeling she's been doing some research in her spare time as well."

This piqued Rowan's interest. "Research in what?" she asked.

The older man shrugged. "I couldn't tell you. I doubt it's anything too serious though. She's never been able to keep her interest on one thing for too long, except for you, of course."

Rowan sighed, and Alfred looked at her pityingly. "You don't need to feel guilty about your parents, you know. They're both grown adults and have made their choices. Your mother could have left years ago if she truly wanted to. Don't you think that says something about how much she loves your father still?"

Rowan considered his words. "Yeah, I suppose you're right," she said wistfully, "I can't even imagine." The idea of staying with someone for all of those years despite all the ways he'd hurt her was illogical, and she thought that Carole Delacroix must either be an extremely perseverant woman in love or a masochistic lunatic. It was chilling.

She turned to Alfred, tone changing, "And what about you, you old perv'? Any young boys catch your eye recently?" she asked cheekily.

It was common knowledge within the Delacroix household that their most loyal butler was indeed very gay and quite the playboy. He was still dashingly handsome – even more so with the hair at his temples peppered with gray, she thought - and he often spent his days off out in the city with some new young plaything. Rowan had long stopped keeping track of their names, though she often enjoyed going on outings with Alfred and whatever boyfriend he had at the time.

Alfred glared at her and mussed up her hair, earning a squealing giggle from the teenager. "Mind your mouth, young lady. I should wash your tongue with soap."

Rowan blew a rude noise at him with said tongue before he grinned roguishly at her and stood up. "Do you need any help packing?" he asked, knowing that she didn't like to be coddled.

"Nah, I'm good," she said, shaking her head, "Nearly done anyway."

"In that case, I'll probably check on your mother one more time before going to bed. You're flooing tomorrow at 3 o'clock, right?"

Rowan nodded.

"In that case, I'll see you in the morning," Alfred said, "Good night!" and with that, he closed her bedroom door behind him. 

* * *

At 2:59 p.m. the next day, Rowan stepped out of the fireplace coughing at the Three Broomsticks, where she was meeting the Marauders before they headed up to the castle. The Hogwarts Express wouldn't be running again until the day before classes started, so they'd arranged with Professor McGonagall an arrival via Hogsmeade.

Rowan looked around the inn and saw that Mina was the only one who'd arrived so far and was sitting at a table in the corner with a butterbeer and her nose in her Transfiguration book. Rowan was silently grateful that Mina had accepted her invitation to join her and the boys for New Year's Eve, for she didn't know how she'd make it through the evening with just the four of them.

"Thank god you're here," Rowan said smiling as she approached Mina.

Mina looked up and smiled cheekily, "You're lucky Mum wanted me out of the house. Apparently I'm becoming a bad influence on my brother. He loved your owl by the way."

Laughing, Rowan responded, "I'll be sure to send some more letters your way over the summer holidays then."

The two caught up quickly before seeing Sirius step out of the fireplace, bags in hand. Rowan noted that what looked like a spot of soot was actually a light bruise on his left cheekbone. As soon as he spotted the girls though, he froze, and Rowan realized that she'd forgotten to tell him that she'd invited Mina. She grinned ruefully at him and stood to walk over to where he'd stopped, taking one of his lighter bags and leaning in to whisper to him.

"Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Don't forget to breathe, okay?" she teased.

He glared at her and whispered menacingly, "Oh, _Winnie_, you'd better be able to hold your liquor," before following her back to the table.

For five painful minutes, Rowan tried to maintain a smooth conversation with the three, but Sirius was failing miserably at maintaining eye contact with Mina, who was in turn growing more frustrated with Sirius' inability to hold a conversation. Just when Rowan thought it couldn't get any more awkward, she saw another person emerge from the fireplace and looked over enthusiastically expecting to see James, only to lock eyes with Remus Lupin.

* * *

Remus stopped to pat down the soot out of his jeans after he stepped out of the fireplace at the Three Broomsticks, trying desperately to look presentable. He never managed to send a letter back to Rowan, and he knew she would be furious with him, but every time he'd tried to put a quill to paper, his mind went blank. As he picked his bags back up from the floor, he looked around and saw her sitting in the corner with Sirius and Mina, looking quite desperate, as her companions seemed to be struggling to maintain conversation.

They were seated in front of a small window, and the bit of winter light that spilled from it into the dark inn illuminated her hair in the same way that it had that morning in the Great Hall after his October transformation, and he blushed at the memory. Suddenly, she turned and her eyes landed on him, and once again, he felt his face burn.

He expected to see her face contort with anger and prepared himself for the verbal barrage, but it never came. To his horror, he saw her mouth quiver slightly and then turned away to look at Mina. Sirius had noticed him by this time and leapt to his feet, rushing towards him with gratitude written all over his face.

"Moony!" he boomed. "So good to see you!" He wrapped his arms around him in a bear hug and lifted him off his feet for a moment before dropping him back down unceremoniously.

Remus forced a weak grin and ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, good to see you, Padfoot. Where are Peter and James?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Wormy is, as always, running late, and Prongs decided not to come via floo. He's got a new toy he wanted to try out," he said grinning, excitement playing in his eyes. Remus raised an eyebrow and was about to reply when -

"AND HERE HE IS!"a voice shouted out dramatically, and James suddenly appeared out of thin air with a flourish of his Invisibility Cloak, swishing it like a magician, smacking several of them in the face with it.

"JAMES!" Rowan shrieked at him. "You twat! What is wrong with you?"

James simply guffawed at her reaction and spun his cloak around his neck dramatically so that it hung like a scarf from his shoulders. "I would like to introduce you peasants to the next talk of the Quidditch pitch!" he announced loudly, pulling a brand new Cloud Surfer out from behind him.

Everyone around the table "oohed" at the shiny broomstick. James puffed out his chest proudly, "Brand new model! Just hit the shelves on Christmas Day! This beauty is going to win us the Quidditch Tournament this year, boys!"

Mina glared at him, and James faltered a little under it, "Err, and girls," he added weakly.

At that moment, a round figure fell out of the fireplace with a grunt and a thud, indicating that Peter had finally arrived. Remus rushed over to help him up to his feet, and Peter struggled to get ahold of his bearings, front covered with soot.

"H-hi! Sorry I'm late, everyone! Mum made me repack my bags because she didn't like the way I folded my clothes," he squeaked apologetically.

The boys laughed, and Remus clapped him on the back, a cloud of soot billowing from Peter's clothes. "It's okay, Wormy. Prongs just got here a second ago too. Why don't we start heading up to the castle now?"

The group gathered up their belongings and headed towards the exit. Rowan rushed to the front with Mina, trying desperately to avoid eye contact with Remus and reached the door first, yanking it open and all but running into the cold air. The sun was already hanging low, and the snow glittered on the roofs of the Hogsmeade shops. Grabbing Mina's arm, she led the way up to the castle, forcing herself not to look back.

* * *

Remus looked almost bewildered at Rowan's obvious avoidance, and the other three boys walked together awkwardly, each trying to figure out a way to ask him what was going on between him and Rowan. The three of them fell into conversation about James' new racing broom, but Remus stayed silent once again, watching Rowan's figure ahead of them longingly.

He mentally kicked himself repeatedly for thinking that she'd react angrily. _Of course not, you idiot!_ Her letter had obviously been an extended hand, waiting nervously for Remus to reach back, and he should have realized that she'd be hurt and see his lack of a response as a sign of rejection.

He gazed after her, seeing her hair swinging against her back, and decided that he had to figure out a way to get her alone this evening. He considered asking one of the Marauders for help but thought better of it – he would wait to tell them everything until after he'd sorted out this mess. All he could do was wait and hope that he got a chance.


	17. Of Chasers, Confetti & Countdowns

**A/N:** So I've been writing like a lunatic these past few days, but the real world is calling. I probably won't be updating too frequently after today, but I'm definitely going to finish the story. Just think of it this way: you have more time to leave me a **REVIEW**! Yay! I'll be updating a couple more tonight maybe, but then you all are on your own for a while. Sorry, but I am an adult, believe it or not, and I got shit to do!

Also, I forgot to mention in the last chapter that I don't condone underage drinking, but our heroes do like to break the rules, don't they?

** Serah: **Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words! ^^ I'm so happy you're enjoying it. Please feel free to let me know what you think as the story progresses!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 17: Of Chasers, Confetti, and Countdowns**

Remus was discouraged to find that there were more students at the castle than he'd anticipated. When they arrived at the Common Room, they were welcomed by greetings from several Gryffindors, including – to Remus' disdain – Alan Spinnet, a tall handsome black Chaser on the Quidditch team.

Alan greeted Rowan enthusiastically upon their arrival, and Remus' throat constricted at the answering smile she'd given Alan in return considering her less than warm response to him at the Three Broomsticks. He couldn't hear their conversation over the noise of the Marauders and the other Gryffindors who had approached them, and his stomach lurched when he saw Alan reach forward and flirtatiously smooth out a strand of Rowan's hair from her face. The dark voice within him screamed at the sight, and Remus had to flex his hands to release the tension in his neck.

"Hey, Moony!" he heard, and his head snapped around to see James staring at him, questioningly.

"We're going to go unpack and then head down to dinner. You coming?" he asked.

Remus sighed and willed himself not to look back at Alan and Rowan as he picked up his bags before trudging up the stairs to the boys' dorms.

* * *

Rowan sat on her bed after unpacking the last of her clothes. She looked around her empty room – her other roommates hadn't returned yet, and she was glad to have the privacy. While they got along fine, she never felt particularly comfortable with any of them, and she valued the quiet moment to calm the storm raging inside of her.

She thought she'd be able to maintain an air of nonchalance around Remus as to not draw attention to their now tense relationship, if she could even call it that, and her head pounded with embarrassment knowing that she'd very nearly made a spectacle of herself. She'd be an idiot to think that the Marauders hadn't noticed it, too, and she dreaded the questions she'd have to answer from James and Sirius later.

Then Alan Spinnet had approached her in the Common Room. He was a tall and handsome Seventh Year and a terrific Quidditch player – he, James, and Sirius were considered the dream team of Chasers even amongst people outside of their house – and he had quite the following of female admirers. She'd spoken to him a few times over dinner at the House Table but nothing too intimate, so she was surprised at his attentions. She wasn't dumb – she was quite the flirt herself and knew the signs – and she wasn't sure how she was going to go about the evening knowing that he'd probably seek her out again.

Rowan couldn't help but feel flattered that such a desirable boy was interested in at least flirting with her, and she had to admit that she was physically attracted to him – he was tall and leanly muscular with a smile that could stop a room. Though she knew she'd drop him in a second if Remus were to show an inkling of interest in her, that door seemed to be permanently shut now as he'd made it clear that he didn't even want to be friends, and logically, she knew she should try to accept it and move on.

But having him there with so few distractions was rattling, and she didn't know if she'd be able to flirt with another boy in Remus' presence, even if he didn't want anything to do with her.

"Hey, your gears are showing."

Rowan jerked up in horror but was immediately relieved to see Mina, not Remus, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed across her chest. She was looking at Rowan fixedly.

Rowan gaped at her a moment before responding, "You scared the shit out of me," laughing nervously.

Mina smiled thinly before moving to sit on Lacey Jones' bed, which was right next to Rowan's, and asked, "You want to tell me what's going on between you and Lupin?"

Rowan almost flinched. "What do you mean?" she tried nonchalantly.

Mina snorted. "Really? You dragged me here to cover your neck, but you won't tell me what's going on?" she asked with a brow raised.

Sighing, Rowan knew she was stuck. "Okay, yeah, we're not really talking right now, but I'm really not in any position to explain. I'm sorry," she said apologetically. Mina was looking at her seriously. "I really would if I could," she continued, "But it's not my place. One day, I'll tell you, but for now, I can't say anything. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was using you to cover my ass, but I really did want to see you," she added guiltily.

Seeming to weigh Rowan's words, Mina nodded slowly and answered, "Well, if you can't tell me, I understand. But you have to promise to tell me as soon as you can," she said fiercely, to which Rowan nodded. "And I'm glad I'm here, so don't feel guilty about it," she added with a smile. "Besides, it's about time I had my first taste of firewhiskey, right?"

A slow grin spread across Rowan's face, and she threw her arms around Mina's neck, which Mina awkwardly returned with a laugh and patted her on the back.

"You're the fucking best, Mina. I'll make it up to you, I swear. I'll give you all of my shots if you want," promised Rowan. Mina laughed again, before a devious grin broke out on her face.

"Let me play with your hair, and we'll call it even," she said.

Rowan frowned. No one else had touched her hair in ages except for a hair stylist maybe twice a year. She'd just had it trimmed over the holiday, but it still fell well past her shoulder blades. She didn't pay much attention to it, and though her mother often fretted over it, Rowan quite liked its wild quality.

"What are you going to do with it?" she asked suspiciously, eyeing Mina with caution.

"Well, I'm going to tame it, for starters," she said, already rolling up the sleeve of her blouse and pulling out her wand. "I actually love how wild your hair is, but I've been wondering for a while what it'd look like with a few styling charms on it." She scanned her eyes over her appearance. "And you have to change out of that ratty boys' jumper."

Rowan looked down at her plain black jumper and asked shrilly, "What's wrong with this?" It was her favorite – worn and faded but softer than any of her other clothing. It was baggy and certainly not like what most of her female peers wore, but it had belonged to Alfred in his younger days and she loved it.

"You're going to a party, dear. At least try to look the part," Mina said judgingly.

Groaning, Rowan acquiesced, "Fine, but there's no way in hell that I'm wearing a skirt. Okay, _mother_?"

Mina grinned triumphantly and moved to sit behind Rowan on her bed. Rowan looked like a deer in headlights with wide eyes and mouth taut, but she remained still as Mina's hands fell on her hair and began to work their magic.

* * *

The Marauders had been at dinner for over thirty minutes before Mina and Rowan finally appeared in the Great Hall, and Remus nearly bit his own tongue when he saw Rowan.

She wasn't wearing anything out of the ordinary – a simple blouse and sweater - but her hair wasn't flowing wildly around her like usual, and he momentarily missed it. By most standards, her hair wasn't styled in a special way, but it hung gracefully around her with a liquidity that he'd only seen in her family photos. She looked uncomfortable and slightly awkward, and he could tell by the smug look on Mina's face that she'd subjected her friend to it.

Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one to have noticed the change, and he saw a few heads turn as she walked by. He saw red when Alan Spinnet stood to greet the two girls warmly. He'd already had to endure Alan's presence throughout most of dinner as he, Sirius, and James were still rambling excitedly about James' new Cloud Surfer, but now, he wanted to punch the older boy in the throat, especially when he saw Rowan's cheeks blush prettily as Alan reached out to compliment her hair.

_He had to get her alone._

* * *

Rowan was at a loss. She sat between Mina and Alan with Sirius on Alan's other side. James, Remus, and Peter sat across from them. Rowan was having an immensely difficult time not looking over at Remus while figuring out how to talk and not appear awkward. Alan was diligently working for her attention, and Sirius was craning his neck past the two of them to see Mina who seemed to be oblivious to it all. She almost wanted to trade seats with Sirius so he could stop bobbing his head like a crane with neck spasms, but then she'd be sitting across from Remus, and the thought of being face to face with him made her want to crawl into a ditch for the rest of the night.

Dinner passed slowly and awkwardly, and Rowan was extremely relieved when everyone was done with their food and headed back up to the Common Room. James and Sirius were in high spirits, skipping up the steps singing ludicrous songs about firewhiskey that they were clumsily making up on the spot, and Peter was trying to keep up with the hyper pair.

Alan had slowed down from walking with his classmates to join Rowan and Mina. Rowan had to grasp Mina's arm tightly to make sure she didn't walk off to leave her alone with Alan, and as they climbed through the Portrait Hole, Sirius and James had already pulled out several handles of firewhiskey, pouring liberal amounts for anyone within reach. Rowan felt a glass being shoved into her hands, and despite all the awkwardness of the evening, she grinned and held up her glass to the boys' loud cheers and downed it in one gulp, relishing the burn that slid down her throat.

* * *

The party quickly got underway with all of the present Gryffindors socializing wildly. Although there were only about twenty-five students there, the celebration was loud and chaotic. Remus had enchanted a mass of confetti and glitter to swirl above the room in a dense ball, which spun hypnotically with bits of light flashing off its pieces, and random objects zoomed through the air, including James, who had brought out his new Cloud Surfer and was drunkenly flying around the Common Room, offering rides to a few giggling girls, much to the amusement of his friends.

Rowan had a happy buzz going, and she'd long thrown her reservations to the wind. She was hopping happily around the room from person to person, feeling much more like herself than she had in weeks. She'd spent the past few hours joking and playing drinking games with Sirius and a few other Fifth Years, and even Mina was giggling uninhibitedly and pink in the face, talking to a few of Alan's Seventh Year mates who all seemed quite taken with her.

When midnight finally rolled around, she had found her way back to Mina again. The two of them were conspicuously surrounded by the Seventh Year boys, including Alan, and the girls grinned at each other. The Gryffindors had gathered at the center of the room, and as they began their countdown, Rowan looked across the room, too high off her buzz to really care about running the risk of seeing a certain werewolf.

"Ten!"

Remus was standing between James and Sirius with an intensity in his gaze that she'd never seen before, and she realized with a jolt that it was directed completely at her. She felt her cheeks redden but found that she couldn't look away, and the shouting of her housemates suddenly seemed very distant.

"Nine!"

Remus internally cried out with joy when she finally met his gaze. When he saw the blush stain her cheeks, the dark voice inside him roared, and he felt consumed with the desire to push through their friends to reach her.

"Eight!"

Rowan's head was pounding with exhilaration and confusion. Clearly, he wasn't looking at her with the expression of a jilted friend. There was so much heat in his gaze, and she thought she might burn under it.

"Seven!"

Suddenly, Remus saw Alan move towards Rowan, and he felt a snarl in his chest. He'd completely forgotten about the Chaser the moment Rowan had locked eyes with him, and he was overcome with the urge to hurt the older boy again.

"Six!"

Rowan saw the sudden twitching of Remus' face with confusion and was both shocked and secretly thrilled when she realized it was directed at Alan. She suddenly understood that Alan would be looking to receive a kiss from her at midnight, and her mouth twitched amusedly before linking arms with Mina.

"Five!"

Remus saw Rowan's small gesture and was suddenly calmed. She had understood him in that briefest of moments, and he felt his chest swell with pride knowing that this girl could read him so thoroughly with just a look.

"Four!"

Rowan held Remus' gaze questioningly, and finally, a small but apologetic smile spread across his lips, and she had to take a deep breath to control the tears that threatened to emerge knowing that he was still her friend. She smiled back at him gently with as much sincerity as she could muster.

"Three!"

Remus saw the tenderness in Rowan's face, and he was reminded of the smile she'd given him in the kitchens that late night as she held his hand. He felt his face begin to burn, and he prayed that she could sense even an ounce of what he felt towards her.

"Two!"

Rowan knew that if she didn't look away soon, she would be lost. He would consume her with his intensity, and the deepest part of her wanted to burn. Suddenly, she saw him grin radiantly and look up, and she jerked her head upward to follow his gaze.

"One!"

The sparkling ball of confetti that Remus had charmed earlier that evening suddenly burst with a _BANG_, raining confetti and glitter around the room. The Gryffindors all cheered and shouted in joyous surprise, arms flailing with shouts of "Happy New Year!" A few couples shared brief kisses with each other, and James and Sirius were jumping around wildly again, stealing kisses from anyone they could reach, boys and girls alike. Even Peter was snogging a Fourth Year girl. Remus looked back across the room to see Rowan gazing at him fiercely with eyes blazing, and he wanted to reach out to her, to touch her.

Then Alan Spinnet came into his field of vision, and he saw red again. Alan shared a few words with Rowan before a grin broke across her face, and Remus' throat constricted in panic. But then she shook her head and pulled Mina in closer, landing a solid kiss on her lips. Alan looked slightly disappointed but amused before walking back to his group of friends, and Remus felt a rush of triumph – he'd won for today.

Mina looked disgruntled and smacked Rowan on the forehead, and Rowan grinned ruefully and rubbed her cheek against Mina's face affectionately. Remus watched them fondly and decided that it was nice to see Rowan with a girl friend. Mina was a worthy candidate for Rowan's friendship, and the two shared a comical dynamic. He smiled amusedly – perhaps her closeness with Mina would help give Sirius more of a chance with the sterner girl.

He looked over at Sirius. He was cackling and standing on top of a table, pouring butterbeer into James' mouth, who was standing next to the table, arms and mouth open wide. Peter was scurrying around them nervous with excitement.

_Or maybe not._

* * *

The party didn't last much longer after midnight as they'd been at it for many hours by the time the clock had struck twelve. Most of their friends had retreated back to their dorms and several couples had disappeared mysteriously. Peter and James had both passed out next to each other by the fireplace, which now served as the room's main source of light, and Remus grinned silently at the sight of Mina and Sirius speaking in low tones, huddled unusually close to each other on the couch. He saw her hesitantly reach out to touch the bruise on Sirius' cheek, something Remus mentally noted to himself to ask about later, and Sirius' returning bewildered look. _Interesting_.

Where was Rowan?

He looked around the room for her and saw that she was quietly vanishing away confetti and glitter while stacking discarded cups and bottles. As he approached her, she looked up at him nervously before smiling.

"Seriously?" he asked her, amused.

She grinned at him ruefully. "I just don't want to be too rude to the house elves, you know?" she said, and he felt a soft wave of affection for her.

"You, rude? Never," he teased. She playfully smacked him on the arm and he chucked softly. He paused and thought silently for a moment, running a hand through his hair before asking, "Do you want to talk?"

She looked up at him, cheeks a light pink, and nodded, "Yeah, where do you want to go?"

"Well, it doesn't look like my roommates will be heading up to bed anytime soon," he said gesturing to the other Marauders by the fireplace, and she laughed, eyeing Sirius and Mina who were suspiciously close now. "We can head up to my room," he suggested. "If you're okay with that," he added quickly.

She laughed softly but blushed, "Yeah, that'd be fine. Let's go." She shyly snaked her arm in his and looked up at him, smiling in that tender way that made his stomach jump, and they headed up to the boys' dorm.


	18. Of Favorite Subjects & Hangovers

**A/N:** So much in this chapter! But our heroes finally reconcile, so yay!

**REVIEW ME!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 18: Of Favorite Subjects and Hangovers**

As Rowan entered the Marauders' room, she was struck by how different it felt from the countless other times she'd been there. She'd spent plenty of weekend afternoons sitting on the floor studying or playing chess with Remus as the other boys came and went, but this time was markedly different, and she knew she was dangerously close to something, though she didn't know what. She was overjoyed at just knowing that Remus still wanted to be her friend at all, and her head swam with questions for him, though when she went to pull one from the mass, it fell apart.

She turned to see him illuminating the various lamps around his bed and went to sit on it. She could see that he felt just as awkward as she did, and as she sat next to him, she laughed suddenly at the absurdity of it all. She looked over at him to see his face screwed up in confusion before laughing more, and soon he joined her.

When her laughter had died down, he grinned at her fondly and mussed up her hair, and she relished the familiarity of it.

"I kind of feel bad for messing up your hair when you put so much effort into changing it today," he said jokingly.

Rowan groaned. "No, that was all Mina. I'd rather fight a basilisk than displease her. I couldn't care less about it, but she insisted that I let her tweak my hair before dinner. I can't believe the charms haven't faded by now. I can never get my hair to stay this neat for this long."

Remus grinned at her, "Yeah, though I honestly kind of miss how it usually is."

Rowan's cheeks burned at his comment, and she racked her brain for something to say, but luckily, he cut to the chase.

"I wanted to apologize – you know, for everything that's happened recently," he said, still half-smiling, but softly now. Rowan looked up at him carefully. "I'd honestly meant to respond to your letter, but it was like every time I tried to begin, I couldn't even figure out _where_ to begin," he confessed. "I guess I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for worrying you. You must've thought the worst of me when I didn't respond."

Rowan started, "No, Remus, _I'm_ the one who should be sorry. I-"

But Remus waved a hand to cut her off. "No, you don't have to apologize. It's not your fault that you're too damn smart for your own good. Honestly, after thinking about it, I'm surprised no one else has figured it out yet. I mean, everything about me screams 'Werewolf!'" he joked.

Frowning, she wanted to say something, but Remus continued. "No, I-" he started again, "I've spent my entire life like this, knowing what to expect from my future and fearing the day that I let someone get too close to me. But before I realized it, you were there, and I was too selfish, too afraid to let you go."

The lines in Remus' face suddenly looked very heavy, and Rowan had to restrain herself from tracing her thumb over them. She wanted to memorize each crease, every scar by touch and sight.

"For months, I feared that you'd see me for what I really was, so that night…" he trailed off. "I can't tell you how scared I was. The only other people besides my parents and the faculty who know are my mates, and even though they know, it doesn't come close to the shame and fear I felt when I thought about you finding out what I was," he said softly.

Rowan saw the toll that speaking was taking on him, and she reached out a hand and firmly grasped his own, lacing her fingers with his. She looked up at him and though she couldn't seem to find the words, she hoped that her feelings would reach him.

His eyes blazed in response, and she smiled warmly. He continued. "I can't stand the thought of you pitying me or fearing for me," he said, voice suddenly bitter. His grip on her hand tightened, and she felt the heat from his palm scald her. "The worst part of all of this is seeing the guilt that my parents have about me, and if I were to ever see that in you…" Rowan felt her chest tighten. "I know you're going to worry," he said with a sigh. "I know you're going to be scared for me and that you'll grieve for me, and honestly, I hate it more than anything."

Rowan felt the tears burn at the back of her throat in spite of herself, and she swallowed them down forcefully.

"But you were right," he said, sadly. "You're always fucking right about these things." Rowan felt the burning in her cheeks again as he looked at her. "You're always going to worry about me, regardless of my handicap, and there is a war going on. Once we leave this place, who knows how long we can go without losing people we care about?" His eyes glowed fiercely, and she wanted to be swallowed by them. "I can't do anything about you knowing what I am. I know that now. And I should be grateful that there's someone like you out there who's willing to grieve for me. I should be grateful that someone like you exists at all, and no matter what happens, I want to be by your side to support you every step of the way because you're so important."

There was a burning wetness on her cheeks, and Rowan realized dumbly that the tears had begun to escape from her eyes without her realizing it. Remus leaned forward and wiped a few tears away with his fingers.

"You're my best friend, Rowan, and I'm so _grateful_ for it."

A hiccup bubbled in her throat, and Rowan's face burned in embarrassment as she realized that she was once again crying in front of this boy. She groaned and buried her face in her hands, and he laughed, pulling her hands away and wiping her wet cheeks with the sleeve of his jumper. He held her face between his hands, and her heart pounded so loudly that she was sure he could hear it. She wanted more than anything for him to just lean forward and kiss her, but he lowered his hands and turned, and she tried to force down the disappointment.

He'd grabbed something from his dresser and was running a hand through his hair while staring down at his lap at a neatly wrapped parcel. It was small, a little bigger than two widths of her hands and perhaps half an inch thick. It was wrapped in a simple silver metallic paper, and she noted the reflection of the yellow light of the room that bounced off of it.

Remus fidgeted before turning to her nervously. "I know you got me that great gift, but I couldn't think of what to get you, so I made you something, but it's not nearly as good as I'd hoped," he said quickly. "I'm sorry it's so late, but I didn't want to just send it to you without a letter, so I waited." He handed it to her quickly.

She looked down at the small parcel then smiled at Remus warmly, "You really didn't have to, you know," she said half-teasingly before carefully peeling open the paper to find a notebook similar to the one Remus had for his sketching.

Rowan was confused for a moment before opening the small book and dozens of images full of color burst from the pages, and she realized that each one held a drawing. She skimmed through them and noted the range – anything from silly cartoons of knights fighting dragons to delicate sketches of her face. On the inside of the cover was neatly written, _To Rowan, My Favorite Subject_.

Before she could stop it, a full-blown grin broke across her face, and she looked up to see Remus looking at her worriedly. When he saw her beaming at him, he gave a shy grin, and she laughed and exclaimed, "It's brilliant!" before throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly, relishing the warm feeling of his body against hers and thanking the heavens that he was still her best friend.

* * *

Remus thought he could die happy. As he felt her pull away from him, she was still smiling brightly, and the low light of the lanterns illuminated her eyes in a way that made him feel weak. She looked back down at the notebook and started going through the pages slowly, stopping at each one, laughing softly at a few but always smiling. He sat close to her, legs touching, and peered over her shoulder to watch her go through his gift. He took in the yellow light on her hair and the straight line of her nose, and all the awkwardness of the past month seemed to disappear.

Eventually, she released a long yawn, and he could see her eyes begin to glaze over.

"Sleepy?" he asked teasingly.

She nodded dazedly at him, eyelashes fluttering with exertion. She stood to leave, clutching the notebook to her chest. She stopped at the end of his bed, however, and as she turned back to look at him, she had that gentle smile on her lips and a fire in her eyes.

"Good night, Remus," she said warmly, softly. And with that, she turned, and he watched her form retreat past his door.

As he fell asleep only minutes later, his head swam in a way that he knew had nothing to do with the firewhiskey, and he felt so very grateful to be alive.

* * *

"-ke up!"

Remus could see light glowing behind his eyelids was suddenly very aware of how cold it was. He groped around blindly for his duvet but found that it was slithering down his body beyond his reach.

"-ake up!"

His head hurt slightly, and it felt like a desert in his mouth. His lips twisted at the numerous sensations hitting him suddenly.

"Remus, wake up!"

His eyes shot open and saw a pair of amber eyes floating dangerously close to his face. He jerked up with fright, crashing his forehead into something hard.

"_Shit!"_ he heard a loud voice curse as he groaned and clutched at his forehead.

Rowan was perched on her knees next to him at the edge of his bed, also clutching at her forehead and groaning. "_Why?_" she moaned dramatically.

Remus half-groaned, half-laughed, "Seriously, _Winnie, _what the hell were you expecting?" still rubbing the small welt that was forming on his forehead. She was already dressed, and he noted fondly that her hair was plaited in a long braid down her back.

"I wasn't expecting you to have a seizure and attack my face!" she cried indignantly, now looking back at him, face still scrunched up. There was a small red bump forming above her right brow, and he imagined he looked a similar state.

"Why are you up here harassing me already? What time is it?" he asked exasperatedly.

Rowan rolled her eyes, "It's already noon, if you must know, and I came up here because I am a wonderful friend and wanted to inform you of the amazing drunk spectacle downstairs that is our friends," she glared. "But I suppose you wouldn't be interested in that. I should've known! I'll just take my camera downstairs alone. Go back to bed!" she said haughtily, hopping off the bed and starting for the door.

It took a second for her words to sink in, but in a flash, Remus had thrown off his bed covers and was running towards the door. He grabbed Rowan's arm, and she squealed delightedly in surprise, before pulling her through the door and down the stairs to the Common Room.

* * *

Remus was struck by the spotless state of the Common Room – the only indications that there had been a celebration at all were a few party hats that were now stacked neatly in the center of one of the tables. There was not a single piece of confetti to be found, and he noted that there was more glitter on him than on any of the Common Room surfaces. The house elves must have been very busy.

A loud snore rumbled from the fireplace, and Remus grinned and looked at Rowan, who was also grinning deviously. She put a finger to her lips and started over to the couch by the fireplace stealthily, a camera gripped in her hands.

It was very hard to remain silent, however, at the sight of their four friends. The snoring evidently came from Peter, who was flat on his back on the floor with arms and legs spread out like a starfish, mouth open. James had somehow rolled over to Peter in the middle of the night and was now cuddled into the crook of Peter's shoulder with an arm and leg draped over his torso. He looked strangely demure. Sirius and Mina were still on the couch. Mina was propped up against the corner, and Sirius was draped across her with his head on her stomach. One of her hands was tangled lightly in his hair. Remus felt very pleased for his friend.

He heard a click and flash and looked over to see Rowan directing a camera at the two on the floor, a devilish smile on her face.

"This is perfect," she whispered maniacally, and he laughed softly. "Go pose next to them," she encouraged, and he stalked over to where James and Peter lay, making absurd faces by them while Rowan giggled and continued to click away. He noted that she also sneakily snapped a photo of the couple on the couch and saw the secret smile that played on her lips.

They heard a groan, and Remus moved to squat behind James and Remus' heads, flashing a grin at Rowan, who raised her camera in preparation. He saw James' face screw up with effort, obviously beginning to wake, and as his eyes began to flutter open, Remus grabbed both boys' faces.

There was a chaotic frenzy of camera flashes and shrieks. Both James and Peter jerked awake with frightened shouts – though Peter's was more of a squeal – limbs flailing and colliding with each other. Remus fell backward onto his rear, gripping his stomach and roaring with laughter, and Rowan was having a hard time standing straight from the rips of hysteria that tore through her.

The chaos had woken up the pair on the couch as well. Sirius jerked up with a jolt and a barking shout and immediately tangled himself in his own limbs, tumbling off of the couch with a loud thud and groan. Mina had shot up with a gasp and was blinking rapidly, hands frantically patting down her messy sleep hair and trying to get her bearings on the ruckus that had exploded around her.

Remus and Rowan were both on the floor now, sides stitched with laughter. Remus had to scramble away quickly to avoid James' wrath, who was now roaring at him, throwing his fists in Remus' general direction. As the chaos faded, a unified groan could be heard throughout the room. The four who had just woken all grimaced in pain, and Remus could see signs of a hangover in each of them. James and Mina were sitting up, heads in their hands and eyes squeezed shut. Sirius was face down on the floor, limbs spread out, and Peter laid in the fetal position, whimpering softly. He felt slightly bad about waking them up so irreverently, but it had been worth it.

"So… breakfast anyone?" he asked lightly. There was another resounding groan, and he saw Rowan laugh again before snapping one more photo of the group, all of whom glared at her venomously.

"You are so _dead_, Winnie," muttered James, though it was difficult to take him seriously, as he still hadn't moved from his seated position with his face in his hands.

* * *

Rowan sat with Remus in the Common Room while the other four dragged themselves up to their dorms to shower and change before heading down to the Great Hall together. She had returned her camera to her room and was now sitting on the couch with Remus quietly, both still laughing lightly at the morning's events.

Remus had also gone back up to quickly change his clothes and rinse the night's festivities off, and he was now fresh-faced and smelled cleanly of soap. They were both reclined lazily next to each other, arms parallel, and Rowan felt more content than she had in weeks, not touching or looking at him but warm with the knowledge that he was within an arm's reach.

She was internally replaying their conversation in his room earlier – the way the bright winter light spilled in from the window and played on his cheeks bones, his long fingers threading through his hair as he woke up, and the rough scratch of his voice still laced with sleep. His pajama pants had rested low on his hips, revealing a light dusting of hair that disappeared beneath them, and her stomach clenched remembering it. Seeing him in such an intimate setting felt almost nourishing to her, and she felt energized at the memory.

They sat in a warm silence until their friends rejoined them, looking fresher but still with twinges of pain on their faces. Remus and Rowan grinned at the four before following them out of the Portrait Hole.

* * *

Remus noticed that there was a strange energy between Sirius and Mina. The two hadn't spoken at all since returning from the dorms, and she seemed to be actively keeping a distance between them. But Sirius' face kept darting to hers, and her cheeks were stained a dark red for the entire walk down the castle stairs, gaze averted, though every now and then she would steal tiny glances at the dark-haired boy when he wasn't looking. He felt bad for cutting into their tension, but he wanted to say something before he forgot.

"Hey, Padfoot, is everything okay?" he asked quietly, his voice laced with concern.

Sirius' face screwed up with confusion, "Yeah, just a little hungover. Why?"

Remus gestured to his face, noting the now fading yellow bruise on his left cheek. Sirius' hand rose to rub it absent-mindedly, smiling thinly at Remus.

"Oh, that. I got into a bit of a row with Mother while I was at home. I guess I took it a little too far this time," he said sheepishly. "No worries, really. I've had worse," he added, smiling.

Remus nodded and continued to walk next to Sirius in silence. He looked ahead at Rowan, who was walking a little ahead of the rest, a light bounce in her step. Her fingers were tangled in each other behind her back, and he wanted to reach out and lace them between his own. Her long braid was swaying rhythmically against her back, and the light bounced off it in beats, and he couldn't help himself but reach out and grab it, pulling her back slightly.

She let out a soft cry in surprise before looking up at him with a glare. He grinned down at her roguishly, snaking the offending hand around her shoulders, keeping it firmly in place as they walked.

"Rude," she pouted, a light blush on her cheeks, and as he felt the warmth of her arm tentatively wrap around his waist, all the confusion of the past month melted away.


	19. Of Moonstone, Tempers & Fake Duels

**A/N:** Ugh, their Fifth Year took up much more time than I'd anticipated. Sixth Year, here we come!

As always, **PLEEEASE LEAVE ME A REVIEW! **I love reviews!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 19: Of Moonstone, Tempers, and Fake Duels **

Winter quickly turned to spring at Hogwarts, and by the time April rolled around, the Marauders were feeling quite stressed with the pressures of their impending O.W.L.s. Remus, in particular, was often overwhelmed by the weight of the workload, and he had taken to spending nearly every waking moment in the library studying, much to Sirius and James' disgust. The lines in his face had deepened over the past weeks, and he frequently missed meals due to his heavy trance-like focus on his schoolwork, resulting with him looking even paler than usual.

Ever since he'd accepted that she knew his secret, he and Rowan had shared knowing looks and a few moments of frank conversations about his transformations – usually right before and after – but she'd respected his reticence and didn't question him about it more than she felt she needed to. He was grateful for her endless patience with him and continued to be awed by her level of empathy. Their friendship had taken on a subtle level of intimacy since the coming of the New Year, but besides some shy touches and glances, their relationship hadn't changed much - something he wasn't sure to be pleased or frustrated about. He knew that she felt strongly for him, but he'd seen the continued attention that Rowan had been receiving from Alan Spinnet, and he couldn't help but feel slightly hopeless compared to the older boy.

Alan was athletic and handsome, with a friendly wit and winning smile. Even though he resented the Seventh Year bitterly, he knew that objectively, they might have been friends under different circumstances, which made him feel even worse about the situation. Alan's intentions toward Rowan were obvious, and he felt highly discouraged whenever he saw them together, for she neither seemed to encourage him nor rebuff him. He'd seen them spending several evenings in the Common Room together – he'd laugh at her absurd stories, and she'd playfully argue with him about various famous Quidditch players. The bitter jealousy that would rise in Remus' throat was sour, and he knew that part of his reasons for hiding in the library was because he knew that he couldn't compete with someone like Alan.

One warm evening though, about a week before his monthly transformation, he'd missed dinner again. He had been scouring through his Potions essay about the properties of moonstone, and he was struggling to remember what Professor Slughorn had said earlier that day about its materiality differences, wishing absentmindedly that Rowan were there to help him.

"Moonstone is a common ingredient in calming draughts, like the Draught of Peace and sleeping potions when ground into a fine powder, but when added to potions in raw pieces, it can create volatile reactions in its users, like heart or kidney failure. If baked for four days at a temperature of 125 degrees Celsius, it can be crushed and smoked as a potent opiate."

Remus jumped in his seat and looked bewildered over his shoulder to see Rowan leaning over him, grinning toothily. "Well? Write it down," she teased.

Remus glared at her before scribbling her answer down quickly. She sat next to him quietly before reaching into her bag to pull out a couple glass containers filled to the brim with food. "I noticed you'd skipped dinner again, so I had Dotty fix you up some sandwiches and shepherd's pie," she said warmly, placing the containers next to his books and clinking a fork on top of them.

He looked at the food in a daze for a moment then back up at her. She was smiling amusedly at him. "_Thank you, Rowan! You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I'm so lucky to have you,"_ she mocked in a high-pitched voice.

Remus glared at her again. "Is that supposed to be me?" he asked, offended.

She just grinned back cheekily, and he mussed up her hair before turning fully to assess her. He realized suddenly that he hadn't really seen her in the past week beyond class, and even then, he was so fixated on his lessons that he rarely noticed her. He suddenly felt very guilty for his negligence – he couldn't be the only one having a hard time. Surely, she must be worried about their exams, too.

"Hey, stop it," she commanded.

Her voice broke him from his thoughts, and he saw her looking at him, eyebrows furrowed.

"I can see it all over your face, and you don't need to feel bad about it," she said sternly. Her eyes softened. "I know. You don't need to explain yourself to me. Just take your time and do what you need to do," she said smiling thinly.

Remus was overwhelmed by her ability to read him and groped for the words to express his gratitude. He came up short, however, and could only choke out a "Thank you," to which she smiled.

Suddenly, his stomach growled, and she laughed. "Hungry?" she asked amusedly.

"Starving," he admitted, grinning sheepishly, grabbing one of the containers to start eating.

As he bit into a sandwich, she looked at him with a concentrating gaze. "You know," she started, "You need to take better care of yourself, this week especially. Even Alan mentioned that you're looking thin."

A flare of anger shot through him for a moment, and he had to silence the dark voice in him before responding stiffly, "I know that."

She raised an eyebrow and started in again, "You're not doing a very good job at showing it. Alan-"

Suddenly, something in him snapped, "_Just tell Alan to mind his own fucking business_!" he snarled at her.

As soon as the words shot out of his mouth, he felt ashamed. He dropped his sandwich into the container and looked at her, eyes wide with shock at his own behavior. She was looking at him with a hurt look, her mouth pulled taut and eyebrows furrowed.

"Rowan, I'm so sor-" he started, but she cut him off, grabbing his hand.

"No, I'm sorry," she said, looking at him, eyebrows still furrowed. "I shouldn't have pestered you. It's hard to control around this time, isn't it?" she asked softly.

He looked at her solemnly and nodded slowly. Her face held a knowing look, but she said nothing. His temper always seemed to increase around the full moon, but he'd never gone so far as to snap at her like that. Her grip on his hand loosened, and he was terrified that she was going to walk away from him, but instead, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling herself towards him. He could feel the rise and fall of her chest against his own, and as he wrapped his arms around his back, his entire body burned.

Eventually, he pulled away to look at her and again, wanting to once again tell her how much she meant to him, how amazed he was at how well she knew him, but he could only muster up a pathetic, "Thank you."

She smiled warmly before sitting back down next to him and pulling out her own books and parchment. Remus ached to keep talking to her, suddenly aware of how much he'd missed her presence over the past week.

"Are you and Spinnet dating?" he blurted ungracefully, kicking himself for not being able to ask anything else. But the question had been burning through his skull for a while now, and he supposed it was better now than never.

She looked down at her parchment, her eyebrows furrowed again. "I don't know," she began. "Sort of, I guess, and I enjoy his company. He's certainly good-looking, but…" she trailed off. "I just don't know," she said. "Honestly, I think I might just like the attention. I'm not used to having boys look at me that way, and certainly not boys like Alan."

Remus nodded, and a part of him felt hopeful at her answer, though he wasn't sure what she meant by "boys like Alan," and he wondered if he'd be included in that category.

"Has he asked you to Hogsmeade or anything?" he asked, suddenly aware of how much he'd missed. He had skipped the Hogsmeade trip two weeks prior, and he hadn't even bothered to ask if she'd gone.

She blushed, and his stomach plummeted. "Yeah, I went with him a couple weekends ago," she admitted. "But it was just okay," she said, a little disappointedly. "He took me to Madame Puddifoot's shop, and while a part of me always kind of envied the girls who went on dates there, it wasn't anything like I'd imagined." She grimaced a bit. "It was just so stuffy and the perfume smell hurt my nose, and I felt awkward the entire time. I think I'm just not cut out for romance," she said dismally. "He was so nice and paid for everything, but when he held my hand, I felt so embarrassed," she buried her face in her hands at the memory.

_He'd held her hand_, Remus thought bitterly, and the sinking feeling in his stomach fell even further. _What else did they do? _So many questions sped through his head, and he felt a crushing urge to know if she'd kissed him, but every time the question formed in his mouth, it dissolved hotly before he could say it. Her face was still red and grimacing.

"Would you go with him again?" he finally asked.

She shook her head sullenly. "I don't know. I don't think I'm fit to be anyone's girlfriend," she said, her face crestfallen. "Mina keeps pressuring me to go on double dates with her and Johnson, but the thought of it makes me nauseous."

After New Year's Eve, Sirius and Mina had resumed their awkward relationship of bickering, and Remus still had no idea what had happened between the two that night. Mina had been asked out by one of the other Seventh Year boys at the party, Johnson Pollack. She'd been seeing him for several months, and Sirius had gone back to leading on the remaining girls of Hogwarts for fun. Remus thought sourly that Mina and Rowan had become quite popular recently, and that it made sense that the older boys in their house would pursue them.

Rowan continued, "I know objectively that I should take my lack of enthusiasm towards him as a sign, but then I start thinking about how I'd turn him down, and I feel so guilty, especially after all the time that he's spent trying to court me."

Remus nodded. That was true. Alan had put in all the efforts to woo Rowan, whereas he'd locked himself in the library and forgotten all about her in his dark haze. Alan had opened doors and given compliments, paid for sweets and held her hand proudly in front of their peers. All that Remus had done for her recently was blurt out awkward questions and snap at her for no reason. He wanted to curl up and die.

He looked at her and saw the grimace fade into a sad resignation, and a pang shot through him at her look of dejection. She then turned to him and smiled weakly.

"Well, I guess I should get started on that Potions essay too," she started. Then a teasing smile spread across her face. "Want to let me copy yours?" she asked cheekily.

Remus laughed and smeared a line of mustard across her forehead. She laughed, wiping the mustard from her face and turning back to her own essay. Obviously, she didn't need the help.

* * *

The next two months passed quickly, and Remus performed well on his O.W.L.s. He received mostly O's and a few E's, and even received an A in Potions, which was all he could really hope for. A part of him was annoyed that Sirius and James seemed to do nearly as well without much studying, though in different subjects – both had received E's in Potions but only A's in Herbology – but he was simply happy to have gotten the marks he needed to have a shot at a decent job after graduation.

Rowan, of course, had received nearly all O's, though she only received an E in Astronomy and Transfiguration, which James loved to tease her about, as Transfiguration was his best subject. She'd done well on the entire exam until she flubbed up a basic color-changing spell, and for a week after, James tormented her by transfiguring her school robes obnoxious neon colors at every turn, until she finally had enough and hit him with a Slug-Vomiting Charm, earning her a rare detention from Professor McGonagall.

The end of the year was quickly approaching, and with their exams done, Remus and Rowan had more time to spend outside in the sun. They had taken their usual hillside place with Remus sketching and Rowan cloud gazing. They could see the other three boys down by the lake tickling the Giant Squid, and Remus noticed Sirius' head turning every so often to look at Mina, who was sitting beneath a distant tree reading with Lily.

"Is Surrey still seeing Pollack?" he asked Rowan.

"Hm?" she said vaguely. "Oh, no, she broke it off with him a couple weeks ago," she said dazedly.

"Oh, why?" he asked, curious.

Rowan shrugged, "He's graduating, and she didn't like him enough to stay with him after he left. He was pretty upset, apparently." She seemed lost in thought.

Remus looked down at her. Her hands were behind her head, and she had propped one ankle across a raised knee, feet bare and bouncing. He had to tear his eyes from the curve of her thigh to look at her face – when did she start wearing such short shorts?

He wanted to ask her what she was going to do about Alan. She had continued seeing him vaguely, simply out of a sense of obligation, and he could see her subtle attempts to avoid him. He knew she didn't feel anything particularly special towards him, but on the rare moments that he saw Alan plant a kiss on her cheek or drape an arm around her shoulder, he had to consciously hold himself back from punching something.

They spent the rest of the afternoon outside, eventually joining the rest of the Marauders down by the lake. Remus sat and watched with amusement as Rowan and James pretend-dueled with sticks they'd found in the grass – an old childhood game of theirs apparently – jumping from rock to rock at the edge of the lake and making absurd sound effects for their equally absurd fake spells. Eventually, they both ended up falling into the water during their horseplay, only to get pulled out by the Giant Squid's long tentacles, giggling madly like children. They sat in the grass laughing at each other's dripping clothes, and Remus had to fight the embarrassing reaction his body had when he saw Rowan pull her shirt up slightly to wring out some of the water, revealing an expanse of smooth skin that he wanted to follow.

As they headed back to the castle, the group chatted animatedly about dinner and a game of Exploding Snap for after. Rowan's hair had nearly dried and was even more wild than usual, and Remus had a hard time keeping his eyes off the way her still-wet shirt clung to her. There were curves there that he'd never noticed before, as she tended to avoid form-fitting clothing, and his ears burned with embarrassment when he saw Sirius catch his eye, grinning knowingly at the lighter-haired boy.

Just as they reached the Great Hall, a voice called out, "Rowan!"

The group turned to see Alan Spinnet jogging briskly up to the group, and Remus nearly missed the slight stiffness in Rowan's shoulders as she saw him approach. Alan greeted James and Sirius with a clap on the back before flashing a friendly smile at Remus and Peter, which Remus awkwardly attempted to return. He then turned to Rowan, his smile broadening at seeing her.

"Got a minute?" he asked.

Rowan shifted ever so slightly and nodded, smiling a bit stiffly, "Sure." And with that, the two walked down the corridor to a corner where they could be alone.

* * *

As soon as they reached a quieter spot away from prying ears, Alan lifted Rowan up off her feet and spun her around before placing her down and declaring proudly, "I got four N.E.W.T.s! All E's!"

Rowan smiled genuinely for him, "That's fantastic, Alan! Congratulations!" Her stomach lurched a little knowing that she couldn't get out of this conversation quickly – he deserved to be proud, and she should at least humor him. However, she was quite hungry and was beginning to feel self-conscious in her wet clothes suddenly under his warm gaze.

He grinned down at her. "I'll definitely be able to get a job at the Ministry now. I've already heard from the Department of Magical Games and Sports. I'm really hoping for this one."

"That's fantastic. I'm really happy for you," she said warmly, truly meaning it. Just because she didn't reciprocate his feelings in the way that she should didn't mean that she couldn't be pleased for him. She knew he'd been working very hard, but at the sound of only four N.E.W.T.s, she couldn't help but think about how much smarter Remus was.

Alan beamed at her, "Thank you." He paused for a moment, his gaze softening. "I've been thinking. I know I'm graduating and all, but I was thinking that we could try with the long distance," he said slowly. "I think you're great, and I could come up to Hogsmeade on the weekends to see you. It'd be a little tough, but I think it'd be worth a go."

Rowan felt her stomach drop. He was looking at her so hopefully, and the happiness from his N.E.W.T. results still showed on his face. She wanted so very badly to say yes, but she knew that this was it – there was no happy ending for her with Alan Spinnet. She knew the first time they'd spoken over dinner that he'd never compare to Remus, and though she thought that pursuing a relationship with Alan would help her overcome her feelings for her friend, it had only served to prove that she had eyes for no one else.

But it didn't make it any easier, and as she took a deep breath to begin, she knew that whatever she said would hurt him.

* * *

Remus felt something hit him in the face and fall to his plate.

He looked away from the entrance of the Great Hall and felt something else hit him. He looked to his right to see James, resting his chin on his hand with a bored expression while flicking peas at Remus with the other. He stopped when he saw that he had Remus' attention.

"So you want to tell me when this started?" he asked.

Remus frowned. "What?"

James rolled his eyes. "Whatever this thing is you have going with Winnie – when did it start?"

Remus felt his ears burn. "I don't know what 'thing' you're talking about," he said stiffly.

Snorting unceremoniously, James scoffed at him, "Oh, come off it. You really don't think I haven't noticed you eye-fucking her at every turn? You've been staring at the entrance for like fifteen minutes without hearing a single thing I've said."

Remus flinched. He hadn't been _eye-fucking_ her, had he?

"Oh yes," James continued, as if reading Remus' mind. "I've seen that look. I swear I could drown in the UST between you two. It's sickening."

Frowning, Remus considered James' words. He'd known Rowan his entire life – they might as well be siblings! Was this his way of warning off Remus from her?

Once again, James seemed to read Remus' mind, and Remus momentarily wondered if their mothers had put something in his and Rowan's food as children that gave them this unique power. "I really don't care, you know. I know you wouldn't do anything stupid. I'd trust you with her before Padfoot."

This caught Remus' attention. Though they were all "Marauders," James and Sirius had a connection that couldn't be touched by Peter or Remus, and though it had stung a little when they were younger, Remus had long accepted that he would never be at that level. Hearing that James would prefer Remus over Sirius for his sister-figure was shocking to say the least.

"Really?" he asked, unable to contain the surprise from his voice. He searched James' face.

James nodded, amused. "Well, yeah. Sirius is a good guy, but we all know he's terrible with girls. She'd probably kill him in less than a week," he said grinning. Then his face became serious. "I won't tell you how to go about your business, and I can't blame you for something you can't control," he admitted. His face grew more solemn. "I know you have too much at stake to fuck around, but if you want to be with her, you should be with her. You owe it to yourself to be happy." He clapped Remus on the shoulder and gestured towards the entrance then looked back over to Sirius and Peter, who had been discussing the proper way to hit a Bludger.

Remus looked back at the entrance of the Great Hall and saw Rowan walking across the room, a sullen look on her face but with a lightness to her step that he hadn't seen in a while. He noted that Alan was suspiciously absent, and catching his gaze, she beamed at him, shedding the dark expression. He felt his stomach hit his throat. As she sat down at the table, taking her seat next to him, she grinned.

"What're you looking so smug about?" Remus asked, dying to know what had happened between her and Alan.

"Oh, nothing. Just finally trimmed off some weight," she said lightly, reaching for a meat pie.

"Did you and Alan…?" he asked open-endedly.

Rowan looked at him and grinned again before responding, "It's going to be a great summer, don't you think?"


	20. Of Taffy, Tackling & Tan Lines

**A/N:** It's been a couple of days! Hope you all have been doing well!

Things start getting a little more… err… mature from here, but only little mentions of stuff. Definitely no action yet. I'm actually a little nervous about writing the more sensual romance scenes since this is my first fic, so I'd really appreciate any feedback. Thanks!

**PLEEEASE LEAVE ME A** **REVIEW**! I haven't gotten any in a while... Are you all still there?

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 20: Of Taffy, Tackling, and Tan Lines**

Summer passed slowly but happily for Rowan. She spent the first month of her holidays at the shore with her mother and Alfred while her father stayed behind to work, per usual. Rowan was pleased to see how relaxed her mother was there and spent her Saturday afternoons walking around the quaint fishing town with Alfred, snacking on ice cream and taffy before coming home to their beach house to admire her own tan lines in her room.

Her sixteenth birthday was July 20th, which she celebrated quietly with James, who gave her a box of his mother's best chocolate chip cookies and took her out to see a Muggle action film, which delighted and confused the both of them. She'd received an assortment of small gifts from her friends, including a couple of rare books about advanced Potion Making from Lily and Mina, a box of sugar quills from Peter, and a set of Zonko's merchandise from Sirius.

Remus' family had gone to the south of France as soon as her family had arrived back at home, but they'd exchanged numerous letters throughout the summer, and she'd become well-acquainted with Remus' owl Alastair, much to Anfa's disdain. He told her about how his mother had cried with happiness when he brought home his O.W.L. scores, and she told him about her mother's new obsession with planting rare singing plants. She sent him a large jar of saltwater taffy from the beach, and for her birthday, he'd sent her an assortment of French records of various famous female crooners. Afterward, she spent many afternoons lying in her family's yard listening to the sad French love songs, only stopping after Alfred teased her of a being a lovesick teenager.

Though she missed his gentle voice, she cherished every letter she received from Remus, fingers lightly running over his signature. She saved each of his notes in a neat box, determined not to damage them, as she seemed to do so often with her other belongings.

Rowan had thought that spending the summer away from him would help her overcome her infatuation. Indeed, Remus had written to her about an older Beauxbatons girl that he'd had a short fling with during his stay in Nice, and though she knew objectively that she should take it as a sign to move on, a surge of scalding jealousy had seeped through her veins, and she had to bitterly admit to herself that come September 1st, nothing about her feelings for him would be different.

* * *

When the first day of school arrived, Rowan stepped onto Platform 9¾ with Alfred, trolley full and unwieldy. Her mother was often too weak to walk long periods of time, especially in chaotic places, so Rowan put her foot down whenever she tried to see her off at the station, insisting that she'd be fine with Alfred. As she finished placing her trunks on the train, she saw a dash of black hair out of the corner of her eye and suddenly felt the wind knocked out of her.

Sirius Black had hurdled himself into Rowan, and the two crashed to the ground in a heap, limbs flailing. He immediately leapt to his feet and barked in triumphant laughter.

"The first point of the year is mine, Delacroix!" he shouted before bounding off to presumably find his next target.

Rowan was sprawled on her back, blinking up in confusion and slight pain at Alfred, who was staring down at her with an amused smirk. Rowan felt a spark of anger at her friend, who apparently hadn't matured over the summer despite turning sixteen as well, and was about to scramble to her feet to scream at him when she felt a strong pair of hands grip her waist and lift her up effortlessly.

She saw Remus' amused grin as he placed her lightly on her feet, noting how much he'd grown over the summer – he now stood a good six inches taller than her, and she could see a new air of confidence about him. His shoulders had filled out slightly, though he still seemed to be mostly arms and legs, and his jawline seemed slightly more defined. She also noted that he had a few new scars across his left eyebrow and upper lip.

One look at Remus and Rowan knew her previous suspicions were right – she hadn't gotten over him over the summer. If anything, the physical changes in Remus had only served to increase her infatuation – her body reacted to the sight of his boyish grin and light scars with a dull tingling ache. She noted that he hadn't moved his hands from her waist, and she thought they might burn through to her skin. A part of her wanted them to.

Sadly, he removed his hands, reaching up with one to muss up her hair. "You're looking quite tan," he said with a broad smile.

She grinned and patted down her hair. "You're looking quite tall," she noted.

He grinned roguishly – had he always smiled like that? She felt her stomach flutter wildly for a moment before hearing a nervous woman's voice.

"Remus! _Remus!_"

They both looked toward the source of the voice and saw Leanna Lupin hurrying towards them.

"Oh, thank heavens! I was worried that you'd gotten on the train already!" she looked over and gasped, grabbing Rowan's hands fondly, "Oh, Rowan dear, it is _so_ good to see you!" she said brightly.

Rowan greeted the older woman warmly, "It's wonderful to see you too, Mrs. Lupin. Where is Mr. Lupin?"

"Oh, he had to work at the Ministry today, unfortunately, so it's just me!" she replied, still bubbling. "I feel as if I haven't seen you in ages, dear! My, you're growing so quickly! Look at you! You've become quite the beauty!" she gushed, squeezing Rowan's hands. "And Remus tells me that you were at the top of the class again! Your parents must be so proud!"

Rowan felt her cheeks redden at Mrs. Lupin's praises. "Oh, no, Remus beat me in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and James beat me in Transfiguration. Remus is just being polite," she responded bashfully.

Mrs. Lupin beamed. "Oh, he's such a polite young man, isn't he? I hope he's a gentleman at school as well," she said.

Rowan grinned at Remus and turned back to his mother, "Well, you could say that," she teased, to which Mrs. Lupin beamed even brighter, if possible.

The whistle indicating that the train would disembark soon rang, and Remus turned to say goodbye to his mother while Rowan turned to face Alfred.

Alfred gave her a long embrace before holding her at arm's length and saying, "You be careful at school. Don't let just any boy into those knickers, or I'll have to knock some sense into you," he said pretend-sternly.

Rowan rolled her eyes. "Psh, says you. Try not to break too many boys' hearts while I'm away. And other parts," she said cheekily.

Alfred knocked her lightly on the head affectionately before giving her another brief hug and pushing her toward the train, where she boarded with Remus behind her, noting with another flip of her stomach his guiding hand on her lower back.

* * *

Leanna Lupin looked after her son as he boarded the Hogwarts Express, and though she watched him and Rowan fondly, a part of her worried.

She'd had her suspicions as to who Remus' mystery girl was for nearly a year, and when she saw the hungry expression in her son's eyes as he looked at Rowan, she knew she'd figured it out. She was thankful that her husband wasn't there, but the thought that Remus fancied the girl he considered his best friend was concerning. Rowan was certainly everything a mother could wish for her son. She'd been thrilled when he'd informed her that Rowan had accepted his condition with open arms, but she knew that the girl's family was on the conservative side. She couldn't imagine a scenario for the two of them to be together, all things considered.

Her heart stung for her son, and she hoped that he would get past this phase quickly. The thought of him pining for this girl for too long was painful, and she prayed that he didn't come out too hurt in the end.

* * *

Rowan found Mina after a few minutes of searching compartments. Remus had left her to go to the Prefects' compartment for his meeting with the new Head Boy and Girl, and he'd promised to come find her after he was done, squeezing her hand reassuringly. Mina had cut her hair so that it barely reached her shoulders, and Rowan noted how prettily her chestnut waves billowed around her face. Her cheeks and nose had been dusted with freckles from the summer sun, and Rowan envied how feminine she looked.

"So how is Liam?" Rowan asked grinning. Mina's summer letters had been full of tales about the various boys she'd been seeing casually throughout the summer, and her latest fling had been a Muggle boy named Liam who lived on her street. She'd become quite the man-eater since New Year's Eve.

Mina waved it off, "Psh, we're done. I don't think I can date Muggle boys anymore. It's so hard to try to make up stories to tell them about where I go during the school year."

Rowan laughed, "Yeah, I can see how that'd cause problems. So you're unattached again?"

Mina grinned deviously and stretched out her arms above her head, "Yep, free as a bird. Hopefully the next one won't be as clingy as Johnson."

Rowan grinned back. "Yeah, and hopefully the next one won't have a name as phallic as Johnson," she joked, to which Mina laughed heartily.

About an hour into the train ride, the compartment door slid open to reveal James, Sirius, and Peter. James' face lit up at the sight of the two girls.

"Finally! I've been looking all over for you two!" he exclaimed happily. He climbed over Rowan ungracefully to get to the window seat complaining something about motion sickness, making her groan, and Peter followed suit, sitting next to Mina, but Sirius slid in smoothly to sit next to Rowan.

A week after Sirius' birthday in August, she'd been surprised to see James' owl carrying a letter from Sirius saying that he'd packed up his things and moved into the Potters' home. They'd talked briefly about it in their letters, but it still seemed to be a touchy subject for the boy, so she didn't approach it. She felt infinitely sorry for him – she couldn't imagine what it must be like to have such spiteful parents, and she was quietly grateful for her own when she thought of it.

However, at this moment, she was still sore about the tackling incident outside of the train, and as he sat down next to her, she punched him soundly in the middle of his left thigh, earning a yelp from him.

"What the fuck, Winnie!" he cried, gripping his thigh.

"The second point of the year goes to me, Black!" she shouted, feeding his words back to him. At this, he grinned ruefully and conceded, "Ah, okay, okay, I'm sorry for tackling you earlier. But you just looked so calm that I felt like you needed some spice in your life!"

Rowan glared and punched him again in the same spot, earning another yelp from him.

"Okay, okay! Mouth shut! Got it!" he whimpered. "Ugh, I'm going to have such a bruise."

The five of them broke out into conversation about which N.E.W.T.-level courses they'd be pursuing. Mina and James both intended to enter the Auror academy right after leaving Hogwarts, and they compared their desired classes. Rowan was taking most of the same classes, simply because she qualified and wanted to, and Peter had managed to scrounge decent enough scores to continue in a good number of classes. Sirius was oddly quiet though. Rowan imagined he had a lot to think about considering recent events and didn't push him to participate.

When Remus finally rejoined them, he was still in high spirits, pleased with the new Head Boy and Girl Frank Longbottom and Alice Egan, who were both Gryffindors. As he smiled and told them excitedly about the new policies the pair was trying to put forth to prevent Prefect abuse of power – mostly directed at the Slytherins – Rowan's stomach flipped again. She saw him bite his lower lip in amusement at one of James' jokes and was surprised by the urge to bite it herself. Then she imagined what those lips must have done over the summer with a faceless French girl, and she felt her face burn with sad embarrassment, knowing that she couldn't compete.

* * *

The rest of the train ride passed uneventfully for once, though Remus noticed the strange tension between Mina and Sirius that had redeveloped – or rather, there seemed to be a tension emanating from Mina at seeing Sirius, for he had barely said anything during the trip and never directed any of his usual awkwardness at her. Remus was surprised at this considering his jumpiness around the brunette just two months prior. He supposed that his friend was perhaps too caught up in his own internal dialogue to notice Mina's presence, though it seemed unlikely. He noted to himself to keep an eye on the pair later.

He also noticed a few changes in Rowan's appearance. Her skin was an attractive shade of brown from the summer sun, which seemed to make her eyes brighter. Her chest swelled a bit more than it did when they'd left Hogwarts, and he'd been darkly pleased with the feel of her hips beneath his hands at the platform, which flared attractively. He also saw the pink blush that dusted her cheeks whenever he addressed her, which sent a heat soaring through him.

As they arrived at the castle, Remus felt Rowan slide her arm into his familiarly, and he looked down at her fondly. Her chin was tilted upward at the ceiling of the Great Hall, and he saw her eyes glow with content at the sight of the floating candles. He sighed and realized that despite the events of the summer, nothing had changed.

During the few weeks he'd spent in France with his parents, he'd met a local girl named Renee and hit it off with her. She was two years older, much more experienced, and nothing like he'd ever expected – all confidence and sensuality. He spent the his time there with her learning more things about sex and romance than he'd learned in fifteen years. They'd held hands on the beach and watched fireworks together, sharing bottles of cheap wine. She'd stolen his first kiss and taught him how to touch her in ways that made her writhe, and though he enjoyed the older girl's attentions – what growing boy wouldn't? – he found that the heat he felt towards Rowan was missing, and he left France without any intention of seeing Renee again.

He'd returned to Hogwarts more confident in his physicality with his newfound knowledge and determined to be "one of those boys" that Rowan had mentioned last year in reference to Alan Spinnet. He wanted her to want him, and he had decided that if any girl was to accept him as a lover knowing what he was, it was she. Watching her interact with his mother had been a treat – his mother was clearly delighted with her, and though his mother would likely accept any girl he brought home, he knew bringing Rowan home would win his father over as well.

And she'd looked even more beautiful than when he'd last seen her, all tan arms and bright smiles. When he'd placed his hands on her waist, he imagined what her skin would feel like beneath his fingers without the layers between, and he desperately wanted to touch her, to be able to reach out to her at his leisure.

But first, he'd have to convince her that he was worthy of her affections. He had James' blessing, but now he needed hers. Sure, she'd said that he was worthy of her love, but he doubted she'd meant it in the way that he wanted. She'd learned months before what it was like to be courted like a lady – Alan Spinnet had played all the classic moves with romantic gestures and dates – but he knew it'd take more than that to win a girl like Rowan. She didn't want dramatic gestures or impressive gifts. She wanted someone solid and intelligent without ornament, and he was prepared to be that someone.

As they sat at at the Gryffindor table for dinner, he watched her carefully from the corner of his eye. She would glance up at him every so often, laughing at all of his jokes and animatedly offering her own. But there were times when he'd catch her staring at him, and she'd blush prettily and avert her gaze. The dark voice within him howled. This year might turn out to be his best yet.


	21. Of Giggling Girls & Hair Burning

**A/N:** So much UST! AGHHH… I love the UST. Sorry if I drag it out.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 21: Of Giggling Girls and Hair Burning**

Rowan Delacroix wanted to murder Remus Lupin for being so dense.

It was the end October, and the first two months had passed quickly. The Marauders and company had fallen into the routines of their N.E.W.T. courses quickly and adjusted as well as they could to the heavy workloads. Rowan was deeply enjoying the more challenging Potions work but also secretly missing Remus' presence in the class, who hadn't continued on with it.

However, right at that moment, she wanted to punch said boy in the throat.

The Marauders always threw a huge party in the Gryffindor Common Room after Quidditch matches, and this one had been a particularly spectacular victory over Ravenclaw, 220-60. The Ravenclaw team had been their main competitors this year, and Sirius and James had spent the entire past week on edge, discussing strategies and training tips. By the end of it, Rowan was convinced that she'd heard enough to play the match herself.

The Gryffindors had piled into the stadium, decked out in as much red and gold as they could bodily carry. A stuffed roaring lion was being tossed around their section, and each person's face was splattered with red and gold paint. The entire school had come out to watch at the promise of the Quidditch match of the year, and energies were high, to say the least.

Rowan stood in the stands with Remus, Mina, Lily, and Peter, and fifteen minutes into the match, she already wanted to kill Remus.

He'd been strangely attentive with her since coming back to Hogwarts for their Sixth Year, with small gestures that made her heart race like carrying her books or tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. She wanted to write it off, but there was no way she was imagining the new way he'd place his hands on her lower back or brush her legs with his own beneath the tables in the library. She'd seen the way he'd smirk at her smugly out of the corner of his eye when she'd react to these small touches, and her blood boiled knowing that he was teasing her for fun.

He was being particularly insufferable this day. The group was standing at the front of the stands with a perfect view of the pitch, and as the teams flew out, taking a few warm-up laps around the pitch, James had flown over to Rowan to exchange their customary lucky handshake. As he flew off, he'd turned and winked at Lily, who blushed to her roots, which surprised Rowan and she made a mental note of it. Rowan's face burned as she felt Remus' hand creep onto her lower back as it had done so frequently as of late, and she felt a surprising surge of anger at his smug grin at her reaction. Throughout the match, he would lean over and ask her questions lowly about her opinions on the strategies and players, his voice deeply rumbling in her ear, and by the time they headed back to the castle in the crowd of screaming of Gryffindors, she was a throbbing ball of hormones.

The party didn't make situations any better either. Mina had abandoned her to flirt with some Seventh Year boys, and Lily looked so nervous for some reason that Rowan thought she might implode. Sirius and James were obviously in their element, though the hero of the night had undoubtedly been Zachariah Billington, the Fourth Year Seeker. The two older boys had been carrying their younger teammate around on their shoulders all night with Peter nervously scurrying around them. The young Seeker looked delighted to be the focus of attention of his popular teammates and visibly glowed. Rowan was extremely pleased for the smaller boy but also frustrated, as this left her with Remus.

Remus hadn't hovered over her at the party as he had done at the match, but every now and then, he'd lean over and touch the back of her neck lightly or whisper something to her, breath hitting her ear. She jealously also noted the flirtatious way he'd smile at the other Gryffindor girls, who annoyingly had seemed to have noticed the changes in him from the summer and had taken to giggling at every sight of him. Every time she saw his damn gaggle of girls, she wanted to burn all of their hair.

As she watched yet another girl walk away giggling at Remus' grin, she felt a spark of anger – he was toying with her! Obviously, the attentions of whatever French girls over the summer had gone to his head! She imagined hotly a smug Remus on the beach surrounded by faceless girls with golden hair, and she suddenly wanted to do physical harm to something. By the time he'd turned back around, she'd stormed off as subtly as she could, joining Mina and her harem of Seventh Year boys.

Rowan avoided Remus for the rest of the party as much as possible, trying to enjoy the older boys' attentions, but her heart wasn't in it. Remus had changed over the summer, and sure, it was probably just a quick phase, but didn't his blatant flirting show just how little he cared about her as a girl? They were certainly still best friends, but if he could flirt and tease her like any other girl as he had been, then obviously he didn't really see her any differently - he was becoming nearly as bad as Sirius. The realization seared the back of her throat.

The Gryffindors finally started trickling off slowly around 1 a.m., and Rowan peeled herself from Mina and the group of older boys feeling slightly suffocated as the conversation had become more intimate with the late hours. She suddenly felt like she needed some air and discreetly stepped out of the Portrait Hole, sitting quietly on the stairs, relishing the silence and the cold marble against the backs of her legs.

She was brought out of her moment of peace by a creaking noise and realized that the Fat Lady had swung open again, revealing a certain Remus Lupin. He looked around briefly before noticing her on the stairs and gave her a confused smile before sitting down next to her, dangerously close. She silently thanked Merlin that he kept his hands clasped in front of him.

"You okay?" he asked, slight concern written on his face.

Rowan nodded, not looking at him. "Yeah, just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the party – needed some quiet," she said, hoping that he'd take the hint and go back inside.

Unfortunately, he didn't, leaning back so that he was reclined against the staircase. She felt his gaze burning a hole through the back of her head and wished that she could be anywhere else. Her face was burning and her internal dialogue was screaming at a million words a minute in her head, screaming at _him_ to leave her alone.

Remus leaned forward again, looking at her, now with a serious expression. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked quietly.

Rowan flinched. "Yeah, I'm fine," she answered quickly, and she mentally kicked herself for the shrill tone of her voice. "I just need a minute. You should go back inside. I think Suzanne Bowlin was looking for you." She tried to muster her usual teasing grin, but she thought bitterly that it must look very forced.

Remus frowned with an indecipherable expression on his face, and to her horror, he reached a hand out and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. As she felt his fingers graze her highly sensitized skin, she impulsively slapped his hand away.

They both looked shocked at her sudden action, and Remus stammered, eyes wide, in a way that made her desperately miss the Remus from the year before.

"Rowan, I - I –"

She clenched her eyes shut in embarrassment before jumping to her feet. "Just – just drop it, _okay_? Go back to your fucking fan girls and leave me alone!" she blurted out loudly, red in the face and head pounding. "You're so fucking dense!"

She shouted the password at the Fat Lady, who had been listening nosily to their exchange and looked suddenly affronted at Rowan's outburst. She harrumphed but swung open for Rowan, who scrambled inside ungracefully, leaving a very bewildered Remus on the stairs.

Rowan walked briskly around the perimeter of the Common Room towards the girls' dorms, desperately hoping that no one noticed her. Unfortunately, James stepped into her line of vision grinning and mouth open to speak but frowned when he saw her red face and the serious line of her mouth.

"Everything okay?" he asked worriedly.

Rowan barked in frustration, "I'm fine! Just leave me alone!" before pushing him to the side and running up the spiral staircase. As soon as she reached her room, she stormed past her roommates, who were all preparing for bed and gossiping, and made a beeline for the bathroom, tearing off her clothes and throwing herself into the shower. As she stood motionless under the water, the searing cold stream made her shiver, but it quickly warmed and the sound of falling water settled a quiet but sad calm in her.

She'd made a right fool of herself, and now, she'd have to apologize to Remus. Her jealousy was obvious, and she knew that he wasn't dumb enough to have missed it when she'd essentially screamed it at him. She just prayed that he'd take pity on her and pretend like it hadn't happened. After everything they'd been through, the thought of losing him as her best friend simply because she couldn't keep her feelings under control stung the backs of her eyes, and a few hot tears escaped and merged with the flowing water, trickling down the drain of the shower.

* * *

Remus stepped quietly into the Common Room after sitting out in the hallway for another minute after Rowan's sudden departure. The dark voice in him roared victoriously, deafeningly, at Rowan's blatant jealousy, but the shrill anger and hurt in her voice immediately sobered him. Perhaps he'd taken it too far. He admitted to himself silently that he'd allowed his newfound popularity with the girls go to his head – he'd always been overlooked in comparison to James and Sirius, and the sudden attention had been secretly thrilling. He didn't think Rowan would react so violently to it though.

As he looked around the Common Room, he noted that she'd gone to bed and sighed disappointedly. James, however, was standing close to the Portrait Hole and immediately grabbed Remus' attention. The dark-haired boy walked quickly up to Remus and asked, almost accusingly, "What happened to Winnie?"

Remus flinched at the sight of James furrowed eyebrows. His face rarely took on such a serious expression. "We just –" Remus began but realized quickly that he didn't know how to finish the statement. He paused to think for a moment then sighed. "I can't really explain it, Prongs. Can you just drop it for now?" While James had already assumed Remus' feelings for his oldest friend, Remus didn't feel comfortable yet telling him what had transpired between the two. The thought of Rowan's anger held him back.

James seemed to assess Remus, and though his face remained serious, his expression softened. "Okay," he conceded. "But if you fucked something up and I have to pick up the pieces, I swear I'm going to leave flobberworms in your bed every night until the day we graduate."

Remus grinned ruefully and responded, "Deal."

As he laid in bed thinking about how he'd approach Rowan the next day, he realized that he'd have to make his intentions clear. He hadn't planned on revealing his feelings so soon, but the obvious hurt he'd caused her made him rethink his strategy. He had secretly enjoyed the small twinges of jealousy that he'd seen on her face whenever he flirted with the other girls, but he'd never expected her to be so hurt by it and suddenly felt a pang of regret.

But then a grin spread across his face. _She had been jealous_. Her violent reaction to him tonight indicated that she at least felt some sort of romantic attraction to him, and his chest clenched tightly at the knowledge. The thought of confessing his feelings for her kept him awake for most of the night, and when he finally fell asleep in the early morning hours, he was warm with hope for the next day.


	22. Of Sardines, Trophies & Questions

**A/N:** I just love some UST. The best part is the chase! And maybe there's some action towards the end…? Hohohoho read on to find out!

As always, **PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 22: Of Sardines, Trophies, and Questions**

Unfortunately for Remus, the next morning did not fulfill his hopes from the night before – neither did the next or the one after, for that matter. Rowan had been blatantly running away from him at every turn. She'd started her old avoidance routine of waking up early in the morning and hiding in some corner of the library that he was unaware of, and each time he managed to catch a glimpse of her, she was in the middle of some group of girls and didn't want to embarrass her by calling her out.

But really, this was getting ridiculous. On the fourth day of their cat and mouse game, he was walking down the hallways during one of his free periods, mulling over his bad luck, when he heard Rowan's voice.

"- me alone!"

He rapidly turned the corner to see Rowan and Evan Rosier arguing in the hallway, wands at the ready. Rowan's face was full of rage, eyes blazing, and Rosier was smirking evilly at her, eyes narrowed. Both were so absorbed in their argument that they didn't see Remus.

"I swear to god, Rosier. If you don't leave me alone, I'll tear your face off!" she threatened venomously, anger sparking between her words, wand raised toward him.

Rosier just grinned. "You and I both know you're nothing without your little bodyguards, you blood traitor slut," he spat. "What do you pay them for their protection? I bet you let them get off all-"

Remus saw red, and before he could stop himself he was pointing his wand at Rosier and shouted, "_Sardina Nasus!"_

There was a flash of yellow light and sardines shot from the Slytherin boy's nose. He doubled over and grabbed his face with painful cries. He shouted something at the sight of Remus, but his words were muffled by the flopping of sardines around his face. Rowan looked up to see Remus, wand still pointed at Rosier, and her face contorted with an array of emotions that he couldn't decipher. He was about to open his mouth to say something, when the trio heard a booming voice.

"MR. LUPIN!"

Remus flinched and turned to see Madam Hooch storming towards them, eyes blazing with rage. He knew that he was in serious trouble and gritted himself against the coming verbal barrage.

"Fighting in the hallways! And _you,_ a _Prefect!_ I would expect this from your friends, but I expected better from _you!_" she bellowed.

She turned to Rowan, who flinched visibly under the older woman's glare. "_And you, Ms. Delacroix_! You should also know better! This is _no way_ for students of your standing to behave!"

Madam Hooch finally remembered Rosier, who still had sardines streaming from his nose, which were flopping around his feet wildly. Remus saw her lips twitch for a moment and thought he saw a flash of amusement in her eyes before she commanded, "_Finito!_" and the flow of sardines finally stopped. She vanished the fish away before starting in on the Slytherin, who still looked in a daze.

"_And you!_ This is the third time you've been caught dueling this year, _Mr. Rosier!_" she shouted. "_You_ will be coming with me to see the Headmaster!" She grabbed him by the collar of his robes before turning back to Remus and Rowan. "Fifty points from Gryffindor and detention for the both of you! This Friday night – you will be polishing the Quidditch trophies. _No magic_," she glowered before turning and dragging the sputtering Evan Rosier away.

The two Gryffindors were left reeling in the sudden silence left in the wake of Madam Hooch's departure, and Remus grimaced knowing that his housemates would certainly notice the missing fifty points, though he supposed he should be grateful that it hadn't been McGonagall who caught them – she would've deducted fifty points _each_. He looked up to see Rowan, still in a daze with her eyebrows furrowed and mouth in a severe line. Her book bag lay next to her feet on the floor, and she still gripped her wand. He wanted to say something to her, but just as he was about to open his mouth, the bell rang indicating the end of the class period, and the doors to the nearby classrooms burst open and a rush of chatter hit his ears.

The noise seemed to snap Rowan from her daze, and she looked about her, bewildered. Her face had turned red, Remus noted fondly, and as he moved forward to help her with her dropped bag, she snatched it up, looking up at him and blurted out, "Thanks!" before running off.

* * *

Remus didn't see Rowan again for the rest of that day and barely at all the next. Friday finally came, and he was strangely looking forward to his detention that evening – at least then he'd finally have a chance to talk with her. He'd received a note earlier in the day telling him to meet Madam Hooch in the Trophy Room at 8 p.m., and he hoped that she would leave him and Rowan alone so that they could speak in private.

He arrived a few minutes early to the Trophy Room to find that he was the first one there. As he placed his bag against the wall, he noted that the cases were already open with rags and containers of polish placed on the floor next to them. He heard the shuffling of light steps and turned toward the door just as Rowan emerged. She locked eyes with him, frowning, and just as he was about to greet her, he heard Madam Hooch.

"Ah, good, you're both on time," she said, stepping into the room briskly. You two will polish all of the Quidditch trophies without magic until you are done. No shortcuts," she glared. "You may leave after you are finished. I will be in my office if you need me." And with that, she turned and left as quickly as she came.

Rowan placed her bag against the wall far from Remus, and as he watched her walk dejectedly to the nearest case, he caught himself admiring the dim yellow light playing on her cheeks and the pout of her lips. He wanted to say something, but was struck suddenly by the fact that he didn't actually know _what_ to say, despite having spent the entire week trying to talk to her.

As she picked up a rag and set herself on the floor to get started on polishing, Remus rushed forward to sit with her. She looked at him from the corner of her eye, and he could see a bit of annoyance there. A part of him wanted to grin – while he hated that she was still upset with him, he couldn't help but admire the fire in her.

Forty minutes passed in silence, and they'd only finished one out of the four cases of Quidditch trophies – Remus was thankful that Madam Hooch hadn't ordered them to polish _all_ of the awards there. He'd followed Rowan as she got up to move to the next and saw the annoyance spark in her face again as he sat down next to her but still said nothing.

Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer and started, "Rowan, I-" he paused. She'd frozen, hand still and eyes wide, still staring at the trophy in her grip. "Rowan, I'm sorry."

He saw her hands tighten. "No, I-" she choked out, "I'm sorry." He looked at her, confused. She still hadn't looked at him, but her hands had begun to tremble slightly. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "I don't want things to change between us because of me, so please," she whispered, "Please just forget about what I said. I'll -" her bottom lip trembled as she paused, "I'll get over it soon. So _please_, just forget about it, okay?"

Remus' head pounded in panic, and he found his grip on the trophy in hands slip before tightening again harder. "No," he choked out.

Her head finally snapped toward him. Her eyes were wide with fear. Remus continued, "No, I can't just forget about it. I-" he stopped. Again, he didn't know how to continue. He was about to cross a huge line that he wouldn't be able to uncross, and his heart raced with fear. But he took a deep breath and continued, "I don't want to forget about it."

Her lip trembled again, and he saw her eyes welling up with shining tears. "Why?" she croaked. "I promise I won't let it get between us. I won't get jealous. You can be with whomever you want, so please-" she rambled rapidly.

There was a deafening roar in Remus' ears, and he dropped the trophy in his hands unceremoniously before grabbing Rowan's arm and pulling her towards him. She also dropped her trophy and fell into his lap ungracefully with a grunt. He straightened her up so that she was kneeling between his legs and looking straight at him. Her eyelashes were wet with tears, and the yellow light of the room made her skin glow.

"Just fucking stop and think, Rowan," he blurted out, reaching up to hold her face. Her hands were fisted against his chest. "It's you," he admitted, face searing. "It's _always_ been you. Can't you see that?" he breathed out in a rush. His stomach was churning, and his head pounded. His eyes searched her face frantically for some sign that she understood.

A few tears slipped from Rowan's eyes, and Remus brushed them away with the rough pads of his thumbs. Her eyes were still wide and confused, and her mouth trembled. He could see the thoughts rushing through her head, and he smiled.

"Winnie, your gears are showing," he said softly.

Her grip on his jumper tightened, and she choked out a small laugh and blinked away her tears, and the two chuckled softly together. Remus leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, relishing the sound of her soft breathing and the warmth of her skin and hair beneath his hands. When he opened his eyes and leaned back slightly to see her face better, her eyes were blazing, and he felt like he would burn under them.

"Remus, I-" she started, but then stopped. Her eyes darted down to his mouth for the briefest of seconds, and Remus felt his heart stop for a moment. As he leaned forward, he could feel her stiffen, but his grasp on her was firm. He paused, feeling her rushing breath against his lips, allowing her a moment to refuse him, but when he felt no resistance, his mind went blank and he closed the gap, pressing his lips gently against hers.

The dark voice within him roared.

* * *

The two finished up their detention more slowly than they should have. After holding her a bit longer and relishing the soft giggles that would escape from her throat as he pressed a few more kisses to her face, she pushed him away and unconvincingly declared that they needed to finish polishing the trophies.

A calm warmth settled between them in the silence. Remus would look over frequently to see her smiling giddily to herself, not looking at him, but with a blush across her cheeks, and Remus felt a wave of masculine pride spread through his chest at the sight of her glowing countenance. As they moved to the last case, he reached forward to grab her around the waist, spinning her around quickly and pressing her up against the glass. She sighed happily against him, fingers gripping the front of his robes, lips moving slowly against his. By the time he released her, her lips were quite swollen and her eyes were unfocused in a daze.

Remus grinned roguishly at her and whispered, "We should really get back to polishing. One more case, right?" She snapped herself from her daze and glared at him before pulling him down by the collar of his shirt and kissing him soundly. Then he felt himself being pushed back suddenly and missed the pressure of her mouth against his. She harrumphed and moved back to the floor, picking up a trophy and rag. He laughed and plopped himself next to her, pecking her on the cheek and picking up his own rag. He didn't think it was possible to be happier than he was that very moment.

* * *

They finally finished just before 11 p.m., and as they set off for Gryffindor Tower, Rowan shyly reached forward and laced her fingers between Remus'. He looked shocked for a moment before looking down at her and grinning. She felt her face burn again, but she grinned back at him.

Rowan's head was spinning. She couldn't believe any of this was happening considering her mindset when she walked into the Trophy Room earlier that evening, but when she squeezed Remus' hand and felt him squeeze back, she realized it was real. She still had so many questions, but she couldn't formulate anything coherent enough, so she resigned herself to the comfortable silence that had settled between them.

As they approached the Fat Lady, however, she began to panic. Surely, the other Marauders would still be up and start asking questions as soon as they saw them together like this. As she heard their impending questions racing through her head, she realized that she had no idea how to answer them. Remus, as if sensing her inner dilemma, stopped walking and looked down at her, concern written all over his face.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"I-" she started, her face burning again. "I don't know what-" she paused again. She had no idea how to ask this without sounding like an idiot and was desperately trying to collect herself.

Remus' face reddened suddenly as well, "You're not-" he started. "You're not regretting it, are you?" he asked quietly, hurt laced in his words.

"No!" she blurted. She was sure her face was bright red again. "No, it's not that. It's just that there will be people in there, and I don't know how to – how to explain all of this," she blurted out in a rush.

Remus looked confused for a moment, then understanding spread across his face. He suddenly also looked slightly embarrassed and ran a hand through his hair before starting. "Well, just tell them we're together now," he said blushing. Then a glimmer of panic flashed across his face. "That is what you want, right?" he asked nervously.

"Yes, of course!" she blurted out without thinking. Remus seemed to relax again. "I just – I didn't know," she admitted dumbly, feeling quite pathetic.

Remus smiled at her and turned, taking both of her hands in his. "This is new for both of us," he said slowly. "We've been best friends for a long time, but that this will be awkward at first because it's so different. But it doesn't change anything – we're still the same people. Let's just take our time, okay?"

Rowan nodded slowly as his words sank in, and she felt so much warmth towards Remus – her _boyfriend_, she thought disbelievingly – and she couldn't help but grin sheepishly at him. She couldn't believe how lucky she was.

"Okay," she breathed, beaming. His answering smile made her chest constrict, and he leaned forward to kiss her fiercely once more before leading them both back to the Common Room, where – Rowan thought excitedly – she was sure to have to answer some questions.


	23. Of Alexander's Downfall & Self-Control

**A/N:** Ahhh young love… This one is steamy, but it's not too explicit. That comes later.

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**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 23: Of Alexander's Downfall and Self-Control**

It was December, and a blanket of snow had fallen on the castle grounds. Rowan and Remus' new relationship was moving slowly but smoothly – they had adjusted to the changes with relative ease, and she'd become quite used to his familiar touches. She savored the jealous looks from the other girls in their house and had taken a liking to his new habit of kissing her in the halls at random intervals just "because he wanted to." She'd been slightly frustrated at the lack of surprise on her friends' faces when they'd revealed their new relationship, and even more frustrated when James had laughed at her, declaring that they'd all seen it coming for months. They already had planned to come back to Hogwarts for New Year's Eve with like the year before, and she was looking forward to having him to herself without the distraction of classes.

Unfortunately with the end of term arriving, the workload had prevented them from spending much time together in the recent weeks. Classes were finishing up, and the professors had piled on the schoolwork before the Christmas holidays. Some of the younger students had been having a difficult time adjusting to the stress, and Rowan found that her First Year tutoring sessions in the private library study rooms often became much more frequently requested at the end of term.

"Rowan, I still don't get it!"

Rowan looked across the table at the small First Year girl, who looked like she was about to cry with frustration over her Potions homework.

"It's okay, Claire, just break the equation down and remember the basics. What is Golpalott's Third Law?

Claire's face scrunched up with effort before reciting, "The antidote for a blended poison will be equal to or more than the sum of the antidotes for each of the separate components."

"Right, so you need to first break down the poison into its separate components. What are the poisonous ingredients for Alexander's Downfall?"

Claire's face scrunched up more. "White hellebore, Egyptian beetle shells, and essence of belladonna." Her face suddenly lit up. "Oh!" she exclaimed, turning to scribble down her answer. "Is this right?"

Rowan's eyes scanned over her now balanced equation and smiled brightly. "Yes! I told you you'd get it! You're going to be fine," she praised.

The First Year beamed at her before collecting her books to leave. Rowan also moved to start packing her things but saw a figure standing in the doorway. She looked up to see Remus leaning against the doorframe smiling at her.

"All done?" he asked.

"Yeah, just finished," she answered before turning to Claire. "Let me know how your exam goes, okay? You're going to do fine this week. Just remember to stop and think about the basics."

Claire nodded enthusiastically and thanked her before turning to the doorway. She blushed at Remus' grin, and as he held open the door for her, she tripped a little on her own feet and scurried out the door. Remus chuckled a little to himself once Claire was out of earshot, and Rowan rolled her eyes at him.

"Stop teasing the underclassmen. It's unbecoming, you man-whore," she berated him.

"Man-whore?" he said, looking pretend-affronted. "I'm insulted. I am nothing but a gentleman. You even said so to my mother."

Rowan snorted. "I should send her a letter and inform her that her son has become a philanderer and should be subjected to severe punishments," she teased.

"Hm, is that so?" he asked softly, still smiling. He closed the door behind him as he moved forward into the small room and pushed her up against the table gently.

"Remus! We can't here!" she gasped, cheeks reddening.

Remus grinned. "It's okay. It's just us. You have the room booked for another fifteen minutes. Besides, didn't you say I should be punished?" he asked softly, lifting her onto the table and situating himself between her thighs. He supported himself with one hand on the table and placed his other on her hip, thumb rubbing small circles at the bone there.

"Punished, not rewarded," she pouted weakly. He was still grinning at her, face dangerously close, and she wanted to push him away for his cheekiness but knew that she'd already lost.

"Tomato, tomahto," he smiled and closed the distance, kissing her softly.

As she felt his tongue trace her lips, she tangled her hands in his hair and realized how much she'd missed him over the past week. They'd been able to catch a few meals together, but between his Prefect duties, her tutoring sessions, and both of their schoolwork, all of their time together in private had been spent studying. The warmth of his chest against hers was at once soothing and frenetic, and the pressure of his hand at her hip sent a throbbing through her that she'd been feeling more frequently recently.

A whimper bubbled in her throat as he bit her bottom lip gently, and she heard a low growl from him in response. In a haze, she noted that things were becoming quickly more heated than their previous innocent kisses, but as she felt his lips attach themselves to her neck, she found that all of her thoughts were suddenly gone.

* * *

Remus was having a hard time restraining himself. He knew that they hadn't been together for long and he didn't want to rush her into anything physical too quickly, but the sounds that were spilling from her mouth sent his blood rushing south. It was taking all his self-control not to pull her hips to his, and he felt himself begin to throb. The taste of her skin made the wolf in him howl, and he suddenly wanted to know what she tasted like underneath, inside.

* * *

Rowan felt like she was burning. Remus was nipping gently at her pulse point and then soothing the nicks with his tongue, and when she felt his teeth move to the curve of her ear, she felt another moan slip from her throat and her hands pulled slightly in his hair impulsively. He groaned deeply and moved his mouth back to hers, tongue thrusting into her mouth possessively. She felt his hand slip from her hip and move down her thigh, hooking behind her knee and pulling her forward. Suddenly there was a delicious friction where their pelvises met, and she cried out into his mouth.

* * *

She wanted to kill him – he was sure of it. He'd gone against all of his better judgment and ground his pelvis into hers, but instead of pushing him away like he'd expected, she made this _noise_ that made him nearly lose himself and then her hips _pushed back_. He felt himself throb against her and thought desperately how close he was to being inside of her – he gripped her thigh as her skirt had ridden up slightly, and he wanted nothing more than to push it up past her hips and feel all of her.

_He needed to stop_, now, before he pushed her too far.

* * *

Suddenly, Rowan felt Remus' hands fall away from her, and she was very cold. She realized dumbly that he'd pulled away, and she opened her eyes to see him a couple of feet away, panting and eyes clenched shut. A muscle in his jaw twitched. She suddenly felt very empty, and she could tell her lips were swollen. Her body throbbed.

"Remus, what…?" she asked weakly, still unsure of what had transpired between them.

He put up a hand to silence her and then ran it through his hair. "Just give me a minute," he choked.

They were silent for a moment before he opened his eyes again. They were blazing, and Rowan blushed. His gazed softened before starting. "I'm sorry. It's just that we were going so fast, and it's too soon," he admitted. Rowan's face burned with embarrassment. He caught on and quickly continued lowly, "No, don't. Trust me, I want to – more than you could possibly know – but not like this, as tempting as it is." His gaze darkened and scanned over her, and Rowan suddenly realized how far her skirt had ridden up and the disheveled state of her robes. She scrambled to straighten her clothes out.

Remus smiled and let her sort herself out but never took his eyes off her. She thought she'd implode with embarrassment. When she felt like she looked presentable enough, she looked back up at him bashfully. His hair and robes were disheveled, and his lips were swollen. He looked thoroughly kissed, and she wanted to touch him again.

Remus' gaze darkened again, and she realized that he'd read her face and blushed again. He smiled at her expression and stepped forward, gently taking her face in his hands and kissing her softly before leaning back and continuing.

"I've wanted you for a long time, Winnie, but I'm willing to wait. This is something I want to do right, and I'm assuming you're not too experienced in these matters," he said softly, slowly, and he dropped his hands down to her waist.

Rowan blushed again before shaking her head and responding. "No," she admitted slowly, fidgeting nervously with his tie. "Alan and I… We certainly kissed and did some light touching, but it was never like that." Her face burned. "How far have you…? I mean, I know you met that girl over the summer…" she trailed off, too embarrassed to ask.

Remus grinned, a little embarrassed but also pleased that Alan had never seen her like this, had never touched her like this. "Renee taught me a lot," he admitted. "She all but took my virginity, but I wasn't ready for anything like that. I knew it wasn't right." He looked at her guiltily, and she felt her throat constrict. She felt a flare of jealousy knowing that he'd touched someone else in the way that he'd just been touching her.

Remus seemed to read her expression. "I was waiting because I wanted to save it for you," he said softly, smiling at her.

Rowan felt her face burn, and a bashful smile spread across her face. She reached up to touch his face, running her fingers lightly over the small scar at his upper lip, on his jaw. Remus gazed fiercely at her, his grip on her waist tightening.

"Let's take this slow. You can set the pace. I don't want you to doubt that I want you, but I want to do this right. You're worth taking my time," he said heatedly, and the sincerity in his eyes made her stomach flip.

"But what if I don't want to go slow?" she breathed quietly.

He exhaled a sharp breath from his nose, and his grip tightened on her waist. "How about you think about it some more? We've barely been together for two months. I just don't want you to regret anything," he said slowly. _Regret me_, he thought bitterly.

She smiled and shook her head. "I'll never regret this, being with you. I've wanted you for too long to turn back now," she said grinning. "But I will think about it. Thank you," she added softly.

He grinned at her, and she beamed before throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. She pulled back and leaned her forehead against his. "I'm quite lucky to have you, Remus Lupin," she said fiercely. His face looked like it could light all of Hogwarts, and as he leaned forward to kiss her, she thought her chest might burst.


	24. Of Risks, Biographies & Philanderers

**A/N:** Some more snogging and fluff, but not much plot I suppose… Though Remus does come clean with his parents.

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**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

**Chapter 24: Of Risks, Biographies, and Philanderers**

* * *

The end of term passed and the Marauders all went home for Christmas but excited for their New Year's Eve together. Remus and Rowan had promised to meet in Diagon Alley a few days before Christmas to exchange gifts and finish their holiday shopping, and Remus had decided that it was time to tell his parents about their relationship.

He was sitting at the dinner table listening to his parents talk about their various plans and scouring his mind for a way to bring the topic up. He was staring at his empty plate when he heard his father's voice address him, "Remus, is everything okay?"

Remus looked up and saw his parents looking concernedly at him. His head pounded, and he realized that this was as good of a time as ever. He took a breath and started, "Rowan and I are dating."

They both stopped eating and shared a worrying look before turning back to him.

"I had a feeling," his mother said quietly, sighing.

Lyall quickly glanced at his wife with confusion before turning back to his son. "Remus, are you sure that's a good idea?" his father asked slowly, mouth taut.

Remus sighed. "Look, I know it seems reckless, but she already knows about me, and she's already accepted it." His parents didn't look convinced. "She's the one who figured it out on her own. I tried to fight it, but it's no use."

"Remus, this isn't something you can take lightly," Lyall said seriously. "I know it's not right, but you're not like other boys." Grief flashed across his face momentarily before he continued. "Rowan is a brilliant girl, but you can't date her just because you think she understands you. You're risking more than just her friendship by doing this."

"I know that, Dad," he said quietly, but he continued firmly. "But it's more than just her understanding me. She's not just some flighty teenage girl – she's thought it through. For every argument that I've made she has a valid counterpoint, and honestly, don't I have the right to give this a shot? How many girls am I going to meet who will accept me for what I am? How many girls like _her_ will I meet at all?"

His parents looked at him seriously. "We know, dear, but we're just worried. You must understand," his mother said softly.

He sighed. "I know," he said, determined. "I know, but I have to do this – for myself. She's everything I've ever wanted, and if I don't take this chance with her then I'll regret it my entire life. Just knowing what I'll be facing after I graduate – I need to take this chance, and she's willing to take it with me." His eyes softened. "I'm going to keep seeing her whether you two approve or not, but I want you to understand that this isn't just some fling. She's real."

"But how can you be sure, Remus?" his father argued. "How do you know this isn't just a school romance? The chances of you two being together after you graduate are slim, and even if you do stay together that long, adulthood will be drastically different for the both of you. You are risking so much here."

"I know all of this, Dad," Remus said firmly, mildly frustrated. "But I've thought it through, and even if it doesn't last, I'll regret it if I don't at least try. Everyone will find out about me sooner or later anyway, but I've found someone who doesn't care about my condition and in fact _admires_ me for it. She's strong enough to accept what I am and everything that comes with it. If we don't work out, then that's fine, but at least I'll have known that I tried," he finished firmly.

Lyall assessed his son intently, and Remus felt like his stare would burn a hole through him. Finally, Lyall sighed, and Remus knew he'd won. "Alright," he relented. "If you're so determined to be with this girl, then I won't stop you. But I will warn you – just because things click now, it doesn't mean that they will later," he said seriously. "Things will get hard, very hard, and you need to prepare yourself for it. Rowan is a strong girl, but things change. People change." He looked at Remus fiercely, but then his gaze softened at the determined look on his son's face. "You really care about this girl, don't you?"

Surprise hit Remus at the sudden question, but as he thought about it, his answer became clear. "Yeah, I do," he said softly.

A sob erupted from Leanna Lupin's throat, and both of the men turned to look at her. She was gazing at her son with a fierce look of adoration. There were tears in her eyes, but she blinked them away before standing and all but threw herself at her son. She wrapped her arms around Remus' neck and let out another dry sob, running her hands through his hair. Remus felt a strong surge of affection for his mother, who suddenly seemed very small, and hugged her back fiercely.

When she pulled back, she took a deep breath and gazed at Remus lovingly. She held his face in her hands, rubbing her thumb against his cheek and smiling, almost sadly. He thought to himself that she looked very much a like a mother in that moment.

She then slapped him lightly on the cheek and said smartly, "You better treat that girl right. She's a gem."

He laughed, suddenly feeling very light, and responded, "She actually wanted me to tell you that she thinks I'm a philanderer," to which his mother laughed.

Lyall was frowning and looking at Leanna. "You said you had a feeling about this. How long have you known?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed.

Leanna winked at him and stood up, collecting their plates. "You just don't pay attention," she said cheekily before strutting into the kitchen, leaving Lyall looking confused and Remus laughing.

* * *

The next day, Remus stepped out of the fireplace in the Leaky Cauldron to meet Rowan in Diagon Alley. He stepped out of the inn and walked down the street toward Florean Fortescu's to see Rowan standing outside of the Magical Menagerie, where she was making goofy faces and waving a knut at a group of nifflers in the window, who were all squeaking at her and pawing frantically at the glass.

"Rude," he said teasingly.

She turned and grinned at the sight of him, bounding up and throwing her arms around his neck. He lifted her off her feet, earning a squeal of delight from her, and then put her down with a plop, leaning down and kissing her chastely. He looked at the group of nifflers over her shoulder and saw them staring at him intently.

"You seem to be quite popular," he joked, indicating to the thin creatures in the window. She turned and looked, then laughed.

"No, they just want this," she said, tossing her knut in the air dramatically, then catching it. The nifflers' heads followed the path of the knut as if hypnotized, and Remus laughed as well, grabbing the knut from her hand and shoving it into her coat pocket playfully.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked.

She thought for a moment. "Rosa Lee's? We can grab a cup of tea there and exchange gifts."

Remus nodded and grabbed her hand, leading the way.

The two spent about an hour catching up over two steaming mugs of tea and biscuits, exchanging gifts and gift ideas.

"What were you thinking about getting for your parents?" he asked, sipping at his tea. Rowan's cheeks were pink from the cold, and he admired the thick braid that she'd woven through her hair that day.

"I was going to pick up a new exotic plant for my mother, and I was thinking of getting that new Godric Gryffindor biography for my father. I'm not quite sure about Alfred, but I was thinking a nice scarf. He's been complaining about the cold recently. I've been teasing him that he sounds like an old man," she said grinning, taking a bite out of a chocolate biscuit. "What about you?" she asked.

"I was actually also thinking about getting that book for my father," he grinned. "As for my mum, I'm considering _Hogwarts, A History_. She's never really gotten the workings of our school, being a Muggle, so I thought it'd be an easier way for her to understand, rather than my broken explanations."

"Oh yeah, I always forget your mum's a Muggle," she said thoughtfully. "It must be cool to have both worlds – much more versatile. James and I try to go watch Muggle films sometimes, and it's all so confusing – took us the longest time to figure out what a gun was," she admitted sheepishly.

Remus laughed. "Should've taken Muggle Studies," he teased.

They exchanged presents casually, scooting their seats together to admire the other's gifts. Remus got Rowan a large bar of Honeydukes chocolate and a self-navigating binder that always opened up to the page that one was looking for, since she always had trouble keeping track of her notes from lessons and tutoring sessions. She gave him a stack of chocolate frogs and pair of wireless radio headphones that changed stations with a tap of the wand. She also pulled out a photo from her bag.

"Lacey Jones gave it to me. She apparently forgot to get this roll of film developed until just recently. I made her make two copies so we could each have one. I have to admit it's actually quite funny," she said, smiling.

It was a moving photo of them on the couch in the Common Room together from the year before. Their legs were a tangled mass, and she was struggling ungracefully to pull herself free from Remus' grasp. Remus was blinking sleepily and looking dazed. Finally, the Rowan of the picture broke free and tumbled off the couch and out of the frame, leaving a very bewildered Remus to look down at her, panicking. James and Sirius' figures had been waving at the camera and rubbing their faces together in mockery of the couple, then burst out into laughter as Rowan's figure fell. James even disappeared partially behind the couch, doubled over in laughter.

Remus grinned and looked up at Rowan. "Those two are idiots," he said fondly.

She laughed and nodded before packing up her new gifts and getting up to leave. As they stood, she wrapped her arms loosely around his waist and said warmly, "Thank you for the presents. I really love both of them."

He smiled and wrapped his arms around her shoulders and said, "Same," before leaning forward and kissing her softly.

* * *

They spent the rest of the afternoon walking from shop to shop. As they wandered the aisles of Obscurus Books, they came across a private corner of rare books. Remus mentioned lightly to her, "I told my parents about us."

She looked at him with a light look of concern on her face. "And?" she asked.

"Dad's mad at you," he teased. She looked confused. "He tried to convince me that I was making a mistake. I had to argue pretty hard that I knew what I was doing," he continued. "I think that once he sees us together, he'll change his mind. He's just worried about me."

Rowan's eyebrows furrowed. She expected some difficulty with both of their parents. She'd imagined Remus' father in particular would have reservations about their relationship – he seemed like a very serious man, and she'd gathered from their interactions that he was fiercely protective of his son. Her father was also a concern. Though her parents were open-minded people, she doubted he would be pleased to know that she was snogging a werewolf. Being a high-ranking Ministry official, he was very concerned with his public image, and his daughter dating a werewolf would probably spread rumors. Her mother had also worked very hard to raise Rowan properly – she would most likely not approve initially either but would be convinced with time, she was sure. All Carole Delacroix wanted was for Rowan to be happy, and she'd support her if she saw that Remus was her happiness.

"I see," she answered evenly. "Well, I'll just have to prove him wrong, right?" she said confidently. "What did your mother think?" she asked.

Remus grinned, "Oh, she was thrilled. She's adored you since she first met you. She even threatened to punish me if I treated you poorly."

Rowan laughed. "I knew your mother was a sensible woman. She knows you're a philanderer as well," she joked.

"Hm, really?" he said softly. The sly tone of his voice sunk in quickly, and she turned around, only to be pushed backward into a dark corner. As he pressed himself against her, she felt her cheeks go red, and she looked around them frantically to make sure no one else was around.

"Remus!" she whispered, panicking. "We're in a bookstore! You can't be serious!" She pushed at his chest, but he didn't budge. He placed a hand on her waist and drew slow circles there with his thumb, sending a wave of throbbing need through her.

"Remus!" she whispered again desperately, though it had definitely lost its edge.

"Hm?" he murmured softly.

His face was in her hair, inhaling deeply, and her senses were completely full of him. He pulled back slightly, his mouth slowly moving to hers, but just hovering above it, letting their breath mingle. She could nearly feel him, and when he grinned at her desperation deviously, she couldn't stop the whimper that escaped from her throat, causing him to push his lips to hers.

He turned her head, cradling it, so he could better access her mouth. Her hands were locked between them, gripping his jumper tightly, and she could feel his other hand at her hip, which snuck boldly upward, underneath her blouse. As she felt his calloused hands against the sensitized skin of her waist, she moaned breathily into his mouth, and his grip on her tightened in response. He kissed her deeply and thoroughly for a few more minutes, pressing a thigh between hers and groaning at the small noises of pleasure that she emitted.

When he finally pulled away, Rowan was left, once again, in a panting daze. She couldn't focus her eyes on anything in particular and her chest was heaving. There was a tension in her that throbbed, and she desperately felt close to something that she couldn't describe. She noted, finally, Remus' rough fingers still gripping her beneath her shirt and his legs still tangled with hers. He was leaning an arm against the wall behind her, caging her in, and her hands were still balled tightly in his jumper.

She looked up at him and saw his eyes blazing, and she licked her lips absentmindedly at the sight of his own swollen mouth. She saw his eyes darken, which sent a rush through her.

"You have no idea what terrible things I'd do to you," he said darkly, and she could feel her legs tremble.

But before she could answer, he peeled himself from her, and she was left feeling empty again. She limply watched him adjust her clothes and attempt to straighten her hair before giving up and grinning at her ruefully.

"You might have to re-braid your hair. It seems I got carried away," he said sheepishly.

She reached her hands up to feel at her hair and noted the mess of strands sticking out at odd angles from the braid. She groaned and removed her elastic, letting it unwind before re-parting it and set to weaving it again. As she quickly braided it, Remus moved away to pick up their belongings, and returned holding out her bag.

As she took it, she remembered something from before. "Do you want me to tell my parents?" she asked carefully.

He turned to her and seemed to consider it. "Of course, I'd like them to know that we're dating," he said evenly. "But whether you tell them about my condition is your choice, I suppose. I imagine you should tell them eventually, but I know it's a hard thing to discuss. If you want to wait, that's fine. I think I'd actually prefer it if you did, though I can understand if you don't feel comfortable keeping it from them. It is a big deal."

She nodded. "I won't tell them yet about your furry friend then. They don't need to know right away, and even if I did tell them, it wouldn't change how I feel about you," she said.

He smiled at her warmly before leaning forward and kissing her softly. When he leaned back, she saw that fire in his eyes again, and though she didn't blush – she'd been getting better at controlling her reactions – she felt her chest constrict.

"Ah, there's that book!" Remus suddenly exclaimed.

Rowan turned her head to see what Remus was looking at and saw a few copies of _Godric Gryffindor: Warrior, Visionary, and Legend_. She grinned at the sight of his smug look and picked up two copies for the both of them. As they walked toward the entrance to buy their respective books, she reached forward and laced her fingers with his, smiling up at him brightly and familiarly warm under his gaze.


	25. Of Piles, Girl Talk & Dark Promises

**A/N:** Some fluff and Marauder mayhem. Fun for everyone! Also a little bit of action and promises of more later!

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW. COME ON!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 25: Of Piles, Girl Talk, and Dark Promises**

Once again, Rowan arrived second after Mina to the Three Broomsticks. She was seated at the same table as she had been the year prior, book propped open with a butterbeer. Rowan smiled at the sight before moving to join her.

"Winnie! How was Christmas?" Mina asked as she saw her friend approach.

"It was good! Peaceful – I got to see Remus about a week ago, which was nice, but otherwise just hung out at home with my mum and Alfred," she replied. "You?"

Mina grinned. "Chaotic – Will is a raging ball of crazy right now. He turns eleven in February and has been out of control waiting for his Hogwarts owl to arrive. Mum is about to murder him."

Rowan laughed. "I forgot he'll be coming next year. That's exciting. I can't wait to meet him," she said warmly. "Better keep him away from James and Sirius – I feel like that's a bad combination."

Mina stiffened slightly at the sound of Sirius' name, and Rowan raised an eyebrow. "What's going on with you two?" she asked cautiously.

"What?" Mina responded quickly. "Nothing. Why would there be?" Her answer was too rushed to be true.

"Uh-huh," Rowan said with a suspicious look but said nothing else.

Mina and Sirius hadn't spoken much all term, but she and Remus had both noticed the awkward stiffness in Mina's shoulders every time he was around her. He, however, had changed drastically in his approach towards her. Though Rowan still caught him stealing glances her way every once in a while, he'd basically completely left her alone all term. Even on the rare occasions when they spoke, he was nothing but polite, if not a little on the stiff side, as opposed to his previous tendency of throwing insults or inappropriate compliments at the brunette. He had also brushed off Rowan's inquiries, so she'd dropped it, but their strange behavior still raised questions that she wanted answered.

There was a flash of green light, and a series of grunts and thuds sounded from the fireplace. The girls turned to see both James and Sirius in a heap on the floor. James was draped over Sirius, face-up and back arched painfully, whereas Sirius' torso seemed to be twisted, forcing his face into the floor. They were both covered in soot.

Rowan burst into laughter at the two of them and walked over slowly to help them to their feet, still laughing. "What the hell happened to you two?" she asked.

Sirius groaned and rubbed his cheek, sitting up from the floor. "Well, we wanted to know what would happen if we flooed at the same time," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, not one of our best ideas. I think we might have touched _parts_ during the trip," James admitted, shaking out his shirt of soot and ruffling his hair. They still sat on the floor, next to the fireplace.

Rowan snorted. "How charming," she said sarcastically. The two glared at her before there was another flash of green light, and Rowan jumped to the side just in time to see them collapse again to the floor, joined by a third figure, whom Rowan identified as Peter. He was sitting almost serenely on top of them.

"Oh, Prongs, Padfoot! What're you doing on the floor?" he asked innocently, looking around him confused. They both groaned, mumbling rude things under their breath. Rowan was beside herself with laughter.

"You know, Remus isn't here yet. It'd probably be a good idea –" Rowan started.

But then there was another flash of green light, and another figure collapsed on top of them, earning a shouting grunt from Sirius, who was on the bottom.

"_What the fuck!"_ Remus exclaimed, wrenching his arm from beneath Peter's leg with a groan. "Seriously, you guys? What the hell is going on here?" He scrambled to his feet, noticing Rowan's heavy laughter.

"Seriously, _get off!_" groaned Sirius, flailing his limbs trying to maneuver himself from beneath the pile. Peter squeaked and hopped off of James, who inhaled loudly, gasping as Peter had been sitting on his chest.

"Oh, sorry, James!" apologized Peter.

"S'okay," he gasped, rolling off of Sirius who crawled a good distance from the fireplace before sitting up and collecting himself with a groan. "I think I might've broken a rib," he whined.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. Let's go!" he said, prodding James lightly in the side with his foot, who whimpered lightly.

Rowan's laughter had finally died down, and she looked back at the table to see Mina, who was gazing intently at Sirius with an indecipherable expression. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and she was biting her lip seriously, leaning forward. Rowan caught her eye and grinned at her, and Mina looked embarrassed at being caught, a surprising blush rising to her face momentarily before looking away.

"Thank god we'll all be able to Apparate by this time next year," Rowan heard a grumble. She turned to see Remus next to her, running a hand through his hair distractedly and looking disgruntled at his friends, who were quite a mess. His sleeves were rolled up, revealing sinewy scarred arms, and the smudges of soot on his face somehow made him even more appealing. She stood and admired him blatantly, not self-conscious of being caught, for once.

Finally, he turned and saw her staring at him. "What're you looking at, Delacroix?" he asked suggestively, raising an eyebrow at her.

She grinned. "You need a shower," she said cheekily.

He grinned slowly before wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her against him. "Care to join me?" he murmured lowly, and a shot of heat flared through her.

"Ewww!" they heard a whine. They both turned and saw James, still on the floor, staring at them with a screwed up face. "Not in public, please!" he complained.

"Think of the children!" Sirius added in a high-pitched womanly voice, also still on the floor.

Remus laughed heartily but turned back and kissed Rowan soundly, earning groans from the two dark-haired boys. Rowan could feel his soft chuckles rumble in his chest, and she smiled against his mouth. When he pulled away, he had a grin that made her stomach flip, and he spoke lowly, "I missed you this week."

She grinned and replied, "Same." Then she scrunched up her nose at him and groaned, "You're getting me dirty! You have to take a shower before you touch me again!" She pushed him away, but he held tight, laughing, and pulled her back, rubbing his sooty face against hers. She squealed and tried to break free from his grasp, both giggling before James broke it up.

"Okay, you two. Save something for after the wedding!" he said, jokingly.

"Think of the children!" Sirius exclaimed again in his womanly voice.

Rowan rolled her eyes but smiled. "Up to the castle?" she asked, and the six of them moved toward the entrance, all hungry and excited about dinner in the Great Hall.

* * *

When they arrived in the Common Room, Rowan moved to take her things up to the dorms but felt an arm snake around her waist again. She looked up expecting to see Remus, smiling, and he grinned down at her. "Meet back here in an hour?" he asked.

She laughed and pushed at him playfully. "Of course!" she said, exasperatedly. "Now, go shower!"

He grinned boyishly at her before planting another solid kiss on her cheek and speeding off to the boys' dorms. She grinned after him and continued up to her room, grin still plastered on her face as she entered it.

Once again, her roommates hadn't come back yet, and she was glad for it – even though she often enjoyed their envy towards her about Remus, she felt that it would cheapen her happiness at that moment. She wanted to savor it. As she unpacked her bags, she heard a knock at the door and saw Mina smiling down at her, and she grinned at the déjà vu.

"You got something there," she said, pointing to her cheek.

Rowan reached up to wipe away at what she assumed was soot. "Got it?" she asked. Mina laughed and shook her head. She tried a few more times to Mina's amusement but eventually gave up, running to the bathroom to wash it off.

When she came back, Mina was lying on her bed, looking at the ceiling calmly. She noticed Rowan walking back, and she scooted over to make room for her. The dark-haired girl laid down next to her and they shared an amiable silence for a moment before Mina started.

"So you and Remus," she said open-endedly. Rowan was still looking up at the ceiling, but she could hear the smile in Mina's voice.

"Me and Remus," she responded happily. She was slightly embarrassed at her obvious delight.

"It seems you're doing well together," Mina continued.

"Yep," Rowan confirmed cheerfully, thinking about his soot-stained cheek and the boyish grin he'd left her with.

"Have you guys…" Mina asked slowly, and Rowan's face burned at the implication.

"No, no, not yet," she said quickly.

"But you want to…" Mina suggested, and Rowan's face burned more, knowing what her answer was.

"Yeah, kind of," she admitted. "We talked about it and agreed to go slowly, but it's hard. I can't keep my hands off him," she said with a light laugh.

"I hadn't noticed," Mina said lightly. Rowan could hear the smile in her voice again.

"What about you?" she asked, curious. "I know you dated Johnson last year, but I never asked how things actually went with you two." She suddenly felt apologetic.

Mina shrugged. "We did stuff, but I did more with Liam over the summer. Didn't go all the way though," she admitted matter-of-factly. "I don't think he was very good though, not that I have much to compare it to," she laughed.

Rowan laughed back. "I've never thought about it like that. My head goes completely blank when Remus touches me," she admitted sheepishly.

Mina smiled again. "I think that's a good sign," she said lightly.

They laid in silence for a bit more before moving to go back down the stairs, where the Marauders were already waiting, looking impatient.

"About time! I was about to send a dungbomb up the stairs to get you to come down!" James exclaimed, jumping to his feet.

"Wouldn't a dungbomb in the stairs just encourage us to stay _in_ our rooms?" Mina asked smartly, raising an eyebrow.

Sirius suddenly let out an unexpected bark of laughter but then suddenly looked very embarrassed, as did Mina. Luckily, James didn't seem to notice.

"Yeah, I suppose that's true. I'll have to rethink my strategy for next time," James admitted thoughtfully. But then his face perked up. "Let's get food!" he exclaimed, rushing for the Portrait Hole, dragging Mina by the arm.

The other two moved towards the door more slowly. Rowan stood slightly to the side to let them pass as she waited for Remus to join her before setting off. He was clean again, except for a single smudge on his cheekbone, which Rowan noted was her favorite from before.

"You still got something there," she said cheekily.

Remus grinned. "Yeah, it wouldn't come off," he admitted before taking her hand in his and kissing her chastely, heading toward the Portrait Hole.

* * *

The party this year wasn't as raucous as the one before, but there were more people – about thirty-five. Rowan didn't stay by Remus' side the entire night - choosing to jump from person to person, as she was wont to do – but the constant feel of his presence and their occasional shared glances kept her comfortable throughout the evening and at a low but constant state of heat. She could tell by his clumsy posture and affectionate touches that he was slightly tipsy, and she teased him with suggestive touches at his hips or lower stomach the entire night, also uninhibited by her slight inebriation. Each time she'd graze him, he'd shoot her a heated look that said that he knew it was intentional, and a part of her could feel a dark promise whispered silently between them.

Mina had been receiving attention throughout the night from various boys, per usual, but Rowan noted that she only seemed vaguely aware of it. She'd spent the evening stealing quick glances across the room at Sirius, who had been carrying on drunkenly with the Marauders as he usually did at parties, and Rowan finally dumbly recognized the signs of blatant attraction. She mused sadly that Sirius didn't seem to share the same feelings anymore and thought of the cruelty of irony. It was too bad – she didn't know how well a relationship would've worked out between the two of them, but it would've been entertaining as hell.

When the Gryffindors gathered to start their countdown, Remus pulled Rowan tightly against him and grinned roguishly at her. She beamed at him and wrapped her arms around him, settling her hands dangerously low on his back. His eyes burned through her, and she knew she would probably be pushed into a dark corner sometime before the night was over.

When midnight struck, Remus kissed her slowly, deliberately, letting the heat between them linger, and when he pulled away, Rowan thought she might implode with need. He grinned at her suggestively then leaned forward to whisper in her ear, "Later," before letting her go, leaving her feeling cold and bereft.

People started trickling out about an hour after midnight, and Rowan found herself impatiently glancing at Remus frequently, wondering what he had planned. He would just smirk at her and let his gaze run over her slowly until her face burned red. Finally, the other three Marauders passed out, once again, in the Common Room, this time all on the floor huddled together closely. Mina went to bed looking slightly disappointed, and Rowan was left with a sobering Remus, who had pinned her against the edge of a table.

She bit back a moan as he slipped a thigh between hers and ground against her suggestively, skimming his lips up the length of her neck, though never quite touching. She was holding tightly to his waist – her hands had snuck up underneath his shirt to feel the smooth expanse of muscle there, and she suddenly wanted to follow that line of soft hair that she'd first noticed on his lower stomach exactly a year before.

"Spend the night with me," she heard his whisper darkly, and as she pulled back to look at his intense stare, she already knew what her answer was. She nodded shortly, and he grinned triumphantly, grabbing her hand suddenly before leading her up the stairs to the boys' dorm.


	26. Of Pooling Heat & Nostalgia

**A/N:** **This chapter is rated M**, though there's a bit of cute fluff at the end. Things get pretty explicit, so if you don't want any of that, MOVE ON to the next one!

I've also just resigned myself to the fact that I won't be satisfied till the story is written completely, so I guess I'll continue to update quickly. Thanks again to everyone who's been following along!

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW. COME ON!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 26: Of Pooling Heat and Nostalgia**

Rowan again felt that charged energy entering the Marauders' room as she had the year before. As she approached Remus' bed, she turned to see him, locking the door and stalking towards her with something predatory in his gaze. That throbbing between her thighs returned again, and when he reached to pull her against him, she felt her body burn.

Just when she thought he'd kiss her, he stopped and said quietly, "We don't have to do anything too serious tonight, Winnie. I understand if you're not ready." She looked up at him hesitantly, heart pounding and could see the solemnity in his face.

"But I –" she started but stopped. She wasn't exactly sure what she wanted, but she _needed_ something! He'd set a low simmer in her throughout the night and if he backed away, she'd probably implode.

Rowan could see the conflict swirling in Remus' face, the muscle in his jaw twitching before he began again, "How about this – we keep going, and you tell me what's good and when you want me to stop. Then I promise I'll stop, but you _have_ to tell me when you're at your limit, okay?"

She was embarrassed momentarily at how frantically she nodded, but when he grinned at her and brought her face to his, she no longer cared.

He kissed her slowly again, as he did at midnight, allowing the slow pooling of heat to develop in her belly before spreading hotly through her legs. He had one hand tangled in her hair and the other at her hip, tracing small circles at the bone there. She'd fisted her hands at the hem of his shirt before bravely moving them up and under, earning a gasp from him. The deep rumbling in his chest sent a shot of heat through her and she suddenly wanted to touch more of him.

But suddenly, he hooked his fingers behind her thighs and lifted her up. She shrieked in surprise and clung to his shoulders in a panic. He laughed and maneuvered them to his bed, where he sat and allowed her to straddle his lap before moving his mouth back to hers.

His tongue slipped between her lips again, stroking slowly and softly. She felt his hands still on her thighs, kneading the muscle there, and she suddenly ached to feel them move higher, all over. Rowan slid her hands into his hair, tangling her fingers in it and scratching his scalp with her nails lightly, earning a groan from the back of his throat, which she relished.

As if reading her thoughts, she felt his hands tentatively move up her thighs, squeezing and rubbing slowly but desperately, and she experimentally pushed her pelvis toward his.

She felt him choke a strangled groan into their kiss, and his grip on her thighs flew to her hips, clenching there almost painfully. She moaned at his reaction and rocked her hips forward again, noting with a burning face the hard length there. The ache within her deepened, and she needed something desperately but couldn't figure it out.

She pulled away slightly, panting lightly and whispered against his mouth, "Remus, please, I need…" she trailed off, not exactly sure _what_ she needed.

His hands at her hips clenched again. He exhaled sharply through his nose before grabbing her rear and shifting them both quickly to the head of his bed, where he propped himself up against his headboard with her still straddling his lap. He pulled her forward to kiss him again, and she noted his hands creeping up her back, underneath her shirt. She savored the feeling of his callouses against her skin, and when she felt his fingers run tentatively over the clasp of her bra, she kissed him harder, rocking her hips against him again.

He let out a strangled groan, and she heard him inhale sharply before he pulled away. She thought she might combust under his intense gaze, and she could see a question there. His hands were gripping her waist beneath her shirt tightly, and she suddenly realized what he was asking. She blushed but slowly moved her hands from his hair, lifting her arms ever so slightly. He took her movement as a sign of permission, and he slowly pushed his hands upward, taking her shirt with them.

As soon as she felt the air hit her back and chest, she felt embarrassed by her sudden exposure and pulled her arms in reflexively to hide her chest. He caught her wrists gently, but firmly, and leaned forward to kiss her reassuringly before pulling back and whispering against her mouth, "No, let me see you."

She nodded shakily before moving her arms down, and he leaned back against the headboard again, looking at her heatedly from heavy-lidded eyes. She felt her skin burn with embarrassment but forced her arms to remain by her sides.

"Shit…" he breathed before shifting forward again to capture her lips with his own.

Their movements suddenly took on a more frantic rhythm, and as he moved to shift his mouth downward to her neck, she suddenly wanted to touch more of him. She gripped at his back and tugged his shirt upward tentatively. He leaned back and flashed a grin at her that made her smile shyly before reaching to his collar and pulling it over his head.

As she felt the heat of his skin touch hers, they both groaned, and she thought her skin might burn at the newfound contact. It was all too much, she thought, but as she felt his teeth at her collarbone, she gasped and clung her hands to the cords in his back, trying to memorize each tendon, each scar.

He groaned and moved back to her mouth, and she suddenly felt his hands sliding slowly up her sides, where they brushed the sides of her chest, and she suddenly wanted more. Her hips jerked in response, and she heard him inhale sharply before boldly palming her left breast, both groaning.

* * *

She had no idea it'd be like this. They had barely done anything, she noted logically, but every new touch made her want to push further, and she wanted to crumble beneath his hands. This was starkly different than what she'd felt with Alan – he had been just as passionate, but when he touched her, a small voice within whispered that it was all wrong, and the lack of spark when she'd given him her first kiss left a bitter disappointment in her chest. With Remus, it was boiling and burning, and each touch, each movement of lips on skin left her reeling and aching, and she thought happily that he might consume her.

He was now kissing her and kneading both breasts gently, skimming his thumb over her hardening nipples through her bra, and she was surprised at the surge of impatience that she felt. _More, more_, she thought, and eventually, she bravely reached behind her to unclasp her bra.

* * *

Remus Lupin thought he'd died and gone to heaven. There was no way Rowan Delacroix was straddling him in his bed, hips rocking against him and making those _noises_. God, those noises! Her skin burned beneath his hands, and he marveled at the softness of her thighs, her breasts. He wanted desperately to thrust into her, make her unravel with his name on her lips, but he gritted his teeth and tried to force down his arousal, which was quite the losing battle, he mused, considering the attentions he was receiving from the dark-haired girl in his lap.

But then she'd surprised him and reached behind her back, unclasping her bra. He suddenly felt it hanging looser around her, and as he tentatively pulled his hands from her chest, the article of clothing fell away with them and his mind went blank momentarily.

She was blushing and looking down at him with such heat that he marveled at how this could possibly be new to her. She still had a look of nervousness about her, but he noted how she'd kept her arms down by her sides, and he saw by the look in her eyes that she _wanted_ him to look at her, to touch her. He felt his loins clench painfully.

When he slowly reached up to touch her bare skin, she gasped and pressed herself instinctively into his hands, and the dark voice within him screamed. He ran the rough pads of his thumbs gently along the curve of her breasts, the underside, making her shiver, and when he experimentally flicked her hardening nipple, she threw her head back and whimpered in a way that made his pupils dilate.

Something in him broke – he needed to feel her, to _taste_ her.

* * *

Rowan was gasping. The feel of his hands on her breasts had been unexpected, to say the least. When she felt him flick her nipples, a jolt of electricity shot down between her thighs, and the ache that had been raging within her reached a new high. She desperately needed release, and when she felt herself being pushed back onto the mattress, she felt his bare chest cover hers and she moaned into his mouth, her pelvis jerking against the thigh that he'd slipped between hers.

She felt his mouth move hotly down her neck, and then she felt his tongue tracing between her breasts and along the sensitive underside. She desperately wanted him to stop teasing her, and she let out a frustrated groan, hearing his rumbling laugh against her stomach. She looked up and saw him grinning up at her before moving his mouth to her right breast, flicking her nipple with his tongue gently before taking it into his mouth.

_It was too much!_ She let her head fall back again and noted the desperate tone of her whimpers absentmindedly. He growled against her breast before moving to the next one, biting it gently, and she realized suddenly that he was unfastening the top button of her jeans.

She froze. He must have felt it because he pushed himself up her body to kiss her gently before looking at her. "Just trust me," he said softly, and before she had time to think about it, she felt herself nodding eagerly, to which he grinned triumphantly.

He pulled away and unzipped her pants, sliding them off of her legs slowly, his hands leaving a scalding path down her thighs and calves. She felt very naked beneath his gaze and wanted to hide herself but forced her arms still when she saw the dark look on his face as he stared down at her. His hands were on her knees, still straddling one leg, and she took the time to admire the lean definition of his chest and arms. She saw that light trail of hair that remained a fixation and wanted desperately to follow it downward.

He snaked back up her body and kissed her slowly before pulling away slightly. "You have no idea what you do to me," he whispered heatedly. His hands resumed their touching at her chest, gently pulling and tweaking her nipples, and she frantically was running her hands up and down his back. The ache in her was building again, and she impatiently wanted to feel _more_ of him, reaching down to the fastening of his pants until he slapped her hands away. She groaned in frustration into his mouth, and she felt him grin against her lips. "Later," he promised before returning to his slow assault.

Then she felt his hands trail away from her chest, burning their way down her stomach to her hips, where they squeezed the soft flesh there before sliding beneath her and kneading her rear boldly, growling softly. They slid back around to her upper thigh, running a teasing finger along the edge of her underwear, right at the junction of her left thigh, and she shivered against him, hips jerking. She felt him grin again. He moved his lips down to her neck, and she whispered, "Remus, please!"

She felt him grin again against her skin before continuing his teasing. She writhed and jerked, wanting to feel the pressure of his hands, but he kept his touches light and along the edges of her underwear. Her frustration sent a surge of boldness through her, and she shot her hand down between them and grabbed him through his pants. He grunted in surprise before letting out a strangled moan as she quickly pulled the zipper down and thrust her hand beneath, squeezing him and marveling at his heat. She ran her hands along the hard length experimentally before grasping it and tugging it gently.

"_Rowan! Fuck!" _he gasped. The sound of him saying her name like that sent a fire through her and she tugged again, savoring the choking gasp from him. He suddenly moved his hand and pushed a thumb against a spot between her legs that both relieved and multiplied that hot ache within her with a jolt, and she let out a strangled cry in response. She heard him growl, "_Again,_" before running a finger over the seam of her lips, and her hips jerked, crying out again.

She squeezed his hardness again, and he roughly pushed her panties aside before slowly covering his fingers in the wetness that had accumulated there, groaning. Gently spreading her, she felt her mind go white as he slowly pushed a single finger into her, stretching her experimentally, and her hips shook violently. She tugged again at his cock and she heard him breathe, "Faster, Rowan. Harder." She nodded dumbly and began a fast pace, jerking her hand up and down his length, while he began to thrust his finger gently into her, massaging against her front wall that made her cry out. He then covered his thumb with her fluids and gently pushed against that electric spot again, and she could feel all of her muscles begin to tighten.

Both of their movements and breathing were erratic, and she knew she was so close to something – _so close_. He leaned forward and took her lips again, kissing her desperately before whispering against her mouth, "Come for me, Rowan," and with another few thrusts of his fingers and a flick of his thumb, she felt all of her muscles spasm, clenching down on his fingers, and he swallowed her desperate cries. She continued to squeeze him, and she felt him choke and jerk against her, her hand suddenly covered in a sticky fluid.

He collapsed half on her, and they gasped for breath. Rowan could feel him pull his hand away from her underwear, and she ached satisfactorily, feeling the spasms of her muscles begin to fade. A warm exhaustion settled through her, and she looked over to Remus, face still buried in her neck and arm draped over her. She noted amusedly that her hand was still grasped gently around his quickly softening length. She laughed lightly and pulled her hand away from him slowly, earning a soft grunt, placing it gingerly on her stomach, ignoring the stickiness there.

After a few moments of comfortable silence, he stirred and, with effort, pushed himself upward to kiss her. His slid his lips against her languorously before reaching for his wand and pointing it at her hand, muttering "_Tergeo_." The stickiness was suddenly gone, and she flexed her hand instinctively before turning slightly to look at him.

He was looking at her with that blazing look again, and she smiled gently at him, feeling extremely calm. He seemed to scan over her face before speaking softly, "Was that okay?"

She grinned lightly but said nothing, leaning forward to kiss him slowly, lazily. She pulled back and there was a look of satisfaction on his face. She laid her head back down and said teasingly, "I certainly wouldn't mind doing it again sometime."

A grin spread across his face and he leaned forward, rolling her onto her back and kissed her slowly, deeply. She sighed into his mouth and brought her hands up to his face, tangling one in his hair and cupping his cheek with the other.

When he pulled away, she was slightly breathless again, and he grinned roguishly at her before moving to collect her clothes for her. She suddenly felt very shy, covering her chest slightly as he watched her sit up, a possessive look in his eyes. He then moved to his dresser and pulled out a t-shirt and pair of baggy sweatpants, handing them to her. "Stay here the night?" he asked, almost bashfully.

She couldn't help but smile at his sudden shyness and nodded, pulling the pants and shirt on. She felt very silly but strangely warm in his baggy clothes, and he seemed to glow at the sight. As they crawled into his bed, he pulled her against him so that she was cradled into the crook of his shoulder, and she curled an arm around him, feeling incredibly warm. She then felt his hand reach around and quickly squeeze her breast, and she laughed, hitting him lightly in the chest.

"You know I first noticed your breasts that morning in the Great Hall last October? I'd just come back from my monthly," he said grinning.

"What!" Rowan exclaimed, looking up at him with bewildered eyes. "_That's_ when you noticed? I've had them since Third Year!"

Remus leaned back and grinned. "Yeah, that was a good morning," he said dreamily. "You'd avoided me the entire day before," he remembered, frowning. "You and Sirius had a bit of a row."

Rowan felt her face burn at the memory and avoided his gaze, choosing to finger at the neckline of his shirt. She saw him wrap his fingers around her wrist and lift his head to look down at her. "What's wrong?" he frowned.

"We didn't row," she mumbled, face still burning. "I- I said something, and he guessed that I fancied you. I got really embarrassed and couldn't face you when you came back," she admitted, still not looking at him.

His grip on her wrist tightened, and he rolled them over suddenly, propping himself up on his elbow and staring down at her grinning. Her face was still red, and she was fixedly staring still at his neckline.

"Really?" he asked, face alit. "Even then?" His voice was laced with barely hidden mirth.

She kept her eyes fixed, not looking at his face, and she wanted to curl up into a ball with embarrassment. Remus' face suddenly seemed to absorb the knowledge. He assessed her for a moment and asked, "Since when?"

Rowan buried her burning face in his shoulder with embarrassment and mumbled something incoherent. He laughed and rolled her back, making her look at him. Her eyes were glowing, and her cheeks were red, mouth pulled taut. Finally, she relented, "Since the beginning of Fourth Year."

His eyes blazed for a brief moment before softening, and he gazed at her searchingly before leaning over and kissing her gently. When he pulled back, he said softly, "I had no idea. It never even occurred to me that you'd ever even look at me that way." Then he looked embarrassed. "Rowan, I-"

She shook her head. "No," she interrupted quickly. "No, I know you didn't feel the same way until just recently, and that's fine. You don't need to feel bad about it." She still felt a pang of embarrassment.

Remus squeezed her hand gently and shook his head. "No," he corrected her. "I've felt this way for over year, but before then, I'd never even allowed myself to hope that anyone, let alone someone like you, would ever look at me that way."

This time, she smiled and leaned up to kiss him, and they moved together gently before she pulled away suddenly to yawn. Remus laughed. "Tired?" he asked lightly. Rowan nodded, and he rolled back to allow her to cuddle into his shoulder again.

"Happy New Year, Remus," he heard her mumble sleepily, and he smiled and squeezed her gently.

"Happy New Year, Rowan."


	27. Of Quills & Strategic Friendships

**A/N:** This is a short one about our dear friend the redheaded Prefect. Girl's got it bad.

**REVIEW MEEEE.**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 27: Of Quills and Strategic Friendships**

Out of all of Rowan's friends in her year, Lily Evans turned seventeen first.

After their conversation over breakfast the year before about Carla Privy's family, they hadn't spoken much of the war besides a few small conversations here and there about a few stories in the _Daily Prophet_. Rowan had nearly forgotten about the war in the blissful haze of her relationship with Remus, but as the weeks of January slipped by, she realized that Lily's birthday was quickly approaching, reminding her of Lily's promise to join Dumbledore's army.

Rowan knew that she wouldn't want anything extravagant – Lily was extremely practical and didn't enjoy attention being called to her. Instead, Rowan had the house elves bake her a cake, and she and the other Gryffindor girls in their year celebrated in Lily and Mina's room quietly.

The next day, Rowan woke up early and headed down to breakfast expecting to see the red-haired Prefect there as usual; however, she was nowhere to be seen, and Rowan worried mildly that she might be sick. She didn't see Lily until that afternoon in the library as she was searching the quieter corners for a place to study. She found Lily alone writing what looked like that week's Transfiguration essay.

Lily looked up when she heard Rowan's approach and smiled brightly, moving her things a little to allow her to sit down. As Rowan got situated she turned and asked mildly, "Where were you this morning? You never miss breakfast."

Lily tensed slightly before replying quietly, "I was in Professor Dumbledore's office."

Rowan looked at her hesitantly, unsure of how to ask the question. Luckily, Lily continued. "I asked him about joining the Order of the Phoenix, but he said no – not until we graduate." She looked slightly frustrated but resigned. "I suppose I can't really do much yet while I'm here, but I'm so anxious to start." She shifted uncomfortably. "I just can't shake this anxiety, you know? Like I'm supposed to be doing more."

Rowan didn't really know, but she nodded anyway. She found that her admiration of Lily only increased with everyday – she wished she could be so driven and benevolent. She thought absently about how lucky the world was to have someone like her in it.

She turned and got started on her essay, though about four inches in, she noticed a shimmer of light and looked over. She saw that Lily had a new quill that was reflecting the sunlight from the window prettily. It was a burst of gold, fading translucently at the tips. She mused that it looked like Felix Felicis in plume form.

"That's a gorgeous quill, Lily. Is it new?" she asked.

This apparently was the wrong question, as Lily blushed nearly as red as her hair before stiffly replying, "It was a birthday gift."

Rowan knew she'd stumbled on something juicy. Grinning, she asked, "Really? A gift from whom?"

Lily bristled but continued to write and avoided eye contact with Rowan. Her face was still bright red, and Rowan couldn't help herself but pry more.

"I'm going to assume it was from a gentleman friend," she said teasingly.

Lily didn't say anything but still remained in her uncomfortable state of writing.

Rowan grinned. She'd seen this expression on Lily's face recently, watching her quietly out of the corner of her eye in the Common Room and the Great Hall. She'd only seen it a few times, but there was an unmistakable pattern in its occurrences, and she knew she'd finally caught her friend in the act.

"James sure is a great gift-giver," Rowan said mildly.

If she hadn't been watching Lily carefully, she wouldn't have noticed the slip up. But she _was_ watching Lily carefully, so she _did_ notice when Lily's hand slipped ever so slightly, causing her to misspell a word and then cross it out quickly. She grinned triumphantly at Lily and then turned back to her work, pretending not to see the redhead's mouth quiver slightly in embarrassment.

Another few inches into her essay, and Lily finally spoke. "Please don't tell anyone," she whispered.

Rowan was surprised by her sudden tone and turned to look at Lily. She was looking at her intensely with her mouth pursed tightly. Her green eyes looked vey large in her face. Rowan suddenly felt very bad for teasing her.

"Of course I won't," she said sympathetically. "But you do realize that he's fancied you for ages, right? If you like him, you should just agree to go out with him," she said reassuringly.

Lily looked down, suddenly looking very sad. "But he doesn't fancy me. Maybe it started out that way, but by now it's just a game for him. As soon as I agree to date him, he'll realize that I was just a challenging conquest and move on," she said quietly.

Rowan was shocked but then gathered herself up to knock some sense into her friend. "Lily, James is like my brother. I'd know if it were just a game to him. _You_ are not a game to him. Honestly, one of the reasons why I wanted to become friends with you at first is because of all the good things he'd say about you."

Lily looked up at her, face scrunched up with confusion. Rowan sighed.

"I'm not saying that it sounded like it'd be strategic or beneficial for me to befriend you. I mean, I suppose it has been, but that's not what it was. What I mean is that before I really knew you, all I really had to go by was James' ramblings about how wonderful and good you were, and when I thought about it, I realized that I'd never heard him talk about _anyone_ like that – he's kind of a hard guy to impress," she said laughing lightly. "So once I started listening to what he was saying, I realized that if James thought you were an incredible person, then you must be." Suddenly, she felt very embarrassed. It felt as if she were confessing romantic feelings for the girl.

She sighed. "I guess my point is that James isn't a person who showers praise needlessly, nor does he do it dishonestly. If he says that he fancies you, then it means he fancies you," she finished.

Lily seemed to take in her words slowly before finally nodding with a thoughtful look and straightening herself back up properly in her chair. She seemed to be lost for words.

The two girls sat in silence together until dinner. As they gathered up their bags, Lily started again, blushing slightly, "So what do you think I should do? About Potter," she asked quietly.

Rowan's eyebrows furrowed. "I don't know honestly. I can understand your reservations – James is a big personality. He comes with a lot of handling," she grinned. "But I will say that if anyone could mellow him out, it'd be you. And I know for sure that he'd insist on spoiling you, which I know you don't like, but it's his way of showing that he cares." She smiled gently at Lily, who looked conflicted. "He's a much more sensitive guy than he lets on. I think he just needs someone to pull it out of him."

Lily nodded, and as they walked down the stairs to the Great Hall, Rowan heard Lily mutter to her.

"If you ever tell Potter about this conversation, I will put dungbombs in your bed," she threatened half-jokingly. Rowan laughed.


	28. Of Dragon Handling & Imperturbables

**A/N:** **This one is also Rated M!** Sorry, but I just couldn't help it. It seemed right for the progression of their relationship! The next chapter is really important though, so make sure not to skip over it!

**Sweet Petit:** Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm really glad you all are enjoying it!

**S38: **Thank you for the sweet reviews! As for your question, I'll be following the general canon regarding the First Wizarding War, etc. [I guess that's not really a spoiler, but it still feels like I've just given a lot away...]. This story will probably wrap up a little after the end of the war, but I plan on writing a sequel about the Second Wizarding War with the same protagonists that will wrap the entire thing up. It seems dauntingly ambitious, but I'm gonna give it a shot. That one will also generally follow the sequence of events from the books - I feel like diverging from them too much hurts the whole suspension of disbelief thing. Thanks for the question!

Also, I have very little self-control, which is why I can't seem to stop updating, even though I have real world responsibilities... I'm slowly becoming a shell of my former self...

** dearmaggie:** Thank you! I really value your encouragement and appreciation for my interpretation of Remus' character. I also get annoyed with the typical cliches in a lot of RL/OC fanfics, so I'm trying to avoid them, but we'll see how it goes. Thank you so much for reading. I hope I can live up to your expectations.

**REVIEW!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 28: Of Dragon Handling and Imperturbable Charms **

Rowan didn't know how it was possible for her to be so happy. The past three months with Remus had passed quickly and blissfully, and it was once again April. Their physical relationship had progressed slowly since New Year's Eve, and though they didn't get as much private time as they'd like, they'd become quite comfortable with each other's bodies, each having a favorite scar or beauty mark on the other's body and knowing exactly what touches made the other writhe. Their housemates had started thinking of them as a unit, and it had become quite the regularity to see them walking to class together with Remus' arm draped around Rowan's shoulder or her lying with her head in his lap on the Common Room couch, his fingers idly toying with a strand of her hair.

They'd developed a quiet routine of studying in the library together, both just content to be in the other's presence. He'd taken to arriving at the library in time to catch the end of her tutoring sessions. He pretended to come to tease the First and Second Year girls, but secretly, he enjoyed watching her with the younger students, marveling at her sisterly tendencies and how much they seemed to respect her. The girls all admired her to the point of adoration, and the boys all blushed under her attentive gaze, and though part of him wanted to knock them on the head for ogling his girlfriend, he couldn't really blame them. He did get a kick out of their scared looks at seeing him in the doorway, though.

On the rare days that she finished up with tutoring sessions early or a student didn't show up, he'd lock the door behind him and push her up against the table to show her just how much he admired her. He didn't think he'd ever get tired of the sound of his name on her lips or the feel of her muscles clenching around his fingers. This day, he came early to find her finishing up with the First Year Claire again. She hadn't noticed him come in, and he couldn't help but eavesdrop.

"- right!" Rowan said proudly. "See? You didn't need my help at all today. We've barely been here twenty minutes."

Claire beamed up at her and moved to collect her books but paused and turned back to Rowan. "Hey, Rowan? You and Remus Lupin are dating, right?" she asked slowly. Remus perked up at hearing the girl mention him.

Rowan raised an eyebrow but smiled. "Yeah," she said, amusedly.

The First Year blushed to her roots but continued slowly, "Well, I know this is probably rude, but I was wondering... about his scars." Remus froze at this, and he felt his heart stop for a moment. How would Rowan respond to this? He began to panic.

But Rowan seemed calm, amused even. "You want to know how he got them, right?" she said evenly, smiling lightly at the younger girl. The girl nodded fervently. "Well… his family used to handle dragons in Romania," she said matter-of-factly.

Remus had to cover his mouth to catch the barking laugh that threatened to burst from it.

"Really?" the girl asked, wide-eyed and clearly impressed.

"Yeah, and he still goes back every once in a while to visit relatives. He's quite good at it, though it's pretty dangerous," Rowan continued, smiling secretly to herself. "The scars make him look pretty sexy though, right?" she said teasingly.

Claire blushed bright red again. "I-I don't know!" she stammered, suddenly jerking to shove her books into her bag clumsily.

Remus fought to straighten his face out before turning around the corner, acting like he'd just arrived and knocked on the doorframe. "All finished?" he asked, attempting to smile innocently but failing. Claire jumped in her seat and turned jerkily, face bright red. Rowan was looking at him with a knowing grin – he'd been caught.

"Yep! Just packing up!" Rowan said cheerfully. "Good job today, Claire," she said grinning, subtly teasing the girl. The First Year leapt from her seat and scurried from the private study room, and once she was out of earshot, Remus laughed. He seemed to do that frequently with the poor First Year.

"You know it's rude to eavesdrop," Rowan said teasingly, standing to greet him.

Remus hummed in amusement. "You made me sound pretty cool. Dragons, huh? And you think my scars are sexy?" he asked suggestively.

She laughed and stepped up to kiss him lightly. "Philanderer," she said cheekily, and as she pulled away, he snaked an arm around her tightly to keep her pressed against him.

"Remus, wha-?" she started, confused.

He pulled the door shut behind him and locked it, pushing Rowan backward gently until her rear hit the table. "We have thirty minutes left until your room reservation is up. I can think of some ways to use it until then." He picked her up and gently placed her on the tabletop. "Maybe I can show you some of my scars," he said lowly, pushing her thighs apart and pulling her up against him.

"Remus," she gasped as she felt the junction between her thighs hit his quickly hardening arousal. "You're incorrigible!" she laughed.

He grinned. "Only because it's you," he said darkly, taking her mouth with his roughly.

It had been a couple of weeks since their last encounter of that nature, and both were feeling the need. Their kisses quickly became harsher and more hurried, breath coming out in rushes. In no time, he'd pushed her skirt up past her hips then unbuttoned her shirt and released her breasts from their confines, simply pushing the cups of her bra upward before taking a nipple in his mouth. She whimpered, and he stopped momentarily to pull out his wand and whisper, "_Imperturbable_," at the door, before turning back to lavish his attentions on her breasts.

She felt his teeth graze her other nipple, and she let out another cry as she felt his thumb run up the middle of her panties, stopping to rub lightly at her small bundle of nerves. But just as she was beginning to enjoy the pressure of his hands, he pulled away. She looked up, panting and confused to see him grinning down at her.

"I want to do something new. You're going to have to trust me on this," he said breathily and excited. She nodded dumbly, feeling him push her gently so that she lay back, propped up by her elbows.

He slid down her body, keeping eye contact with her until he reached her hips. Hiking her skirt up further, he reached up and slowly slid her underwear off. The sudden cold at her most sensitive parts was unnerving, but soon he'd leaned over, propping himself up on his elbows and trailing his tongue lightly up the inside of her thigh.

Her hips jerked suddenly at the sensation, and a strangled cry erupted from her throat. She could feel him grin against her thigh before running his tongue along the juncture where her hip and thigh met, and she shivered and felt herself throb – he was so close to touching her where she wanted, and yet, it felt so taboo.

"Remus, please!" she begged, and she felt him laugh breathily against her entrance.

Finally, his mouth was there, tongue running up the seam of her folds before slowly flicking against her swollen nerves.

Her mind went blank, and a loud cry tore from her mouth. A low rumbling groan came from his lips and vibrated through, and she had to bite her lip to prevent herself from being too loud. His assault on her continued relentlessly, and she began to quickly feel the spasms of her muscles approach.

"Remus, Remus, Remus…" she cried, a mantra.

Finally, she felt him slide a finger in her, curling gently and pulsing against her front wall at just the right spot, and she was arching up off the table, hips bucking and tightening down on his finger. The spasms shot through her body, and she thought it'd never end.

But it did, and she was left feeling spent, sprawled out on top of the table, mind a blank canvas. When she came out of her daze, he was leaning over her, gazing at her languidly.

"Wow," she breathed. He grinned roguishly at her.

"You have no idea how erotic you look right now. I could stare at you for hours," he said lowly. She realized that she was still quite exposed, breasts out and skirt hiked up to her waist, and she laughed at her disheveled state.

"Well, let's get you cleaned up and get to studying, eh?" he said teasingly, standing up.

"What about you?" she asked, frowning.

He smiled gently. "It's okay. You don't have to do anything like that for me. It's just something I've been fantasizing about, and I thought you'd enjoy it," he said, stooping to pick up her panties from the floor.

She frowned again, and before he could straighten up, she'd hopped off the table and was unfastening his pants, pushing him back against the table.

"Rowan, what-" he gasped.

Her eyes were blazing and determined, fixated on the zipper of his pants. "Just let me!" she said fiercely, yanking down his pants with a tug.

Suddenly, she was on her knees, and Remus was sure his would give out.

"Rowan!" he choked, gripping the table tightly. She'd run her tongue tentatively around the head of his length before taking it into her mouth carefully. She went slowly at first, tentative and inexperienced, but soon, she was pulling him in deeper, running her tongue along the underside experimentally.

Remus couldn't take this. He looked down and saw Rowan's lips wrapped around him, sliding her mouth up and down his length. The image was nearly enough to finish him, and when he felt himself hit the back of her throat, he saw stars.

"Rowan, I'm going to come!" he gasped, trying to get her to move. But when he looked down at her again, he saw her looking up at him heatedly through heavy-lidded eyes, and he released himself into her mouth with a strangled groan. "Shit!"

She moaned, and he felt her swallowing his fluids, keeping her mouth on him as he finished. Finally, his member stopped twitching, and she released him, panting slightly and pink in the face from exertion.

His mind was a cloudy haze. He wanted to move, but he feared dimly that if he let go of the table, his legs might give out from underneath him. He felt like all the bones in his legs had turned to mush, and as desperately as he wanted to kiss her, he couldn't find control over the muscles in his neck.

As he gained control back over his body, he noted that Rowan had pulled his pants and underwear back up and was tucking his shirt in, refastening his pants gently. He watched her with rapt attention. After she finished adjusting his pants, she moved to his tie, which had come loose in their play, straightening it out and sliding the knot back into place. When she was done, she placed her palms gently on his chest and looked up at him, smiling warmly.

"You okay?" she said cheekily.

He leaned forward and kissed her gently. "Fantastic," he whispered against her mouth. She beamed at him before leaning back and looking around them.

"Have you seen my knickers?" she asked.

He laughed heartily and took one hand off the edge of the table, unclenching his fist and revealing a pair of lacy black panties balled up in his palm. She playfully rolled her eyes at him. "Give them here, you pervert," she said.

He grinned and pushed himself off the table, kneeling down and letting her step into them before dragging them back up slowly. When he'd finished adjusting them against her hips, he kissed her softly at her hipbone and moved back up, a finger still hooked in the elastic.

"I like these," he said teasingly, releasing the elastic so that it snapped back gently and her skirt fell back to its appropriate length. She laughed and reached up to wrap her arms around his neck, kissing him. He looked down to check his watch. "Oh, two minutes left – perfect timing!" he said cheerfully, turning back and kissing her soundly. "Guess it's time for Charms homework, eh?" he grinned.

As she laughed and stepped away from him, he grabbed both of their book bags and hoisted them over his shoulder, extending his other hand to her. She smiled at him with warm adoration and laced her fingers through his, opening up the door and heading out to the main studying areas.

"I liked your Imperturbable Charm, by the way. Good application of this week's lessons," she grinned.

He grinned roguishly back and leaned down to whisper darkly in her ear, "Anything as long as I can hear you scream my name like that again." He laughed when she swatted him in the chest, blushing to her roots.

As they tucked into their books, Rowan looked up to see Remus' gaze fixed on his textbook – mouth relaxed and fingers tangled in his hair – and she thought how it couldn't be possible to be any happier.


	29. Of Suspicion & Stillness

**A/N**: Sad, sad, sad… But very important.

**sarahmichellegellarfan1:** OMG! Thank you so much for all the reviews! You'd laugh if you saw my face when I came back to my profile and saw that my number of reviews had more than doubled while I'd been away haha. Thanks so much for following and your enthusiasm. It really made my day!

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**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 29: Of Suspicion and Stillness**

It was all very suspicious.

That's what Rowan thought when she saw Sirius Black talking to Severus Snape, of all people, in low tones outside of the Great Hall. She was coming into dinner late one evening in early May after a tutoring session ran late and stopped when she saw the two arguing in a corner by the entrance. Sirius had that damned smug smirk, and Snape was looking venomous. She could see from the way they spoke that they were arguing about something, but she couldn't hear what. Eventually, Snape noticed her and gestured to Sirius. He turned and grinned, waving at her, before turning back, saying something final and quick to Snape. He then turned around and strutted over to her. Snape turned on his heel and headed down to the Slytherin dungeons.

"What was that all about?" Rowan asked suspiciously.

Sirius just ran a hand through his hair, confident as ever, and replied, "Oh, the usual – I didn't like the sight of his big nose, and he tried to pick a fight about it."

Rowan had a feeling that he wasn't telling her the truth, but she didn't press it – she'd had enough of his bullying Snape and wanted nothing to do with it at this point. "You should really leave that poor kid alone. He's certainly not a nice guy, but he doesn't deserve all the shit you and James put him through," she said firmly.

Sirius just laughed it off flippantly. "Don't worry about it," he said. "Let's get to dinner. I'm starving!" he finished, grabbing her arm and tugging her into the Great Hall.

* * *

In the Common Room later that evening, Rowan eyed Sirius, who was looking way too damn smug for his own good. Remus noticed it as well. "Don't worry about it," he said. "He's probably just planned another dungbomb attack on Mrs. Norris or something."

Remus' reassurances didn't appease the nagging feeling in her, but she pushed it to the back of her mind when she saw his pale complexion. She appraised his appearance and saw the tired circles beneath his eyes and almost dazed expression on his face. The full moon was in a couple of days, and he was looking worse for wear. He noticed her concerned look and smiled gently at her.

"Stop your worrying, Winnie. I'm fine," he said softly. "Nothing I'm not used to by now," he added with a smile, and her chest constricted.

She reached out to brush a particularly rogue strand of gray hair out of his face and ran her hand along the scar on his jaw, committing his features to memory. "I'll always worry," she said softly.

He sighed at the feel of her hand and closed his eyes for a moment before looking at her again gently. "I don't know what I'd do without you," he said quietly. She smiled at him sincerely and leaned in, kissing him softly with as much sincerity as she could muster.

* * *

Two nights later, Rowan tossed and turned in bed. She'd been feeling uneasy since she'd seen Sirius and Snape talking outside the Great Hall, as Sirius had been looking more and more smug over the past couple of days, but she couldn't be sure why it bothered her so much. Sirius had frequently looked smug over his dumb pranks on poor Severus Snape, but something about this reeked of suspicion to her, and when Remus kissed her goodbye to leave for his transformation, a cold fear ripped through her.

She sat up in bed and scanned over her room. Her roommates were all dead asleep, but she couldn't seem to find peace of mind. She looked to the window and saw the full moon hanging low in the sky. It glowed beautifully, but ever since she'd discovered Remus' secret it always held a sense of dread for her. She noted sadly that he probably couldn't remember seeing a single full moon, and her chest constricted.

Where was he tonight? He'd told her over a year ago of the Shrieking Shack and the incredible lengths that the Marauders had gone to in order to help him, but she still would look out the window on the night of the full moon every month and wonder if he was okay running through the Forbidden Forest with his friends.

Her worrying had lessened this past year, but there was something about this night that made the hair stand on the back of her neck. She wanted to see Remus so desperately that it hurt. Sleep didn't overcome her until she saw the first cracks of dawn on the horizon, and her last coherent thought was that she'd look for Remus first thing in the morning.

* * *

When Rowan arrived in the Great Hall for breakfast, she didn't expect to see Remus, as he usually slept in on those mornings. She was, however, surprised to see the Marauders, who were up surprisingly early considering their late night. They were all huddled together speaking in low hushed tones when she arrived, and as she sat down they shot apart, looking pale and guilty about something.

"What's up with you three?" she said slowly, eyeing them suspiciously while reaching for some coffee, slipping into a seat next to Sirius.

When they didn't respond, she looked up and saw that none of them would make eye contact with her. She then noticed James' rolled up sleeve revealing a white wrapping of gauzy bandages along his arm with small splotches of red seeping through. Rowan felt her blood freeze.

"Did he do that to you?" she whispered, not daring to believe. The Marauders had frequently come back from full moon nights with scratches and injuries, but never anything so terrible as the gash along James' arm. The three boys shared pained, guilty looks but said nothing. Rowan looked between them searchingly, scanning over their faces for some semblance of an explanation.

"Well?" she asked. Her voice sounded strangely hysterical. "Is someone going to answer me?"

Finally, Sirius looked up, and she held his gaze, looking at him beseechingly.

"I did something incredibly stupid, Rowan."

* * *

Rowan skipped all of her classes that day. She spent the morning scouring the castle for Remus, starting in Gryffindor Tower, then the Hospital Wing, then the library, and then any other part of the castle that she could think of. She couldn't find him anywhere, and she was on the verge of tears, frantic with the need to see him, to touch him.

Her blood boiled when she recalled what Sirius had told her about what he'd done. She'd slapped him hard across the face in front of everyone at breakfast, choking back hot tears and a sob that she felt bubbling in the back of her throat before running out of the Great Hall to look for Remus. He called Remus his friend – his _brother!_ How could he do something so _cruel_? The very thought of Sirius Black made her shake with anger, and she wondered bitterly if she could ever truly call him her friend again.

Finally, she remembered a spot that she'd forgotten to check and ran out of the castle into the grounds. Running down hills and around trees, she finally found him, sitting alone on their usual hillside spot, looking smaller than she'd ever seen him. He had his legs pulled to his chest and face buried in his knees. He was so still, and Rowan was reminded of that frozen look he'd had the night she'd revealed that she knew his secret.

She slowed to a steady walk, vaguely aware that she'd been running and was actually quite out of breath. As she approached him, she made sure that her steps were audible as to not startle him, but he didn't move. When she finally reached him, she fell to her knees in front of him and reached out a hand to touch his arm gently. He didn't move for many moments but finally raised his head to look at her.

His eyes were red, and his cheeks were glistening with tears. The lines beneath his eyes looked deeper than they'd ever been, and she had to bite down the sob that shook through her – it wouldn't be right for her to cry when he needed her now more than ever.

"Remus, I-" she began but didn't know how to finish her thought. Desperate frustration filled her, and when she realized that she couldn't find the words, she reached forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, cradling his head against her chest. He remained still for another long period of time before slowly moving his hands up to cling to her back desperately, and she felt a sob shake through him that he tried to push back before succumbing to them and cried hotly against her, tears bubbling and shoulders shaking violently.

"I could have killed him!" he cried. _"I could have killed him!"_

Rowan couldn't stop the tears from escaping now, and she let them flow freely, quietly, as she held him to her, running one hand up and down his back and the other threading through his hair. She saw just how gray the strands between her fingers had been turning and could feel a few particularly large scars through his shirt, and her heart ached knowing that she could do nothing to protect this beautiful boy. She cursed violently inside at whatever cruel forces could've allowed any of this to happen to such a good person.

Finally, his shaking subsided, but she continued to rock slightly, rubbing him comfortingly. When his breathing had finally steadied to a calm rhythm, he pulled away from her slightly, and when he raised his eyes to hers, she saw such a burning ferocity there that she felt weak, slightly ashamed that she couldn't hold it together for him. She held his face, thumbing away the last remnants of tears then along his various scars. She leaned forward and kissed the one on his upper lip gently, and she felt his hands fist in her shirt at her back.

When she pulled back, his eyes were still burning. "Rowan," he croaked, but then it looked as if he didn't know how to continue.

She shook her head. "No, it's okay," she assured him softly. "You don't need to say anything."

Conflict swirled in his face, but eventually he closed his eyes and leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers. They stayed holding each other silently until the sun started to hang low in the sky.

"Let's go back," Rowan whispered, pulling back to look at him.

Remus kept his gaze downward and shook his head sadly. "I can't go back in there. I can't face them," he whispered.

Rowan scoured her mind for a place they could possibly go to be alone and stumbled across an idea that should've been obvious from the start – the Room of Requirement.

"I know where to go," she said softly. He looked up at her beseechingly. "Trust me," she said, pulling him to his feet.


	30. Of Spiriting & Devotion

**A/N:** **This one is a soft M, but it's actually really important to the plot. **Sorry for making it hard on you…

There's always gotta be a Room of Requirement chapter, right?

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**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 30: Of Spiriting and Devotion**

Rowan and Remus had entered the castle quietly and swiftly scaled the stairs to the Seventh Floor corridors miraculously without being seen. When they entered the Room of Requirement, it was dark, save for a few candles floating overhead, with a large soft bed, which Rowan directed Remus to. She stripped him of his robes and tucked him into the downy covers before removing all of her clothes besides her shirt and underwear and crawling in with him.

She cradled him against her again, and he clung to her, hands sliding up her shirt to grasp at her skin as if desperate to feel her. She listened to the sound of his erratic breathing until it finally calmed, and the rhythmic sound of his breath told her that he had finally fallen asleep. Only when she was sure that he wouldn't wake did she allow herself to also fall asleep.

* * *

Rowan woke panicking slightly at the yellow morning light pouring over them before she realized thankfully that it was a Saturday. She saw that she and Remus were still in the same positions as they had been when they'd fallen asleep. She wondered vaguely how long she'd slept before turning her attention to Remus.

She pulled back slightly to look at his face. His eyes were still swollen from the day before, but otherwise his face looked serene and so much younger. She marveled at the straight line of his nose and the definition of his jaw and realized how very young they both were.

But she was also struck by how very much she loved him. Yes, she _loved _him. It had occurred to her quietly in one of her recent moments of silent observation, watching his furrowed brow and serious mouth as he wrote an essay, which, she thought amusedly, was a very dull way to come to such an important realization. She knew it had been developing slowly over time, and one day, it was just suddenly there, frank and unassuming. She supposed it was all very anticlimactic, but there it was.

Rowan mulled over the abstractions of what this meant. She was, after all, still very young - what could she possibly know or understand about being in love? She knew logically that her relationship with Remus was still relatively new and that she couldn't truly understand the hardships that they'd face together after Hogwarts. She knew logically that the chances of them succeeding were slim, but for some reason, she had no desire to fight it and didn't even see a real reason to. Sure, she would probably be devastated in the end, but something in her mind kept whispering that she couldn't let him go, that no one would ever compare to him. And as she looked at him sleeping against her, a part deep within her sadly knew that this was true.

Rowan woke up again with a jolt, wondering when she'd fallen asleep again. She suddenly realized that Remus wasn't wrapped in her arms anymore and panicked, jerking up before realizing that he had moved, and she was now in fact lying against him. She looked about her and saw that he was awake and looking at her quietly, and she felt slightly embarrassed for her sudden movement and the knowledge that he'd been watching her sleep.

She rolled onto her side so that they were lying face to face and smiled gently at him, reaching up to touch his cheek. His eyes were still slightly swollen, but he looked much calmer than he had when they'd fallen asleep. He was skimming his eyes over her face silently, an arm curled up her back, rubbing her shoulders gently. She was loath to break the comforting silence between them but she had to hear him, to know that he was okay.

"How are you feeling?" she breathed quietly.

"I don't know," he answered honestly, his thumb skimming over the back of her shoulder delicately. "I don't know how to feel about anything right now. I'm just overwhelmed."

Rowan traced the scar on Remus' upper lip with her fingers. "Me too," she said.

They laid there in silence for a while longer, sharing gentle touches and languid gazes. Rowan felt as if time could stop at any moment.

Finally, Remus spoke. "Rowan," he breathed. She wanted to fill her lungs with him. "I love you."

Her hands stilled for a moment, and she looked up to his eyes, startled. She saw him gazing at her so gently that she was overwhelmed, and she was overcome with the need to tell him in as many words as she could how much he meant to her. She wanted the words to convey to him how much she wanted to protect him, how very precious he was.

"I love you," she breathed back, hoping that her face would express everything that she felt. Her chest felt like it might break.

He leaned forward so slowly, so hesitantly, that she thought she'd imagined it, but as his lips gently grazed hers as if asking for permission to kiss her, she felt something break within her, and she reached up to his hair and kissed him deeply, slowly.

She ran her tongue along the scar above his lip gently and then kissed his jaw, his brow bone, his temple. She wanted to memorize every inch of him.

His hands were scalding up her back, clinging almost desperately to her. His hands ran across the entire expanse of her skin before pulling back to unbutton her shirt, leaving her in her underwear and bare to his gaze.

She felt suddenly shy as she had the first time they'd spent the night together, as his eyes ran over her chest and legs, but his gaze wasn't possessive or consuming. It was gentle and almost pained, and as he moved his mouth to her neck and to her chest, she felt as if he were worshipping her.

Their clothes came off slowly and tentatively, and when he finally pushed into her – fingers laced with hers and soft lips unrushed at her eyes as she shed a few tears of pain – she felt as if a dam inside her had broken, and she knew she was completely lost. They moved slowly together, whispering each other's names like a prayer, and when she hit her peak, he swallowed her soft cries before following her over the edge.

* * *

In the afterglow of their lovemaking, they resumed their previous tentative touching. Remus saw the pink glow of Rowan's cheeks and the smoothness of her bare skin, completely open to him, and he felt a wave of calm sadness wash over him, though he wasn't sure why. Her face was so calm, so young looking, and he wanted to engrave every dip, every angle of her features into his memory, suddenly overcome with a strange fear that she could simply spirit away at any moment.

Rowan seemed to see the anxiety in his face and reached out slowly, cupping his cheek in her small hand, and the feel of her skin against him seemed to ground him in the present. He felt as if he should say something to her, that this was the moment to shower her with his pledges of love and devotion, but as he saw her content face smile gently at him as if to whisper, _I know, I know_, he felt the words die in his chest.

* * *

Sometime in the evening – they weren't exactly sure when – Rowan and Remus quietly dressed. They both watched each other carefully, quietly aware of the other's movements, but unhurried and comfortable. Both seemed to think the other might disappear, yet were strangely calm. Rowan almost _hoped_ that they would both just disappear together, whispering into smoke.

When they arrived back to the Common Room, it was mostly empty. They were both happy that the other three Marauders were not present, and Remus wondered dimly if they'd be upstairs, not quite sure if he wanted to see them or not.

Rowan suddenly felt very bereft, though nothing noticeable had changed between them during their short walk from the Room of Requirement to Gryffindor Tower. She suddenly had a feeling of dread as she looked at him staring towards the boys' dorm, and the fear that he might disappear without her struck in her deep.

Remus turned and saw her, softening at the sight of her quietly desperate eyes. He took her face in his hands and kissed her so sweetly, and when he pulled back a part of her wanted to cry suddenly, though she couldn't for the life of her understand why.

Remus smiled gently at her, still holding her face. "I'll see you tomorrow," he breathed, and she nodded almost imperceptibly. She hesitantly turned to go, but he stood still, watching her move toward the girls' dorm. When she looked back, he was still standing there, and she was scared that if she turned around again, he'd vanish. She looked hard at him, committing his form to memory, before turning towards the spiral staircase and willing herself to not look back.


	31. Of Waking & Convictions Revisited

**A/N:** Feels ahead. Very important chapter.

**REVIEW!** Thanks to everyone who's been following along! It warms my freezing winter bones...

**S38:** Ehhhh... you'll see. You'll probably be mad at me by the end of this chapter.

**Kazume Suigama:** Thanks! I'm so glad you enjoyed it ^^

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 31:** **Of Waking and Convictions Revisited**

Though Remus didn't spirit away into the night, as Rowan had feared he would, he might as well have, she thought. Remus withdrew into himself completely, and none of her gentle prying or quiet touches seemed to be able to draw him out of it. She resigned herself to simply offering her presence to him, and for the next week in their quiet moments alone, she'd sometimes catch him looking at her with such a look of desperation that she felt her heart break.

James told her that Remus and Sirius had spoken lengthily the night they returned from the Room of Requirement, but he didn't know what was said between them. Although Remus seemed to have quietly forgiven Sirius, the dark-haired boy had also withdrawn into himself, clearly ashamed of what he'd done. Rowan treated Sirius civilly – for if Remus had forgiven him, she didn't feel it right for her to hold a grudge – but she still wasn't sure when she'd be able to look at Sirius as a friend again, and he seemed sadly aware of her mindset and didn't push her.

Mina and Lily – really, the entire Gryffindor house – had noticed the tense solemnity that had taken over the Marauders and Rowan, and although they were all dying to know what had happened for their energies to be so starkly different from usual, the two girls recognized the shut off look in the group's faces. The hushed way they spoke to each other screamed, _Keep away_, and fortunately, it seemed that their peers took the warning seriously.

About a week and a half after the full moon, however, Remus broke his silence, which Rowan had been praying for desperately.

The two were sitting outside on their hillside spot, together but not touching. It was a warm May afternoon, and although the sun shone brightly, Rowan felt the stillness between her and Remus and couldn't find it in herself to be moved by the light reflecting off of the lake's surface as she usually did. They hadn't really touched since their intimate night in the Room of Requirement, and though she didn't expect him to want to engage her physically after the trauma that he'd endured, his lack of even mentioning the change between them made her think that perhaps it'd all been a dream. Indeed, his usual small touches had been missing, and the only proof she had of what had transpired between them was the strange soreness between her legs for the couple of days after.

The quiet hours of tentative touches that they had spent in the Room of Requirement seemed like a far off dream, and she was beginning to think that perhaps she had actually imagined them. Besides those small moments alone that he'd look at her like a starved man, he made no indication of actually really seeing her, and the darks fears that had quietly been whispering in her mind became louder, deafening.

"Rowan."

Rowan thought she'd imagined hearing his voice for a moment, for when she looked up at him, he was still looking off into a distance that she couldn't see. He hadn't moved, nor had his face changed. Had he really spoken?

"Rowan."

This time, she saw his lips move slightly, barely. But he'd definitely spoken, and her chest constricted.

"We have to break up."

There was a roaring in her ears, and she felt as if the breath had been knocked out of her. He couldn't have said that. She'd misheard him. She felt the sun bearing down on them, and yet, she felt so cold, so pale. An icy fear crept up her spine.

Finally, he turned to look at her, and she couldn't read his face at all. She saw that there was an expression there – it wasn't blank – but it was as if she wasn't seeing him. This wasn't Remus.

"We have to breakup," he said again quietly. There were no tears in his eyes, no hurt – she couldn't register what was happening. Her head felt heavy.

"I love you," he said with that quiet tone, but even as the words left his mouth, Rowan couldn't match the voice to his face. She couldn't breathe.

"I think I'll always love you," he continued softly. "But this will never work. I realize it now. I will never be able to be the man you need, the man you deserve."

She knew she should scream at him, to tell him that yes, he was the man that she needed, that he was the only one that she wanted – the only one she'd _ever_ wanted. But as she groped for the words, she couldn't form them in her mouth. She registered that she was barely even breathing – but did she even need to breathe? Her head felt so very heavy.

"Thank you for everything you've done for me," he continued, gazing at her softly. "I'm happy just having known you, and I'm satisfied knowing that someone like you could ever love someone like me. I know that you'll find someone who can love you just as you deserve, but I'm not that man."

He stared at her again silently, and she wanted to move, to touch him, to say something, but she couldn't move her arms, her head. Her mouth felt so dry.

He leaned forward in the same hesitant way that he had in the Room of Requirement and kissed her, a whisper of a touch against her lips, before leaning back and smiling at her gently one more time. Then he got up slowly and began to walk away, leaving her there out in the hot sun.

* * *

No one said as much, but everyone knew that Remus Lupin and Rowan Delacroix had broken up. Not even their friends seem to understand why, and for some reason that no one could explain, a sadness settled into the Gryffindors despite their commanding lead for the House Cup and the promise of summer. Neither individual showed any signs of a fight – no puffy eyes, no stolen glances – but there was a silent heaviness to both of them that spoke of something dark.

Rowan hadn't cried since Remus left her there on the castle grounds. After the shock had washed away, she'd succumbed to violent sobs that shook her entire body, hyperventilating and shuddering. Her mind was a bright white slate that seemed to blind her from behind her eyes. But after her sobs slowly left her body, she'd laid there, dimly aware of the yellow sun, which seemed very cold and unyielding. She didn't have racing thoughts or questions, just a general sense of loss that fell into her and couldn't be brought back out.

James had taken violently to Remus when he saw Rowan return to the Common Room late that night with a far-off dazed expression and red eyes – the only time that she'd shown an indication of grief. He shouted and threw fists and threats at the light-haired boy in confusion and hurt for why his friend had left Rowan, but Remus just absorbed all of the blows, verbal and physical, with a sad sort of resignation that James was almost brought to tears as well. He was desperate to know what had happened between them, but Remus had withdrawn back into himself, and Rowan seemed to shut down at the very mention of Remus' name.

She wasn't sure if time moved quickly or slowly, but Rowan was thankful for the end of term. The increased schoolwork and busy tutoring schedule gave her a distraction from whatever dark thoughts emerged in her moments of idleness. She mused mildly that Remus would probably be doing the same. She accepted Mina and Lily's company but quietly brushed off their inquiries into what had happened between her and Remus, and they resigned themselves to sitting with her in the library, stealing worried glances at her eerily Zen-like state.

Final exams ended, and Rowan did better than ever, even beating Remus in DADA, which she thought was strangely humorous in its own way. She could already hear her father's loud praise. Soon, she found herself on the train going back to King's Cross Station in a compartment with Lily and Mina, and while gazing out the window at the passing scenery, she felt herself wake up. She turned and saw Lily and Mina talking quietly but excitedly about their summer plans, and Rowan suddenly felt a surge of affection for her friends. How long had she been asleep? Had they been there all along?

They finally stopped when they saw Rowan looking at them with an indecipherable expression – something between amusement and surprise.

"You okay?" Lily asked tentatively.

Rowan felt a grin spread across her face before she could stop it, and suddenly felt like laughing very hard at the startled looks on Lily and Mina's faces. She had no idea why she was feeling like this. It was foreign and strange, but there was a warm bubbling suddenly in her chest that she couldn't repress.

"I feel as if I've just woken up from a very long dream," Rowan said, still smiling. The other two girls still looked very confused. Rowan laughed. She grabbed Lily's hand, who was sitting next to her and squeezed it lightly. "Thank you," she said sincerely. "Both of you." She felt such a warm fondness spread through her chest.

Their confusion seemed to melt away, and they started laughing at Rowan's strange comments, both infinitely relieved to see their friend act like her normal self again. Lily wrapped an arm around Rowan's shoulders and hugged her tightly, still laughing. She pulled away and her face took on a more serious tone.

"You are okay though, right?" she asked concernedly.

Rowan considered her words carefully. "I don't know," she answered carefully. "But I will be," she said reassuringly. Her friends seemed to accept this and continued on talking about summer and Mina's little brother William who would be joining them the next year, and Rowan suddenly felt much lighter and almost excited for the months to come.

When she stepped off the Hogwarts Express, she quickly found her father and Alfred, who were peering over the heads of the sudden rush of students and spotted her. She hurried over to them and embraced them both enthusiastically, which they returned happily.

"Did you have a good year?" her father asked warmly.

She grinned at him. "Fantastic. First in my year again," she said proudly. He and Alfred beamed at her.

"That's my girl!" he exclaimed, hugging her again fiercely.

As her father and Alfred moved to help her with her things, she looked around the platform idly and saw Remus with his parents. He looked thin and ghost-like, and his parents had heavy looks of concern. His father had a strong grip on his shoulder, and his mother was running her hands over his face worriedly. They, too, eventually turned to help him with his belongings, and as if feeling her gaze, he turned and saw her.

The loud chatter on the platform remained, and though she felt her breath catch a bit, she was struck by how normal it all seemed. He looked at her with an expression of confusion, mouth in a severe line. She suddenly felt like laughing, though not spitefully. She smiled sincerely at him and waved, and she could see the confusion intensify for a moment before dissolving into a gentle smile in return. She held his gaze for another moment before turning back to her father and Alfred, who had her things loaded onto a trolley and were waiting for her, looking around curiously to see whom she'd been waving at.

As they moved toward the exit, she paused and turned back to see Remus one last time and noticed him still gazing at her intensely. She smiled one more time, which he returned. She then made a gesture that said that she'd write, and his smile broke into a grin, and his face suddenly seemed so much younger than she'd seen in weeks. He nodded, and Rowan felt a calm sense of understanding between them.

As Rowan sat in the Ministry car with her father, listening to his rattling about work, she considered Remus Lupin and everything that had happened that year. She knew that she still loved him, and though she felt a dull ache in her chest, she knew that there was nothing she could do about it. She smiled to herself lightly – it was absurd that she was suddenly so accepting of it, but there it was. This was the path that she'd chosen for herself, Remus Lupin be damned.


	32. Of Beginnings & Endings

**A/N:** I think out of all the chapters so far, this one might best encapsulate the sad nature of the protagonists' relationship. It was pretty tough to sort out in my head. Please let me know what you think!

I like relating relationship dynamics to songs. I think if I had to list a song that described my interpretation of Remus' longing for Rowan, it'd be "Heavenfaced" by the National. Their song "Sea of Love" is pretty appropriate too. What do you think?

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 32: Of Beginnings and Endings**

Rowan and Remus started a long and consistent correspondence over the summer again. Neither mentioned any of the events of the past month, and Rowan started thinking that it had all perhaps been a dream. If one had read their letters from the summer between Fifth and Sixth Years then the ones between Sixth and Seventh, he or she would never guess all that had transpired between them in the seasons between. Rowan was unsure if she should be happy about it or not.

She took to her summer with an optimism that almost felt foreign and sometimes manic. She helped her mother around the house with high energy and rearranged her bedroom several times before deciding that she liked it best the way it was before. She also took to spending long amounts of time in the manor library. Both her parents, Alfred, and James saw this strange behavior in her but said nothing, though James made sure to spend more time with her, simply sitting around the Delacroix Manor grounds listening to his Muggle records and talking about nothing in particular.

Eventually, she and Sirius reconciled, much to the relief of her friends. She spent an afternoon in the Potters' home lying next to the boy in his bed, much as she and Mina did frequently, and just talked. He didn't give her long apologies – she'd already heard all of them – and she didn't offer any consoling words. They just knew that their friendship was on its way back to normal again, and the relief and happiness that he felt to have his friend back was nearly palpable.

Her mother and Alfred took her to the beach for a few weeks again, and when they came back, her seventeenth birthday was quickly upon her, indicating that she'd finally come of age.

She thought she'd feel different, but as she looked at herself in the mirror that morning, she thought that she still looked quite the same. She wasn't sure how to feel about it – she imagined that there should be a noticeable difference considering the landmark, but at the same time, the knowledge that she was no longer in the comfort of childhood terrified her. James and Sirius took her for ice cream and a Muggle film, which they discussed for hours after over coffee in Diagon Alley, laughing at the characters and their blatant lack of understanding of Muggle culture tropes. Mina, Lily, and Peter sent her small gifts of candies and books, and Remus sent her another set of jazz records that she'd mentioned enjoying and a lovely ethereally gray quill, whose source she couldn't identify. However, she put the records aside unopened with the rest of her collection without listening to them, for she knew they would recall memories that she wasn't ready to revisit yet.

Soon after she turned seventeen, her father began taking her to more Ministry events, guiding her around the rooms of his peers and colleagues proudly. Though he'd often done it before, she began to realize that most of the people she was meeting were relatively young men, and she quickly began to realize what was happening – he was showing her off in hopes of finding her a suitable husband already! She felt a pang of anger at first for his audacity, but then it melted into a sad solemnity. He just wanted to make sure she was taken care of – after all, he and her mother were quickly getting older and would probably not live to see her children reach their Hogwarts years. And really, whom _would_ she end up marrying in the end, if it were not somewhat arranged?

Despite her time with Remus and Alan, she was still the same – crude and boyish. Even if she had a pretty face and some smarts, who would want to put up with her mindless pranks and rough teasing for long? Even Remus, her best friend, had realized that she wasn't enough to keep him happy. Wouldn't it be strategic for her to marry well and comfortably rather than live out her life alone?

But she knew in her darkest of hours, when she'd turn off her lights and lie in bed awake, that she wasn't over Remus, and no matter how much she wished otherwise, she wasn't going to get over him anytime soon. Every so often in these moments, she'd allow herself to silently shed a few tears for what she'd lost, but she'd decided with conviction that even if he didn't love her enough to be with her, she loved him enough for the both of them. She would see her ambitions to the end, even if it meant doing it without him by her side.

Sometimes, she felt the sour bitterness crawl up her throat at the memories of his quiet presence and promises of devotion to her. But she knew that she was incapable of hating him, even though she often wanted to, and that her disdain and abandonment wouldn't help him in his struggles. And no matter how many times he hurt her or turned his back on her, the thing she wanted most was to make him happy.

She mused sadly – it appeared that her mother was not the last Delacroix woman to sacrifice her happiness for that of her loved ones.

* * *

As Remus stepped onto Platform 9 ¾ again, he was struck with a sudden sadness at realizing that it was his last first day of school. Things would change drastically for him very soon.

He'd spent the summer in a slow daze, and his parents worried constantly and pestered him with questions as to what had happened with Rowan, but he brushed off their inquiries and kept to himself, writing occasionally to the other Marauders, and even Lily, but always eager for the next sight of Anfa in the distance. He felt terrible for keeping what had happened in May from his parents, but he knew that if they found out, they'd never let him speak to Sirius again, and he couldn't stand the thought of seeing their grief-stricken faces over his condition again.

He knew he still loved Rowan to the point of desperation, but in the week that followed that horrifying full moon night, every time he looked at her, he would see terrifying images of him hurting her, of waking up to find that Severus Snape had not in fact been the one that he'd attacked.

The very thought of it still terrified him, and he still frequently woke in the night with cold sweats and tears on his face. He would lie in bed trying to calm his harsh breathing, and her face would always come unbidden to his mind's eye. He'd sometimes imagine that if he turned over, he'd see Rowan there with her ready embraces and gentle touches, but he knew now that her love wouldn't be enough to protect her from him.

When Anfa had first arrived with a letter from Rowan, he'd felt as if a dark shroud had been lifted off of him, but he was quickly ashamed again at realizing that no matter how much he hurt her, she'd always be there to welcome him back with open arms. She made no mention of what had transpired between them, and though a part of him was grateful, another bitterly wanted to cling to the memories that he had of their time together. But she was too good, too kind, and he wanted desperately for her to be happy, even if it meant that she found it with someone else.

And yet the thought of her being with someone else – another handsome stranger like Alan Spinnet or Leith Bagman – made the bile rise in his throat, and he saw red. He knew he'd unleashed something terrible that morning that he'd finally made love to her, and he could feel the dark presence inside of him raging wildly for abandoning her. He just hoped that when the time came for him to see her with another man, he'd be able to let her go.

But he had abandoned her after selfishly taking her innocence! He still remembered the soft tears that had fallen as she'd gritted her teeth in pain when he pushed into her, and the memory of her warmth enveloped tightly around him still made him throb painfully. She'd been better than anything he'd ever imagined, and the pressure of his hand was nothing compared to the rhythmic clench of her body as he moved against her. The thought of her being touched like that by anyone else sent fire through his veins, and the voice inside him whispered darkly that she was his, always his.

Remus thought that he'd be ready to see her again when September 1st came, but when he saw her standing there with Alfred – once again tanned and bright-eyed – he felt a wave of panic hit him. He was still in love with her, violently so, and he was terrified suddenly of speaking to her despite having written to her all summer.

And then she turned and saw him, and she smiled in that gentle way that he felt as if he'd stop breathing. The dark voice howled. He knew that nothing had changed – he'd never get over her.

But he was suddenly horrified to see his mother already pacing toward Rowan with a look of determination on her face, and he was terrified that she was going to make a scene. He had to stop her!

But as soon as Leanna Lupin reached Rowan, he saw the older woman slow her pace. When Rowan turned to greet her, it was with unrivaled warmth and enthusiasm. Leanna beamed at her brightly and held the girl's face in her hands as she did with him and kissed her soundly on both cheeks. Rowan looked highly embarrassed but pleased and held the older woman's hands tightly and said something to her, which made his mother laugh.

He approached the two women cautiously, and as he moved to stand next to his mother, Rowan looked up at him and beamed. He thought he would burn under its heat. He was surprised to see his mother's eyelashes wet with unshed tears, but when he asked her what was wrong, she shook her head and brushed off his concerns, sharing a secret look with Rowan.

He also noticed the cool nature of Alfred's attitude towards him. The older man was nothing if not polite, but there was an icy edge to the way he addressed him, and Remus couldn't help but wonder what Rowan had told him over the summer. When he looked at her in front of him – all smiles and heat – he couldn't imagine her speaking bitterly to Alfred about him, and the thought of her crying to the older man about him made his stomach sink. As she turned to say goodbye to him at the sound of the train's whistle, he could've sworn he saw the older man's eyes dart towards him malevolently.

* * *

As they boarded the train, Rowan turned to say goodbye to Remus, as she knew he'd have Prefect duty. She'd been surprised to say the least when James had waved the Head Boy badge in her face in hysterics, and a part of her was slightly angry that Remus hadn't been chosen instead, since in her mind, he deserved it much more. But Remus hadn't seemed bitter, but rather relieved, and she understood that the pressures of living up to the title would've weighed down on him.

But instead of moving to the Prefect compartment, he just stood there in the aisles staring at her with a strange look on his face, and she could see the guilt still swirling there, as if he were trying to find the words to apologize to her. She felt her chest constrict.

"Stop it," she commanded.

He looked startled and a little hurt at her sudden order, but she willed herself to continue.

"I can see it all over your face, and I don't want to hear your apologies," she said fiercely. "I don't regret a single thing that happened between us, and I don't think I'll ever forgive you if you say that you do, so it'd be best for your well being to keep it to yourself, got it?"

He nodded dumbly.

"I still love you, Remus," she said, softer this time, and she saw the regret spread across his face. "No, don't," she ordered. "I don't want your pity or your apologies. I can't control it, and neither can you, so there's no point in dwelling on it. I'm prepared to start being friends again if you are, but if you have a problem with any of that, then you can shove off because nothing about my convictions will change whether you're in my life or out of it."

Remus' face was a torrent of conflict. He still didn't say anything, just stared at her blankly, and she felt a pang of anger and hurt before biting them down. She was about to turn away to find Mina and Lily, but then he finally spoke.

"Rowan."

She turned to see him looking at her intensely. "Okay," he said, and a small smile appeared on his face. "I'm ready too."

Her heart felt like it would burst. She beamed at him. "Good," she said. "Now get a move on. The new Head Boy will have your balls if you're late."

He laughed heartily, and she relished the sound. It was like a weight had been lifted off of her.

As he made a move to leave, he looked at her again, and the warmth in his smile made her stomach flip. Then he turned and walked away from her, and she knew that, once again, nothing had changed.


	33. Of Divisions & Spitfire

**A/N**: Things are starting to fall into place for Rowan. I'm pretty excited that this part can begin. One of my favorite chapters so far, so I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 33: Of Divisions and Spitfire**

It'd be an understatement to say that the Marauders were startled to see Rowan and Remus so friendly with each other again. They'd both taken their agreement seriously and resumed their friendship, neither mentioning their relationship from the year before, which was difficult, but they certainly tried. But it still irked the other three boys to see them together but not _together_ without explanation. When James asked her what had changed, she shrugged and said, "We're just better off as friends," in such a quiet way that he couldn't bring himself to push more.

Although they'd agreed to pick up where they'd left off, Remus had noticed a distinct divide had formed between them, and Rowan's general disposition around him was much quieter. There were times when he'd look up from his reading and see her staring out the window looking wistful, though she never seemed to direct those looks at him. She no longer slid her arm into his as they walked and seemed much more aware of the way she held herself, sitting straighter with controlled limbs. He thought that she looked much older. She offered her bright smiles just as readily when they spoke, but then when she thought that no one was looking, he'd catch her staring off into a distance he couldn't see with such a longing look that it pained him.

She would also disappear for long periods of time, and he'd sometimes see her emerging from the dungeons late at night or in some dark corner of the library with her nose buried in ancient-looking books. He'd entertained the thought that she was perhaps secretly seeing another boy, but she didn't show any of the same jumpiness as she had with Alan and certainly didn't hold herself with the countenance of a young girl in the early phases of love. When he finally asked her where she'd been disappearing off to – with the hope that he sounded casual – she just sighed and said she needed some time alone. He couldn't really argue with that.

Recruiters had started appearing at Hogwarts for various professions at the beginning of each month, and Remus had thrown himself into meeting every single one of them. He knew that he needed to make as many connections as he could before his secret was found out in the hopes that even one of them liked him enough to overlook his condition, and luckily, they'd all taken to him enthusiastically so far. James, Mina, and Sirius had deeply impressed the recruiter from the Auror's department, a gruff frightening man with a wooden leg and a disturbing electric blue eye that rolled chaotically, and Lily was already corresponding with a representative from St. Mungo's about entering the academy there to become a Healer.

Rowan, however, sought out only a few individuals, always coming away looking dissatisfied. He remembered her desire to apprentice for a Potions Master, but every time there seemed to be a promising Master at the school, he or she would leave looking enchanted with her, while she seemed disgruntled and unimpressed.

Around the beginning of November, he saw her in the Great Hall for their third recruiting event looking fiercely determined but more nervous than he'd ever seen her. She was standing in the corner with the binder that he'd given her for Christmas the year before, and she looked as if she were trying to gather herself together, staring off at high point on the far wall. She was trembling.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked concernedly, walking over to her.

Her head snapped toward him. "Huh?" she asked dazedly. "Oh, yeah, just fine," she said quickly. Her head then suddenly jerked to her right as if she'd seen a ghost and saw that she was staring intensely at a man in long dark wine-colored robes standing off to the side. Most recruiters would stand in general groups based on professions, so he was surprised to see this man standing apart from the rest of the Potions Masters. He was a tall, thin man around fifty with a square face, wire-framed glasses, and heavy bags beneath his eyes. He looked very surly.

"Who is that?" he asked Rowan. She still hadn't taken her eyes off the man.

She never answered him, however, and as he was about to open his mouth to ask her again, she set off toward the thin man in the distance with so much determination that he thought he saw smoke erupt from her feet.

* * *

Rowan was so frustrated. She'd met about ten Potions Masters since the recruiters had begun arriving at Hogwarts to meet the Seventh Years, but she hadn't liked any of them. They were all brilliant in their own rights, but none of them had what she was looking for, and she was growing vastly impatient for the real thing.

During her mania over the summer, she'd begun researching into lycanthropy more thoroughly, diving into the extensive library that the Delacroix family had acquired throughout the centuries. Though her family's resources about werewolves were thin, she had enough to get started with until she returned to Hogwarts. She studied everything she could think of, from European folklore to hyperthrichosis. If she could relate it even remotely to lycanthropy, it was worth a look at in her opinion.

While researching temporal magical conditions, a name kept occurring in her readings – Damocles Belby. She soon found herself digging up old journals and research articles in hopes of finding his name, and eventually, she found obscure hints of his research regarding lycanthropy. Her heart nearly stopped. She had to meet this man, to find out everything he knew!

But in her research, she also discovered that he was notoriously proud and difficult to work with. He rarely took on apprentices because he respected so few of them and seemed to have the same regard for most of his colleagues. He had a reputation for being crude, critical, and devoted to his work to the point of obsession and expected all of his peers and students to do the same. After reading even the first article about him, she was already intimidated.

But she was also thrilled. This man clearly knew what he wanted, and if he wanted an apprentice who would slave away in a laboratory with him day and night, then she was the one for the job. If he was crude himself, he wouldn't mind her lack of poise or vulgar mouth. She _had_ to impress this man somehow. She had to get him to come to Hogwarts to meet her!

When she wrote to Professor Dumbledore to ask him if he was on the list of recruiting Potions Masters, she'd panicked when he'd responded with a no, that he no longer came to Seventh Year recruiting events. But when another owl arrived bearing an envelope with his seal a week later, his letter informed her that Damocles Belby was indeed a good friend and former student of his and he had just accepted an invitation from the Headmaster. He would be there in November. She swore that if Dumbledore had been there at that moment, she could've kissed the old man.

And now it was finally November, and there he was, standing off to the side and looking exactly as he'd appeared in all the articles and books that she'd read by him. Even though she'd been mentally preparing herself for months – researching everything she could get her hands on and practicing the most advanced potions she could find – he was even more intimidating in person, and she was terrified.

She noted vaguely Remus' questions, but it was as if he weren't even there. The only person in the room that she had eyes for at that very moment was Damocles Belby, and she was determined to make him accept her as his apprentice, even if it killed her.

Before she knew it, she was rushing towards the Potions Master like her feet were on fire, and when he saw her approaching, his face seemed to take on a deeper scowl than before. She felt a tendril of icy fear creep up her back, but she knew that this was it – all or nothing.

When she stopped to stand in front of him, he assessed her coolly with a judgmental gaze that would make most shiver. Finally, he spoke. "So you're the one that made Dumbledore insist that I come all this way, are you?" he drawled in a gruff voice. "Quite the audacity on you, girl."

Rowan drew herself up, ignoring his previous statement. "My name is Rowan Delacroix, and I want to be your apprentice," she declared.

He snorted. "And why would I want _you_," he sneered, "as my apprentice?"

"Because I'm the best potions student this school has seen since you graduated," she said fiercely. "And it would benefit the both of us greatly for you to take me on as your apprentice."

If he was shocked by her statement, he didn't show it. He assessed her again, seeming to weigh her words. "Those are some bold claims," he said quietly. "What makes you think that I'd take on an apprentice who's foolish enough to make such a boastful statement?"

"It's not boasting if it's the truth," she said defiantly. "I am the best potions maker that Hogwarts has seen since you left. Professors Slughorn and Dumbledore will confirm this."

He snorted again. "Slughorn is a fool," he said sourly.

Rowan nodded. "That may be, but he knows talent when he sees it, and I have talent," she claimed. "And I have the drive. I know all about your old apprentices. I know that you drove each of them to quit because you're hard and you're crude." His eyes flared angrily for a moment. "But that's exactly what I want," she continued. "I will work my hands to the bone if you command it. You _will_ take me on as your apprentice, even if I have to fight you till I'm bloody."

His eyes burned into hers, and for a moment, she thought that maybe he'd turned to stone. But finally he asked stiffly, words puffing from the corners of his mouth, "Why do you want me as your Master, girl?"

Rowan could feel that she had the momentum now, and a shock of adrenaline hit her. "I want you as my Master because I know that you're the best. You're not scared of pushing into unpopular areas of study. You're willing to ask the questions that need to be asked." This was it. She gathered up all of her courage. "I want to help you find a cure for lycanthropy."

His nostrils flared, and his eyes widened. He looked at her as if she'd slapped him across the face. "You cannot be serious," he breathed, almost inaudibly.

She nodded her head fiercely. "I've read all of your published work, and I've been researching into it myself for a few months now, which I know is dismal, but my resources have been limited. I will do anything to be your apprentice, to help you with this task. You don't even have to give me a salary. Just name your price, and I will do it," she finished, burning.

As they stared each other down, Rowan thought she saw a glimmer of grief in his eyes, but it was gone so quickly she might've just imagined it. "Who is it in your life that is so important to you that you'd risk all of your credibility just to help them?" he asked softly.

Rowan was thrown off by his question. He suddenly spoke with such a somber tone that she wondered if he was the same man and if she should be asking him that question as well. Would it be right to tell him? She drew up her courage and replied, "My best friend – the most important person in my life is a lycanthrope." Damocles' eyes blazed. "I see every bit of good in the world in this one person, who is stronger and better than I will ever be despite all the reasons not to, and I will do anything to see that he is freed from this terrible condition."

Damocles almost looked angry. She could see a range of conflict – grief, anger, frustration – swirling around his features, but she kept her gaze steady and stared him down, willing him to understand all of her conviction and determination. But when he didn't answer, she was terrified that he was about to reject her.

"All right, girl," he finally relented. "Delacroix, you said?" She nodded. "You're Richard Delacroix's daughter?" he asked, staring at her down his nose. She nodded again. He seemed to approve of this. "Your father, he's a good man – helped me out with some legal issues while I was researching in the forests of Hungary," he grunted.

Rowan was surprised. She'd never heard her father ever mention Damocles Belby in all of his work ramblings. Had she just not been listening?

But then he relented. She held her breath. "I will give you one chance to prove to me that you are worthy of being my apprentice starting in June. But if you receive anything less than a perfect score on your Potions N.E.W.T., our agreement is off." She nodded again. He seemed to assess her one more time. She could practically hear the blood rushing in her head. "You are insane for doing this you know," he said quietly.

Rowan's mouth twitched into a wry smile. "Yeah, but so are you, and I think you've been looking for someone like me, even if you didn't realize it," she said. She couldn't help the heat of joy that was spreading through her.

He smirked. "Audacity and cheek… Even if I do break you, at least it'll be entertaining," he said amusedly. "All right then, I will contact Dumbledore for your information. You are to continue your research while you remain here, and if I see you slip even an inch, girl, that will be the end of it, got me?" he said gruffly.

She nodded enthusiastically, trying to hold the smile off her face, but failing miserably. He laughed a low growl and looked her over one more time before turning on his heel and walking out of the Great Hall, robes billowing behind him.

* * *

Remus watched the entire exchange between Rowan and the mysterious scowling wizard with bated breath, and he swore that he saw sparks fly between them. He couldn't hear their conversation, but he saw the flares of anger from both sides and was amazed that Rowan was able to keep such a constant level of determination while facing off against this man.

But who was he – a Potions Master? He'd never seen Rowan look so scared in her entire life before she marched up to the man. He was certainly intimidating, and there was a deep flare of pride that pooled in his chest as he watched her face mold into such a look of ferocity. Something inside him howled.

He found sometime during their conversation that he'd barely been breathing. The energy stemming off of them could light all of London! He'd never seen this side of her, and for a moment, she looked like a completely different person. She was spitfire and electricity, and he wasn't sure if he should fear her or worship at her feet.

When the wizard finally turned away from her with a surprising grin, he forced himself to look away lest this frightening man see him. Rowan stayed standing in the spot he left her in for a few moments, looking violently triumphant, like there was lightning sizzling in her veins. When she turned around and saw him, she grinned at him with such an intensity that he thought he'd burn, but just when he wanted to move to her to ask what exactly had just happened, she turned on her heel and ran from the Great Hall, leaving him standing there confused and overwhelmed.


	34. Of Reticence & Restricted Sections

**A/N**: No comments really… Have you heard the Neighbourhood's album? Also, just watched the new SNL episode with Jonah Hill and noticed… Justin Timberlake + Jorma Taccone = Bastille's keyboardist?

**S38:** Hope you're ready to get mad at me again...

**Guest...?: ** I don't know how to address you b/c you didn't sign your review! But it was incredibly sweet and really made my day. No one's ever complimented my writing style before, so it was really special to me. Thank you so so much for your kind words.

Also, I'd spread them out more... but I have little self-restraint nowadays... so I guess I have to resign myself to only a few reviews... T-T

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 34: Of Reticence & Restricted Sections**

Remus didn't see much of Rowan for the next few weeks. After watching the intense verbal sparring between her and the surly thin wizard in the Great Hall, she had a strange fire in her eyes that he'd never seen before. Her disappearances became more frequent, and he never seemed to get a moment alone with her long enough to ask about the strange conversation he'd witnessed. He had also recently discovered that she'd been borrowing James' Invisibility Cloak to sneak off after hours. He was dying to know where she was going all the time - with a pang that he was hesitant to call jealousy - but that wall between them still stood, and as much as he ached for her, he stuck to his decision that they were better off this way.

But one afternoon at the end of November, he had a moment of weakness and decided that he would seek her out. He knew she was tutoring some of the Second Years that day and headed to the library private study rooms to find her.

She was working with a small brown-haired boy that he recognized as Tyler Harker – or was it Parker – hunched over his Potions textbook. She was patiently explaining what sounded like basic theory about various beasts' blood properties, but the boy seemed mostly fixated on staring at her mouth, face in a daze. Remus couldn't help but want to hit the kid.

"Tyler, are you even listening to me?"

The boy seemed to snap awake at her question and was suddenly very red in the face when he realized that she'd caught him staring at her.

She sighed. "Okay, you don't really seem like you're all there today, so how about we try again tomorrow? Same time?"

The boy was bright red, and Remus could almost hear the kid's mortified inner dialogue. He almost felt bad for him, but Rowan took pity.

"It's okay. I know it's bland stuff. Just take a look over it tonight, and we'll give it another go tomorrow afternoon," she said smiling consolingly. It was so warm.

As the Second Year nodded jerkily and rushed to throw his books into his bag, Rowan moved slowly to collect her things, still not having noticed him in the doorway. The boy packed up first and turned to run out. When he saw Remus, he went pale, and a part of Remus was very satisfied that the younger boy seemed to understand that he'd been ogling _his _woman.

"Hey, Tyler, how's it going?" he asked mildly.

"G-good, thanks," he stammered. "Um, I've got to get going. See you later, Rowan!" And with that, he ran quickly from the room.

Rowan was standing at the table frowning in confusion. "What're you doing here?" she asked.

"Looking for you," he said, smiling. Every part of him was screaming that he shouldn't be there, that the room held too many memories that he shouldn't even be considering – she wasn't his anymore. But he'd wanted to see her so badly that he went against all of his better judgment. "I haven't seen you around in a while – figured we could work on that Transfiguration essay together this afternoon," he said, trying not to sound too hopeful.

He looked her over realizing suddenly how much he truly had missed her. She was looking thinner these days, and there were dark rings developing under her eyes. Was she sneaking off for her mysterious late night excursions that frequently?

She suddenly looked uncomfortable. She shifted. "Oh," she said simply, "Huh."

Remus frowned. "Do you have somewhere else to be?" he asked, feeling sharply disappointed.

Rowan was looking fixedly at her bag, and Remus wanted to take her face in his hands and make her look at him. "Well, I had some letters to respond to in the Owlery, then I've already agreed to work with Lily on the essay later this evening," she said shiftily. Something didn't feel right about her answer.

It suddenly felt incredibly awkward. Remus hadn't felt this uncomfortable with Rowan since their Fifth Year when he was figuring out his feelings for her. Hadn't_ she_ been the one to ask to be friends again? Why was this happening?

"Rowan, we're okay, right?" he asked tentatively. "You're not reconsidering everything?" He felt his gut churn with hurt.

She looked up at him with eyebrows furrowed. "No, of course not!" she said. The sincerity in her statement rolled off her in waves. "I just – I just have a lot going on right now. I'm really sorry," she said apologetically.

He still didn't fully believe her, but she seemed honest about wanting to still be friends so he decided to let it slide.

"Okay, well, if you're busy, then maybe tomorrow?" he asked slowly. He shouldn't be pushing her like this. This wasn't right.

She nodded and smiled shyly. He wanted to kiss her. "Yeah, tomorrow. After Charms?" she asked sweetly.

Remus nodded. "Yeah, that sounds great." He tried to smile back.

* * *

Rowan felt bad for ditching Remus, but her excuse had been half-true – she _did_ have a letter to write, but she'd lied about working on the Transfiguration essay with Lily. She knew she'd been the one to say that she wanted to try being friends again, but the time she spent with Remus only served to remind her of how much she still loved him. She'd tried hard for the first two months to pick up where they'd left off a year before, but it was so hard being so close to him and yet knowing that he was completely out of her reach. It was distracting to have to work next to him, keeping her eyes off of his mouth while making sure that she didn't slip up and just touch him out of habit. No matter where they went, she'd always have a memory attached to the place of them being together, and it stung more than she'd expected. It was overwhelming at times.

And then it was so hard keeping her secret from him. She'd been sharing a weekly correspondence with Damocles Belby about her research, and she knew that if she spent too much time around Remus, he'd figure it out. While Remus knew of her deeper ambitions, he didn't need to know what steps she'd made thus far – not when it'd make him withdraw into himself again with guilt. She wanted to be sure that she had her position as Belby's apprentice secured before she revealed it to her friends, though the prospect of keeping it a secret until June was daunting. She had a feeling she wouldn't be able to do it.

She'd been thrilled the first time she received a letter from Belby requesting what information he'd wanted her to research. He wrote in a neat, small staccato scrawl not dissimilar from hers, and she thought with some mirth that it was further proof that she was meant to be his apprentice. Unfortunately, some of the things he'd requested were quite obscure, and she'd had to take James' Invisibility Cloak into the Restricted Section of the library after hours to complete her research. It'd paid off, however, as Belby seemed pleased with her and wrote a short _good job_ in his next letter, which she supposed amusedly was probably the extent of his ability to praise.

But his first letter had also been dark. He'd spared no words to describe to her how dangerous undertaking this task would be. She would risk her reputation in the Wizarding World. Some of her friends would certainly abandon her. There was little glory, even if they were successful, and she'd be held at arm's length by the rest of their colleagues and peers. There were people who would shun her, discriminate against her just for her association with werewolves. There were even individuals in the werewolf community that would possibly threaten her - for while there were many sad, honest people just trying to get by with their affliction, there were just as many who were venomously bitter and would lash out at her. He spoke of rumors of a group of werewolves among the Death Eaters who bit people _intentionally_. It sent icy fear creeping up her back, into her bones, but she'd come too far now to turn back. She wrote back with conviction that she was resolute, and he made no mention of it again.

As she finished tying her letter to Anfa's leg, she thought about Remus and how much longer she'd have to keep this from him – as long as possible, ideally. She realized that it'd been nearly two years since she'd revealed her other secret to him, which was also about his furry little friend. She smiled bitterly despite herself – some things never change, do they?

* * *

Remus stepped into the Gryffindor Common Room later still feeling dejected about Rowan. He noted vaguely that it was quite late and that he'd forgotten dinner again while sulking in the library all evening. Then he saw a head of red hair on the couch, and it occurred to him that it was Lily Evans. Wasn't she supposed to be with Rowan? He moved and saw that she was sitting close to someone with messy dark hair but quickly realized that it wasn't Rowan, but in fact James.

He'd noticed the two of them becoming closer over the recent weeks as they worked with each other as Head Boy and Girl – something that James had surprisingly taken to very seriously despite his earlier jokes – and though a part of him was thrilled for his friend who finally seemed to be making progress with the redhead after all the years of pining after her, another part of him was deeply envious of them, knowing that he'd had to throw his opportunity at love away.

But why _was_ Lily there? Rowan had said that they had planned to work on their essays together, and Lily was not the type to forget or be late to an appointment, no matter how casual.

Rowan had lied to him.

Remus was surprised at the sudden surge of anger that raced through him. The dark voice in him roared. His woman had _lied_ to him – but _why?_

He felt himself moving toward the couch before he could stop himself. As they heard him approach, the pair turned around, smiling brightly at Remus.

"Hey, Moony, what's up?" James asked, grinning.

"Hey, Prongs," he said vaguely before turning to Lily. "Lil, I thought you were supposed to be writing Transfiguration essays with Rowan." The confused expression on her face confirmed his suspicions – she _had_ lied.

"What?" she asked, eyebrows furrowed. "No, I haven't seen her all day."

"Oh, I guess I was mistaken then," he said, trying to play it off. His blood was boiling. He needed a walk. "James, can I borrow the map? I skipped dinner and want to stop by the kitchens," he said blandly.

"Yeah, sure," James said, looking a little confused at Remus' stiff posture. "Here," he said as he pulled the map from his back pocket and handed it to the lighter haired boy.

"Cheers," Remus mumbled, turning on his heel and walking back towards the Portrait Hole.

"What map?" he heard Lily ask accusingly. James laughed nervously.

* * *

The surge of anger that Remus had felt in the Common Room had dulled to a slow seething ache as he thought about Rowan. He knew that there had been a distinct wall between them, but he didn't think Rowan would ever go so far as to lie in order to avoid him. He couldn't help but keep thinking bitterly that _she_ had insisted on being friends again. How could she have asked that of him when she clearly wasn't ready?

But really, could he blame her? She was too good to allow herself to hold a grudge against him, despite all the ways that he'd hurt her, but there was only so much that she'd be able to take before she started to resent him. He knew that it'd be better off that way, logically. It'd be easier for her to let go of him if she hated him. It'd be easier to protect her from himself, but he also knew that the day she began to hate him would be the day that he'd completely lose hope for himself – for what kind of terrible person could make someone as good as her hate him?

Obviously, he was that terrible person, he thought bitterly.

But there was something else that he was missing. She'd been avoiding him, yes, but there was something she was hiding for a reason beyond the obvious tension between them. He'd seen her creeping around the dungeons and the Owlery, and he knew it wasn't for school. Another obvious answer would be that she was sneaking off to meet some boy, and although he knew deep down it wasn't true, the dark voice at the back of his mind roared deafeningly at the thought of anyone else touching her.

As he approached the pear, he remembered the way Rowan would giggle along with it as she tickled its side, and he suddenly felt incredibly lonely. He reached up to stroke the pear, and when it giggled, it sounded foreign to him, strange without its usual accompanying harmony. He walked through the corridor to the kitchen and was startled to see someone already sitting at one of the long tables.

Seated in front of a large pile of old books was Rowan, looking mortified to see him.


	35. Of Cold Fury & Old Promises

**A/N**: Some harsh language ahead.

**S38:** Thank you, thank you! But you might be mad at me for a while. It would be no fun without some longing, right?

**nessafly:** Haaaaa you have you no idea how dumbly I grin every time I read your review. I think I've read over it like 15 times now. I'm trying not to feel too proud, but it really delights me. Thanks again for the amazingly kind comments.

Dialogue is also the part that frustrates me most. I have to reread the dialogue out loud like 5 times before I'm comfortable with it, especially the intense scenes [like this one].

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 35: Of Cold Fury and Old Promises**

When Rowan saw Remus standing in the Hogwarts kitchens, she knew she was in a tight spot. She'd been sneaking around the Restricted Section of the library again after hours, scouring through some grisly material about lycanthropic transformations when she'd realized that she hadn't eaten dinner and was actually quite hungry, so she'd tucked a few books into her bag and snuck down to the kitchens where Dotty whipped her up a quick supper. She'd been enjoying a strong cup of post-dinner coffee – for she knew she'd up late again perusing her notes for Belby – when she heard someone else enter. Her initial panic had been mollified for a moment when she realized that only she and the Marauders ever went there late at night, but when she saw Remus standing there, the panic came rushing back tenfold.

There was something in his expression that she'd never seen him aim at her before – anger. The only time she'd ever made him angry was the time he snapped at her in the library at the end of their Fifth Year, but she couldn't really count that as it had only lasted a brief second before he was apologizing to her. But this was different. This wasn't the look of pent up annoyance – she could see a dark rage swirling in him that made her blood run cold.

"Hi" she greeted squeakily.

"How's your Transfiguration essay coming along?" His voice was deathly calm, and it made her tremble.

"Great," she said, a little too shrilly.

"Really? Because I just saw Lily up in the Common Room, and she said she hadn't seen you all day," he said, still in that cold voice.

Rowan knew she'd been caught, but she couldn't for the life of her understand what had made Remus so dangerously angry. She'd lied to him – so what? He had no right to know where she was all the time, and even when they'd been together, she'd blown him off plenty of times to study alone when she needed to cram. Sure, she had never lied about it, but they weren't together anymore. She wasn't even entirely sure _what_ they were, even though they called each other friends. She felt a burning anger well up inside of her as well.

"Okay, so I lied," she admitted. She noted there was a defiant undertone to her voice. "I'm sorry, but I had things that I needed to do."

"Why would that give you a reason to lie to me?" His eyes burned into her. "I would've accepted it if you'd just told me the truth. What's so important that you had to lie to me about it?" he demanded sharply.

Rowan felt her eyes dart instinctively to her books, which she realized she'd left open. Shit! He couldn't see those! But then she realized that she'd given herself away and screamed at herself mentally.

Because of course he'd noticed it – she never could get anything past him. "What are those?" he asked quietly.

"Potions books," Rowan said sharply. Her tone was harder than she'd intended for it to be. It screamed of guilt.

His nostrils flared angrily. Obviously, he wasn't buying her excuse. "Does this have something to do with where you've been disappearing to all this time?" he asked slowly. She could hear a threatening undertone there.

But she remained defiant, and the words came spilling out of her mouth in a rush. "It's none of your business! I don't understand why you feel like you need to know!" she declared fiercely. "It's my fucking business, and I don't want you in it!"

This was apparently the wrong thing to say, as he walked forward quickly before she had time to react. She jerked towards the book, but he quickly grabbed her arm that had shot out instinctively in a vice grip and picked up the book with his other hand, holding it beyond her reach. She saw his eyes skimming over the words and graphic images and felt the ice curl up her neck as she saw his face contort even more angrily than before. He looked like a different person. "Rowan, what the hell are you doing with this kind of information?" he asked dangerously.

Rowan felt her anger burn white. "It's got nothing to do with you, so stay the fuck out of it!"

She saw his eyes flash. He threw the book back onto the table with a loud thud before grabbing her by the upper arms roughly and thrusting his face into hers. "Don't you dare say that this has got nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with me!" he half-shouted at her. She felt her fear rise at the raw fury in his face, but she forced it back. She was furious.

"_How dare you? _Not everything that I do has to do with you! How much more self-absorbed could you possibly be?" she cried angrily. His face remained indignant. "You have no right to go through my things or know what I do with my spare time! You gave up any right to that the moment you abandoned me!" She slightly regretted the words as they left her mouth, but they were the truth, and she wasn't in the mood to mince words at that moment.

He seemed to freeze at her words, but when he finally spoke again, face still dangerously close, it was frigid, "This has to do with that man you spoke to earlier this month, doesn't it?" he said lowly.

The sudden change in his tone startled her. She felt the fear rise in her again, and she had to fight to keep it down. "I _said_ it's none of your business," she spat venomously, yanking her arms violently from his grip. "Now give me back my book." She thrust her hand out, and they stood in silence, assessing each other.

His eyes burned again. "Rowan, I don't know who that man was, but I know what you're doing, and if you don't stop this, I'll turn you into Dumbledore for stealing from the Restricted Section during after hours," he said quietly, threateningly.

For a moment, Rowan went blind with white rage. She could barely hold herself back from throwing her body at Remus and striking him as hard as she could. She had never felt so angry, so mind-numbingly _furious_. But she knew that he was serious, and she had to come up with a worse threat than his. Belby would surely revoke all offers of apprenticeship if he found out that she'd been "borrowing" restricted school property to help along her research.

"Remus, if you try to stop me, I will tell everyone your secret," she said quietly.

He looked as if she'd struck him across the face, and the hurt that appeared there made her want to vomit. She bit back the immediate apology that sprang to her throat. The last time she'd seen him look that way was when she'd found him crying on the castle grounds in May. She had to fight the nauseating guilt and hot stinging behind her eyes.

They stood in silence, and the longer that she looked at him, the harder it was to keep herself together. She needed to get out of there now.

Rowan pushed past Remus quickly, and he made no move to stop her – he stood like a statue, unmoving, unseeing. She noted vaguely that her breath was coming in loud rushes. She was desperately fighting back a sob that threatened to tear through her at any moment, packing her bag in a flurry of papers and arms. When she finally moved to leave, grabbing James' Invisibility Cloak and turning toward the door, she stopped and looked back at him. He still hadn't moved.

"Remus, you can hate me all you want," she said quietly, her voice quavering. "But this is the path that I've chosen, and I'm going to see it through till the end, whether you agree with it or not." She paused, unsure if she should say what was threatening to come out but decided she no longer cared. "I will always love you," she said quietly. His mouth quivered. "But I made a promise to myself and to you, and even if you don't want me anymore, I'm going to do this." She looked at him hard, taking in his profile and committing it to memory, before turning and rushing out the door, wrapping the Invisibility Cloak around her shoulders. Only when she'd put at least three flights of stairs between them did she allow the powerful sobs to tear through her.


	36. Of Motherly Love & Interventions

**A/N**: This was a really difficult chapter to write. Please let me know if it came out okay.

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 36**: **Of Motherly Love and Interventions**

The Marauders were quite overwhelmed, for Remus had withdrawn into himself again, and it seemed that he would remain there indefinitely. What was new, however, was the hot anger that would contort in Rowan's face at the mere mention of his name, and no matter what they asked her about what had happened between them, her response was always something along the lines of, "He's a fucking prat, and that's all I have to say about it."

The two hadn't spoken for nearly three weeks. Rowan's emotions towards her former boyfriend – former friend – would cycle through rotating periods of rage and guilt-stricken grief. Whenever she thought of Remus' audacity to threaten her to get her to stop her research, she felt that same overwhelming burning in her face. But then she'd reason that he'd done it with good intentions and that her returning threat had been particularly cruel. When she remembered the look on his face as the scathing words had left her mouth, her eyes stung with shameful tears, and she'd return back to grief.

But the whole reason they'd fought to begin with was because he was angry that she'd lied to get out of their study date! How could he put forth any claim over her time when she was already going out of her way to forgive him for leaving her? She thought that if he didn't care enough to stay with her and trust that she could make her own decisions about being with him then he didn't deserve to have any particular stake in her personal affairs. She wanted to be Damocles Belby's apprentice, and he'd have to drag her through hell and back to keep that from happening.

It was December again, close to the end of the term, and Rowan had thrown herself completely into her studies, determined to do perfectly on her Potions exam even if it killed her. She mused that she'd begun to look like Remus with pale skin and dark rings beneath her eyes. She was still corresponding regularly with Belby, though her midnight trips to the Restricted Section of the library had decreased.

When she'd informed him that she'd have limited access to research materials over the Christmas holidays, he'd sent her a scathing letter demanding that she continue her research over the break, threatening to revoke her pending apprenticeship if she didn't follow through. The stress of not knowing how she'd be able to achieve this was overwhelming, for she'd already sent him all of her notes on her family's collection of books – where was she going to find enough material to convince him that she still deserved his tutelage? She considered staying at Hogwarts for the break, but when her mother wrote to her sounding desperate for her to come home, she found that she couldn't bring herself to say no. Her rejection from Belby's good graces seemed imminent.

The last day of exams arrived quickly, and she was thrilled and relieved when she aced her Potions exam with perfect marks – one less thing to worry about. Professor Slughorn had been ecstatic, showering her with praise in front of their entire class, much to her chagrin, though she couldn't help but relish the bitter looks the Slytherins shot her way.

James and Sirius were, once again, planning their New Year's Eve party in the Common Room, but the thought of being there when she should be doing research made her feel sick. When she'd informed them that she was thinking about sitting it out, they'd berated her in front of the entire Common Room, earning a chorus of mocking laughs and booing from her peers, much to her horror. Remus shot her a particularly mournful look that sent her reeling, and she was terrified that she'd start crying in front of her whole house. She finally relented just to get them to stop tormenting her, though she was still planning on simply not showing up at the last minute, determined not to see Remus.

* * *

She found it ironic that the holidays were referred to as a "break," for hers almost seemed like more work than school. The day she arrived home, she immediately took to the manor library, tearing through books like a madwoman for even the smallest bit of information to send to Belby, but she couldn't find anything that was compelling enough to be worth his time. Her mother and Alfred showed desperate concern for the girl, but every time they confronted her with questions, she looked like she'd break down at any moment, refusing to answer them and diving back into her reading.

Rowan was sitting in the library the night before she had to write back to Belby, and she was frantic. She'd been scouring through their library for days with barely any sleep, but she had no new information to send him. She was terrified – how could her apprenticeship end before it'd even begun? How would she ever free Remus from his damned curse if she couldn't convince this one man that she was worth the investment of teaching? After all of the sacrifices that she'd made – losing her best friend and physically tearing her body down – it couldn't end like this! She was manic with desperation, hot tears stinging behind her eyes.

Her thoughts were so loud in her own head that she didn't even hear her mother enter the room.

Rowan felt the book in her hands being pulled away from her, but it seemed so surreal, so impossible, that she didn't realize that it was actually happening until it'd completely left her hands. Her panic doubled until she saw her mother standing in front of her holding the book and skimming over the page that she had open.

"_What are you doing?"_ she asked shrilly. She was desperate. She could already feel the hot tears threatening to spill out.

"You are going to tell me what this is all about right now," her mother commanded quietly. "I've stood by and watched you break down slowly in this room for the past week, and you are going to tell me what is so damn important that you can't leave this library." Her voice was low, but Rowan could hear the threat lacing her words. She trembled.

"I can't," she gasped. Her mother looked down at her with furrowed brows and a stern mouth. "I can't. I want to, but I can't," she whispered.

Carole Delacroix assessed her daughter. She looked like she might break down at any moment, and her heart ached for her.

"You're researching lycanthropy," she said quietly. It was a statement, not a question, and Rowan's eyes widened at her mother's precise deduction. Her mother breathed slowly. "This has to do with that Lupin boy, doesn't it?" she asked softly.

Rowan heard the deafening rushing of blood in her ears. "How do you know that?" she whispered, horrified. How could her mother have possibly found out? Was his secret already out? Would everyone at school know by the time they returned? She couldn't breathe.

Her mother looked down at her, pained. Her eyebrows were still furrowed, and Rowan could see her fighting a series of conflicts in her mind.

"If you think that I wouldn't run Ministry checks on the one boy my daughter has been in love with for years, then you certainly don't know me very well," she said defiantly.

"_You knew?"_ Rowan asked. She felt the blood drain from her face. Ministry checks?

"Of course I knew," Carole replied softly. "I probably know more about his condition than you do. I know that you've been in love with this boy since you were fourteen. I know that he was bitten by an evil, terrible man at the age of four. I could go on," she listed. Rowan was shocked - even she hadn't known about his initial bite. "What I don't know is why you're researching his condition now as if your life depended on it. This can't possibly be for Remus."

Rowan shook her head fiercely. "No," she choked. "Remus won't even look at me," she cried. Her tears were flowing freely now. The thought of Remus broke through all of her restraint. "No, I'm doing this for Damocles Belby because if I don't, he won't accept me as his apprentice, and if I don't convince him that I'm worth taking on, then I'll never be able to free Remus from this!" She was sobbing.

Carole seemed to absorb all of the information slowly, looking over her daughter's face with pain and pity. She didn't say anything but slowly moved to her desk on the far side of the room, a large cherry wooden expanse with ornately carved drawers. She pulled a drawer open and reached in, bringing out a large binder full of yellow notes and parchment. She brought it over to Rowan, who looked at it with confusion. What was happening here?

"I was going to save this until you completed your apprenticeship," her mother said quietly. "I was hoping to have more completed by then so you'd have something to solid to start with, but you seem to need it now." She opened it to the first page, and Rowan saw pages upon pages of diagrams and notes, information that she'd never seen or imagined – all about lycanthropy. How long had her mother been working on this?

She suddenly heard Alfred's words from two years ago echo though her head: _She's also taken to her potion making once again. I get the feeling she's been doing some research in her spare time as well._

Rowan looked up at her mother dumbstruck, who was gazing down at her sadly. Who was this woman? How could she possibly have known to do all of this? Rowan had mentioned her plans to enter an apprenticeship, but she'd never alluded to her real ambitions, and she avoided talking to her mother about Remus if she could help it. How had any of this happened?

Her head was reeling with questions. But her mother had never looked so beautiful as at that very moment, and she was overwhelmed by how very much she loved her. She wanted to tell her how important she was to her, how everything she had was thanks to her, but she couldn't find the words.

She leapt to her feet and threw her arms around her mother, sobbing with deep, choking gasps. The older woman wrapped her arms around her waist and squeezed her tightly. Her mother had never seemed so small, so frail, and she wondered sadly when she'd grown so much taller than her.

The next morning, Alfred found both Delacroix women in the library asleep on the couch with Rowan's head in her mother's lap, clutching her hand desperately. He smiled softly, relieved. It seemed that she'd found what she'd been looking for.

* * *

Belby had been ecstatic with the notes that Rowan had sent him. What she'd sent barely scratched the surface of her mother's binder, but they were full of such incredibly rich and novel ideas that even a few pages were enough to discuss throughout the night, which is what led them to falling asleep on the library couch in the early morning hours.

Rowan's discovery of her mother's incredible insight, dedication and research made her see Carole in a whole new light, and she began entertaining thoughts of possibly opening an apothecary with her after she finished her apprenticeship. Even if her mother was too weak to do much of the labor, she was strong enough to carry the both of them. She suddenly realized from whom she'd inherited her brilliance, and she mourned even more that her mother had never taken the opportunity to explore her genius in a professional career.

When New Year's Eve came, Rowan had every intention of spending it at home with her parents and Alfred, ignoring the letters that came with the Potters' owl from James and Sirius demanding that she come back to Hogwarts early. She had rediscovered a closeness with her mother that she hadn't felt in years, and even her father had noticed the new warmth between them and had been struck with a sudden wave of attentiveness, choosing to come home early for dinner for the past few nights. Her mother had been delighted. She felt content to just quietly pass the coming of the New Year with her family.

But the Marauders obviously had different plans, as James and Sirius appeared in her kitchen at exactly 5 p.m. looking outraged.

"What do you think you're doing?" demanded James.

Rowan had been helping her mother prepare dinner when James and Sirius came barging in, arms flailing and faces contorted with anger. She jumped at the sudden voice.

"Wha-?" she looked around at them bewildered. Her hands were covered in flour, which she was sure she'd gotten in her hair as well. It seemed surreal that they were there at all. This was all too absurd.

Her father was sitting in the breakfast nook with a copy of the _Daily Prophet_. He'd barely even looked up to greet the two boys before returning to it, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Rowan thought that she might be having a stroke.

"_What do you think you're doing?"_ James shouted, repeating himself. She'd never seen him look so indignant. "How can you just stand us up like this after practically disappearing for three weeks before end of term? This is bull shit!"

"James!" Mrs. Delacroix scolded sharply.

"Sorry, Carole," he said sheepishly for a moment before turning back to Rowan with his anger turned back on. "You are coming back with us whether you like it or not, Rowan! You've had plenty of time to mourn over Remus, and he's a stupid git who doesn't deserve it anyway. So go upstairs and get your bags now because we're leaving!"

Rowan was still lost for words. She had no idea how to respond to so many stimuli all at once. She felt bad for making her friends worry, but she wanted to stay there with her mother, whom she'd finally begun to really understand. She didn't want to just leave her parents. It wouldn't be right!

"Get going, Winnie."

Rowan looked at her mother, startled. "But, Mum-" she started.

"No," Carole said firmly, raising a hand to silence her daughter. "Your father and I are old cronies who can take care of ourselves. We've got that old tart here to keep us company so don't worry about us. Besides, you need to get back to the castle and make up with that stupid boy because Alfred and I are getting tired of your lovesick sighing and groveling," she said haughtily, hands on her hips.

Richard snorted in derision – obviously disagreeing with his wife – but continued to read the paper without saying anything.

Rowan was at a loss for words. "But I-I haven't even packed," she said weakly. "I need to shower and look more presentable."

Carole raised a delicate eyebrow. "Oh, really, when has looking presentable ever mattered to you?" she teased. Sirius barked with laughter. "And I already had Alfred pack your things for you. James sent a Patronus ahead of time informing us that they'd be coming to pick you up." She said smilingly. "And it was lovely, by the way. Was that a stag?" she asked pleasantly to James, who nodded proudly and puffed out his chest.

"Just like his father!" bellowed her father, slapping a firm hand to James' back proudly.

"But I-" Rowan stammered. She still had no idea what was happening. Was her mother really encouraging her to go to a party? She'd essentially just given her blessing for her daughter to date a werewolf! And although they hadn't told her father about Remus' condition, he'd made no objection to any of it either!

"Come on, Winnie!" James shouted, pulling her by the arm out of the kitchen. "By Carole, Richard!" he called out behind him. Sirius grinned and waved.

"Bye, darlings! Have a good time!" she called after them, laughter in her voice. Her father waved absentmindedly.

Rowan felt herself being thrown around as if she were in a whirlwind. She suddenly felt herself being shoved back into her room, where she changed into normal clothes and attempted to tame her hair momentarily, before they tore into her room again, grabbed her bags, and dragged her to the front door. Alfred hugged her briefly before opening the door for them, and as soon as they hit the pavement, she felt herself being sucked into the void via Side-Along Apparition to Hogsmeade.


	37. Of Chases & New Year's Kisses

**A/N**: This was the most frustratingly difficult chapter I've had to write so far. I hope it doesn't come across as stiff.

**nessafly & GingerX**: You guys are the fucking best, seriously. You totally get where I'm coming from with this, and I LOVE IT. I wanted Rowan to be someone who could stand strongly by herself with or without the love of her life. Also, Carole's character is modeled loosely after my mother, so hearing you both admire her hits right at home. I'm really interested in exploring the different expressions of female strength in this story - can't wait to showcase the next one, though it may be a while.

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 37: Of Chases and New Year's Kisses**

Rowan wanted to curl up and die.

The Marauders' party had only been underway for about an hour, and she was already wishing that she could be anywhere else. She was so angry that James and Sirius had dragged her back to school and kept wistfully imagining her parents and Alfred sitting in the kitchen enjoying butterbeer and conversation without her. Mina had come this year again, but for some reason that Rowan couldn't identify, she was nearly as jumpy as Rowan. Even though they'd stuck together for large parts of the night, their conversations were so awkward and forced that they'd eventually come to a silent agreement to just not talk, choosing to quietly keep each other company.

Lily, however, was there this year, which had surprised Rowan a bit, but she barely got to talk to her at all because the Head Girl had been attached to the hip of the Head Boy the entire night. It was obvious that the pair were seeing each other, even if they hadn't put labels on their relationship yet. The two of them had been standing off to the side or cuddled up on the couch with such giddy looks on their faces that Rowan felt dirty for even looking at them. She cringed internally – did she and Remus look like that when they were dating?

Sirius looked nearly as miserable as Rowan. Though the combination of Sirius, Remus, and Peter was often surprisingly exciting, Remus was completely useless, still looking as dazed and withdrawn as he had at the end of the term, and no one would ever describe Peter as a particularly outgoing or entertaining figure. Sirius was trying desperately to engage his mates but seemed to be on the verge of giving up.

Luckily, there seemed to be many people there this year, so no one else seemed to have noticed the group's strange behavior over the loud shouting and music. Rowan was trying to hold a conversation with her roommates Lacey Jones and Suzanne Bowlin but was having a very hard time matching their level of enthusiasm. When they began gossiping about New Year's Eve kisses and whom they wanted to snog that night, she suddenly felt very overwhelmed and excused herself, saying that she needed some fresh air. She needed to get away from these people.

* * *

Remus saw Rowan exit out of the Portrait Hole and felt his throat constrict. He'd been watching her all night, vaguely noticing Sirius' attempts to engage him. He wanted to talk to her desperately but hadn't seen any opportunities to. He scowled to himself. Even if there had been an opportunity, he didn't even know what he was going to say to her, let alone convince her out of her decision.

When he'd seen her in the Hogwarts kitchens that night at the end of November, he'd been so inexplicably angry. He was ashamed to admit it, but he was jealous and bitter that she'd seemed to have moved on already and wasn't interested in resuming their close friendship despite saying that she did. Every time he saw her talking to another boy or emerging from the dungeons again, he felt a raging jealousy in his stomach. He missed her desperately, and he was bent on being as close to her as he could, even if he couldn't _be_ with her. He kept telling himself that just having her near, having her safe and happy was enough for him, but when he saw her retreating away from him, the dark presence in the back of his mind shot its hand out to pull her back.

But he hadn't imagined the true nature of what she'd been doing in her secret wanderings. When he'd seen the images in the book he'd grabbed from her – images that he knew, that he recognized with a churning in his stomach as himself – terror had shot through him. How could she possibly still be bent on doing this, when he'd hurt her and rejected her? She shouldn't want anything to do with his condition. She should be safe! He felt everything that he'd done, all the ways that he'd hurt both of them, fall away to nothing. How was he supposed to protect her if she pursued this?

So he'd threatened her, and the anger that had flashed in her eyes almost made him rethink. It wasn't the usual fire that he saw but frigid and howling. He was almost convinced that he'd finally made her hate him.

But when she'd whispered those icy words back to him, it was as if all the air in his lungs had been sucked from his mouth. He couldn't breathe, couldn't believe that this girl, his kind Rowan, could say something so cold, so cruel. The hurt that he saw on her face as the words left her mouth left him reeling, unseeing. He barely registered her soft parting words as she turned to leave.

He'd spent the next month playing the entire scene in his head over and over again. He thought about how he'd left her, how her face had been taking on those yearning distant looks recently. His mind replayed her summer letters – how much had it hurt her to write those, pretending that she was okay? She'd tried so hard to forgive him despite all the reasons not to, always taking what little he had to offer her with warm smiles and ready arms. He thought about her fiery exchange with the intimidating wizard in the Great Hall, how her eyes had sparked, and he realized with shame that he'd watched her shake hands with the devil without even knowing it – _for him_.

He thought about her words before he'd left for that terrible transformation: _I'll always worry_.

He was overcome with grief. How could he have let this happen? He never should have thought that he could be with her. He should have known that he was too dangerous, too inhuman to possibly make someone like her happy. He should have known that she wouldn't accept their breakup and move on. She'd told him. _She'd told him!_ They weren't just flighty words – _she'd told him_ her secret ambitions, and he'd forgotten all about them, assuming that she'd forget them too. If he had just kept his damn feelings to himself last fall, none of this would have happened, and they'd still be friends!

But she hadn't forgotten, and now she was in deep. He wanted to kill that wizard, that damned Potions Master. Just who the hell was he? It'd been obvious by her reaction to the man that she'd been waiting for _him_ to come. All of her other conversations with recruiting employers had been formalities. She'd wanted to meet _him_, and Remus was desperate to know who he was.

But through it all, he was most ashamed to realize that no matter how much grief or guilt he felt, he could never truly walk away from her. He needed her in his life in some form, even if it was just a small glimmer of her. He thought he might disappear if he didn't have her light, and the thought of her hating him, her icy disdain, knocked the air from his lungs.

Ignoring Sirius' questions, he walked toward the Portrait Hole after her. He had to convince her to stop all of this.

* * *

The cold marble of the staircase railings was cold against Rowan's palm as she dragged it along, walking down the moving stairs at a sticky pace. It was soothing and smooth, grounding Rowan in the present as her slow thoughts threatened to snatch her from her body.

She'd been in such a good place at home. Her family finally had a shining moment of peace, and she had been floating on the pleased tone of Belby's letters. Why did James and Sirius have to drag her away from it, when she was so happy?

The sight of Remus had hit her hard, and she'd had to collect herself with shaky breaths in her room before Lily dragged her and Mina downstairs to the Common Room, no doubt excited about the kiss she'd receive from James later that night. She'd tried to avoid Remus the entire evening, but she could feel his steady gaze upon her, and it made her skin crawl with anxiety.

She wasn't exactly sure where she was going, but she mused that it was technically not after hours, as there were no lessons. The teachers were all undoubtedly drinking somewhere with each other, not patrolling the hallways for wandering students. She smiled lightly with mirth at the thought of a drunk Professor Slughorn stealing a kiss from an irate Professor McGonagall at midnight. She'd pay good money to see something like that.

She was feeling so eerily calm in the cold dark, looking up at the moon spilling in through the high windows of Gryffindor Tower, that she didn't even hear the footsteps approach her until it was too late. When she finally turned to see Remus standing a flight above her, her stomach dropped, and she felt the blood rush from her face. He was the last person she wanted to see.

Rowan was at a loss for words. Remus had a strange yet determined expression on his face, eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed tightly. She felt a dull ache between excitement at seeing him and raw mortification. She couldn't find her voice.

"Rowan," he said beseechingly. It echoed around the silence between them.

The sound of her name on his voice sounded so foreign and detached. She wasn't sure what to do or how to react. She could hear her heart pounding in her head and a strange tingling in her legs.

She was surprised at the sudden surge of anger that erupted in her chest. It startled her with its intensity, and it hit her suddenly with such a force that it knocked the words from her throat. Her eyes burned into him, and his face seemed to wash over with fear at the sudden burst of emotions on her face. She couldn't talk to this boy. She needed to get away from him. She felt her legs tearing down the stairs away from him before she could even think to stop herself.

"Wait!" she heard him shout after her, feet scrambling down the stairs.

Rowan was panicking. She was sprinting as hard as she could, lungs searing, but knew she couldn't outrun him long and had absolutely no ideas as to where to go. He was too close behind her to slip into any classrooms unnoticed. How was she going to get away from him? She felt herself instinctively reach for her wand.

She turned suddenly, and shock flashed across his face as he saw her pull her wand out and shout, "_Depulso!"_ at a nearby shelf of books, sending a mass of large texts flying at him with a flash of white light before turning and running again.

Remus felt his throat constrict with panic as he pulled out his wand and shouted instinctively, "_Protego!"_ The books ricocheted off his Shield Charm and hit the wall with a series of echoing thuds. "_Seriously, Rowan?"_ he shouted at her as he took off after her again. "Just wait a minute!"

"_Leave me alone!"_ she shouted back at him angrily. Why was this happening? She wasn't even sure why she was running anymore, but the thought of being caught by him now was horrifying, and she needed to put as much distance between them as possible.

But he was quickly gaining on her, and she was panicking. She didn't want to hex him, but if she didn't do something, he was going to catch her. What could she possibly say to him at this point?

She turned and stopped again. He had nearly reached her. Terror seized her arm. "_Patellum Revers-"_ she began, but Remus had whipped his wand out before she could finish and shouted, "_Silencio!"_

She felt the words sucked from her mouth, and she found that she couldn't even scream. Fury overtook her, and her body shook with rage. The rage paralyzed her limbs momentarily, and before she could move, Remus had reached her, grabbing both of her wrists as she flailed out to hit him, pushing her back against the wall.

The force of her back hitting the cold surface knocked the wind out of her for a moment, but she couldn't even gasp. Her missing voice was infuriating, and she kept trying to scream at him, thrashing her arms desperately to get out of his hold, but his grip was firm, and she quickly found herself completely pinned by the wrists.

He was grunting with effort to control her violent movements, half-shouting at her, "Row-Rowan! Stop it! I said stop it!" But she wasn't listening, now using her knees to push at him. He felt his breath knocked from him for a moment as she landed a hard knee to his stomach. "Rowan. Rowan! LISTEN TO ME!" he roared.

She froze. She'd never heard Remus raise his voice in anger, and it frightened her to the core. She looked up at him and found Remus staring her down. She could see that he was fighting his anger, but he still looked fiercely determined to be heard out. She was ashamed at the tremble that rippled through her. They were both panting heavily.

"I'm going to let go of you and let you speak again, but you have to promise me that you'll hear what I have to say, okay?" he said slowly, stressing each word.

Rowan glared scathingly at him. How dare he take her voice away from her and put her in this position? It was humiliating!

"_Promise me!" _he commanded. The ferocity in his voice made her tremble again. She nodded slowly and felt his hands cautiously loosen their grip from her wrists before slowly dropping to his sides. He raised his wand to Rowan's throat and whispered, "_Eloquoro."_

She felt something force down her throat like a gush of wind, and she gasped. She choked on her own voice for a moment before looking back up at him glaringly. He had stepped away from her but still remained very close, looking down at her guiltily.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" she gasped angrily.

His eyebrows furrowed with anger. "What's wrong with _me?_ _You_ were the one who started throwing spells!"

Rowan stood straight and glared at him. "What kind of person chases after someone that obviously doesn't want to speak to them? I had every right to!"

They glared each other down, both seething. Finally, she saw something flicker in Remus' face before it softened slightly.

"I'm sorry," he said stiffly, "but I had to find a way to talk to you. You have to hear me out."

Rowan snorted. "Well, you've got me here now, so might as well get on with it," she said derisively, an edge still attached to her voice.

Remus didn't speak. He continued to look at her with that same look he'd given her before their chase. Rowan started getting angry again.

"Look, if you're not going to say anything, then I-" she started angrily.

"You have to stop this," he interjected, looking fierce. Rowan gaped at him, confused. Stop this…?

Oh. The anger from before erupted in her stomach and burned its way up her throat.

"How dare you," she spat. "You have absolutely _no_ right to tell me what I can and can't do. I already told you that I'm going to pursue this whether you like it or not, so stay out of my fucking business!"

She saw the anger flare in his eyes, and she trembled again. No matter how many times she saw it, it still sent icy tendrils shooting up her spine.

"You don't fucking get it!" he shouted. "Don't you understand? This is beyond both of us! You're going to waste your life away looking for a cure that doesn't exist! You can't save me, Rowan! I've already accepted it, so _why can't you?" _He was bordering on hysteria.

Rowan was terrified. She'd never seen Remus like this. He was manic, face red with fury. She imagined for a moment that she could see the werewolf raging inside of him. Her blood went cold.

Remus was frantically searching her face for some kind of response, looking like he needed to break something.

"You have to let go of me, Rowan," he cried desperately. "You have to let go of me! I will never be able to live with myself if…" he trailed off. He covered his eyes, unable to look at her.

They were so close to each other – not even an arm's length apart – but Remus felt so far from her, like there were worlds between them. The space between them was painful, and he was struck with the realization that he would be forever forced to stay this way – just within reach of her but unable to touch. It was overwhelming. Everything inside him ached.

The fear inside of Rowan cut into her at the shrillness of Remus' voice. He was desperate. She could see him mentally groping blindly for any argument that he could feed her. The guilt welled up – he was trying so hard to protect her, but she wouldn't budge. She knew that she was going to have to make him hate her, to make him push her away with disgust, but she couldn't find the words or the courage.

Grief – it overwhelmed her.

"Can't you see?" she asked desperately. Her voice came out hushed and windy. He was so still now, so eerily calm, still not looking at her. "This is my choice," she whispered. Tears stung bitterly at her eyes, but she blinked them away. "This is my choice," she said, more firmly, louder. "You've already selfishly decided the other for me." She cringed inwardly at the accusatory sound but remained steadfast. "But this one is mine. Even if you don't believe that I can do this, even if you hate me," her voice trembled. He looked distraught. "I'm going to see this through to the end with or without you," she said fiercely.

His eyes were wide with a manic desperation. He grabbed her roughly at the shoulders. "_Why?_" he demanded, shaking her. "Why can't you just be happy_?_ All I want is for you to _be happy!_" His face was dangerously close to hers. She could see the desperate tears forming in his eyes. "Can't you see what you've done? You're going to be miserable because of _me!_" She could feel his weight in her shoulders, as if he couldn't stand without supporting himself on her.

"No," she whispered. The words forced their way out of her mouth before she could stop them. "I will be miserable because you didn't love me enough to give me the choice," she finished bitterly. The tears had finally spilled.

She saw something break inside of Remus, and then she was slammed back into the wall with his mouth covering hers desperately. She instinctively pushed at him, but he grabbed her by the wrists and pinned them to the wall again. She felt his tongue force its way into her mouth, and though she knew she should fight it, she felt herself being swept away by his ferocity, attempting weakly to keep up with his brutal pace. His teeth scored her lips, and though she could feel them swell and bruise, heat shot through her that made her ache with need. A whimper escaped from her throat.

But then he tore away from her, and she crumpled to her knees painfully, unable to find her legs. He was panting with his face in his hands. She could see his shoulders trembling – he was crying. She felt the wetness on her cheeks and wondered if they were his or hers.

Finally, he removed his hands from his face, and she saw a look of deep shame there. She felt more tears spill from her eyes. He was so out of reach – why couldn't she reach him?

Then he turned and began to walk away. He looked so small. It seemed so slow, so surreal. Was this all just a strange dream?

She felt a small bubble of panic rise in her throat. "Remus," she whispered, but he didn't look back at her. The panic began to froth. "Remus!" she called after him. _Please don't, please don't_, she heard frantically in her mind. It was as if his Silencing Charm had dried up the words in her mouth again.

But he didn't slow or quicken his pace. He just kept walking and eventually she saw him turn a corner and disappear without looking back.


	38. Of Third Wheels, Snow & Protection

**A/N**: Ugh, why have these chapters been so hard to write? It's like each one is harder than the last. I think I'm finally starting to hit a block… This one is particularly long and emotionally draining.

**loulouflowerpower:** Sorry for ending on a cliffhanger - didn't mean it that way! I hope this makes up for it.

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 38: Of Third Wheels, Snow, and Protection**

Rowan felt sick. Lily and James had officially been dating for three weeks – James had asked her to be his girlfriend on New Year's Eve [Rowan thought she'd strangle Lily if she heard the story one more time] – and Rowan wondered why she'd never realized that the two were basically perfect for each other. The relationship had given the redhead a certain glow that Rowan envied, and she mused that James' face would snap any day now if he kept grinning so maniacally. More and more frequently, she found herself as a third wheel, awkwardly sitting with the two of them in the Great Hall or Common Room, feeling strangely dirty for being near them. She thought that if she stared too long at their light, she might go blind.

Rowan wanted desperately to be happy for Lily and James, but the memories of _her_ New Year's Eve still left a bitter taste in her mouth. After their heated argument, Remus had kissed her like a starved man and then ran away from her like she was a plague, leaving her on the cold floor of the Fifth Floor corridors. He always seemed to be leaving her to cry alone, she thought sourly. She'd tried to seek him out over the next few days, but when he made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with her, she began to resign herself to the fact that she'd not only lost him as her boyfriend, but also as her friend.

Just as she'd sworn to Remus, she'd maintained her fervent determination to become Damocles Belby's apprentice, and the Potions Master had continued to be pleased with her work, which seemed to be her only solace recently. Nothing seemed to be going right for her, from small things like spilling a pitcher of pumpkin juice all over the house table to big things like screwing up a Second Year's potions homework because she'd told him the wrong information. Her mother's letters informed her sadly that her father had gone back to his usual negligence and that Alfred had severely burnt his hand in a cooking accident recently so he wouldn't be able to write to her for some time. That week, Professor McGonagall yelled at her in front of the entire class for nearly taking off poor Lacey Jones' eyebrows with a Human Transfiguration spell because she'd started dozing off, and even Professor Slughorn had been disappointed in her lackluster attempt at brewing Veritaserum despite having done it already in her nighttime practices in the dungeons. The snidely triumphant look on Severus Snape's face had made her want to punch both him and herself in the nose. Overall, it had been one of the worst weeks of her life.

This cloud of misfortune seemed to be following her everywhere. She was walking around the large Owlery tower staircase looking in the various nooks for Anfa to send her weekly update to Belby when she heard a strange moan.

Her eyes widened, and she felt her cheeks redden. It was the intimate moan of a lover. Her face burned. Why was this happening? Was she doomed to be a third wheel even for couples she didn't know? She heard another moan, but this time is was masculine. It was coming from just above her around the nook that Anfa usually slept in, but she couldn't just walk over there!

_Oh, sorry, don't mind me – just getting my owl… Carry on!_

She wanted to bang her head on the wall. She couldn't just say that! But she couldn't just leave without sending her letter to Belby! What was she supposed to do?

There was shuffling from above her and hushed voices. She panicked. If they looked over the edge of the staircase, they'd see her! Why was her luck so terrible? She looked around frantically for a place to hide, but it was completely open – the only way she'd possibly be able to pretend that she hadn't heard all of that was if she ran down two flights of stairs and pretended to be just arriving. She was about to try, turning frantically, but before she could move, she heard a voice call out.

"Rowan?"

She looked up and saw Mina and Sirius gaping down at her, faces pale.

"That was_ you_?" she blurted before she could stop herself. Her hand shot to her mouth in embarrassment.

Both of their faces went red – they knew they'd been caught.

"Winnie, I can explain," Sirius started in a rush. Mina's head jerked at him with a fearful look. What the hell was she so scared about? Rowan had no idea what was going on. Her head felt heavy.

"No," she blurted out. Sirius and Mina looked startled. "No, I can't deal with this right now," Rowan muttered. She could feel a headache coming on. "You two have to explain to me what's going on between you later, but right now, I don't think I can handle it. Just shove off and let me send my letter."

They both nodded their heads violently, and before she could say anything else, they were scrambling down the stairs past her, disappearing into the exit below.

* * *

It was so cold. Rowan's rear was freezing, sitting in the snow outside by herself, and she could feel it melting into her clothes. The sun was hanging low, and she felt strangely calm seeing the oranges and yellows blending into the sky. She was sitting on the hillside that she and Remus used to so frequently share, and though it brought her memories of warm afternoons together, the freshest one was still of his quiet voice telling her that he was leaving her. The memory put her in a strange daze.

_Sirius and Mina…_ She supposed she'd seen the chemistry between them, but she'd seen no signs that Sirius was still interested in Mina those past few months. Mina had never made any mention of seeing Sirius either. Why hadn't someone told her that they were together? She knew logically that she was overreacting – and under normal circumstances, she would've teased them and laughed at their embarrassing situation – but something about seeing them together after all of her bad luck from the past week was deeply unsettling. She felt even more bitter than she had been before, if that was even possible.

She'd sworn to herself that she'd be able to take this, that she'd push aside her personal feelings for Remus to do what was right, but losing his friendship had hurt so much more than she'd anticipated, like she'd woken up one day without one of her limbs. She knew that he was just trying to protect her, but the fact that he couldn't be happy that she'd finally made steps towards achieving her dreams left her devastated. She wondered sadly how she could have ever thought he was her best friend. The realization was somehow humiliating.

Her wet butt and legs were starting to go numb, but she couldn't find the energy to move. She mused darkly that she could just stay out there all night and freeze to death – she would no longer have to worry about werewolves or living her life out alone that way. The sun had just hit the horizon, and the sky was such a warm red that she wanted to be absorbed into it. She closed her eyes and imagined that if she tried hard enough, she would whisper away into smoke.

"Rowan?"

She looked up, startled, to see Remus about five feet away from her, looking confused and lost. What was happening to her? Was she hallucinating from being out in the cold for too long?

"What're you doing out here?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed.

She heard the words leave his mouth, but for some reason, it all seemed very detached and chaotic. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that he was standing there speaking to her.

"Rowan," he called out to her again, starting to look concerned. Her mind was completely blank, and she couldn't muster up the thoughts to even generate the words to respond. She turned back to see the setting sun, which had just begun to disappear behind the largest mountain. She focused on it and wished that she might fall beneath the earth as well.

"Rowan!"

She felt her body turn and jerk and saw Remus holding her shoulder tightly looking frantic. "Rowan, _what are you doing out here?_ It's freezing!" he said, shaking her lightly.

But she still couldn't find the words to speak. Everything he said seemed very obvious, stupid even – yes, it was freezing, but it didn't matter much to her. She was kind of hoping that she _would_ freeze. Why was he even out there? He'd made it very clear over the past month that he wasn't interested in speaking to her anymore – not when she didn't follow along with his martyr complex. None of it made sense, and she just wanted to become invisible and be left alone.

Then suddenly, she felt the pressure of the ground disappear and realized that she was being lifted into the air. Remus had scooped her out of the snow bridal-style and was carrying her back to the castle. She felt that familiar surge of anger burst in her.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she demanded hotly. "Put me down this instant!"

"No!" he shot back at her fiercely. The hardness of his face made her recoil with shock. How was this happening?

"What do you mean, _no?"_ she spat. "Remus Lupin, you fucking put me down right now or I'll-" she started.

"Or you'll _what – _shoot books at me again?" he snorted angrily. "If you don't quit your bitching, I'll put a Silencing Charm on you again!"

Rowan saw red. "How dare you!" she shouted. She hit him in the chest as hard as she could with her restrained arms, but she was tangled in her robes. He grunted in pain, though he kept walking. "_How dare you!_ You have _no_ right to be treating me like this – like, like some stupid child!"

"Then stop acting like one!" he shot back at her. She was _furious._

Rowan screamed in frustration and began thrashing – she kicked and flailed, hitting him as hard as she could until he dropped her. She grunted in pain at the landing, noting the large bruise she'd have on her hip and elbow later, but scrambled for her wand. Unfortunately, she was too slow to get her bearings, and Remus pointed his wand at her. "_Silencio!"_

She felt that terrible dryness in her mouth again and screamed in frustration, though no sound came out. Remus crouched down and grabbed her flailing arms before hauling her over his shoulder with ease and carrying her into the castle, ignoring her fists beating down at his back furiously. He kept her legs locked tightly under his arms.

Rowan was mortified as several students turned to stare at the two of them, now walking up the stairs. They pointed and laughed until seeing the blood-curdling fury on Rowan's face, and they scampered off, faces pale. She began to tire out, which only fueled her frustration, but her arms were sore from her wild flailing. She soon found herself feeling drained as the adrenaline left her. Her eyes welled up with hot tears. This was humiliating and horrifying and she just wanted Remus Lupin to curl up and _die_.

Finally after a long walk up the stairs, bouncing somewhat painfully on Remus' bony shoulder, she found them back in the Gryffindor Common Room. There were thankfully very few people there, but the Gryffindors who were looked bewildered at seeing the two of them together, let alone so intimately. Rowan thought he'd finally set her down, but he surprised her yet again by carrying her up the spiral staircase leading to the boys' dorms.

When he finally set her down on his bed, she didn't know what to do. Everything was happening so quickly. Hadn't she just been outside? She looked to the window and saw that the sky was a deep purple. How did she get there?

Remus leaned slightly so that he was face to face with her. His cheeks were pink from the exertion of carrying her all the way up the stairs. She wanted to glare at him but found that she didn't even have the energy for that. She felt pathetic.

"I'm going to take the Silencing Charm off you now, okay? Please don't scream at me," he said quietly.

Rowan just looked at him dazedly, and she hoped that her frustration was expressed. She could see from the small smile that twitched at his mouth that it wasn't though. He raised his wand gently to her throat and whispered, "_Eloquoro_."

She felt that gush of wind shoot down her throat again, and she gasped, choking on her own voice. Remus grabbed a glass off of his nightstand and pointed his wand into it, muttering, "_Aguamenti_," and clear water shot into the glass. He handed it to her, and she drank it down with relish.

As he watched her finish the glass of water, he pulled his tie and robes off and toed off his shoes and socks, throwing them vaguely at his dresser before sitting next to her on the bed. When she was done, he took the glass and placed it back on the nightstand. Though her throat was soothed, she felt extremely uncomfortable.

"I'm going to speak now. I want you to listen to everything that I say before you start yelling at me again, okay? Promise me you'll hear me out," he said quietly.

Rowan couldn't even look at him. All of her limbs felt so drained. Why was this happening? She couldn't even nod in response. He took her silence as acquiescence and continued.

"First I want to say that I'm sorry," he said. The words sounded so strange in his voice. She was still so confused. He remained silent for a moment, and when she didn't respond, he continued. "The past eight months-" he frowned. Had it really been that long? "These past eight months have been dark for me." He looked at her again – still no response. He sighed. "After what happened with Snape and Sirius, it was like being in a terrible dream." He clenched his eyes for a moment before continuing. "Every time I looked at you, it was like seeing you there, instead of Snape. I… I still have nightmares."

This caught Rowan's attention. She looked at him slowly, and his eyes seemed to blaze in response. He'd never told her that. She knew that he'd been scared of hurting her after the incident, but to see her in Snape's place? It was heartbreaking.

"It was suffocating," he whispered. "And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it could really happen. The next time I attacked someone, it could be you. I don't know how I'd live with myself if that ever happened." His voice trembled. "I thought I could just be friends with you again. I thought I could hold you at arm's length and just be happy knowing that you were safe."

Rowan felt a small wave a disappointment set in her bones. Was all of this just to tell her officially that they were no longer friends?

"But I can't. When I saw you with those books, I realized that by pushing you away, I'd just pushed you deeper." His voice was so soft, barely even a whisper. "And I was horrified. I knew you'd been sneaking off in the middle of the night doing something, but I'd never imagined that you'd been doing your own personal research. And then I remembered that wizard."

Rowan saw him clench his eyes shut as if trying to restrain himself. His hands were fisted at his knees.

"When I realized that you had an arrangement with that wizard, I wanted to kill him," he bit out venomously. Rowan was startled at his tone. She saw that rage in his eyes that she'd seen that night in the kitchens, and the same cold fear creep up her spine. "I wanted to kill him for ruining everything that I'd planned, for letting you dig even deeper into this nightmare. How could he do this, knowing what potential dangers that you'd be exposed to?" His voice had risen gradually, as if growing with his anger.

He was burning into her now. "And you'll be in _so much_ danger, Winnie. There are so many people out there who will hate you. There are people like_ me_ out there who will hate you, who will come after you. How can you keep going, knowing all of this?"

Rowan didn't answer but felt her mouth mold into a hard line. His eyes blazed.

"I know you're determined to see this through no matter what I do or say," he said sadly. "I've been fighting it, thinking of everything I could possibly do to convince you otherwise, but I know that I'm fighting a losing battle." He looked so fragile. She fought the urge to touch him. "On New Year's Eve, I was desperate. I was so desperate to convince you to give up on this. I'd been replaying our fight over and over again, and I needed to convince you that you were better off without me."

He sighed again. "But I can't give you up. I proved it to myself that night – I mean, if you'd let me, I might have..." he trailed off darkly, as if too ashamed to complete the thought. Rowan felt her face burn.

"You're in so much danger, Winnie. It terrifies me how much danger you're putting yourself in for this. Is there really nothing I can do to make you change your mind?" he asked quietly, desperately.

Rowan's mind was a swirl of white and rushing blood, but she forced all of her will to her mouth. "No," she whispered.

Remus seemed to have been expecting her answer and smiled sadly at her. "I figured," he said quietly. His voice sounded so small. He seemed to working up the nerve to continue, a flood of anxiety in his face. But he eventually drew himself up and squared himself towards her. His jaw looked more defined, his eyes hard.

"All of my better judgment is telling me to run away from you, to let you go, but I can't." His eyes flared. "But if I can't convince you to protect yourself, then I want to be there to protect you instead." She felt her chest constrict. "I'm willing to take whatever you can give me – anything as long as it means that I can be there to protect you when trouble comes. And it will." His gaze was all dark fire, and she felt consumed by his heat. "Please," he begged.

All of Remus' words sank into Rowan slowly, and she suddenly felt so tired. He seemed so far away from her despite being only inches apart. She just wanted to curl up and sleep forever. But his eyes were scanning frantically over her face, and she knew she had to answer him.

"No," she whispered.

"No…?" His face paled. She could see the panic rise in him.

"No," she repeated. "I don't want your friendship just because you want to protect me." The words spilled from her mouth without even crossing her mind, but she couldn't stop now that she'd begun. "I want someone who is going to respect my decisions because they respect me. I want them to be happy for me because I'm doing what I love and what I've sworn to achieve." She felt the heat in her chest. "The last thing I want is for you to dedicate your life to shielding me from whatever dangers may lie in the future. If the only thing you want is to protect me like some holy artifact to be worshiped, then I don't want or need you in my life. I can protect myself just fine," she said. Her words came out firmly, and she was surprised at the tone of her own voice.

Remus' looked desperate. His eyes were darting over her face as if trying to discern whether those words had really come out of her mouth. He looked distraught.

"Please, Rowan," he whispered. "You have to understand. I love you. I love you so much that it kills me. I _have_ to protect you. Can't you see that? You can't ask this of me."

Rowan felt her stomach sink at his words. "Then I can't do this, Remus. If you can't agree to respect my decisions and trust me, then I can't do this." She felt her eyes sting.

Remus shook his head violently. "No, I will. _I will_. I'll do anything you want, Rowan, just _please_. If you want me to respect you when you're going against everything that I want for you, then you have to accept that I _need_ to do this. _Please,_" he whispered frantically.

Rowan absorbed his words slowly. They made sense, but she was so tired that she couldn't make heads or tails of it anymore. She wasn't even sure why they were arguing. She looked out the window – it was dark outside. The yellow light of the room's lanterns illuminated Remus' face, accentuating the shadows beneath his eyes. He looked so very tired.

"I…" she started softly, barely a whisper. "I don't know, Remus. I need to think about all of this. It's just so much. I can't…" she trailed off. "I can't process it right now. Can you give me time to think about it?" she asked weakly.

His eyes burned into her, and she felt overwhelmed by his intensity, but he nodded slowly. His gaze softened and looked over her face slowly, as if he were trying to memorize her features.

"Stay here the night?" he asked softly, unsure of his own words.

Rowan nodded slowly, eyelids already fluttering with fatigue. She was too tired to fight him, too tired to go back to the girls' dorm. She couldn't remember ever feeling so exhausted. He smiled tenderly at the drowsy look on her face.

She couldn't fight him as he tentatively removed her clothes, pulling his own baggy t-shirt and sweatpants onto her small form. She felt the cold burning of her wet skin exposed to the warm air and shivered. When he'd pulled the drawstring of the pants tight to make sure the pants didn't slip from her hips, he looked at her steadily, taking in her form longingly. She thought for a moment that time had stopped, but then he leaned forward ever so slowly and kissed the corner of her mouth gently before pulling away and smiling at her again. She felt her chest might burst.

He lifted her and tucked her underneath his covers before turning to pull his own clothes off. She watched his lean form behind sleepy eyes, running over the familiar old scars that marked his back and arms. It'd been so long since she'd seen them, but they were still so very much the same. A few new ones had appeared, and she burned them into her memory.

As he climbed into the bed beside her, he tentatively wrapped an arm around her, assessing her resistance. When she offered none, he pulled her in gently against him, and her lungs were filled with him. The sensation was so heartbreakingly familiar and yet foreign that she thought she'd cry if she had anything left in her. As she fell asleep, she could feel his fingers running gently through her hair, his other hand stroking her back. The last thing that she could remember was thinking that she was already lost.


	39. Of Irony, Cages & a World for Two

**A/N**: The story has finally hit 50 reviews! I'm so so happy. I can't even tell you how pleased I am that it's gotten this far. Two weeks ago, I was just a drunk girl stumbling home from a night out with friends with a dream of writing a Remus/OC and now my dreams are coming true T-T Thank you, everyone, for reading!

**starryeyed10:** Thank you so much! It really means the world to me that you're enjoying it. Thank you for such a warm review. I hope my characters will continue to live up to your expectations ^^

**nessafly:** More angst angst angst... and more...?

**sarahmichellegellarfan1:** I wanted to do heart emoticons, but for some reason doesn't allow "less than" signs... But you get the gist! ^^

**Onyx JDShadow:** Thank you for all the compliments and encouragement! I won't push too hard - definitely want to make sure I do this right! :]

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

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**Chapter 39: Of Irony, Cages, and a World for Two**

Remus woke early. There was a sliver of yellow morning light cutting through the curtains around his bed, and he noted that he was surprisingly warm. Something was tickling his face unpleasantly. He reached up to swat it away, but it came back. Finally, he creaked an eye open and saw that it was a long strand of dark hair, sticking up and tickling the opening of his nostril.

He jerked slightly. Rowan was asleep in his bed.

He looked down and saw her sleeping against him. She was breathing steadily, and the small surge of panic that had seized him melted away with a strange warmth. He relaxed, turning onto his side so that he could get a better look at her, now very much awake.

His chest constricted at the sight of her. It'd been so long, _so long_, since he'd been able to touch her without her flinching away from him. For so long, he hadn't seen her without shadows of anxiety across her face, though even asleep, her face looked slightly troubled. He wondered what she could be dreaming about. He wanted to memorize the rhythm of her breathing, the way the shadows hit her face. She still looked so young in slumber, but he noted the circles under her eyes were still dark, and he grimaced inwardly knowing that he probably had contributed to them.

After he'd left her in the dark corridors alone on New Year's Eve, he'd succumbed to a blank wave of despair, numbly feeling his legs dragging themselves without knowing where he was going. He walked the halls aimlessly for hours, only crawling into bed at the first sign of light on the horizon. He couldn't believe what he'd done, how he'd kissed her. He was so ashamed of himself, at his lack of restraint – he had been so forceful against her that it scared him. Every time he thought about the feel of her against him – the way she'd responded to his darkness so readily – another wave of shame would hit him and he'd have to force back the possessive howling within his mind.

He'd avoided her like his life depended on it afterwards. Every time he looked at her, he would feel a fresh wave of nausea and grief, terrified that he would hurt her more, lose his control. She sought him out with desperate eyes, desperate for answers, but he'd run away – scared to see the accusations on her face – and he was ashamed again for his cowardice.

When she finally gave up, he was at once relieved and mournful. He knew he'd completely ruined it all. He'd ruined her. He'd see her out of the corner of his eye at meals and in class, and she looked so tired and small, like he'd broken her. He didn't think it was possible to hate anyone as much as he hated himself.

But then he saw her one afternoon in the library in one of those quiet corners she'd hide away in with her ancient looking books with ghastly images. He panicked and was about to turn away, but when he recognized the book in her hands as one she'd had that night in the kitchens, he felt the dormant anger threaten to rise in him again.

But the saw the look on her face nearly brought him to his knees. Rowan was pale with dark rings still under her eyes, which looked a little bigger in her face than usual, and it seemed like she hadn't bothered to brush her hair that day. But the look in her eyes was nothing like the dimness he'd seen in her in their classes or around their friends. They were focused and blazing. He could see the fire raging in her, and it stung him even at that distance. Her hands were clutched to the book in a talon-like grip. He swore he could see the energy pulsing off of her in waves. It was too much – he had to look away lest he go blind.

He knew he'd lost. It was enough to make all the fight left in him whisper away. There was no way he could possibly ever convince this girl to walk away from him or from her convictions. She would go to the ends of the earth to see them come to fruition. He felt a bubble of desperation in him before it slowly fell and spread through his limbs with a cold ripple.

But if she refused to protect herself, then who would?

The obviousness of the answer washed over him slowly over the next few days, and he caught himself at small moments feeling almost hysterical at the irony of it all. He had to fight the frothing mania in his chest that threatened to take over. How the hell had his life become so fucked up anyway? When did his entire existence begin revolving around this one girl? He wanted to cry at the cruel nature of his fate, at the forces that had burdened him with this affliction and then thrown happiness into his face. He was doomed to love this girl no matter all the reasons not to, and as if life weren't cruel enough already, she loved him back with a fire that would consume them both.

But wasn't that one of the reasons to love her?

She was in so much potential danger. There were more and more stories about Death Eater werewolf attacks in the _Daily Prophet_ with each week. Surely, she would become a target if her ambitions were ever found out – how could he possibly keep her safe when she was knowingly putting herself in that danger?

He found his legs dragging him back to their old spot as he'd done frequently recently. He knew it only served to remind him of her, but being in a place so close to his memories of her was somehow comforting in its masochistic way of self-punishment. He relished the shame. _I deserve this, I deserve this._

But when he saw her there, he thought he'd been hallucinating. He couldn't breathe. His chest felt so tight. She was so close, so unaware that he was right next to her, so frail that he thought she might disappear if he looked away. As he looked at her, the wind was knocked from his throat. How could he have ever thought that he could walk away from this girl? He was destined to follow her to the depths of hell if it meant that he could protect her from the fire.

And before he knew it something snapped in him, and his darkness had dragged her kicking and screaming into his room like some sort of barbarian. He felt so much shame at the feel of her weight on his shoulder, but before he could stop himself, he was spilling out his most inner thoughts, and she just absorbed them without batting an eye, as she had always done. How did this tiny being have so much control over him? He wanted to worship at her feet, to shield her from all of the terrible evils in this world, pulling and pushing her at his leisure.

And she'd rejected him for it.

He supposed he should have expected it. She would never accept being placed on a pedestal. She was heat and air and hands, and he was a fool for ever thinking he could cage her. Wasn't that why he loved her?

Remus saw her eyelashes begin to flutter, and he reflexively pulled her against him. Once she woke up, her anger might return, and she might decide that she wanted nothing to do with what he had to offer. He cherished every second he had with her warmth and pressure, knowing that it might truly be the last time – she might finally push him away. As he felt her stir, his throat constricted, and he prepared himself for the worst.

* * *

Rowan woke blearily with confusion, realizing slowly that she wasn't in her bed. She also noted that she was pressed tightly against something warm and knew that she was being watched. The dream-like memory of Remus from the night before spread through her slowly with heat. She was surprised by her strange calmness about it all, but she found that she couldn't even find a scrap of annoyance at being in this compromising situation.

His scent filled her lungs, and she shuddered slightly at the clean smell that was tied to so many of her memories. It had been so long since he'd held her, and she was determined to savor the feeling as long as she could before he realized she was awake.

After a few moments though, she knew she needed to move, to face him. She felt strangely detached and resigned to it. It could be the end of their friendship permanently, but she felt so tired, so drained that she almost felt relieved. She sat up slowly, feeling his arms fall away from her heavily, and she reached up to smooth her hair out drowsily, before looking down to see Remus staring up at her with a cautious gaze.

They continued assessing each other for a moment. It was somewhat dark due to the thick curtains pulled around his bed – she didn't remember him drawing them, so she must have fallen asleep quickly. There was a thin strip of light pouring in through the curtains, and it illuminated the angles of his face, highlighting the definition of his sculpted mouth and his jaw. He looked very troubled.

"Hi," he whispered finally. He raised his hand carefully, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She shivered slightly, though she couldn't tell if it was with discomfort or pleasure.

"Hi," she whispered back. They looked at each other a little longer. She was still right next to him, but the mild chill that had hit them when she'd detached herself from his side accentuated the distance between them, and she suddenly felt very lonely.

"I-," she started, at a loss for words. "I don't really know how to start," she admitted softly.

He nodded slightly. "I feel the same," he said.

"I guess," she continued, "we should talk about what we want to do."

"Yeah," he agreed quietly, sitting up to face her.

Rowan could hear her own heartbeat pounding deafeningly in her head. She didn't know how to begin, where to start. Remus' words from the night before came back slowly in soft ripples, and she replayed their conversation over, his desperation. She chewed on her lip with concentration.

The thought of him being so bent on protecting her was unnerving. She was flattered, of course – a secret part of her relished his possessiveness – but she hated his martyrdom, his unwillingness to trust her to protect herself. But he'd argued that if he was to respect her determination, then she had to respect his protectiveness – it was a logical and mature compromise, but something still bothered her.

He said he'd take whatever she had to offer, but she didn't want him to just be there because he wanted to protect her. She wanted him to be there because he wanted to be, because he loved her. She wanted him to be happy for her, happy to share her life with her, not stay with her out of some blind sense of moral obligation, even if it stemmed from love. After all, what would stop him from leaving her again once he'd decided that she wasn't in danger anymore?

She steadied her breathing, already feeling the shakiness in her lungs that didn't match the feeling of resolution in her chest.

"You said you wanted to protect me – that I would have to respect your need to protect me if you were to respect my decisions," she started slowly, quietly. He nodded almost unperceptively, eyes burning into her.

"But I can't, not just like that," she said. He exhaled through his nose shakily. "I don't want you here if you're going to treat me like some secret treasure, something to be hidden away. I want you to love me proudly and be proud _of_ me," she said quietly, firmly. The calmness she felt startled her, but she knew that this was it.

"I want someone who's going to love me enough to let all facets of our life touch, someone who will trust me to carry some of his burden with him as well as support me with mine," she whispered. There was a fierce pounding in her head, a thrilled pounding in her chest.

"I don't want someone who will _tolerate_ my decisions out of some moral obligation. I want an equal... And I'm not sure if you can offer that to me. I'm not sure when you'll decide that you're endangering me and leave again," she whispered in a rush. "You've already run from me several times now – how can I know that you won't just do it again?" she asked fiercely.

Remus breathed shakily. His hands were fisted in the covers, and she realized that hers were as well. He was staring her down with such an intensity that she felt her confidence waver, but she steeled herself against his burning gaze and prepared for the backlash.

Finally he spoke. "I can't promise you that I won't treat you delicately or that you won't get angry with me," he admitted. His eyes were still burning into her. His tone was solid. "I know I'll make mistakes, and I know I won't be able to change right away. But I can promise you that I will try." Her head suddenly felt very heavy again.

"It goes against all of my better judgment to stay with you, but I have to. It's because I love you, and I want more than anything for you to be safe, to be happy." His voice was a fast rush of breaths. "I know you hate it, that you think I'm being overbearing and chauvinistic and martyr-like, but this is all I know."

He grabbed her hands in his. She instinctively jerked away, but he held fast to her, squeezing tightly. "I've spent nearly fourteen years of my life thinking that I'm inferior, that I need to protect people like you from people like me. It will take me time to come to terms with the fact that you will always put yourself in danger knowingly. I know that you're going to want to fight, in the Order of the Phoenix and out of it, and I know now that I can't stop you, no matter how much I want to." His face was so close to hers now. She could see all the flecks of brown and green so acutely in his eyes. "But no matter what you say or how you reject me, I will always want to protect you because you're the most precious person in the world to me."

Rowan had nearly stopped breathing. She couldn't tear her eyes from his, and he was so close – so dangerously close. Her heart was pounding so loudly in her head, and she was terrified. Every voice of logic in her was telling her to run, to get away from him, but she couldn't move.

"Please, Rowan – please give me the chance to try. I won't be perfect, and I will fuck up again and again. But _please_," he whispered. He was so close now. She could feel his breath against her lips. "I will do _anything_ you ask. Just let me stay by your side."

"Okay," she whispered. She hadn't even thought of her answer before it had exhaled through her lips. She was mortified with herself, but at the same time, she knew that her feelings would never change.

Remus' face was startled at first, disbelieving, but then he broke out into a triumphant grin. She thought she might be blinded by it. Before she knew it, she was being pulled into his lap, where he clutched her almost desperately. He seemed to be simultaneously running his hands through her hair, over her back, down her arms. She was overwhelmed by the rush of sensations from his touch, from his smell. She could hear him breathing harshly against her neck, and she noted the wetness suddenly there. Hesitantly, she brought her arms up and wrapped them around his shoulders, feeling the scars on his back through his shirt and the softness of his hair. It was all so familiar – how had she ever forgotten it?

When he finally pulled away to look at her, his eyes were so bright that she thought they might consume her, but she couldn't stop the tentative smile that broke out on her face, which spread slowly into a grin. A bubble formed in her chest, and she released it quietly – a breathy laugh, leaning forward to press her forehead against his, relishing the feel of him. He sighed contentedly.

Rowan knew they still had their countless problems to discuss and argue over, but he was hers again. _He was hers again._ She knew last night wouldn't be the last time he'd push her to her breaking point, but for now, this was enough – being with him was enough. They laid next to each other silently with fingers tangled in each others' hair, content to just be together and pretend that the world beyond their curtain walls was a little kinder.


	40. Of Playboys, Siblings Revisited & Labor

**A/N**: **PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:** I've decided that I'm going to break this into 3 parts instead of just 2 because the sheer amount of information necessary for the First War. I feel like it's appropriate considering the change in tone from Hogwarts to adulthood, and the more I think about it, cramming another 3 years of plot into this story seems crazy. So it'll go like this:

1. Of Wolves and Men - Hogwarts  
2. Sequel - First Wizarding War  
3. Finale - Second Wizarding War

Besides, who doesn't enjoy a good trilogy, right? I imagine this one will wrap up at around Chapter 50, so be sure to follow along and check back for our heroes' next life installment! XD

I couldn't get the tempo of this at all, and it still seems jerky and awkward. Blah.

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 40: Of Playboys, Siblings Revisited, and Labor**

Once again, the Marauders were confused by Rowan and Remus' change in dynamics, but they decided that they'd had enough with asking questions and that they should just leave it. After all, they seemed to be getting along happily, so what was the point in pestering them any further? It also helped that James was still on Cloud 9 with Lily, and even Peter had begun seeing a cute Hufflepuff Sixth Year named Maria Bastion in the recent weeks. Rowan enjoyed seeing the small boy talking bashfully with the girl, and Sirius never seemed to cease teasing him for it.

Speaking of Sirius, Rowan had confronted him and Mina finally about their passionate rendezvous in the Owlery, demanding some explanations. The two had turned red and wouldn't make eye contact, sputtering nonsense about a month-long casual physical relationship, but Rowan could see something in both of their faces that smelled of suspicion. Rowan was determined to figure out what it was and finally worked up the nerve to finally ask Mina what was going on while studying one afternoon.

"So you and Sirius…" she asked vaguely, making it a point to not stare too fixedly at Mina, choosing to look at her from the corner of her eye.

Mina twitched. "What about it?" she asked stiffly. She was refusing to meet Rowan's gaze.

If she were talking to Lily, she'd slowly approach the subject with gentle words, but she knew Mina well enough to know that if she didn't just cut to the chase, the brunette would grow impatient and snap at her. But she also knew that if she didn't play it carefully, Mina would get angry and leave. She chose to take a chance and dive in.

"Do you fancy him?" she asked bluntly.

Mina bristled. "I thought we already talked about this," she replied. Her tone said to drop it, but Rowan kept pushing.

"Yeah, but I can tell there's more going on there than you let on. Do you fancy him?" she asked again.

"Seriously, Rowan?" she asked exasperatedly. She stopped writing and glared at the dark-haired girl.

Rowan glared back. "You're not answering the question," she said firmly.

Mina snorted and turned back to her work fiercely. Rowan could see that she needed to pull back for now, turning back to her own assignment.

But about ten minutes later, Mina broke her silence. "I've liked him for nearly a year now," she said quietly.

Rowan turned and gaped at her – an entire year?

Mina nodded, as if answering Rowan's silent question. "I don't know what's wrong with me, but no matter what I do, I can't get past it," she said sadly. "But he's not like Remus or James – he's not the kind of guy that'll commit to me, and I'm okay with what we have going on now," she said quietly. "I know he's just using me, but please don't judge me for it," she whispered.

Rowan was shocked. She shook her head furiously. "I would never!" she exclaimed. "But have you even told Sirius how you feel?"

"No," Mina said firmly. She was looking at her quill with eyes blazing. "I can't tell him that. I'd be humiliated," she said almost bitterly.

"But he's has fancied you for years!" Rowan said disbelievingly. "I used to fuck with him all the time about it. It's not like you never heard us."

Mina turned and glared at Rowan. "He's like that with all the girls, Winnie," she snorted. "He liked picking on me because I was one of the only ones who'd turn him down, but seriously, it'd be stupid for me to expect a playboy like Sirius Black to commit to one girl. I'd be the mockery of the whole house if they were to find out!"

Rowan shook her head sadly. "But you're wrong!" she argued. "I know you're wrong. If you just told him-"

"I'm not telling him, Row, so just drop it, okay?" Mina interjected. Her anger had flared, and Rowan could tell that she was done talking. She sighed and went back to her work.

She knew Sirius' reputation as a playboy, and he certainly got around more than the other Marauders, but not nearly as much as people seemed to think. He encouraged the rumors for his own ego, but she knew he'd only been with a few girls in actuality. He was certainly more experienced than the rest of them, but not by much. And if Mina even gave him the smallest sign that she wanted more, Rowan knew he'd jump on it without the slightest hesitation.

She looked over at Mina's face, which still was scrunched up with frustration. She sighed in defeat. She knew she wouldn't be convincing her of anything anytime soon.

* * *

After Rowan and Remus' intimate morning conversation, the two had agreed to take things slowly. Remus wanted desperately to be with her again, but she was hesitant to let him back into her life so readily.

They had a long and frank conversation about her tentative apprenticeship with Damocles Belby and all that she'd done so far to maintain his favor, omitting the details of her mother's involvement – she wasn't sure he was ready to hear that Carole knew about his condition. His face seemed to melt with understanding, finally piecing together her late night excursions and disappearances, and although she could tell that he still harbored some anger and near-hatred for the man, he was moved by her fiery passion for the work and seemed to reluctantly accept that Belby was the best choice to teach her. The relief she felt was nearly tangible.

However, despite being in love with him still, she couldn't get over the past eight months like they'd never happened. She was still hurting from him leaving her the previous May and all the arguments thereafter, and any time they rowed, she'd feel her walls coming up and half-expected him to run away from her again. She wanted to trust him, to get their relationship back to how it had been the previous year, but whenever his eyes would narrow suspiciously at the sight of Anfa swooping down with a letter during breakfast or ask her with that edge to his voice about Belby, she'd feel that surge of anger rising in her throat again.

However, she had to admit that he was improving. There were still times when he'd get overprotective – like when she'd sneak off to the library late at night to do research – but he was getting better at controlling his reactions. She could visibly see the conflict fight across his features before they seemed to escape out his ears, and she couldn't help but find his efforts endearing.

In return, she'd tried to get her temper under control and give him the benefit of the doubt. When she saw the possessiveness flare in his eyes, she'd bite down her gut reaction to get angry, and when he'd raise his voice, she made an effort to calm him down. This would usually soften his gaze without a fight, but occasionally, she'd still snap at him, turning their conversation into a full blown argument, usually ending with someone getting his or her feelings hurt and then both apologizing profusely.

Rowan and Remus had another one of these arguments about three days before the full moon during the first week of February.

"HA! I told you I was brilliant!" Will Surrey cried, waving his answer in Rowan's face obnoxiously.

Will looked eerily like Mina, with the same dust of freckles and chestnut hair, though their personalities were startlingly different. He always seemed to have dirt on his face, and she was reminded of James' younger days when he spoke, all arrogance and enthusiasm. She almost mourned that Sirius and James had lost most of their pranking antics in the past year – it'd be a riot to watch the three of them together. She wondered if maybe they'd consider passing down the Marauders' Map to him when they graduated.

She laughed heartily, gently taking the Potions assignment from Will's hand and looking it over quickly. "Yes, yes, very brilliant, Wee William," she teased.

He groaned at the nickname. "Stop calling me that!" he whined. "I told Mina not to tell people that stupid nickname!"

Rowan laughed again and mussed up his hair. He huffed and then snatched the parchment from Rowan before turning to pack his bag.

Rowan looked up to see Remus leaning against the doorframe, watching her with a gentle look. She blushed and smiled shyly at him. She knew she had nothing to be shy about considering their previous relationship, but she found that the freshness of their new dynamics left her feeling bashful frequently. He smiled at her warmly.

"All done?" he asked.

Will's head shot up at the sound of Remus' voice, and his face lit up. He leapt from his seat and ran up to Remus excitedly.

"Remus! I've been dying to ask you something!" he exclaimed. Remus grinned curiously and nodded the boy on. "Is it true that you used to train dragons? That's so bad ass!" he raved.

Remus barked a laugh. "Yeah, way back when," he responded, his eyes darting to Rowan's conspiratorially. He rolled up his left sleeve to show him a particularly long scar along his forearm. "I got this one from a nesting mother – nearly bit it straight off," he bragged. Rowan was grinning.

Will's eyes were wide with adoration. He gaped at the scar in amazement and envy. His face darted up to Remus' face. "What about that one?" he asked bluntly, pointing to the one that ran along Remus' jaw.

Remus grinned again. "From her tail," he answered. The First Year looked like he might pass out from the excitement.

"Man, _I_ want to handle dragons!" he said excitedly.

Remus laughed. "You should go talk to the groundskeeper Hagrid. You two would probably get along great," he said warmly.

Will nodded enthusiastically and seemed caught up in his reverie before Remus knocked him on the head. "Hey, get out of here. I want to say hi to my girl, and you're in the way," he teased. Rowan felt her face blush again.

Will's face screwed up with disgust. "What! Ugh, you guys are gross," he spat before turning and running out of the room.

"Let me know how your assignment goes!" Rowan called after him, and she rolled her eyes at his shout back in affirmation. He was such a little brother. She turned back to see Remus gazing at her intently before closing the door gently, a warm smile on his face.

"Hi," he said softly, walking towards her.

"Hi," she answered back, blushing lightly under his gaze.

He tentatively took her hand, wrapping his fingers gently around it. Their touches were still hesitant and shy, and he still hadn't kissed her since they'd begun to rekindle their relationship. They hadn't discussed it explicitly, but she could tell that he was still reluctant to initiate anything too physically intimate. She was grateful, though she had to admit that being around him so frequently again was starting to leave that familiar ache for him to touch her. It was beginning to get quite frustrating.

Remus frowned suddenly, reaching up to lightly run a thumb along the dark circles that still remained under her eyes. "You're not sleeping enough," he scolded her.

She rolled her eyes lightly at him. "Yeah, well, I've been busy," she said softly, a slight warning edge to her voice. She had been sleeping even less in the past week and was feeling a bit cranky. Her research had stumbled upon some fascinating information about mid-transformation sentience, and she had too many ideas to allow herself to rest. Remus had already scolded her once that week after catching her in the Common Room at 3 a.m. still working, and she could feel another scolding coming on.

His frown deepened. "You still need to take better care of yourself, Winnie," he said sharply. "Belby won't drop you if you try to get a couple more hours of sleep a week."

Rowan felt a hint of annoyance but pushed it back. "It's not just about Belby, Remus. I'm doing this because I want to. I enjoy it. Even if I have to lose some sleep, it's not going to kill me," she argued evenly, trying to sound calm.

"He's taking advantage of your work ethic and your access to the library here! He's not even paying you yet – it's bordering on slave labor," he countered. His eyes were flashing dangerously. His hand was squeezing hers tightly now. "That man is going to work you to the bone until there's nothing left of you."

"Fine. So what!" she bit back. She was fighting the anger now – this was escalating too quickly, but she was too tired to fight it. "He can work me however he wants! Let him use me!" She pulled her hand from his and turned to continue packing her bag.

His eyes darkened. "You _know _how much I hate it when you talk like that," he said lowly. "Don't just turn away from me while we're talking!" he barked at her angrily. He grabbed her upper arm tightly.

"No, because that's _your_ specialty, isn't it?" she spat. She immediately regretted the words as soon as she said them, horrified that she'd even thought them. She expected to see Remus' face contort with hurt, but his eyes flashed with fury, and she suddenly found herself being yanked forward by his grip on her arm. She gasped, and found her arm being held roughly by her chest and her jaw grasped tightly by his other hand, forcing her to look at him.

He was breathing hard, nostrils flaring, and she felt that icy fear in her neck as his eyes scanned furiously over her face. She saw the unnatural anger there and realized slowly that it was the week of the full moon – she shouldn't have pushed him. His fingers dug slightly into her cheeks, which dully hurt, and she flinched. His features seemed to loosen slowly as he read her expression, melting into a look of deep horror before he released her suddenly and pushed himself back with a jolt.

"Remus-" she started.

"Rowan, I'm sorry. I'm so s-" he apologized in a rush, features contorted with panicked remorse. He had backed away from her jerkily, bumping into a chair noisily.

"Remus! Just listen-" she tried again, but he wasn't listening, eyes darting around the room frantically, hands pulling at his hair.

Her throat constricted with panic and felt herself move to him instinctively. She rushed forward and grabbed him by the shirt collar, pulling him down and kissing him soundly. He stiffened and tried to pull away, but she planted a firm hand at the base of his neck and held him there, sliding her lips against his slowly, reassuringly.

Finally, he relaxed into her and hesitantly brought his hands up to her arms, holding her gingerly. It all felt so familiar. Her chest tightened at the memories that flooded back of them in that very room. She pulled away slightly, kissing the scar on his upper lip, at his eyebrow, before leaning back to look at him.

His eyes were still remorseful, but he seemed much calmer. She leaned her forehead against his and closed her eyes, matching the rhythm of her breathing to his. She imagined that if she willed it hard enough, they'd breathe each other in. When she pulled back again, he looked sedated, eyelids heavy and lips slightly parted. She held his face in her hands gently.

"Remus, all of the worst ways that you will ever hurt me will never be because of the wolf inside of you," she whispered. His eyes glinted with guilt. "I trust you. Don't you think it's time you started trusting yourself?" she asked softly.

He exhaled sharply, mouth twitching before slowly sliding his hands up her back to her shoulders, where he squeezed her tentatively. When she didn't flinch away, he gently pulled her towards him. She pulled her hands down and wrapped them around him, resting her head against his chest. She listened to the soft fluttering of his heartbeat, and he held her tightly.

Rowan wasn't sure how long they stood there, but when they finally pulled away from each other, Remus gazed at her shyly, reaching up to smooth her hair out of her face. She smiled gently at him, and he breathed deeply before leaning in hesitantly. When he grazed her lips, asking for permission, she pressed her mouth against his. He kissed her softly, slowly, savoring every stroke of her lips against his, every tug.

They pulled away and looked at each other again gently before both slowly grinning.

"You're pretty damn special, you know that?" he said smiling.

"You bet your sweet ass I am," she responded cheekily. He laughed and mussed up her hair.

Rowan's chest bloomed with giddiness. She leaned up against him and kissed him again chastely, and he let out a soft breath of quiet laughter. They didn't say anything as they picked up their bags to leave the study room, and Rowan felt more comfortable in the silence with Remus than she had in many months.


	41. Of Familiar Aches and Slamming Doors

**A/N**: There's a little sexiness here but barely – maybe some snogging, but not much at all. It's **definitely a T,** not an M. PRUDES.

I don't know what to think of this. I'm happy that this is a happier chapter, but it's so weird coming back to this tone after all of the darker ones recently. Ughhhh…

**nessafly**: Hahaha I'm so glad I've pleased you. It'll hopefully be a little lighter for a while. I hope you don't miss the angst too much.

**BumbleJay:** Thank you for the awesome compliments and for following my story! I appreciate it more than I can say!

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 41: Of Familiar Aches and Slamming Doors **

Rowan was staring at Remus fixedly, watching his teeth chew absentmindedly on his bottom lip while going over his Arithmancy homework. She followed the movement of his mouth raptly, suddenly wanting to lean forward and take his lip between her own. She mentally shook herself. She was quite frustrated with her seemingly endless fantasies about him pushing her into dark corners like he used to, and now, she couldn't even seem to study with him without turning an innocent movement into something erotic. It certainly didn't help that they were sitting next to each other on his bed without any of the other Marauders present.

Since their interlude in the library, Remus had returned to his routine of tentative hand holding and small touches, but otherwise, they'd only shared a few chaste kisses and nothing more. Sometimes, Rowan would catch him staring at her with such a look of longing, like he was starved, that it sent a wave of heat through her. And though she knew that pushing him to be more assertive with her before he was ready would likely scare him, she felt the heated ache in her stomach again. She was beginning to think that their one moment of intimacy together in May had, in fact, truly been a dream.

But although she desperately wanted to experience those feelings again, she wasn't sure if she was even ready. Their relationship had improved by leaps and bounds over the past month – they'd stopped bickering so frequently, and she'd even caught Remus watching her doing her research for Belby with a look of pride in his eyes – but she still couldn't shake the fear that it was all too good to be true. Surely, he could still decide at any moment that he wasn't worthy of her. Both times he'd returned from his monthly transformations since they'd gotten back together, she'd half-expected him to withdraw into himself and push her away again, but so far, he'd remained true to his word and stayed by her side with such a fierce determination that it pained her to even doubt him at all.

His hair had gotten quite long, she noted. It fell into his eyes, and he'd frequently reach up and sweep it absentmindedly from his face. There was something so modest about the gesture that it made her warm with fondness for him. She felt her arm reaching up before she could stop herself, and she swept the offending hair from his face gently.

He looked up at her from his book, startled at the sudden movement, and she blushed with embarrassment as she realized what she'd just done. His face broke into a slow grin at her, pleased that he'd caught her in a momentary lapse of self-restraint.

"What're you looking so shy about, Delacroix?" he teased.

Her face was starting to burn. "Nothing," she said, a little too high-pitched, and looked back down at her Transfiguration reading awkwardly.

But Remus wasn't having it. He kept his gaze on her, and he had to restrain himself from laughing at the bright red color of her face. She clearly wasn't really working, but she still refused to look at him. He wanted to squeeze her.

He carefully reached forward with his quill and ran it softly along the ridge of her ear.

She squealed in surprise and jolted upward. "Stop it!" she bit out, jerking up and swatting frantically at the feather. She looked slightly flustered, cheeks tinged red. He stopped but smirked at her. She glared lightly and then turned back to her book.

He left her alone for a few minutes, watching her from the corner of his eye. Her eyes had focused back on her reading, and when he was sure she wasn't paying attention to him anymore, he reached over again and grazed her neck with his quill.

"_Remus!"_ she cried indignantly, slapping his hand away. "Stop it!" she demanded. He openly laughed this time at the flustered look on her face. She huffed angrily before taking her heavy book and slapping him in the arm with it.

"Ouch! Winnie, I'm sorry!" he sputtered, trying to shield his face from her hits.

"Stop teasing me!" she shouted. She was already a ball of need, and his teasing wasn't helping her, even if he didn't know it. She realized she was overreacting, but she thought she might do something truly embarrassing if he kept touching her like that.

"I said I was sorry!" he whimpered, though there was still laughter in his voice. He managed to grab one of her wrists and pry the book from her hands. She groped after it, but he pulled it from her with relative ease, grinning in relief and throwing it off the bed with a thud.

"My book!" she cried. She turned back at him angrily, and he shrank a little under the force of her glare but remained grinning, shaking a little at his attempts to stifle his laughs. He was still holding one of her wrists, and though she tried to pull it from him, his grip was firm.

"I'm sorry, but you're just so fucking cute when you're mad," he said teasingly. She felt herself redden even further and was suddenly frustrated with the inability to decide if she should be angry with him or smile. She felt her face contort awkwardly with her confusion, to which he laughed and pulled her to him, grabbing her face and kissing her soundly.

At the feel of his mouth against hers, she felt her body slacken and her cheeks burn. She could feel him smiling against her lips, and though a part of her was frustrated that he found her anger so amusing, she couldn't help but feel a surge of affection for him. When he pulled away, she immediately missed the pressure of his mouth.

She expected him to smile at her and get up to fetch her book in apology as he always did whenever he'd throw her things around to tease her, but instead there was a heat in his gaze that she had only seen recently in those quiet moments when she'd catch him staring at her. It was hungry, and she felt herself tremble in response to it. His face was still so close to hers that their breath mingled, and she felt the slow ache pool in her again. He seemed to be fighting a battle in his head about what to do, but his grip on her wrist was still tight, and the other was holding her jaw firmly, keeping her gaze completely on him.

And then her mouth was back on his before she could stop herself, hands fisted at his chest in his shirt. He froze for a moment but then responded enthusiastically to the kiss, releasing her chin and wrist to tangle his fingers in her hair and snake an arm around her waist. She surprised herself with her assertiveness, but as she pushed her tongue past his lips, all her thoughts seemed to dry up. It was all so familiar – she felt her chest ache at it all, slightly overwhelmed. But he responded so willingly, so passionately that she couldn't really regret jumping him so abruptly.

She felt them twist awkwardly, tumbling over so that he was on top of her, legs tangled. Heat came off of him in waves, and the pressure of his body against hers brought all of the memories of their previous relationship flooding back. A part of her wanted to cry, but the ache that was building in her sent a blazing heat through her limbs.

She disconnected a hand from his hair and slid it up his back, fingering the lean muscles and old scars through his shirt, burning the new ones into her memory. He groaned into her mouth and moved his lips to her neck, running his tongue along the tender skin there. She gasped and dug her nails into his back, earning another strangled groan and a bite to her throat. She whimpered.

Just as she cried out at the feeling of his pelvis grind into the apex of her thighs, the door slammed open.

"Hey, Moony, want to go down to-" she heard James' voice. "Oh, WHAT THE FUCK!"

Remus shot off of Rowan in a panic, landing on his rear a couple of feet from her. Rowan was in a daze but suddenly painfully aware of their compromising position.

"Prongs, what's wrong with Moon-" she heard. Peter was peaking around James into the room, but James spun around and roughly shoved Peter out.

"_Out!_ OUT!" he shouted, red in the face and frantic.

"But what-" Peter stammered before the door slammed behind them.

The slamming of the door echoed in the silence, and Rowan suddenly felt very awkward. She looked up at Remus and saw that he was still gaping at the door, looking quite at a loss. His clothes were disheveled, shirt rumpled with his tie loosened and wrinkled. His hair was a mess, pointing up at odd angles, and when she looked down, she was embarrassed but pleased to see a remnant of their passionate interlude still apparent in his pants. Her face burned.

But then she realized that she was also quite a mess. She was sprawled out on her back with her limbs spread out around her. She noted that her shirt had come untucked from her skirt, riding up her stomach slightly. Her skirt had also been twisted out of place and hiked dangerously high up her thighs, and she scrambled to pull it down, not looking up at Remus, whose face had also turned bright red and was averted away from her.

They both straightened out their clothes quietly without speaking. When Rowan was done tucking her shirt back in and smoothing her hair out, she turned and saw that Remus had moved from the bed and was picking her book up from the floor – always the gentleman. She felt warm with affection. He turned and saw her gazing at him and smiled shyly, reaching his arm out to hand her the book.

"Here," he said quietly.

She took it from him gently. "Thank you," she whispered.

They stood in silence again. Rowan was so embarrassed. Her mind was racing at a million words per second, berating herself for throwing herself at him. Couldn't she even control herself just once? She wanted the floor to swallow her whole. He clearly wasn't ready to be starting anything physical with her again, and really, why should _she_ want to? They hadn't been together again for long, and she was already lusting after him like a dog in heat!_ What was wrong with her?_

"Um, I guess we should go down to dinner then," she said awkwardly. She wanted to forget what had just happened and move on as quickly as possible. It was like time was wading through a pool of molasses. She turned to find her bag.

"Rowan," she heard Remus call quietly. She turned to find him right behind her, looking down at her intently.

"I know we haven't been… intimate since I…" he trailed off, averting his gaze from her face as if it pained him. Rowan felt her face burn. He _clearly_ wasn't ready! She felt her heart hit her stomach – why was she so impatiently insensitive?

"Remus, I'm sorr-" she started. She needed to apologize to him!

"No, I'm the one who should be sorry," he said firmly, looking back up at her fiercely. "I… We never talked about what happened, and it's been killing me. I… I took your first time and then just abandoned you. It's nothing like how I'd planned. It was supposed to be special, something meaningful, and then I left you," he rambled frantically.

"And then when I finally got you back, I couldn't stand the thought of touching you again, not after what I did. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I still can't even believe you want anything to do with me." He clenched his eyes guiltily. "I'm just… I'm so sorry," he finished quietly.

Rowan was at a loss. She supposed she shouldn't have been surprised. He had the largest sense of guilt out of anyone she'd ever met, but for some reason, nothing about their first time together had bothered her. Logically, she knew that she should bear a grudge, but she also knew she wouldn't have given herself to anyone else – it had never even occurred to her that she could. Despite how much it hurt when he left, their lovemaking had been everything she'd wanted, and she couldn't find it in herself to regret it.

"I'm not," she said defiantly. He looked up at her startled.

"I'm not sorry," she repeated firmly. His face was so disbelieving. "Yeah, you left me after, and I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't devastated." His face was overtaken with guilt again. "But it wasn't because you took my virginity. I'm glad you were my first." He looked confused again. "I'm glad I gave myself to you, Remus, and I'd do it again if given the choice. I'm just sorry for jumping you like some mad woman," she said, flustered.

"No, don't-" he started.

"No," she stopped him. "I knew you weren't ready to start being physical again yet, but I… I just didn't listen to my reasoning. I should've stopped myself, and I'm sorry."

Remus shook his head hesitantly. "No, I am ready. I just didn't want to push you because I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with that," he said firmly. _With me._

She smiled shyly at him. "How about this," she started slowly, "We take it slow and work back up to it. We'll talk openly about it and let each other know when we're ready. We have time," she suggested softly, taking his hand and lacing her fingers gently in his.

His returning smile was small yet so bright. She could feel the warmth radiating off of him. It was so comforting. "Yeah," he whispered. He squeezed her hand gently. "Yeah, let's do that."

He leaned down hesitantly and kissed her softly, a slow pull of lips, before pulling back and smiling at her radiantly again.

She heard a low grumble and realized dumbly that it was her own stomach. She grabbed it and groaned with embarrassment.

Remus barked a laugh and mussed up her hair. "Hungry?" he teased.

She blushed but grinned back up at him. "Starving," she said.

He grinned and swooped down, kissing her soundly one more time before straightening back up and taking her bag from her hands and hauling it over his shoulder. She beamed at him.

"Let's go then," he said warmly.

She smiled happily. "Yeah," she replied, letting him lead her out the door and to the Great Hall.


	42. Of Patronuses, Allegiances & Mischief

**A/N**: I just started writing the first chapter to the sequel, and I'm pretty pleased with it so far. Its tone is very different though. I'm tentatively titling it _Of Men and War_. What do you think? I'm so bad at titling things...

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 42: Of Patronuses, Allegiances, and Mischief**

It was Saturday March 10th, Remus' 18th birthday, and by some stroke of fortune, there was a Hogsmeade trip that day. The Marauders, Rowan, Lily, and Mina walked into town together, headed toward the Three Broomsticks to celebrate over butterbeers. The sky was a clear blue, and though it was still cold, there was an occasional warm breeze that hinted at the coming spring. Rowan hadn't felt so relaxed in a long time.

James and Lily were once again oblivious to anything around them beyond their small bubble, arms wrapped around each other, and Sirius and Remus were fervently discussing the differences between Animagi forms and corporeal Patronus forms. Peter was nodding his head furiously in agreement with whatever the other two boys said. Rowan quietly admired Remus' insightful comments and the gentle smiles he'd direct at Peter, feeling particularly affectionate towards him that afternoon.

They'd followed through with their agreement to communicate honestly about the physical aspects of their relationship, and though they'd had some heated moments – he had recently picked up his old habit of catching her after tutoring sessions – they still hadn't attempted full intimacy again. Rowan was grateful because though she wanted to be with him, she knew that she probably wasn't as ready as she thought she was. But it didn't make it any easier.

In moments like this one, when she'd see him looking so natural and calm without the shadows of anxiety across his face, she couldn't help but feel that familiar ache and want to know all of him again.

She snapped herself from her inner fantasies and looked over at Mina. They had been walking arm in arm, but the brunette had been strangely quiet the entire afternoon, staring off dazedly. She and Sirius had maintained their secret casual relationship. Rowan hadn't brought it up since Mina had shot down her suggestions the month prior, but she could tell that it still bothered her friend.

"Hey, you okay?" she asked quietly so that no one else could hear.

"Huh?" Mina asked distractedly. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine. What's up?"

"I'm not the only one with a grinding gears face," she said, trying to sound light.

Mina flinched slightly, but then turned away from her again and resumed her brooding. Rowan was beginning to worry now.

"Seriously, is everything alright?" she asked concernedly.

Mina didn't respond for a moment, conflict written over her features. Finally, she responded, "Cillian Brown asked me out yesterday," she said quietly.

Rowan's eyes widened with understanding. Cillian Brown was a handsome fellow Gryffindor in their year whose looks were only rivaled by Sirius'. He had the classical features of a fairytale prince and wasn't exactly a shabby student either. He was in most of their classes and was known for his polite manners and warm approachability, offering a nice contrast to Sirius' bad boy reputation. Rowan could see exactly why Mina was torn.

"What are you going to do?" Rowan asked.

Mina shook her head. "I don't know. I already told him I had plans to come with all of you today, so I said I'd get back to him about next time. But I don't really know what to do," she said sadly. Her soft tone of voice was so out of character. Rowan felt a wave of concern.

"Are you going to tell Sirius about it?" she asked, forcing her eyes not to dart to the dark-haired boy.

"I don't know," Mina sighed. "I suppose I should. I mean, any girl in her right mind would know that Brown is the right choice. I don't know what's wrong with me," she mourned.

Rowan smiled sadly. "You can't help whom you fall for," she said sympathetically.

Mina snorted lightly, amused slightly. "Yeah, I guess you'd know, huh?" she smiled at Rowan, who grinned and leaned into her friend playfully. "How's that going by the way?" she asked.

"It's going really well," grinned the dark-haired girl, blushing slightly. "We're still taking it slow and working on things as we go, but so far, it's been really great," she said quietly. She snorted. "Though I can't say we can compare to that disgusting spectacle," she said, indicating towards James and Lily, who were giggling at a private joke, noses touching.

Mina grimaced noticeably. "Thank Merlin. To be honest, I'd probably kill you if you and Lupin got like that. No one should be that happy," she said sullenly.

The two girls looked at each other and grinned, succumbing to a small fit of laughter. Rowan leaned her head against Mina's affectionately and savored her friend's company.

"Hey, you lovebirds, hurry up!" someone called.

They looked ahead and saw Remus and Sirius holding the door open to the Three Broomsticks and waving at them to speed up.

Rowan looked at Mina and grinned mischievously. The brunette's eyes widened as she realized what her friend was about to do. "Oh, Winnie, no, come on!" she whined.

"_Boo!_ No fun!" she cried at her, releasing her friend's arm and sprinting towards Remus at full speed. His eyes widened at the sudden movement and barely caught her as she threw her body at his, letting the door swing back and hit Sirius in the side of the face roughly, who let out a bark of pain.

Giggling madly, she squeezed Remus tightly around the neck, legs flailing in the air, and he laughed loudly in amusement, hugging her back. As he let her down softly, she smiled cheekily up at him, and he chuckled, reaching up to muss up her hair playfully.

"You're such a kid," he said fondly, taking her hand in his and knocking his forehead against hers lightly. She laughed again. "Let's go inside?" he asked.

She nodded happily and turned to open the door when she saw that Sirius and Mina had moved away from the door a ways away from them and seemed to be arguing.

"What's going on over there?" Remus asked, frowning.

Rowan sighed. "I'll tell you later," she said, pulling him into the pub and towards the table with their other friends.

* * *

When Sirius and Mina finally entered the Three Broomsticks together, it was clear to everyone there that they'd fought. They pointedly didn't look or address the other for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening, and Rowan had a feeling that Mina had told Sirius about Cillian Brown's offer. After a couple of hours at the pub, Mina excused herself to go find the other Gryffindor Seventh Year girls, and though she'd wanted to go with her to see if she was okay, Mina gave her a glaring look that said to stay.

They didn't see her again until later that evening in the Common Room, where the other three Marauders had chosen to throw their best friend a birthday party, filled with all their usual gimmicks. Remus had been forced to drink several shots of firewhiskey with his mates and other well-wishers, and Rowan was finding it very hard to not laugh at the rosy glow on his cheeks from the liquor. He'd been continuously more physically affectionate with her throughout the night, grabbing her and kissing her deeply in front of the entire house, to their catcalls and her embarrassment, and she'd decided to watch him carefully in case he did something stupid.

Later in the night, Remus and James drew their wands to battle Patronuses to the awe of their peers. James' stag and Remus' wolf were pacing around each other in circles and then clashing in a flurry of antlers and teeth. There were loud cheers and thrilled shouts from around the room, and Remus and James were both laughing maniacally. Little William Surrey and Peter were both hovering excitedly around the battle, cheering even more loudly than the rest. Remus had his arm loosely draped around Rowan's shoulders, and she couldn't help but feel proud of being on the arm of such a talented wizard.

She looked across the crowd and saw Mina chatting casually with Cillian Brown. He was clearly interested in her, leaning forward and playing with a loose strand of her hair, and Rowan could see that Mina had turned all of her typical charms on, toying with the hem of Cillian's shirt and batting her eyelashes at him. But Rowan could also see that her gaze would occasionally dart over to Sirius, who was watching the two with such a murderous look that Rowan could practically see fumes coming from his nostrils. She cringed inwardly – someone was going to get hurt one way or another before the night was through.

Finally, the match was called a tie, and people started trickling out of the Common Room slowly. Peter disappeared out of the Portrait Hole with the Invisibility Cloak saying that he was going to meet Maria somewhere, and Lily, Rowan, James, and Remus all sat around the fireplace to chat quietly, everyone sobering up slowly. Sirius, Mina, and Cillian had disappeared sometime when Rowan had looked away, and she couldn't help but feel slightly nervous about the whole thing, though she pushed it to the back of her mind.

The four got to talking about their future plans after graduating, and eventually, the topic was brought back to the war.

"Do you guys think you'll join the Order right after graduation?" James asked quietly.

Lily nodded her head vigorously with that hard determination in her eyes. "Definitely, I want to get started right away." James looked at her with fierce adoration.

"What about you guys?" he asked, directing the question at the other couple.

"Yeah, probably," answered Remus. "I haven't told my parents yet, so I imagine that'll be a problem, but I want to start fighting right away as well," he said firmly. Rowan felt a fierce sense of pride towards her boyfriend.

They looked at Rowan. "I want to, but I'm worried about the Potions Master I'm apprenticing under," she answered honestly. "I'm going to regardless of what he thinks, but I might have to work for him for a couple of months to get settled into the routine before I can try to dedicate myself to the Order."

"So you've found someone you want to work with then?" Lily piped up, interest piqued. "Who is it?"

Rowan hesitated for a moment before answering. "Damocles Belby," she said firmly.

Lily's eyes widened. "Damocles Belby?" she asked slowly. "But he's so rough. I've heard some terrible things about the way he treats his apprentices. Are you sure you want to work for him?" she asked.

Rowan nodded fiercely. "Yes, he's the only one I want to work with. Even if he's a right bastard, I'm determined to research with him."

But Lily's skeptical look remained. "But doesn't he study some rather obscure topics? What's he researching that's so specialized that you can't work with anyone else?" she asked innocently.

Rowan and Remus shared a serious glance, and she squeezed his hand. She didn't know why she was looking to him for answers – as if he had them – but she felt calmer somehow knowing that he was there.

"Rowan wants to help him find a cure for lycanthropy," Remus said firmly.

Rowan jerked her gaze toward him, startled. He was looking at James and Lily with a determined blaze in his eyes, but then he looked down at her with such a fiery look of pride that Rowan wanted to cry. Her chest constricted. She was overcome with the need to tell him how happy he made her, how much he meant to her, but they weren't alone. She squeezed his hand tightly, and he returned it.

When she finally was able to tear her eyes from his, she looked at their friends. Lily was looking at her with wide-eyed awe, and James had an indecipherable look on his face. His mouth was in a serious line, but his eyes were bright with a fire – she realized that he was fighting back tears. She saw him subtly turn his head to the side for a moment to wipe his eyes quickly, and when he turned back to look at them, he was beaming so brightly at Rowan that she felt she might burn.

Their conversation fell away again to lighter topics like speculation about Peter and his girlfriend. When Lily innocently asked where Sirius had gone, James joked that Sirius had probably run off to find some dark broom closet with a random girl, but she could see a glint of worry in his eyes – he also knew about Sirius and Mina.

Eventually, James and Lily got up to go to bed. Lily blushed with embarrassment as Rowan raised an eyebrow at her, and the two shared a secret smile – _tell me about it later_. James surprised both Rowan and Remus by coming over and hauling them to their feet, hugging them fiercely. He looked at Rowan with such a blazing affection that she almost felt overwhelmed, but she beamed at him and the two childhood friends shared an understanding. James patted Remus affectionately on the back before slipping him a piece of parchment – the Marauders' Map. He smirked at Remus then winked at Rowan before sweeping Lily up bridal-style – she squealed in delight – and then carried her up the stairs to the boys' dorm. Rowan rolled her eyes fondly - such a showman.

Rowan turned to Remus and glanced down at the map then back up to his face, raising a brow. "What's that you got there?" she asked slowly.

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, you know, I figured since James and Lily have the dorm, we could go somewhere else," he replied, smiling shyly at her.

She felt a grin spread across her face. "Where were you thinking?" she asked, playing along.

A glimmer of insecurity flashed across his face for a moment before continuing. "I was thinking somewhere private, like in the Seventh Floor Corridors," he said cautiously.

Rowan felt her breath stop for a moment before nodding her head slowly. She felt a warm giddiness melt into her chest, and she couldn't stop the grin that spread on her face. She reached forward and took his hand.

"Okay," she whispered excitedly.

He grinned in relief and laced his fingers with hers before unfolding the map and holding it out to her. She pointed at it with her wand and whispered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," and as the magical pathways spread across it like inky veins, she looked up and grinned at Remus. When they saw that no obstacles blocked their way up to the Room of Requirement, they set off into the night, hand in hand.


	43. Of Second Chances & Coming Spring

**A/N**: This is **Rated M**. Sexy, sexy. I am a pervert. But really, isn't it about time?

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 43: Of Second Chances and Coming Spring**

Rowan was a riot of feelings. She and Remus were making their way up the short trek to the Room of Requirement through the dark just as they always had over the years – he held the map out, and she held her wand over it for light. She was so warm with the realization that they were once again best friends – more than that – and was barely able to contain her happiness. The separation of their bodies into two forms was almost painful for the thought of simply squeezing him and touching him didn't feel like enough to express how crucial he was to her.

Once they reached the Room of Requirement, passing by the door three times before entering, the room was exactly as it had been the previous May with a large soft bed and low light overhead. She blushed remembering the innocent intentions she'd had when she'd first found it this way and found it ironic that it took on the same form for her less than innocent ones.

She suddenly felt very nervous, but as soon as she saw Remus close the door behind him, sliding the map into his back pocket, the insecurities began to wash away a little. He looked just as nervous as she, and as he approached her, he took her hands gently in his.

"Nothing has to happen tonight if you don't want it to," he said quietly.

She looked at him shyly. Their faces were so close. She already knew how she'd respond, but she wanted to savor this quiet moment with him before she answered. She took in his features, which glowed in the yellow light, and she wanted to memorize him, engrave him into her most basic thoughts.

"I want to," she answered back, squeezing his hands.

He exhaled a breath with relief before smiling at her softly. He leaned forward ever so slowly, pausing inches from her lips as if to breathe her in, eyes closed. He then closed the gap and pressed his mouth against hers softly, sliding his hands from hers up to her face.

She felt him gently trace her upper lip, and she parted her mouth to let him slide his tongue against hers. She felt so warm. His hands felt so large on her face, and she realized how much taller he'd grown. She seemed to be enveloped in his arms. She wanted all of him, to follow all the ways his limbs stretched. She wanted to discover everything that had changed in him since the last time.

Remus began to slowly push her back gently, and once the back of her knees hit the side of the bed, he pushed her firmly so that she fell backward with a bit of a bounce and breathy laugh. After removing her shoes and his, he crawled over her slowly, grinning, before leaning down to kiss her again. She felt him move to begin unbuttoning his shirt, and she reached up and slapped his hand away.

"Wha-" he pulled away startled.

"I want to do it," she whispered in a rush. She pushed him back so that he was sitting on his ankles and sat up, maneuvering him so that he leaned back against the headboard. Perching herself delicately on his thighs, she reached up to begin unbuttoning his shirt slowly. She kept her eyes on her task but blushed under the weight of his gaze, which burned through her. As each button came open, she'd lightly graze the new expanse of skin that would be revealed to her. He was breathing deeply, and she relished the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath her hands.

When she'd finally reached the last one, she looked up at him shyly. He was still gazing at her with that burning look, and he leaned forward to kiss her softly. She sighed into him before gently pulling away and pushing him back again, reaching forward to the middle of his chest and slowly pushing his shirt from his shoulders.

Her hands left a scalding path, tracing from his chest and down his arms. She heard him inhale shakily at the contact, and it thrilled her. She scanned her eyes over him, taking in all of his old scars and the few new ones. She ran a hand over a particularly large one that cut across the right side of his ribcage and leaned forward to graze her teeth along a flat nipple. He hissed, and his grip on her waist tightened. She smiled proudly to herself and then ran her tongue along the long scar.

Remus' hands shot up to grip her blouse, reaching up to unbutton it, but she laughed and swatted his hands away. He looked thoroughly frustrated.

"Winnie, why-" he growled.

"Just let me!" she chided him teasingly. She pried his hands off of her, and he dropped them to his sides sullenly, but his eyes widened as she reached up to unbutton her blouse. She felt her face burn with embarrassment, but she kept her eyes on his as she released each one, moving slowly down her chest to his stomach. His gaze followed her hands hungrily, and she could feel his eyes burning into each new inch of skin that was exposed.

Finally, she shyly slid her blouse from her shoulders and squared her shoulders to him, allowing him to see her. She could feel his eyes boring into her entirety, and though a tremble rippled through her with nerves, she willed her hands to stay down by her sides.

Remus looked back up at her face and leaned forward, kissing her deeply, slowly. The feeling of their bare skin against each other burned, and they both groaned slightly at the contact. When he pulled away, his eyes were still bright.

"I love you, Rowan," he whispered.

She felt her face stretching without her control. She beamed. "I love _you_, Remus," she said, feeling warmth spread from her cheeks to her fingertips. He smiled broadly and leaned his forehead against hers, breathing her in.

She leaned forward and kissed him again and reached her hands up her back to unclasp her bra, but Remus' hands shot up and grabbed her wrists.

"No, I want to do it," he breathed against her mouth, reaching up slowly and unhooking it gently. He pulled his hands away from her slowly and allowed the small garment to fall between them. He spread his palms against her back where the straps had been and savored the feeling of her bare skin against his callouses, and she shivered at the feeling of their bare chests touching, leaning in to kiss him again.

He gripped her waist tightly before rolling them over gently so that he straddled one of her thighs, sliding his hands down to her hip, where he squeezed the soft flesh there before pulling away. Rowan saw him run his eyes over her as if memorizing every curve, every dip and swell of her form. She kept her arms by her sides and surprisingly felt very relaxed under his gaze, smiling gently up at him.

His body had subtly changed since she'd last seen him like this. His shoulders had broadened, and the muscles in his chest seemed much more defined, like his collarbones had been carved from stone and set in flesh. He looked so much more like a man as opposed to the boy he'd been the year before, and she wondered idly if she'd grown into her body as well.

"You're like a dream," he whispered, tentatively placing his hands on her waist and dragging them gently up her sides. She trembled under his rough hands, and when he ran his fingers tentatively over a hardening nipple, she gasped. He let out a shaky breath in response before lowering his head to her neck.

She felt him suck and lick at the sensitive flesh of her throat, groaning softly at the soft gasps and whimpers that she'd emit. His hands ran softly over her breasts, tracing their shape expertly before taking her peaks between his thumb and fingers and pulling gently, drawing whimpers and small cries from Rowan. She ran her hands up back, gripping at his shoulders tightly and writhing against him. It was too much and yet not nearly enough, and when he moved his head down to graze her nipples with tongue and teeth, she cried out, digging her fingernails into his skin.

Remus let out a strangled groan and continued his attentions on her breasts, relishing the sounds of pleasure that she made while sliding his hand down her front, burning a path down her stomach and to the waist of her pants. She felt him slowly releasing the fastening and gripped his hips, willing him impatiently to continue, to go faster, and she felt his breathy laughter against her stomach.

Finally, he pulled away and sat up, dragging her pants down her legs slowly, keeping his eyes on hers. She chewed her lip impatiently, and when he finally slipped them off her ankles, she hooked a foot behind his waist and pulled him back towards her with a snap of her legs. He laughed into their kiss.

Their pace quickened with increasingly impatient hands, each groping for a new stretch of skin, an unexplored territory. She was fumbling with his belt and unfastening his pants clumsily as he kissed her and traced burning patterns into the soft flesh at her hip. Finally she managed to get them undone and pushed them and his underwear roughly off hips with her feet until he kicked them from his knees, maneuvering himself between her thighs.

She cried out as she felt his length touch her through her underwear, and he groaned in response, grinding his pelvis against her. She wrapped her legs around his waist, needing him closer, needing more of him. He groped for the elastic, tearing at them while trying to untangle himself from her long enough to slide them down her legs. When she finally flicked them from her ankle, she felt his fingers _there_ and she let out a strangled cry.

He ran up her folds, coating his fingers with the wetness there before teasing her entrance with his middle finger and flicking her bundle of nerves gently with his thumb. She felt him grin against her mouth.

"You're so wet for me already," he marveled.

"Remus, please," she whispered. They were both panting with need, and she could see his throbbing reaction to her. Had he always been that big?

He kissed her roughly before sliding a finger into her, swallowing the cry she released with a jerk of her hips. He massaged that spot at her front wall and her head felt heavy and overwhelmed – he always did know exactly what she liked.

But then his fingers were gone, as was the pressure of his body and she looked up dazedly to see him positioning himself at her entrance. He looked down at her darkly but waited, eyes asking for her permission. When she returned his heated gaze and offered no resistance, he pushed into her slowly. They shared a choked gasp.

Rowan's head swam at the full feeling of having him inside her. There wasn't any of the pain she'd experienced the first time, only a satisfied stretching as she felt herself mold to him. It wasn't enough. She wanted him deeper, more.

Remus leaned over her and kissed Rowan deeply, not moving and savoring the pressure of her body clenched around him. She was so much tighter, so much warmer than he remembered. He was afraid he'd unman himself, but then he felt her hands grip his hips and she thrust herself upward to him, burying him to the hilt. He saw stars.

"Remus, please," she begged. "More, I need-" she gasped, which turned to a choked shriek as he pulled back and thrust hard into her.

He sat a steady but hard rhythm, and with every thrust, she gasped and cried out, whimpering broken words of adoration. Soon, he felt her muscles begin to tremble around him, and the small spasms threatened to undo him.

"Rowan, I'm about to come," he gasped.

"Remus_, please_, I'm so close," she whimpered pleadingly.

Oh Merlin, she was begging. His woman was _begging_. He squeezed a hand between them and rubbed her sensitive nub, and his mind went blank as he felt her hips jerk wildly and her walls clench tightly around him, hearing her voice distantly call out his name as he hit his peak. Her name fell from his lips silently as he quickly followed over her over the edge.

* * *

Rowan swept her hands gently through his hair as they laid together, admiring the pink tint to his cheeks that remained from their exertions. He supported her head with his bicep, curling his arm around her waist while the other traced her thigh and hip lazily. She saw his face break into a calm grin.

"What're you looking so smug about?" she asked softly, teasingly. She couldn't help but return his smile.

He smiled at her for another moment before answering. "I was just thinking that I have no idea how I kept my hands off you for nearly a year after experiencing that. I may fail all my N.E.W.T.s, now that I know what this is like," he said jokingly.

Rowan laughed and leaned up, kissing him soundly. She didn't think she could love him any more deeply. He held her form tightly, and the warmth that spread through them felt very much like spring.


	44. Of Old Habits & New Games

**A/N**: **Rated M again** because why not? They have a lot of lost time to make up for. This is some pretty dirty stuff, tbh. I'm a little amazed that I had the nerve to write it.

Also **CHAPTER 46 WILL BE THE LAST.** It's ending faster than I thought it would. Also, I might not be updating for a while b/c I am out of town, but I will try my best to post the final chapters as soon as I can.

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 44: Of Old Habits and New Games**

Remus was having a serious case of déjà vu.

He was walking down the halls of the Divination Tower, which were rapidly being filled with screams. There was a flood of squeaking mice scampering down the halls that parted at his feet as he walked, though they disappeared in a poof right before reaching the moving staircases.

He tried to maintain a serious face as the younger students noticed the Seventh Year Prefect making his way down the halls, some with expressions of relief, but inwardly, he was grinning amusedly. He'd seen Rowan, Sirius, and Will Surrey whispering conspiratorially to each other earlier in the morning, and he was positive that they were the culprits, but as he got closer to what seemed to be the source of the mice, he felt himself get thrown into a broom cupboard by a hurdling body at his side.

He hit his head slightly against a low shelf with a grunt, and though he was still reeling from the shock, he knew just by a hand on his assaulter's waist that it was his troublemaking girlfriend. There was a dim light in the cupboard, and he could see Rowan grinning up at him wildly, eyes ablaze.

"Hi," she said brightly. She was pressed up against him with his back against a wall.

Remus groaned. "I figured," he muttered. "You, Sirius, and the Surrey kid, right?"

She grinned and fluttered her eyelashes, still pressed up against him. "I don't know what you're talking about, Prefect. I was just coming from class when those terrible mice came out of nowhere! It was horrid!" she said in an uncharacteristically girlish voice.

He glared at her. "You don't even take Divination," he said pointedly.

She laughed. "I was suddenly struck with a rare moment of the Sight and had come up to see Professor Florence," she said dramatically, holding her hands up to her temples in mock-seer style.

He snorted. "Bull shit. I should turn you into McGonagall," he said half-seriously but he snaked an arm around her waist affectionately.

She grinned suggestively. "I think I'd prefer it if you punished me personally," she said lowly. "In fact…" she trailed off, suddenly dropping to her knees in front of him.

"Winnie, wha-" he started, startled by her sudden movement, but before he could stop her, she had made away with the fastening of his pants and was licking him through his underwear, rapidly hardening under her attention.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her wand. "_Muffliato,_" she whispered at the door before turning back to Remus, who was now painfully hard.

He was gripping the wall tightly and gaping down at her disbelievingly. She grinned up at him before shoving his pants down to his knees in a swift sweep. Then her tongue was running along him from base to tip, and he let out a choked groan. "R-Rowan!" he gasped.

Rowan took his head into his mouth and moaned, letting the vibrations of her voice ripple through him. She set a brutally fast rhythm, hands gripping his hips for leverage as she quickly brought him closer to climax, occasionally releasing him to run a tongue over his head delicately.

After their night in the Room of Requirement, they'd resumed their old habit of constant touching, and Rowan frequently found herself pushed into dark cupboards like this one where Remus would attempt to make up for their lost time. Unfortunately, their rapidly approaching N.E.W.T.s had begun taking up more and more of their time, and she'd found herself aching for the boy's attentions desperately. Their relationship had been happier than ever since his birthday, and she wanted to express her feelings for him at every opportunity possible but found herself frequently disappointed at their lack of time together.

He usually took the initiative in their sneaking around, but she'd been fighting a small surge of jealousy since the morning when she saw a couple of Sixth Year Ravenclaw girls flirting with him shamelessly outside of the Great Hall. Rowan knew he'd never even consider looking at another woman, but she couldn't help the bite of possessiveness she felt, so when she saw that he was the first Prefect to appear after her prank, she thanked her luck and seized the opportunity.

She could tell by his trembling hips that he was getting close, and she sped up her pace, taking him to the back of her throat. But then she released him from her mouth and pulled his pants up quickly. He looked down at her, bewildered at her sudden ceasing.

"Rowan, w-wha-" he stammered.

She stood quickly and looked up at him amusedly. His eyes were glazed over, and he was panting still, pink in the face. She grinned and stood on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear, "Be sure to punish me later, Prefect."

His eyes widened in amazement at her, and she stepped away from him, still grinning coquettishly before slipping out the door inconspicuously and skipping cheerily down the hall. Remus remained leaning against the wall of the broom cupboard, noting that he was still extremely hard. He groaned in frustration at her audacity and waited for his erection to die down. He'd definitely have to find a way to get back at her later.

* * *

Rowan had been excitedly skittish for the rest of the day after jumping Remus in the Divination Tower earlier that afternoon. It was becoming more and more difficult to keep her hands off of him in general, and each time the thought of their next interlude emerged, she'd feel that familiar ache. She kept looking over her shoulder expecting to see him there, knowing that he'd take his delicious revenge on her sooner or later, and she was desperately looking forward to it.

They had History of Magic a couple hours after she left him in the broom cupboard, and Remus had grabbed her hand as they entered the classroom with a dark look, pulling her to the last row at the back of the room. She was surprised at his choice of seat since he was usually one of the only students who managed to stay awake during Professor Binns' dreadfully boring lectures and always sat at the front, but as the ghostly instructor began his lecture, Rowan realized exactly why he'd chosen that spot.

About fifteen minutes in, eyes darting over suspiciously at him, Remus looked as composed as ever, writing his notes with a look of focus. She began to relax a little, looking over the room at their classmates, who were nearly all asleep or daydreaming with glazed over eyes. Lily was the only one who seemed to be paying attention up at the front of the class. Even Mina was asleep on her desk. Rowan was amusedly watching Sirius' head bobbing up and down half-asleep. She was grinning inwardly at the sight of him rhythmically jerking awake as his head fell too far down, when she suddenly felt Remus' hand creep over her thigh.

She jerked her head in his direction. He was still writing, though there was a noticeable smirk playing on his lips, and when she saw him look over at her slyly from the corner of his eye, she knew what he was doing. Her face turned bright red – how could he want to do this _there?_ It was one thing to fool around in a cupboard or a private study room with the door locked, but in the middle of class? She gripped his hand firmly, but he squeezed her thigh and began to slide his fingers up slowly.

"Remus!" she whispered frantically, terrified that someone would notice them.

He grinned and lowered his mouth to her ear. "You knew what you were getting yourself into, Delacroix. Just enjoy it," he whispered darkly. Her face burned at his words, but she trembled with anticipation, feeling the aching fire stoked to a full flame.

His hand continued its path upward, sliding under her skirt, and she found it more and more difficult to act as if she wasn't dying for him to touch her. His fingers teased at the lacy edges of her underwear, barely grazing at her sensitive skin but never touching her where she wanted.

"Spread your legs for me, Rowan," he whispered. She trembled and looked around nervously to see that everyone was still very much asleep before slowly spreading her legs for Remus' wandering fingers.

"Good girl," he murmured, running his hand along the edge where her inner thigh met her pelvis. She shuddered, and when she felt him slowly drag a finger up her folds and then press gently down on her clitoris, she had to bite her lip violently to prevent the cry that threatened to tear from her mouth.

She heard him laugh breathily. "Do you want me to stop?" he asked darkly. She was so embarrassed, but she thought she'd combust if he were to cease his touching. She shook her head jerkily, red in the face, and he grinned deviously.

"Take your panties off. Give them to me," he whispered darkly. She felt her muscles clench at the sound of his low voice before reaching up her skirt. She hooked her thumbs into the elastic and looked at him questioningly, mortified and yet thrilled, and he nodded at her. She trembled as she pulled them down slowly, making sure that no one was watching her, and then handed them quickly to Remus, who tucked them into his robes' pocket.

"Spread your legs," he commanded again, and she sat back slowly and allowed his hand access to her now exposed sensitivity.

His fingers traced her outer folds, spreading her gently. She felt her muscles contract slightly at the feeling of her entrance so exposed. Her hips were trembling with need, but he went painfully slowly, barely grazing his fingers around her entrance but nothing more. Rowan was panting, lips clamped tightly to prevent any sound from escaping them. She saw Remus was still looking ahead toward the chalkboard, but he had a smug smirk on his face.

And then finally, she felt him flick her clitoris gently, and her hips bucked involuntarily, trying desperately to stifle her moans. He was watching her from the corner of his eye with a hungry look, and when he finally slipped a finger into her, they both shuddered.

He ground his palm against her as he thrust his finger, eventually adding a second, and she was reeling with heat. She was vaguely aware of the classroom around them in her spiral upward, and just as she felt herself begin to tighten, his hand was gone and she was left reeling.

She looked up in a shocked daze at Remus who had turned look at her finally, grinning. He reached his hand up and took his fingers into his mouth, sucking off her fluids from them. She thought she might climax at the sight. When the shock left her and he'd turned back to face Professor Binns at the front, she realized how cold she was.

"Remus, give me back my knickers!" she whispered, but he ignored her. "_Remus!_" she said panicking.

Then the bell rang, and as the students all woke up with a jolt and began to collect their things, she looked at him frantically. He was grinning down at her triumphantly and leaned down to whisper in her ear without touching her.

"I'll see you at dinner, Winnie," he promised darkly, before walking briskly out of the classroom and leaving her aching and confused.

* * *

The rest of the day dragged, and by the time dinner rolled around, she was a tight ball of need. She was still on edge from History of Magic class and jumped anytime someone talked to her, hyper aware of the fact that she was bare beneath her skirt. She was already eating with Sirius and Peter, still in a daze, when Remus appeared and sat down next to her, planting a kiss on her cheek and grinning, obviously very aware of the effects his stunt had on her. Her face turned red and she glared at him, turning back to talk to Sirius across the table.

Throughout dinner, Remus would graze his hands along her thigh or back, and she'd swat them away from her, much to Peter and Sirius' confusion. Remus wasn't at all perturbed though and continued to smile as if nothing was amiss. Rowan, however, was red in the face and jumpy, and Sirius' face eventually spread into a knowing grin. He let out a barking laugh, much to Peter's confusion, and winked at Rowan suggestively.

Rowan thought she might combust. She turned and glared at Remus, who looked at her innocently. "Yes?" he asked amusedly.

Her eyes burned into him. "_Now_," she said fiercely, and he laughed but stood to his feet, saying bye to a laughing Sirius and a confused Peter. He then took her hand and led them out of the Great Hall.

They tumbled into the first broom cupboard they could find, and she pushed him up against the wall again, kissing him roughly and scoring his lips with her teeth. She was tearing at the buttons on his shirt and loosening his tie so that she could have access to his chest before starting on his pants. He laughed into their kiss.

"So impatient," he chided against her mouth, though he was also quickly doing away with the buttons on her shirt, yanking her bra up over her breasts and tugging at her nipples roughly. She moaned desperately into his mouth.

"You're such a prat, Remus Lupin," she bit out, and he laughed, suddenly squeezing her butt underneath her skirt, which was still bare from her lack of underwear. She finally managed to undo his pants, running her hands over his already hard length.

"You started it," he growled playfully before pulling back his hand and spanking her rear with a loud slap. She yelped at the suddenness, but it just fueled the fire in her. "But I think you quite liked what I did this afternoon. Who knew you were such a pervert?" he teased.

She growled before tearing herself from his mouth and lowering her head to bite his nipple and squeeze his member. He let out a strangled groan before tearing her off of him and spinning her around so that she was pushed up against the wall face first with her rear out towards him. He shoved her skirt up and positioned himself quickly, thrusting into her hard.

She cried out loudly, and he tangled his fingers in her hair at the base of her neck, pulling her back gently to kiss her before starting a brutal rhythm. He was pressed up against her back, breathing harshly in her ear, and she could feel the heat radiating between them. She was already so tightly wound that she knew she wouldn't last long.

"Remus," she gasped. "Oh, Remus, I'm going to come!"

He growled. "Yes, come on. Come for me," he bit out and then moved his hand down to her nerves to rub her there, and she came hard and loud, calling out his name. He shouted out his completion and released himself inside of her, both trembling and shaking weakly.

They stood in silence for a few moments, both panting harshly. He held her to his chest tightly, and she found his warmth soothing in her post-orgasm glow. Eventually, he pulled out of her, both gasping quietly at the loss of heat, and Remus leaned down, kissing her gently on the temple and the neck.

As they cleaned each other up, Remus looked over at her curiously. "So what made you start this this afternoon?" he asked amusedly.

She blushed but grinned. "I saw you flirting with some girls this morning and got jealous," she admitted sheepishly.

He grinned smugly. "Really? I might have to flirt with other girls more often then," he teased.

She looked up and glared again before grabbing him by the tie and yanking him forward. "You wouldn't dare!" she bit out at him, and he laughed again, taking her face in his hands and kissing her gently. She relaxed into the kiss, smiling against his mouth. She knew he'd always be hers.

He pulled away from her after a few moments. "Let's get back to the Common Room then?" he asked, reaching for her hand. She nodded and smiled, and he led them out of the cupboard, looking around cautiously for any teachers. Rowan then remembered something.

"You still have my knickers!" she exclaimed at Remus. He laughed and kissed her on the cheek.

"Maybe I'll help you put them back on later," he said suggestively, to which she blushed and laughed, following him up the stairways with her fingers laced in his.


	45. Of NEWTs & Futures Revisited

**A/N**: ALMOST DONE!

Thank you to all the recent views, reviews and favorites while I've been away! I just realized that "Favorite Authors" is a thing, and to the few individuals who have listed me, I'm totally blown away and honored. Really, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. If I could send you fruit baskets as a way of expressing gratitude, I totally would.

**orangezauber: **Thank you so much for the incredibly thoughtful review. I'm really touched that you appreciate my interpretation of Remus' character and your comment about relating my story to your own OCs. I can't say thank you enough. Thanks so much for following along, and I hope you enjoy the development of the story later on!

**missalex3030:** Thanks to you too! I also get frustrated with Remus' portrayal as weak or whiny in some fanfictions that I've read, so I'm really glad that my interpretation of his character is being expressed as a strong individual. Thank you so much for following along and all the favoriting!**  
**

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 45: Of N.E.W.T.s and Futures Revisited**

Mina began dating Cillian Brown soon after Remus' birthday. Rowan could tell her friend didn't really feel anything in particular towards the handsome boy, but she decided it'd be best to let her deal with it, as the brunette's stubbornness outmatched even her own. She had a feeling that Mina was only dating the boy to get a rise out of Sirius, and she had to admit that it was working very well. Every time Mina's name was mentioned in conversation, he would visibly bristle, and if he saw the couple looking particularly cozy in the Common Room, he'd sometimes have to leave, stomping up the stairs to the boys' dorm. Rowan still didn't know what happened between them in March, but she just hoped they'd reconcile soon, at least as friends, especially since the end of the year was quickly approaching.

Fortunately for Sirius, he didn't have much time to brood over Mina. Before any of the Seventh Years knew it, their N.E.W.T.s were upon them, and each was feeling the strain. For a month before their exams, the Marauders and company could be found spending their afternoons and evenings holed up in the library in some quiet corner with their noses deep in their books with quills scribbling furiously.

Rowan and Remus, in particular, were quite manic with their work, both determined to do as perfectly on their exams as possible. Remus knew that he had to achieve the highest scores he could to outweigh his condition, and Rowan's promise to Belby to receive a perfect score on her Potions N.E.W.T. was a constant weight in her mind. The two spent hours upon hours together deep into the night, comforted with the other's presence but otherwise not touching and unspeaking. Remus was once again eternally grateful that this girl seemed to understand him so well without having to ask.

Beyond the studying, however, Remus had never been so happy in his entire life. His monthly transformations had been milder, and he had been returning after each full moon with less scrapes and bruises, much to Rowan's relief – though he had to admit to himself that the dark presence in him responded enthusiastically to her affection for his scars. He and Rowan seemed to have reached a newly elevated level of understanding and intimacy, and each time he looked at her, he silently admired the fire in her eyes and felt fiercely proud of her vigilance.

Finally, June arrived, and every Seventh Year could be seen with pale skin and dark rings beneath their eyes. Remus laughed at his friends and joked that they were all beginning to look like him. During the week before their exams, each of the Marauders came and went from meals with their noses buried in their notes. Peter looked green, and even Sirius and James were particularly jumpy. Lily was completely unresponsive, deaf to all inquiries, and Remus felt like he could vomit at any moment.

He'd been keeping the thoughts of what laid in store for him from his mind as best as he could, but with his future looming immediately over the horizon, he found himself withdrawing again. He saw the worried looks on Rowan's face and felt immeasurably guilty, but he couldn't help himself. He knew she understood him better than anyone else, but she had no idea what it would be like for him as soon as they left Hogwarts. A part of him still was terrified of how it would affect their relationship.

He had been corresponding with the Institute of Charms and Enchantments, a private research institution that studied new charms and spells in London, and so far, he'd managed to keep them interested and enthusiastic about him. He was dreading the day that he had to discuss his condition with them, but he attempted to keep himself distracted, often reaching over to grasp Rowan's hand tightly whenever he felt a particularly dark thought emerge. She'd quickly begun to understand this new habit of his and would tear her attention away from whatever she'd be doing and reach up to hold his face gently, kissing him softly as if to say _I know_. The small gesture spoke volumes and made his chest constrict painfully.

She'd continued her work with Belby even in the frenzy of exam preparation. About a week prior to their exams, she'd received a letter over breakfast from him reminding her of their agreement. Her mouth had taken on a serious line and her eyes a burning ember as she read over the letter before folding it delicately and slipping it into her inner robes pocket as if to serve as a solid, physical representation of her task. He didn't ask her about it, but when she turned to see him looking at her, he squeezed her hand tightly, and she smiled at him thinly and squeezed back.

* * *

Finally, their exams were done, and Rowan thought she might throw up from the relief. She found herself in the Common Room with all of the other Seventh Years, each of them lying across various couches and seats with exhaustion, silent and overwhelmed. She was draped across Remus' lap in an old, soft leather armchair, her face buried in his neck while he toyed with her hair absentmindedly. He looked sick with anxiety still.

"Hey," she whispered, reaching up to rub his face reassuringly. He had grown a small length of scratchy stubble over the past week, and she mused how much they'd grown over the past year – when did he start growing so much facial hair? It was comforting against her hand. She pulled away from him slightly so that she could see his face better. His features were tight with worry, and he still looked sickly pale.

"Remus, you're brilliant," she whispered. He grimaced. "No, stop it," she scolded gently. She held his face in her hands. "You are brilliant, and any employer who gets you will be incredibly fortunate to have such a spectacular talent. If they decide that they don't want you, then it's their loss, not yours. You're going to be fine," she whispered fervently.

He breathed shakily, grip on her waist tightening. "I really hope so," he whispered, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against hers, cherishing the feeling of her in his arms and praying that he wouldn't have to let her go.

* * *

Remus woke up the next morning blearily, still feeling the fatigue of the past couple of months, and saw that Rowan was in bed next to him, sound asleep. They had gone to bed separately, so she must have snuck into his room in the middle of the night, knowing that he'd still be troubled. He smiled softly at the sight of her sleeping form and felt that familiar warmth of adoration spread through his chest slowly. He squeezed her against him tightly and savored the pressure of her body against his. She seemed to respond to him subconsciously and wrapped her arm around his middle, sighing.

He stared up at the ceiling and thought about everything that had happened between them over the years. He'd first noticed her their First Year because she was James' childhood friend, but he was so absorbed in the fact that he finally had a group of friends that he had overlooked her completely. Back in his Third Year, he never would have imagined that her sudden increase of attention towards him was a result of her knowing what he was, though he had been thrilled that such a pretty girl was offering him her friendship. Her physically affectionate mannerisms threw him off guard for nearly a year before he got used to them. It still amazed him that she'd been able to deduce his condition at thirteen and even more that she'd kept her knowledge a secret from him for so long.

They'd come so far in the past seven years, the last three especially. He never thought he could learn so much from someone so small. She certainly was the best surprise he'd ever had. She still continued to shock him at every turn with her warmth and generosity, and he prayed that he could continue to watch over her and give her what she deserved.

In his quiet moments alone, he still felt that icy fear creep up his spine at the thought of her endangering herself for him, but he'd slowly resigned himself to the fact that he'd never be able to convince her to give up on her ambitions. Her infallible trust in him to not hurt her nearly made him believe it as well, but the idea that men like Fenrir Greyback existed planted fear deep within him. He hoped that the protection of the Order would be enough to shield her from him, though it was a double-edged sword – she may receive higher security and training, but she'd be knowingly putting herself in highly dangerous situations and battles against Death Eaters. He shuddered at the thought and pushed it away. He'd be there to protect her. He was determined to protect her.

But then there was also the question of whether he'd even be able to support her as a partner at all, regardless of the physical dangers. If he couldn't secure a sufficient job, what good could he be for her? He knew she'd inherit enough to support the both of them easily with plenty leftover, but the shame was sickening. She would never think less of him, but what if someone more impressive came along? Would he be able to let her go if she found someone who could offer her more than his weak prospects? And even if she stayed with him, how long would his pride be able to stand knowing that he couldn't provide for his woman?

He heard a breathy laugh and looked down to see her awake, gazing up at him with an amused face. It was startlingly bright compared to his dark thoughts, and he was knocked dumbstruck for a moment.

"What're you looking at, Delacroix?" he finally murmured teasingly.

She smiled. "I can tell you're brooding unnecessarily again, and if you don't quit it, your face will get stuck like that. Your nose is wrinkled and your eyebrows are all furrowed like this," she said softly, reaching her hands up and pointing her fingers down over her eyes comically.

He glared and then grabbed her waist suddenly, flipping them over so that he was on top. She squealed with delight. He grinned and kissed her, which she melted into, wrapping her arms around his neck and sighing against his mouth. He wished he could stay with her there in bed and never leave.

"Hey, you fuckers, some of us are still trying to sleep," a muffled voice groaned.

Remus pulled away and grinned. "Sorry, Padfoot!" he called back. Sirius grumbled incoherently and went back to sleep.

He turned back to her and smiled again, "Should be go somewhere else?" he whispered.

She nodded enthusiastically and grinned. "Yeah, let's go," she whispered excitedly, shoving him off of her and bounding out of the room like a spark. He laughed and chased after her, ignoring Sirius' annoyed groans, both still barefoot and in their pajamas.

* * *

Rowan hadn't felt so light for a long time. That Saturday, they received their marks, and each of them had passed all of their exams. She'd received all O's and a few E's, but the only one that mattered to her was her Potions exam on which she'd received a perfect score. Professor Slughorn had been so moved with pride that he dragged her from her house table to the front of the Great Hall at breakfast and announced it dramatically, wiping away a couple tears of joy, much to her embarrassment. The Gryffindors and faculty members gave her a standing ovation – Sirius, Peter, and James hooted rowdily at her – and she smugly savored the sour look on Severus Snape's face, for she'd officially won their unspoken rivalry. When she received a letter from Belby in response to her test scores, she thought her chest might burst with his small words of praise, stating that he'd see her at the end of June for her first day as his apprentice.

Remus had overall done even better on his exams than Rowan, and she never thought she'd be so thrilled about being beaten academically. He'd received nearly all O's, and Rowan hadn't been able to help herself from launching herself at him with joy and pride at the relief on his face.

She'd sat with him quietly as he wrote his letter to the Institute of Charms and Enchantments with his proof of marks and to inform them about his condition. It'd been a tense afternoon to say the least, and they spent the rest of the evening lying in his bed and discussing his next steps quietly if it didn't work out for him with the ICE. Her father had already found her a small apartment in London, close to Belby's apothecary and lab, and his parents had insisted that he remain living at home for at least a few months while he settled into his new life. He said that if he couldn't find a job with the ICE, he'd have to follow up with the other employers that he'd met at the recruiting events earlier in the year and pray that they gave him a chance. She ran her palms up and down his back gently throughout the night, and they fell asleep holding hands tightly.

The next day, a letter was dropped in his lap in the Great Hall, and when Remus saw the seal on the letter, all the blood in his face drained. Rowan saw the seal as well and felt her throat close for a moment. She looked up at Remus questioningly with an empty feeling in her stomach. He stared at it for a few moments without moving before grabbing her hand and standing from the table. She followed him outside to the castle grounds, where they finally sat in their usual hillside spot, and he held the letter in his lap shakily.

The two sat in a heavy silence staring at the letter before Remus spoke. "I can't do it," he whispered, trembling. Rowan gripped his forearm tightly.

"Do you want me to read it to you?" she asked quietly. He stared at the letter a while longer and then nodded almost unperceptively, handing it to her slowly with shaking hands.

Her hands were also shaking, but she willed herself forward for him. She broke the seal carefully and pulled the letter slowly from the envelope, trying desperately not to wrinkle it. It was written in an ornate cursive with blue ink. She stared unseeing at the words for a moment before drawing a shaky breath and began to read quietly:

"_Dear Mr. Lupin, thank you for your continued interest in the Department of Protective Charms. Unfortunately, we do not believe that we can offer you a place with us at this time. Despite your impressive résumé, we are not inclined to hire individuals with your condition for the immeasurable risks it places our other employees in. We apologize and hope that you do not take this news to heart as a personal offense._"

Rowan could barely breathe. Her heart pounded in her head. She dared herself to look over at Remus. He was staring at his hands in his lap, which were inert and loose, and her chest tightened painfully with grief.

"Should I continue?" she whispered. He drew a shaky breath and nodded. She turned back to the letter and realized that her hands were shaking almost uncontrollably. She forced them to still and began again, "However-" Her breath stopped. _However…?_

"_However, we have informed the Head of the Department of Magical Creature Enchantments and Defenses Mr. Fabian Prewett of your condition and qualifications, and he has expressed great interest in accepting you into his department."_ Rowan's voice had sped up almost breathlessly as she read through the sentence. Her tears had begun to fall onto her hands, and she frantically wiped them on her legs so to not smudge the letter. Remus still hadn't moved, as if believing that if he did the spell would be broken. She continued, "_Mr. Prewett has informed us that he will contact you within the next coming days to arrange an interview. Please be prepared to respond promptly. We wish you the best of luck on your future endeavors. Sincerely, Philippe Fontaine, Head of the Department of Protective Charms…"_

Rowan's hands were still shaking as she read the letter over again. She was almost blinded by her tears, which were now flowing freely. She held the letter tightly, hands still trembling and looked up at Remus.

He was bent over, head hanging, and crying, tears falling into his palms. His body trembled, and she could hear him gasping for air. The wind was knocked from her lungs, and though every part of her body was singing, humming with elation, she suddenly felt pained that the only way she could express it to him was through words and gestures. It didn't seem enough. It wasn't _nearly_ enough. She wanted him to feel everything that she did, to know how overjoyed she was for him.

She continued to watch him in silence as he cried into his hands. She was terrified to touch him, scared that if she did, he'd shatter and none of it would be real. And this was something so personal for him - how could she possibly understand how he was feeling? It was almost painful knowing that she couldn't feel it with him, for she wanted to know all of him, to share his burdens, his relief. A wave of humility washed over her.

Finally, she worked up the courage to reach out to him, and his hand shot out to grab her wrists. She found herself pulled forward into his lap to straddle him, where he clung to her, burying his face in her neck, and wept. She curled her arms around his neck and cried with him, tangling her hands in his hair and thanking whatever higher powers that might exist for creating someone like him.

When their tears finally stopped flowing and their breathing had calmed, Rowan pulled away from him slightly so that she could see him. She reached up to wipe the drying tears from his cheeks gently and smiled tearfully at him, which he returned. Despite the redness of his eyes and nose, his face looked so much younger, so much lighter. She wanted to engrave the image into her skin, feel him in her blood and bones.

"I can't believe this is all happening," he breathed. There was almost a smile, a breath of light.

Rowan wanted to respond but still didn't know what to say. What _could_ she say? Telling him that she was thrilled for him seemed redundant.

"I love you, Remus," she whispered, leaning her forehead against his and closing her eyes. It was the only thing that seemed to even come close to expressing what she was feeling.

He beamed. "I love you, Rowan," he whispered back, hand gripping her waist tightly.

They spent the rest of the morning lying out in the sun. He pulled her in against him as he laid back, wrapping an arm around her waist and spreading his other out to his side, absorbing the warmth from the sunlight and closing his eyes, relishing the softness of the blades of grass between his fingers. He took a deep breath and released it slowly, feeling all of the tension in his body seep from his muscles and soak themselves into the soil beneath him. He knew he should owl his parents with the news, but he couldn't find the will to move, wanting to stretch out the moment for as long as possible. With the letter clutched in Rowan's hands and her head against his chest, he could pretend that everything was right in the world.


	46. Of Goodbyes, Fortunes & Near Horizons

**A/N**: **This is the last chapter of the series**. I just wanted to give a huge thank you to everyone who's followed along this far - this has been my first time writing a fanfiction, and I honestly still can't believe that people are reading it, let alone enjoying it. Thanks so much for all the follows, favorites, reviews, and even lurking. I appreciate it more than I can say!

**UPDATE:** I've posted the sequel! It's called **Of Men and War.** Hope to see you all on the other side!

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

* * *

**Chapter 46: Of Goodbyes, Fortunes, and Near Horizons**

There was loud chatter in the Great Hall. It was the final banquet of the year, and the Gryffindors were rowdy with excitement – they'd won both the Quidditch and House Cups again this year, and the Great Hall was bedecked in red and gold lions. The Marauders and friends were all bubbling with giddiness. James, Sirius, and Mina had all been accepted to the Auror Academy, to start in September, Peter had secured an entry level job as a Hex Breaker at Gringott's Bank, and Lily had been accepted to begin training as a Healer in July. Overall, it was the perfect way to end their seven years there.

Mina was sitting with Rowan, away from Cillian. She'd broken up with him the day before, citing that he was far too needy, but Rowan smiled knowingly – Mina just didn't like him much. She inwardly rolled her eyes lightly at her friend's "love 'em and leave 'em" philosophy, slightly envying her nonchalance. Mina and Sirius appeared to have reconciled overnight, and Sirius seemed to have completely forgotten his previous anger with the brunette – he couldn't take his eyes off her the entire night, which seemed to please the girl greatly. Rowan made a note to keep an eye on them for the rest of the evening.

Finally as they finished their meals, Professor Dumbledore stood and called attention to the front of the room. All voices hushed to hear the man's words.

"Another year, another goodbye," he said smiling sadly. Rowan's chest constricted at the word. "It has truly been a joy guiding you all over the past months. To the returning students, I wish you all happy summer months and pray that you return to us in September safely, refreshed and minds prepared to resume learning. To the students who will be leaving us…" His eyes trailed over the Seventh Years, lingering on the Gryffindors. His eyes crinkled with fondness towards them. "… I must say that it has been an honor to have you here. Your class has been a particular delight to watch grow, and the sheer amount of talent and brilliance that I have seen from each of you serves to remind me why I became a professor. I am thrilled with anticipation to see what accomplishments you achieve in the future." Rowan felt a surge of affection towards the old man.

But then his face grew serious. "As you go out to seek your fortunes beyond the safety of Hogwarts, you will undoubtedly face many trials and even dangers in the duration of the war that battles beyond our walls." There was a soft murmur amongst the students. "I beseech you all to protect one another, to take the tools that we have given you here and utilize them for good, for helping the weak and less fortunate – for if we do not protect and love each other, all hope is lost." Rowan felt the fire in her blood begin to simmer. Her eyes flickered towards the Slytherins.

Dumbledore raised a glass, and all of the students except for a group of older Slytherins raised theirs in return. "I offer a toast to your good fortunes and health. May you always look back on your time here at Hogwarts fondly, and may you find a hundred times more happiness beyond. Cheers!" He nodded his head and drank.

"_Here, here!"_ Sirius bellowed. The Gryffindors all leapt to their feet and applauded their beloved Headmaster with James whistling loudly, eventually joined by the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. Half of the Slytherins clapped, but none stood. Rowan choked back the sob that threatened to spill over, filled with a bittersweet ache at knowing that this was the last time she'd ever sit at the table as a student.

As they trickled out slowly from the Great Hall, Rowan looked out of the front entrance to see the pink and purpling sky and was struck with an overwhelming sense of longing.

"Wait!" she shouted at her friends, who all stopped to look at her questioningly.

She grinned. "Fancy a walk?" she asked cheekily.

Their faces slowly spread into broad grins, and Sirius and James took off running for the door. Rowan grinned up at Remus, who smiled exasperatedly at her, before taking off running after them. She heard her friends laugh before starting their chase.

"_What do you all think you are doing?"_ she heard a shrill voice call out. Professor McGonagall was waving her wand at them, shouting after the group of Seventh Years.

"Sorry, Professor!" Lily shouted back laughing.

"Don't wait up!" Peter called, and they all laughed, running out into the red glowing sun.

* * *

The group spent the evening laughing and playing around by the lake, with their sleeves rolled up and ties loosened. James and Rowan had kicked off their socks and shoes and had taken up their old game of fake dueling again with Peter cheering them on, though they made sure to not fall in the water, as it was quite frightening in the dark. Sirius and Mina were sitting next to each other in the grass, a slight ways off from the rest, speaking in hushed tones. Remus could see them both smiling shyly at each other and felt glad that they finally seemed to be on the same page.

The night was hot with summer, and he savored the warm breeze, looking out over the mountains and engraving it into his memory. He grinned amusedly as he watched the two childhood friends bickering over a spell that Rowan had made up that James didn't approve of. He leaned back on his hands with his legs stretched out in front of him, flexing his fingers and toes, feeling the grass between them.

Lily was seated next to him with her knees drawn up to her chest, also watching the pair arguing with amusement. They had turned to Peter to decide who was right, and he seemed overwhelmed by their ferocity. She laughed softly at them before turning to face Remus, working up the courage to ask him her questions.

"Hey, Remus?" she called quietly. He turned his head towards her and smiled gently, urging her to continue.

"I… James told me…" she started unsurely. She suddenly didn't know how to continue.

"He told you that I'm a werewolf," he finished for her kindly. James had already asked him for permission, and he was surprised by how little the idea of Lily knowing what he was bothered him.

She nodded. "Do you mind?" she asked quietly.

He smiled warmly. "No, I don't mind. You were my friend before you were James' girlfriend. I know you're not the sort to think ill of me because of my condition," he said.

She shook her head fiercely. "No, of course not! I think it's incredible, honestly. I know it might be because I'm Muggle-born, but I couldn't understand why people would be so prejudiced against it. You're one of the kindest, most intelligent people I know. It doesn't seem fair at all!" she said fervently.

He smiled at her, warm with affection. Lily was such an innocent and gentle soul. "Thanks, Lily. It means a lot to hear that," he said honestly.

"All the research Rowan has been doing… It's for you, isn't it?" she asked quietly.

Remus' smile grew sadder. "Yeah," he answered.

"She loves you so much," Lily said gently. "You deserve it," she said, firmer.

He shook his head but smiled. "No, she's much too good for me," he said, watching Rowan who was laughing wildly, now rolling in the grass with James and Peter. "I honestly don't know what she even sees in me, but I've told myself to not question it." He paused. "Don't tell her I said that, okay? She'd kill me," he said sheepishly.

Lily smiled. "I won't," she agreed.

Remus grinned. "So what about you and James then?" he asked teasingly.

Lily blushed to her roots. "We're, um, going to move in together next month," she mumbled embarrassedly.

Remus smiled gently. "You guys are pretty serious then," he said.

She smiled, still slightly red, and nodded. "Yeah, he's… he's everything I've ever wanted," she said honestly. "It's all going so quickly, but I think…" she trailed off, blushing again.

Remus smiled but didn't push her to finish her sentence. He heard a shriek and looked back to the trio, grinning. James had thrown Rowan over his shoulder and was carrying her over to him and Lily. She was flailing wildly and laughing.

When James reached them, he grinned. "I think this is yours," he said cheekily to Remus, who laughed and held his arms out, sitting up. James dropped Rowan unceremoniously into Remus' arms, who caught her surprisingly. She squealed at the impact against his chest, looking up at him and snickering mischievously. He grinned back at her and suppressed the urge to kiss her.

James had plopped down next to Lily with a grin. "Hello, darling, did you miss me?" he asked flirtatiously. She snorted but smiled, scooting closer to him.

"Where'd Peter go?" Remus asked, looking around.

"Oh, he's going to look for Maria. I think he was feeling a bit left out as the only bloke without his girl here," Rowan said, smiling. Remus nodded his head in understanding but then looked over at Sirius and Mina when he heard a shout.

"WHOA WHAT!" James screamed, gaping at the pair.

Sirius and Mina were kissing fiercely but broke apart at the sound of James' screeching voice. They both looked extremely flustered, but Sirius then grinned, grabbing Mina's hand and whispering something to her quickly before dragging her back up to the castle.

"_Gross!"_ James shouted. Sirius flipped him the middle finger. They all laughed and catcalled after them.

* * *

The two remaining couples eventually went their separate ways. James and Lily had wandered down to the gardens, and Rowan and Remus slowly started back to the dark halls of the castle, making their way back up to Gryffindor Tower. Rowan's gaze was held upward at the intricate ceilings, taking in every detail she could, knowing that they'd be leaving the next morning.

Remus broke the silence. "Did you know that Lily and James are moving in together?" he asked quietly.

Rowan kept her gaze upward but answered calmly, "Yeah, James told me a few days ago. It's all pretty fast, huh?" She smiled to herself. "I feel like I should stop him from rushing into things with her, but for some reason, I can't. It just sort of feels like it fits into place." She looked at him grinning. "I'm starting to become a romantic in my old age, aren't I?" she joked, looking back up.

He gazed at her seriously. Her skin glowed in the soft white light that spilled into the halls from the high windows, and his chest felt tight.

"Would you consider moving in with me anytime in the near future?" he asked softly.

She looked at him suddenly, eyes wide. He felt an icy fear creep up his neck, but then she said smiled shyly. "I thought we were going to take it slowly," she said quietly.

Remus smiled in relief. "I know, and I don't mean in a few months or even this year perhaps… but soon," he said, looking at her earnestly. The thought of having her to himself in such a way hadn't even occurred to him until his conversation with Lily, but now that he'd imagined it, the idea had seeped into his lungs and couldn't be ridden of.

She smiled broadly and stopped walking, pressing against him so that his back lightly hit the marble of the railing. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders. She wrapped hers around his waist. "Yeah," she said warmly, "Soon."

He smiled, that calm heat that he felt so frequently around her spread throughout his chest, and he leaned down, taking her face between her hands gently. Moonlight had never felt so warm.

* * *

The train ride to Platform 9 ¾ was a happy, yet bittersweet one. Rowan made sure to look at every detail of train, attempting to memorize it all before their trip was over. Lily had cried delicately as they left the castle, and her tears were felt by all of them, each feeling a dull ache of sadness knowing that they'd left their home of seven years behind them. Even James and Sirius hadn't been able to maintain their normal high levels of enthusiasm on the ride back, choosing to reminisce wistfully but happily about their time at Hogwarts. Rowan kept her fingers tightly laced with Remus' the entire way back to London, feeling as though she might lose herself without feeling of his hand there to ground her.

On the platform, the loud chattering of the students and parents seemed strangely dull. Rowan recognized that there were people all around them, but she felt inexplicably lost, suddenly painfully aware of time's passing and the separation of her body from everyone else. She squeezed Remus' hand tightly. She looked about her and didn't see Alfred, her father, or the Lupins and mused for a moment that perhaps they were the last two people on earth. She was filled with such mourning, like she'd left something crucial behind at the school. She looked up at him desperately, as if afraid that he too would disappear.

He gazed down at her, smiling softly. The gentle expression on his face was so familiar. She wanted to cry at the sight of it. "Things may be changing quickly for us, and it's terrifying," he said, "But the one thing that will always remain is how much I love you. You know that, right?"

His words sank into her slowly, and she felt that familiar heat in her chest again. She wrapped her arms around his middle slowly, hoping that he could feel all the warmth and adoration she felt for him. She smiled slowly. "Yeah, always," she said.

She felt her heart break as she heard the doors of her childhood shut behind her, and the mournful feeling in her stomach remained. But knowing that Remus would always be there to pull her through grounded her in the present, and she suddenly didn't feel so anxious about their future as long as it meant that they would always be together.


End file.
